I wrote this about a year ago; I never posted it because I didn't think it was funny. I've read over it and I've decided it most certainly is! So! Here it is. It's random. It's crazy. It's loopy. It's random. I already said random. Sorry.
It's WELL WRITTEN! Compared to a lot of crap on anyway!
GO!
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The SEXY dissapointment of TALIM!
The Soul Calibur team sat down with all the characters of Soul Calibur 3. There was a great big wooden table in the conference room, where the Soul Calibur development team sat, looking very official. The Soul Calibur characters were forced to sit on little wooden chairs. After an imposing silence, the boss spoke
"Well, everyone, Soul Calibur 3 was mostly a success. Most of you fulfilled your goals and stuff..."
The characters shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
"But some of you didn't. Especially one person in particular."
Everyone turned and looked in one corner, where someone was sitting and facing the wall, a big 'Dunce' hat on. The person turned around, obediently, and it was Talim. She smiled very very widely, because she's meant to be perpetually happy, because she is a priest and her dad will hit her really hard if she is sad. "Hello everyone!"
"Hello, Talim." said the SC boss gravely, "How did the drugs rehabilitation go?"
"Oh that happened years ago!" She said twinkly, taking off her dunce hat, "It went very well!"
"Hmm." said the boss, unenthusiastically, "No re-occurences?"
"No!" she cried joyfully, and it wasn't a lie, because she's a priest. If she lies her father will hurt her.
"No cravings?"The boss said suggestively.
She shook her head proudly. The other characters were staring transfixed on her face. She flicked her ponytails absently, apparently thinking they all fancied her.
"Well..."The boss shuffled the notes on the desk, sighing.
"It's wonderful, isn't it!?" she exclaimed, "I've never felt better!"
The SC team and the characters all looked at her pitifully.
"Um...that's good isn't it?" she asked nervously.
"No." said Kilik, "Bad."
The other characters said, "hhrhhhrhrhrrrmmmmmm-mhm-mhm.." in agreement. The boss shuffled the notes again, and they all stopped immediately. One toe out of line and it was 10 lashings on the back for each of them.
"I...I don't understand..." said Talim, frowning.
There was the sound of the boss's throat clearing, "You see, Talim, a lot of people were a little...erm...displeased with your slight slowdown you've been displaying lately."
"Yes." said the Executive Vice President of the Chairman of the Men's Room, "You displayed a significant slowdown."
"I just said that..."said the boss.
"Oh. Sorry bo-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh..."the Executive dissapeared from view down a hole which had appeared under his chair.
The boss had fingers tented, "Excellent." savoring the moment for a few seconds, before moving on, "Like our dear men's room executive was saying, you've slowed a bit, Talim."
She nodded nervously, "But...obviously that would happen without the drugs..."
"But, like every star, it's the drugs which made you famous, Talim." the boss explained patiently, with the air of someone explaining Final Fantasy VIII to a lemon, "People liked your cutting edge moves, your quick, ecstasy aiding frame-rate, and especially..." the boss sighed, in apparent nostalgia, "Your tendency to wear significantly less clothing..."
All the characters and the SC team stared at a 45 degree angle upwards in nostalgia too. Talim made a little yelp.
"You want me to start walking about half-naked again??"
"No-no! No no no no no no!" The boss's head shook rapidly, then stopped mid-shake, "Well...actually yes."
"No!" she cried, "You can't make me!"
But the Soul Calibur characters, young and old, boy and girl, started to advance upon her, and she was trapped in the corner. They reached her, and ripped and tore her priestly clothes, until she was in her underwear, nothing but a white bra and small white shorts.
"Oh no!" she squeaked, spreading her small hands as wide as she could, "I'm in my undies!"
"Yes..." The boss sighed, visibly drooling, "Yes you are..."
"You monsters!" she shouted at all the drooling, gawking and gasping faces around her. "You're all perverts and nasty people and the police can lock you up for this!"
"Oh?" said Ivy femmeslashingly, licking her lips at Talim's cleavage, "And where's the police?"
Suddenly, just then, out of no real coincidence at all, two male police officers barged into the room's wooden double doors. Nobody turned around- too busy you see. The officers showed off their badges anyway, "This is the police." one said officially, "We have the right to knock your door in! We heard of a girl in her undies being held in this room..."
"Officers, Officers!!" Talim called, waving- the team sighed as her cleavage was revealed, "Save me, Officers!" Talim shouted.
"Yeah...uh...Yeah..." The officers said, not moving, just gawking like all the others.
"Oh no!" Talim cried, "No! I'll wear the outfit! I'll wear my Soul Calibur 2 one! Just please stop staring!"
They didn't, but the boss said, "Very good, Talim, very good! Shall we try it on right now?"
And, because the boss has the l33t title 'Tha Game Masta', the Soul Calibur 2 outfit appeared over Talim's undies. She sighed with relief, as did the others, who leaned back and admired her a little more casually. She blushed and decided to give someone a special wave- she chose Yunsung, of course. He went beetroot and started sweating a lot. Talim giggled.
"Ooh, I think I like this outfit after all!" she said joyfully, waving at Kilik and making him faint.
"You see, it's fine once you get in!" The boss said with difficulty, becoming fast hot under the collar.
"Yo, boss." said the Senior Undersecretary to the Janitor, "If you can ping her clothes like that, why don't you just ping all her clothes off?"
Everybody went "Cor!" at the thought, apart from Talim, who squeaked in fear, Kilik, who was out cold, and the developer man, who had raised his hand.
"Er...sir?" he said nervously, "I'm afraid we make the characters like Barbie and Ken dolls. No nipples, nothing down there, none of that."
"What a critical design flaw!"The boss roared angrily, and the team and the characters all booed the developer, apart from Kilik, and Talim, who had went "Yeek!" upon peering down her top and bra, "I've got no nipples!"
"I know! And it's terrible!"The boss said dramatically.
"Sorry eve-AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRrrrrrrgggggghhhh..."The developer dissapeared.
Everyone stopped and savoured the moment, especially Talim, who muttered under her breath, "Nature-hater!"
"Well...after that disappointing interlude..." The boss said angrily, shuffling notes(theres nothing actually on them, I should probably add...), "We must continue with the matter at hand! Talim!" he said to her seriously, "You're going back on Speed and caffeine pills!"
"No!" she cried, "Please, don't do that, sir! It was horrible, being speedy all the time, and it took me ages to recover!"
"Well there's no other option!" said the boss, but looked at her thoughtfully, and said, "Unless..." a tray with a bottle of champagne on it appeared on a robotic arm on the wall beside a door, which had opened, and the soft hum of romantic lovemaking music oozed into the room.
Talim gazed at him fearfully, "You're a monster! I'm underage, I don't like you, I'm a virgin and I'm not allowed to have sex until I'm married! Or else my dad will hit me! And then my mum will hit me! And then the village retard will get me!"
"Happy times!" said the Glorious Emperor SC Graphics Designer of Kazakhstan, "High five!"
The boss gave him a high five, and went on, "So, what will it be?"
Talim sat in the chair, uncomfortable with everyone looking at her. She couldn't believe important people like this were forcing her to make the decision between drugs and sex. She considered asking the officers to arrest them, but they had dissapeared along with Talim's nudity. Talim couldn't think what to do. She couldn't have sex, she couldn't take drugs- they were both nasty! Stressed, she began to cry.
Tears leaked from her big brown eyes, and everyone's heart, even Nightmare's, melted. Raphael was the first one to burst into tears, like the big girly vampire he was. Amy patted her on the back gently, tears in her eyes. Nightmare said, "Souls..." gently. Cervantes said, "Not enough..."while seizing his heart. Astaroth, saw his heart melting right before his eyes, because it was outside his body, "I'm dying here. No really...aww...she's so..uurkk..."
Then Yunsung and Taki and Ivy and Xianghua and Maxi and Mitsurugi and all those other nice characters came over to the corner and hugged Talim and told her not to worry, they were here. And Talim felt so lucky to have such good friends.
"Don't worry." said Taki, "He'll have to get through us to make you do anything."
"Hey!" Yunsung had a brainwave. Of sorts. "Why don't I make it so you're not a virgin?"
"How...oh..."Talim blushed.
All the other girls slapped Yunsung very hard and he whimpered. The girls went "Bla bla bla yap yap!" just like they always do when they be annoying.
"Ow!" Yunsung said, rubbing his cheek.
"Aww." Talim said fondly, patting his head, "He was only trying to help!"
"Well? Is it a yes or a no?"Yunsung asked eagerly.
"Um, no Yunsung!" she said with difficulty, "But thank you for the suggestion. It was very sweet."
Yunsung sighed sadly. Then, everyone who was clustered around Talim turned around and looked at the boss, taking out their weapons and brandishing them in the "epitome of utter-coolness" poses they always had. But then, in a feat of super martial arts, the boss instantly put on a ninja costume, "I will now defeat you all with my ancient ninja arts!"
"Hey, I'm the ninja character!" said Taki indignantly.
The developer reappeared at his desk, leeches spewing from his mouth. "Developer!" said the boss, "Make it so!"
The developer snapped his fingers, and Taki sprouted wings and had a beautiful sparkily dress on and had ridiciously oversized hair. "You are now the magical girl character!"said the boss triumphantly.
"Oh, yay!" said Taki heliumiously, "Let's go ride ponies and get a makeover and go shopping and..."
"Ahahahaha!" said the boss through his black ninja mask, "Now that I am the ninja character in Soul Calibur, I can use my ninja arts!" as fast as lightning, he took out a book and let the pages flap open vertically, "Behold, I show you all a manga animation of a person shitting backwards! Look, it's engulfing!"
And everyone went "EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"and closed their eyes and dropped their weapons and just writhed on the ground like thier faces were on fire. And Talim, who had used the powers of the wind to block out the horrible poo image, was now helpless. But then, Taki the Magical Girl had an idea. "I've got an idea!" she said, "Shoes!"
And she produced a shoe-box, and inside was a very expensive shoe. It didn't actually look good, but it was expensive. And she threw it to the boss.
All the girls looked up and watched the traversal of the box through the air, and into the hands of the unsuspecting boss ninja. And they all charged, because they, like, soooo badly wanted the shoe, totally! And the women all jumped at the boss and threw him behind the table, grabbing and fighting and crawling all over the boss in thier skimpy costumes.
"Yes! Yes!" shouted the boss from underneath the girls, "Boobs, boobs everywhere! So erotic, so painful!"
"Does this mean that I don't have to do it with you?" said Talim from the other side of the room.
"Keep your virginity, s'long as this moment lasts!" said the boss happily, "Yarggggghhh mmmmm!"
"Yay!" said Talim, getting up off her seat and jumping up and down because she had a cramp in her bum from sitting down for so long, "Thank you so much, Magical Girl Taki, for helping me!"
"No problem, little girl!" said Taki, floating upwards and waving her magic wand, "Remember, I'll always be around for you, whenever the wind blows..."
"I...hey wait a second!"
BANG, AND THE TAKI IS GONE!
(The End.)