It's public knowledge that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or anything else. Well here's another fun one shot fic that ran around screaming in my head. Enjoy.
No Such Thing As Bad Publicity
"Charles do you really think we need to resort to this?" Ororo asked. She was in an office waiting room with Xavier, Scott and Warren. They were all dressed rather well in business attire.
"I'm with Storm on this one," Scott fidgeted with his tie. "I'd rather be running a level five Danger Room scenario than doing this."
"You'd rather be running a level five Danger Room scenario than doing most things," Xavier chuckled lightly. "Seriously Scott, since I hope that one day you and Jean will be running the Institute you might as well get some hands on training."
"Assuming that it hasn't been burned to the ground by then," Ororo rolled her eyes.
"You have to admit we could use the help," Warren said. "The Institute could use some good publicity. It couldn't hurt to have a public relations consultant. And this is a very good firm. My family's done business with them."
"Didn't this firm also work with that rock band after the incident with those groupies in the aquarium?" Scott thought aloud. "It was called Sharkbait right?"
"Yeah…That's kind of the reason why my father dropped them," Warren coughed.
"I'm outta here," Scott stood up.
"Professor Xavier?" A secretary peeked out the door. "They're ready for you."
Xavier nodded and put his hand on Scott's arm to keep him from going. "Come on, try to keep an open mind."
"That's exactly what the front leader of Sharkbait said before he got carted off to jail for molesting a monkfish in public," Scott reminded him.
They walked into a room where they met with three people in business attire. The man in the middle was mostly bald with black hair on the sides and huge black glasses. He had a black mustache and a very cheery smile. "Welcome Mr. Xavier," He shook Xavier's hand vigorously. "Welcome to the public relations firm of Jones, Henderson and Binklesmittz. I am Byron Binklesmittz Jr. and these are my associates Mr. Jack Marino and Ms. Kate Cabot."
"Mr. Binklesmittz…" Xavier said.
"Oh call me BB," He waved. "Everyone does."
"No we don't," Mr. Marino looked at him.
"Binklesmittz…" Warren blinked. "Were you the one that was involved the Sharkbait…?"
"Oh no, no…That was my father the late Byron Binklesmittz Senior," BB told them. "He was the one who was in charge of that campaign."
"Wait a minute…" Scott blinked. "Was he the one who came up with that shark publicity stunt after…?"
"Yes, I'm afraid he was," BB laughed nervously. "Poor Dad. The doctors warned him that working to hard would be bad for his heart. Ironically it was his upper torso that…Well never mind, we're here to talk about you. And what we can do for you. What is it exactly you'd like us to do for you?"
"We at the Xavier Institute have a slight…image problem," Xavier said with a straight face. "I was hoping you might be able to fix it."
Mr. Marino snorted. "Iraq's tourist industry has a slight image problem. You people need serious help."
"They do? I mean of course they do," BB said.
"You have no idea who these people are do you?" Ms. Cabot sighed. "I told you to spend less time at the aquarium and more time in the office! The Xavier Institute? The X-Men? You know the mutants who are always in the news causing destruction? Oh no offense."
"So…There are mutants living in this Institute?" BB blinked.
"Yes," Xavier said with as much patience as he could muster.
"Hmmm…I see," BB thought. "That would present some image problems wouldn't it?"
"Well that's kind of why we're coming to you," Warren said sarcastically. "In order to fix them."
Mr. Marino gave him a look. "No one else would take your calls would they?" Warren grumbled something intelligible that indicated that was the truth.
"Please, if I may," Ororo spoke. "We want the Institute to be represented as a positive influence. A place where young mutants learn to use their powers to peacefully coexist with mankind."
"What we're saying is that we don't want to end up on the six o'clock news," Scott told them. "Again."
"Don't worry," BB waved. "By the time we're through we'll make the Xavier Institute memorable. But for the right reasons. I would like to ask you a question, are all of you mutants or something?"
Scott turned to Xavier. "Well this is money well spent."
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Three days later…
"We're doing a commercial?" Kitty's ears picked up. The publicists were meeting with the students as well as the staff of the Institute in one of the classrooms.
"We think this is the first step for our new campaign," BB said. "That's why Mr. Marino is filming this meeting." He pointed to Mr. Marino who had a camera. "We're going to splice in some scenes of you students learning so pretend to act interested if you aren't."
"He's running the camera?" Scott asked.
"No worries," BB said. "Mr. Marino is also a trained professional camera man. In fact his last work was filming the group Sharkbait's video, Girls on Sharks."
"Wasn't that the one where…?" Jamie began.
"Let's continue shall we?" Xavier interrupted. "Continue please."
"We did a few focus studies about your students," BB began. "With some very interesting results. Ms. Cabot if you may?"
"Right then," Ms. Cabot began. "Well first we did some individual testing on the different members of the Institute and the first thing we discovered was that there was some conflicting feelings among the more religious panelists. They feel that the Institute sends a mixed message."
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked. He was sitting right next to Warren whose wings were spread out in full view.
"I think we'd best to keep going," BB coughed.
"Yes," Even Xavier had to agree. "We need to get through this with as few interruptions as possible."
"Okay what the hell is this?" Pietro stormed in with the rest of the Misfits and Shipwreck behind him. "I can't believe you guys!"
"Which is not going to happen," Xavier sighed. "One day I wish it would…"
"Not now Quicksilver," Scott groaned.
"Oh yes now!" Todd hopped up to them. "I can't believe you guys didn't tell us you were making a commercial!"
"How did you know about this?" Kurt asked. "We just found out a few minutes ago!"
"Trinity read the Professor's e-mail," Todd said matter of factly. "You might wanna consider changing your password. I mean 'evolution'? Not exactly a tough nut to crack."
"Speaking of nuts…" Ororo rolled her eyes. "This really isn't any of your business!"
"You could have asked us to help," Pietro folded his arms in a huff.
"You?" Kurt looked at him. "You?"
"Yeah! I have experience directing commercials," Shipwreck told them. "Remember the ads I put out for the World Series last year?"
"If only we could forget them," Rogue groaned.
"Shipwreck you showed a nuclear bomb going off and said 'Just think this could be your future'," Scott looked at him.
"It was an avant guard piece," Shipwreck told him.
"It was a no talent piece," Logan grunted.
"Needless to say we were thinking of going in a different direction," Scott said. "One that doesn't make people think of destruction and death when they hear the words 'Xavier Institute'."
"Please," Todd waved. "Nobody thinks of death when they hear Xavier Institute."
"Not yet anyway," Fred remarked.
"Look this is not a good time for the Misfits to be visiting…" Xavier began.
"When is it ever a good time for the Misfits to visit?" Kurt joked.
"Actually Professor this is one of the points we wanted to talk to you about," Ms. Cabot spoke. "In the focus study we did we found that your relationship with the Misfits is viewed quite favorably."
"Relationship?" Scott asked. "What relationship? They wreck our stuff, eat all our food and annoy the hell out of us!"
"Well the public relates to that," BB shrugged. "It reminds them of their own families."
"What families are these? The Sopranos? The Munsters?" Scott raised his hands in exasperation. "People whose relatives are in jail?" He looked at Lance. "Or should be?"
"The point is," BB said. "You need them so they might as well stay."
"Fine," Xavier waved his hand. "Let's just press on shall we?"
"Finally! There are people who appreciate us!" Shipwreck grinned as he sat next to Ororo.
"And I'd appreciate it if you keep your hands off of my…" Ororo growled.
"You might want to keep jumping in whenever you get the chance," Scott told the publicists. "This is a tough group to keep focused."
"All right now Jean," Ms. Cabot went on. "You respond very well to viewers in the 30 and over category. However with the younger viewers…You're a bit…Too structured."
"They see you as a rhymes with witch," BB said. "But Miss Rogue here they love so Rogue you are going to be the face of the Institute."
"HA!" Lance laughed. "This should be good!"
"You gotta be kidding me!" Rogue and Jean said at the same time.
"Why do I have to be the spokesperson?" Rogue asked.
"Why does she have to be the spokesperson?" Jean asked.
"I don't want the job!" Rogue protested.
"She doesn't want the job!" Jean said at the same time.
"Jean you don't have to agree with me so fast!" Rogue grumbled.
"Yeah aren't you always complaining how you're expected to represent the Institute and play up the perfect role?" Wanda asked Jean. "And how it's a lot of pressure for you and sometimes you wish you could pass it off?"
"Well yes…" Jean admitted.
"You do?" Ororo was surprised. "I didn't know you felt like that."
"Sometimes I do," Jean said. "It's like you expect it from me without asking. But that's not the point! The point is…The point is how did you know about it Wanda?"
"Uh," Wanda stammered.
"You might want to find a better hiding place for your diary," Angelica said, indicating Trinity.
"Yeah we're learning a lot today," Kitty rolled her eyes. "Okay what about me? Was I in the survey?"
"Yes, yes you were. Okay now Kitty…" Ms. Cabot looked at her notes. "We're going to need you to stay out of sight as much as possible."
"WHAT? WHY?" Kitty shouted.
"You have a few hours?" Spyder remarked.
"You have to consider a few things like your parents and their…lovers," Mrs. Cabot coughed. "That little tumble off the courthouse with Stryker on the news quite frankly scared a few people. Fifty-seven to be exact. More than half the focus group. Oh and of course your romances with two different boys as well as your driving record…"
"Wait, wait a minute…" Kitty shot up. "What driving record?"
"Notice how she didn't say anything about us?" Lance looked at Peter.
"I'm getting to that!" Kitty snapped. "What do you mean my driving record?"
"Fifteen different citations as well as an appearance on America's Worst Drivers on that Fox special?" BB asked. "You know the footage they have of you driving a van of some sort straight through a mall?"
"You drove a van through a mall?" Logan turned on Kitty. "When was this?"
"A few weeks ago, when Lance volunteered to help me practice," Kitty said. "The mall was closed and I made one tiny little wrong turn and phased through…Well only because Spyder and Trinity were acting up in the back and they insisted…"
Everyone looked at the four girls. "What?" Spyder asked.
"How were we supposed to know the security cameras were rolling?" Quinn asked.
"Or that anyone could hack into them?" Daria continued.
"And sell it for a couple thousand dollars," Brittany finished.
"You girls seriously need a hobby," Scott glared at them.
"We do," Quinn said. "Tormenting you."
"Well no wonder my name is mud!" Kitty threw up her hands. "I suppose you had something to do with making my dating life public as well?"
"Anyone could have put that information on the Internet," Spyder defended.
"In fact the only other person people like less than you is Jean," BB looked at his notes.
"Boy this focus group is right on the money," Fred chuckled.
"SHUT UP FRED!" Jean snapped.
"See this is why you don't test well," Fred pointed out.
"Rogue I've changed my mind you can have this spokesperson job!" Jean snapped. "Because I might end up on trial for murder!"
"And I'll be her cell mate," Kitty glared at Trinity and Spyder. "I'm sure I'll probably be up in court on a vehicular homicide charge pretty soon!"
That was when the intercom buzzed. "Somebody's at the front door," Ororo noticed. "I'll get it!" She was eager to leave Shipwreck's side for any reason.
Unfortunately this was not to be. "I'll come with you!" He bounded after her. He was eager to hit on her without witnesses.
"Okay Mr. Logan," Ms. Cabot continued. "Our female viewers really responded to you. Could you…take your shirt off?"
"WHAT?" Logan yelled.
"You know I am so glad we are here for this," Todd snickered.
"For the commercial," She coughed.
"Yeah that'll bring in the viewers," Pietro snickered. "Maybe we could set up a cat fight on camera between Kitty and Jean?"
"Okay, you're dead!" Kitty charged at Pietro.
Pietro laughed and got out of her way. He didn't laugh long as Jean grabbed him telekinetically. "Hey!"
"NOW KITTY!" Jean shouted. Kitty tackled Pietro and began pummeling him. Wanda decided to help her brother on the principle that no one but her had the right to beat him up. Of course this lead to Lance and Peter to try and break it up which soon turned into them trying to break each other up. Soon nearly all the X-Men and Misfits were fighting each other.
"STOP IT!" Xavier shouted. "WILL YOU STOP FIGHTING!"
"This is not professional people!" BB shouted.
That was when Ororo and Shipwreck wandered in with several police officers and some cameramen. "Byron Binklesmittz Jr. you are hereby under arrest for embezzlement and…HOLY CRAP WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN HERE?"
"Oh no!" BB looked pale and started running. Several cops ran after him as he grabbed his cell phone. "Doris! It's BB! SHRED EVERYTHING! SHRED EVERYTHING!"
He was tackled by two cops and wrestled to the ground. The police were also trying to control the X-Men and the Misfits. Xavier put his hands to his head. "Scott was right, this was a bad idea!"
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"Another scandal at the Xavier Institute tops the six o'clock news tonight," The newscaster spoke as scenes of the afternoon's mess was shown. "This time with the arrest of Byron Binklesmittz Jr. for embezzlement, tax evasion, misrepresentation and impersonating a female security officer at a local aquarium. Binklesmittz was working on a commercial for the Xavier Institute when he was arrested. The FCC is currently investigating the public relations firm of Jones, Henderson and Binklesmittz…."
"I told you," Pietro said to the X-Men as they all watched the evening news. "You should have let us do your commercial."
"I have to admit," Hank sighed. "Looking back on it you may have a point, Pietro."
"This is the second time a prominent public figure has been arrested this year at the Xavier Institute," The news anchor continued. "This has many people wondering exactly what kind of illegal activities are going on there."
"Look they even got clips of us fighting," Spyder pointed out. "Wow I zapped Kitty pretty good!"
Kitty's hair was filled with static. Jean looked at her. "You want the van this weekend?"
"Yeah," She glared at Spyder. "I can practice parking on top of a certain bug!"
"Whatever you paid this guy I hope you kept the receipt," Shipwreck said to Xavier. "Just keep in mind next time you want to do a commercial I'm willing to do it for free. Or at the very least a reduced rate."
"Maybe that's not such a bad idea. We would have had better publicity showing a nuclear bomb going off," Scott groaned.
"Showing?" Warren looked at him. "We would have had better publicity if we set off a nuclear bomb! And no Trinity we don't want a nuclear bomb to go off here!"
"Nuts…" Daria snapped her fingers.
"It certainty is…" Scott sighed.