The Order Of Change
Soubi left Ritsu full of betray. He felt laughed at, torn apart, tricked, used. Ritsu had never really wanted him. Why didn't he just say so from the beginning..?
He was forced to start again, and a polite boy morphed quickly out of his façade, and pinned Soubi down like the butterfly he was raised to be. Soubi didn't mind it. He couldn't live alone. Who could? He needed someone. Someone with dominance and control over him that could treat him the way he had always been treated. Someone like Seimei.
Seimei never held back, he lashed out at his new Fighter with words, whips, knives, and fists. For no reason. At first, Soubi listened to the reprimands, held in the urge to counter his master, absorbed the words. Soon the absorbed, rash, opinions became reality. Seimei's words were the truth. His words were absolute.
So, Soubi was scum, a dog, foul, disgusting, dirty, useless, terrible, everything and anything that Seimei said he was he was. He tried not to be of course, he tried to reform for his master, he never purposely was the things Seimei said. It was just an unavoidable thing about him that was entirely his fault.
He also believed the things Seimei said referring to his self. Seimei was prefect, clean, pure, innocent, Seimei was God. No matter what he did that could not change.
Ritsu had neglected Soubi, thrown him on the street, lost every ounce of Soubi's trust. But Seimei. Seimei had marked Soubi as his possession. A special possession. He was allowed to share Seimei's name, for he had none of his own. He was allowed to protect, obey, fight for Seimei. He was allowed to be by Seimei's side.
Soubi supposed he may be masochistic by the ways he acted, not that it really mattered if he was. He wanted Seimei's punishment, if he deserved it. He wanted to submit, if Seimei wished. He wanted pain, if Seimei would recognize him in no other way.
He had wanted the pain Ritsu gave him as well. He was acknowledged little outside of beatings. To be beat was to be loved. Or as close as they could come.
After Soubi and Seimei were together for some time, around four years, Beloved had become the most powerful Fighting Unit. The most feared. Seimei was ruthless, to his victims, enemies, and allies. Allies, as in Soubi.
The horrors of the things he experienced with Seimei were things Soubi locked deep inside his mind. He always tried to do as Seimei did, become a shell, not a person. But it was impossible, because Seimei was never Human to begin with. Soubi did the terrible things Seimei asked of him, he tried fighting back on a few occasions, but he never could gain the courage to oppose Seimei.
Seimei didn't confide in many people, one of the people he did confide in was certainly not Soubi. Soubi knew little about what Seimei did when he wasn't around. But he did know a small bit about who Seimei was with. Soubi remembered everything Seimei had ever said to him. Memory was an important quality of a Fighter and even if he could not possess superior memorization in everyday life, Soubi must at least never forget the things about his master. A horrifying quality. Anyway, Seimei spoke of one person kindly. He told Soubi about other people but never kindly, always hatefully, disgustfully. This new person was clearly favorited. Ritsuka.
Ritsuka was a prince in Soubi's mind. The arrogant child of the King. The spoiled brother of God. Seimei spoke of his brother with love, love, love. Soubi loved Seimei. He thought he had loved Ritsu but was betrayed. He loved Seimei. His master. Seimei, on the other hand, quite obviously harbored love for no being other than his brother. Ritsuka was his light. He was Soubi's darkness. If that boy was not present in Seimei's life, would Seimei love Soubi then? Probably not, it was a surprise that Seimei could love one person, it didn't seem likely to happen twice. Soubi did nothing to harm the boy of course. Seimei would not like that.
The second year they were together something happened with the boy, Seimei would not say what, and he began spending more time with him. Soubi dismayed.
Three and a half years, Seimei began looking sleepless. He always possessed some degree of insomnia but was skilled at hiding it. Something was bothering him more so now, someone was after him and he needed to escape.
He gained a plan.
In the past Seimei had spoken ill of the Septimal Moon Ministry on many, many occasions. Soubi, also, was not too fond of Septimal Moon, mainly because the members (other than Seimei) were people he hated, but he did not completely understand Seimei's deep brand of hatred.
Soubi was given a startling order one night. He walked Seimei home, Seimei liked Soubi to walk him home just so he could watch Soubi walking back to his apartment in complete loneliness. As they arrived toward the house, Seimei, looked up thoughtfully. "Soubi." he said.
Soubi looked to him, not in the eye, Seimei didn't like that. "Yes?"
Seimei frowned in disgust. "Yes, what, Soubi?"
Soubi corrected himself, "Yes, Master."
Seimei's usual smile regained place. He looked to his house again. "If I am to die, Soubi,"
Already Soubi didn't want to hear anymore, Die? Die? If Seimei were to Die? Surely Soubi would as well..
"If I die, you are to take care of my brother.
Protect Ritsuka.
Fight for Ritsuka.
Love Ritsuka.
But do not forget that even after death I will always control you."
Somehow the last sentence was both reassuring and frightening. Soubi hesitated slightly before responding in the only way he could. "Understood. I will." His emotions of fright didn't show but he was almost sure Seimei could sense them. Seimei probably could sense everything.
Soubi did not look forward to the prospect of caring for some brat once Seimei was gone. But he didn't give it much thought, though always remembered, until circumstances required it.
And soon he realized the severe consequences of the order:
Once Seimei died, Soubi could not.
Much before this order and all, Soubi had somehow made friends with a man named Kio. Someone with a thick facade of almost, maybe, unsure happiness and a deep layer of resolve underneath.
After Soubi was given that order from Seimei, Seimei started seeing him, ordering him, controlling him, less and less. So Soubi's training faltered and he became comfortable around someone who wasn't his master. It was a strange feeling but he did little to stop it from happening.
And then without a word, a glance, a second order, Seimei was gone. Soubi had been allowed to see him maybe five times in the last two weeks and Seimei had never said anything. Seimei never hinted at his death after that order had been given.
When it happened, when Seimei was seemingly reduced to ash, Soubi found out like everyone else did. The news, the gossip, the warnings and worried speech. A handsome young boy who loved his family was murdered in his younger brother's classroom.
Soubi was frozen.
He disappeared to nothing.
He secluded himself.
Alone, that was all he needed to be, he couldn't be anything but alone if Seimei was dead.
Die, die, he told himself. He needed to die, follow his master. But something held him on earth, something he refused to think about.
Soubi hated himself after Seimei died. It was almost an unspoken rule that when a Sacrifice dies the Fighter should die too. Fighters could die and Sacrifices could go on with a blank, but for a Sacrifice to die the Fighter absolutely always dies, no exception. Soubi had never been given the specifics on that. If a Sacrifice died, would the fighter kill himself, die of grief, through some unknown following of loyalty? It didn't matter, Soubi would kill himself if he didn't die the other ways.
But Soubi was different.
A Blank.
Someone who needn't die, even with his master's name written.
He was such a disgrace to himself, to Seimei.
Soubi didn't know how to control himself, for most of what he could remember, he had always been controlled. He became nothing. Useless people should die, he told himself. But he couldn't. And it wasn't because he didn't want to.
Kio came just about every day. He was a loyal, concerned friend. But he couldn't do anything to help Soubi. He knew that, but still he tried.
Soubi never looked at Kio, he never looked anywhere. At first in the very beginning, he sat in one spot for days, not eating, not sleeping, not living. That was how Kio had found him. Soubi didn't have it in him to even consider an attempted façade in his friend's presence, he just sat alone. Dejected without Seimei.
He thought about Seimei constantly. Every encounter with him, every word he spoke.
It struck Soubi that he felt no less empty with Seimei gone. They had no destiny binding them but they had a name. Shouldn't Soubi know? Shouldn't he feel Seimei's absence? He became more disappointed in himself. Periodically he would hastily rip the bandages from his neck and roughly trace a finger over the words cut into his neck. Just as Seimei used to do. A wordless prayer to his master. The irritation on his skin caused the perpetually raw scars to bleed. Kio would come and rewrap them, Soubi would hiss if the foreign fingers brushed against his promise, and later, Soubi would rip the bandages off again, trace again.
One day after many, many, many, tearings, tracings, thoughts, sleepless nights and days, Soubi rose. He left his apartment that morning with a terrifying goal that he had thought about for many days preceding the action.
The pain had been becoming unbearable. The pain of disobeying. Not following out Seimei's orders. His scars had started to bleed without him even touching them and Seimei's orders resounded in his head. He had to follow the order that had been keeping him alive that whole time.
Ritsuka.
Soubi met Kio as he left his apartment that morning, Kio was on his way over. He was overjoyed and confused. Soubi just left, telling his friend he had something important to do. His smile was forced.
He kept an early vigil outside of the elementary school. It was different than the one in Seimei's old town, because the family had moved, but actually was closer to Soubi's apartment. He knew exactly what he was looking for, who. And when the bell rang, who came running out.
A small, not so much angry as upset, Seimei came running from the building with tears in his eyes. Soubi would have let any other child run by like that, but not one who was to be his master.
He quickly grabbed the boy's small wrist and slung him around to face him.
Disgusting.
He stayed with the brat that day and somehow it wasn't as bad as he had thought.
Protect Ritsuka.
Fight for Ritsuka.
He fought for the boy and quickly banished a weak team.
Love Ritsuka.
A kiss. Forced words.
Somehow, being with the child wasn't as bad as he expected. He was nice. Much different from his brother. Soubi's smile slipped into a real one, the first in many months.
The next day he set back to school, apologizing endlessly, making excuses and painting more paintings in such a short time than he ever had before, and hopefully would ever have to. He did it for the boy, somehow Soubi had a new master. He didn't hate him but he didn't love him, yet. He had to serve the boy because Seimei still controlled him.
Soubi took one day to regain all the lost sleep over the past week and the next day left school early with a cell phone in hand. He came back with a packet of pictures.
It didn't take long for Soubi to actually fall in love with his master. Seimei had ordered it after all so it had to happen. But Soubi thought Seimei meant to love the boy as he loved Seimei. Soubi discovered a new love. Real love.
That real love made the rest flow easily, he wanted to protect, fight for, be by Ritsuka.
He realized how little he liked the company of his former masters in comparison to Ritsuka. That what he sought in the past had come to him in a much greater form. That someone wanted him to be happy, someone he wanted to be happy with. Soon he hoped to be free of his old bindings, a thought that had never occurred to him before.
God had fallen from the sky now, revealed to be nothing more than a lesser form of man, and Soubi had lost all faith.
This is sort of a retelling of a part of Mist, it's a flash back mainly Kio's, toward the end of chapter 20. I really enjoyed writing it then and wanted to write Soubi's feelings and add the things that needed to be cut for the other story.
Thanks!