Once Bellamy enters camp, the guards shut the gate behind him. He turns back just in time to see blonde wisps of Clarke's hair disappear into the trees.
He tells himself he's alright. His people are saved, and they need his help. He pushes down the bile he feels rising in his throat as he thinks about the mountain, and goes over to offer help.
It took all of 2 hours before Abby came storming into the hall where Bellamy was watching the 46 of his remaining kids while he explained the new guard system to Miller. "Where is she?" Abby had an enraged look in her eyes as she screamed at Bellamy, "Damn it, where is my daughter?"
The chatter throughout the room died down. Panicked whispers were thrown around the room as the kids realized Clarke was not in medical like most suspected. All eyes turned to a pained looking Bellamy.
"She's gone." Abby shook her head vehemently as tears appeared in her eyes, "You're lying! Clarke wouldn't desert camp! She fought for us, she wouldn't run away like a cowardly child! She-"
Bellamy didn't give her a chance to finish her rambling, "Enough!" He realized Abby was just in shock, but her words angered him. "How dare you say that Clarke is a coward. She is so strong and so brave, hell we would all be dead without her. Stop saying bullshit lies about her and accept the fact that she left on her own free will and may never come back."
He turned away from the stunned Abby to exit, only to be frozen by the bruised faces of his delinquent teens. He saw some looks of sympathy, some of shock, some angered. He felt his stomach drop as his realized Clarke was right.
"Seeing their faces everyday will only remind me of what I did to get them here."
Bellamy hurriedly exited the hall before anyone could confront him and headed to the corner of the camp, only stopping to grab a bottle of moonshine. At the outskirts of camp, he leans up against the base of a tree and drinks himself to sleep.
721. He tosses and turns as the number stays in bold print on his subconscious. He hears screams, runs toward them only to find a river of blood. A small boy emerges from the river, pain contorted on his face, "You did this to me, you did this to all of us."
Bellamy wakes up gasping for breath, violently shaking. He momentarily relaxes when he realizes the nightmare isn't real, but his stomach drops when he figures out what it means.
721. The number of deaths he caused.
Refusing to sleep, Bellamy pushes himself up and offers to replace one of the guards on duty. As long as he didn't sleep, he could pretend the river of blood wasn't real.
Two weeks passed and the camp was starting to get in order. The 46 remaining teens blended into camp, having no other option but to follow Kane as both their leaders had stepped down. After everything that happened at at Mount Weather, Bellamy was a shell of the person he used to be. He volunteered to help build new cabins during the day and work guard shift at night, but let go of his leader role.
Bellamy became quieter and avoided Abby, Jasper, and all the others who had blamed him for their losses.
Octavia returned from a hunting trip with Lincoln, ecstatic to see her brother after a week and a half of learning grounder traps and weapons.
However, when she finally found Bellamy, his condition shocked her. He turned his head from where he was chopping wood to offer her a faint smile, allowing her to take in his sunken cheeks and tired eyes. "Oh my God, Bellamy, you aren't taking care of yourself! You look like you are about to pass out. When was the last time you slept? Never mind that, you are going to now."
She grabbed his hand to bring him back to his tent, only for him to yank his hand away. "Octavia, no, there are more important things that need to be done."
He crossed his arms to show how serious he was, but even such a small movement caused his head to spin and him to slightly lose his balance.
Octavia saw his moment is weakness and concerned tears filled her eyes. "You're killing yourself Bell! Please come and get some rest, do it for me,"
Bellamy could never deny his sister, and his will collapsed as he let out a sigh, "I can't sleep O, As much as I'd like to every time I close my eyes I see the number."
"What number?" Octavia was confused about how something so simple was putting her strong brother in such poor health.
He whispered out brokenly, "Seven hundred and twenty-one. That's how many people I" he took in a deep breath as he shoulders dropped," that's how many people I've killed."
Octavia face went from confused to understanding to shock to pain and sympathy. "Oh Bell" she led him away from the worksite and back to his tent, allowing him to break down. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and let his head drop to her shoulder.
She had never seen her brother like this. Every time there was a crisis in camp, Bellamy was the one who didn't let his emotions get in the way of protecting his people. When she had to hide in the floorboards, Bellamy would always reassure her safety and quell her fears, even though he had plenty of his own.
Yet here he was, breaking into tears in Octavia's arms. "Shhh Bellamy, you did what you had to, you can't hold on to the blame." She gently stroked his hair while humming him a song her mother used to sing.
Bellamy was so glad to have Octavia. The past few weeks had been hell, as most of the camp tried to avoid the teen, not understanding the crushing weight of his decision.
"O, I've caused so much pain. There is so much blood on my hands and it's all my fault. It was my fault Charlotte and Wells died, I was the reason 320 innocent people were suffocated on the Ark, I led Roma, John and Diggs to their deaths, I stuck a bullet in Dax's throat. God knows how many grounders I've killed. And Mount Weather-"
"Bell, stop punishing yourself! They wanted to kill us, you're not a murderer, you're a warrior."
At this, Bellamy shoved out of his sister's protective embrace. "Don't try and justify what I did." His eyes darkened as he whispered his next words, "Are you going to tell me the 5 year old kids were plotting against us?" He ran his hands through his hair and covered his face. "All of the 382 in the mountain died so horribly, their entire bodies burning in pain, while there were only 30 men who were a threat."
Octavia was stunned into silence for a minute as she tried to wrap her head around her brother's suffering.
He continued, "I see their faces every night, they know what I did and they want their revenge. I hear their screams as they surround me, drowning me in a sea of their blood. As I find my self suffocating, I let go, because I've realized how much I deserve it." By the time he finished speaking, his face had turned to stone, emotionless with his eyes glazed over.
Octavia had tears streaming down her face, "Bellamy, you can't tell yourself that! You shouldn't take on all this guilt when it isn't your fault. Bellamy, you can't punish yourself when all you did was save us! If you're responsible we all are."
He wryly curls his lips into a small smile that does reach his eyes as he repeats Clarke's parting speech: "I bear it so they don't have to." With those words, he leaves Octavia alone in his tent and carries on, tortured by his past sins.
AN: Okay so this isn't very happy... I am absolutely obsessed with the 100 and the battle between good and evil on the show. I wrote this after last season's finale and completely forgot about it. I really want Bellamy to have some more emotional moments because he has so much suffering and always acts like nothing's wrong. Anyway thanks for reading, please leave a review or rant if you want, love y'all!