All we ever were

I don't know what to do anymore. How to think, how to act... how to exist in the same way that I did before any of this ever happened. But I also can't bring myself to regret it. It tore us apart, but strung us tighter together in a different sort of way. If it was easy to explain, maybe I could stop thinking about it. Maybe if I somehow try and sort out all of the events that led us here, if I can pinpoint the exact moment I should have, for once, chosen myself over you that I can one day try to come to peace with it all. They say everything happens for a reason, or perhaps if I dared say a word about it to anybody else that they would tell me this was the will of the Force.

I suppose we did learn a lesson, in the very definition of the hard way. You learned to see things more clearly. You earned to trust your feelings and you learned patience, you figured out who you were destined to be. I learned that I was just a piece of the complicated puzzle that is you. I was a rung in the ladder you needed to ascend to feel whole again, to return to where you were always meant to be. I learned to be guarded, and that the higher the climb, the farther the fall. I learned that wishes are granted, not free.

I wish I could go back in time, and tell myself what I know now. Keeping you at arms distance would always be better. I wish I had known back then that pain felt quietly is the selfless thing to do. To see someone as they truly are destroys them. I held you on a pedestal that came crashing down on top of me. You were better left just out of reach, than a painful memory I have to face every day. When one door closes, another opens. But the door to you from me has slammed shut and I'm trapped. Floating in dead space, regretting every single decision I've ever made that led me to this.

You found me where I was a lot these days, training in the gym. We hadn't had a mission in weeks, and there really wasn't much else to do. I enjoyed training regardless, sometimes I would work myself for hours until I was slick with sweat and afternoon had turned to evening, turned to night. I had worked for a few hours by the time you woke up, realizing I was gone. You normally didn't come looking for me, not that that surprised me at all. I wasn't a troublemaker and I was 18, I could do just about whatever I wanted. But that morning, something brought you in search of me. I know now what that "something" was, or rather who.

You walked into the gym, your chestnut hair catching rays of sun and your icy blue eyes sparkling. You wore your usual cocky grin, your disposition the same as it ever was. You found me in the corner of the room. Past a fair number of clones, past the other padawans trying to impress the boys, past a vast ocean of sociable people to isolation island, population: 1. I was beating a punching bag when you found me. Instead of interrupt me right away, you leaned back against a wall, watching me.

I didn't know you were there right away. I was completely focused on the punching bag in front of me. I was in what you liked to joke was a "trance", like I always was when I was working out. I shut everything else out, nothing existed in the world besides me and my opponent. I swung my right leg in a wide arc, hitting the bag and sending it swinging madly when you approached me. You touched my elbow, and I jumped, my mind still in combat mode. I swung at you, but your hand met my fist before it could connect with anything. Your glove felt cool against my trembling hand.

"I'm surprised you didn't sense me," you commented. "I was standing right behind you."

"Don't sneak up on me like that," I joked, punching you lightly in the arm. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, I just need to run some errands. I figured I should tell you before I left."

"Oh." I said, wiping a sheen of sweat off of my forehead.

"Don't work yourself too hard, Snips. Can't beat you in training if you're worn out." I rolled my eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

"We'll see about that when you get back." You scoffed, but left without any more discussion. I didn't stay in the gym for much longer, however. After you had pulled me out of my stupor, I didn't feel it necessary to get myself completely refocused, so I headed back to my room. As I walked, I focused on the force, feeling it's presence all around me. In the younglings in training, in the fellow Jedi around me, in the plants in the gardens and the beings outside the temple, including you.

Your presence was reassuring, through our bond I could feel you no matter where you were. You seemed happy, whatever it was that you were doing, and I stopped feeling around for you when I reached my door. I headed straight for my desk, pulling out the necessary papers that I needed to work. It was mostly reports, research, etc, but they were necessary to finish my training to become a knight.

Two years ago, I thought my chances at being a knight had been robbed from me. If you've never had your dreams smashed, I'll tell you what it feels like. It feels like you're falling. Whatever it was keeping you aloft is yanked away, and you plummet. You watch everything you've ever had, everything you've ever wanted get farther and farther away until you hit the ground. You're paralyzed. You can't breathe, you can't think. You feel like a gigantic weight is sitting on your chest, waiting to crush the life out of you. Maybe that's why they call it falling from grace.

"They're asking you back, Ahsoka. I'm...asking you back."Everybody in the room was silent, the air still. Anakin held my Padawan braid out to me. The hand that I had wrapped around my torso squeezed my elbow, the decision gnawing at my mind. If I stay, I get everything that I've ever wanted. If I leave, I keep my dignity. But I lose everything. I looked into Anakin's eyes, as he smiled at me, moving his hand towards me again. As I looked into his eyes, I knew it. I couldn't abandon him. I could never hurt him like that. I took the braid from his hand, fastening it on to my head dress. I bowed to him, as well as to the members of the council.

"Thank you, masters."

"It's good to have you back, Ahsoka." Obi-wan smiled to me. "I'm sure you two have much to discuss. We will check in with the two of you later. You are dismissed." I nodded in time with my master, bowing before we left. As soon as the door shut behind us, he put both his arms around me and squeezed me in a tight hug. It sort of shocked me, he rarely hugged anybody. Nonetheless, I returned the hug.

"Thank you, Ahsoka." He whispered to me, "I was so scared... I didn't think you were gonna come back..." Eventually he let me go, smiling.

"Of course, Master. Who else is gonna keep an eye on you?" I laughed, for the first time in days. The sound was refreshing. Even in light of the joke, there was an underlying sense of foreboding in the air. What might have happened if he hadn't been able to prove me innocent? I didn't want to think about the possibilities. He put his arm around my shoulders in a big-brother sort of way, and we left the tower, master and Palawan once more.

I pushed back my chair, coming back to reality. Ki -Adi -Mundi had said I had shown "the qualities of a Jedi Knight", giving me false hope that my ordeal had been my great trial. Mace windu had even suggested it, that I would be welcomed back into the order as a Knight, but as it had turned out, I wasn't nearly old enough.

"Rules are rules." Mace Windu reasoned later, contradicting himself. "Knights age from 23-27, you're only 18."

Oddly enough, I didn't mind. I didn't particularly want to smash any records and draw attention to myself... and to be honest, I wasn't ready to leave you, either. All of our misadventures, the time spent together... I wasn't ready for it to end. But it'll end eventually. Nothing good ever lasts.