Hey worldwide web,
So I'm trying out a new fandom, and what better way to do that than with a joke fic you wrote during a writing challenge with your words? So yeah, it's a joke. I'm not responsible for anything that results from reading this. The prompt was five people in a car, lost. So one can only imagine am I right?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"You don't have the slightest idea where we are, do you?" Maribelle asked, narrowing her eyes at the driver of the beat-up, silver mini-van. "Honestly darling you should have just let Brady drive. He gets his sense of direction from me you know."
"I'm perfectly fine with directions," Lon'qu sniffed, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. He took what he figured was the right turn down the path in the woods. "And can Brady even drive in the first place?"
"Of course I can drive dammit!" Brady shouted from the very back seat. "I got my learner's permit a couple years back an' I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to get an actual driver's license if you'd ever let me."
"You can't drive yet," Gerome said in a monotone voice that made it unclear if he was asking a question or simply stating a fact. "Fucking loser."
"Fuck off," Brady whined, trying to punch Gerome, who simply stared at him. "Ma he's being a dick."
"Brady watch your language!" Maribelle scolded, turning around and looking over the back of her seat. She waved the parasol that was always in his hands around at her son. "If you aren't good I won't be getting you a Happy Meal at the next McDonalds. So please watch your language."
"You get Happy Meals," Gerome said. "Fucking loser."
"Ma!"
"I will turn this van around!" Lon'qu yelled, trying to shut everyone up.
"WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE YELLING?!" Severa screamed from her seat.
"Oh shit you woke her up," Lon'qu cursed, swerving to avoid hitting a goat that crossed the street. "Brady you are so grounded."
"You still get grounded. Fucking loser."
"That's it! Come at ya sunglasses wearin' loser!" Brady began pathetically punching Gerome's arm as Lon'qu nearly hit another goat.
"Darling watch out!" Maribelle cried.
"Why are there so many goats on the road in the first place?!" Lon'qu snapped at her. To prove his point, another goat nearly caused the entire car to explode in a fiery inferno…somehow. The mini-van swerved and guess what, hit a patch of ice. The vehicle spun around, making everyone except Gerome scream in terror. The car stopped spinning and came to rest underneath a large pine tree. Everyone was silent until…
"My mom will fucking flip when I tell her about this!" Severa complained, scooting up really close to Lon'qu. Lon'qu had always feared women, save for his wife because she was like the size of a fucking twelve-year old, but that's not really important.
Lon'qu stared Severa down, forgetting everything he had always feared about young woman. "Your mother would rather get with Chrom over having you," he whispered. Severa's jaw dropped in shock despite this news not even being that surprising. Lon'qu started up the car and they drove along in silence and thankfully encountered zero goats along the way.
A few hours later it was starting to get dark. Severa was texting on her phone, Gerome was sitting in silence, and Brady was sitting in between them, snoring loudly.
"Can you do something about that?" Severa asked Maribelle, putting down her phone. Brady snored even louder and his head fell onto Severa's shoulders. She roughed shifted him over so his head was on Gerome's shoulder.
"You snore loudly. Fucking loser."
Brady grunted in his sleep and tried to punch Gerome, with little success.
"Brady!" Maribelle cried, hitting him with her parasol. Brady choked on his drool and flailed around in surprise. "That is not what people of class do when they sleep. Keep that up and you won't be getting your Happy Meal."
"No Ma you can't take away my Happy Meal!" Brady cried. "I'll just stay awake so I don't fall asleep. It'll be easy." Three minutes later Brady was knocked out, his head on Severa's shoulder, and loud snores escaping his mouth.
The sun rose the next day and the family of three and their two extras were still driving. Now Maribelle was at the wheel while Lon'qu caught a few z's. Brady was now on the side in the backseat with Severa sleeping in the very far back. Gerome hadn't moved positions.
Yep, Lon'qu was peacefully dozing in the passenger's seat as his wife drove. It was Maribelle, so obviously she'd approach the task with the serene grace she claimed to approach everything in life…
"GET OUT OF MY DAMN BLINDSPOT!" Maribelle screeched to the douche driving the cherry red convertible. "There's a child on board!"
"Ma I'm like sixteen," Brady argued. "I'm hardly a child."
"Then why do you still sleep with a nightlight," Lon'qu mumbled, irritated he couldn't be sleeping like Severa.
"Ghosts don't just go for kids," Brady said defensively. "They'll go for whoever they can, I'm just trying to make sure it's not me."
"You sleep with a nightlight," Gerome noted. "And you believe in ghosts. -"
"Don't say it," Brady warned.
"Fu-"
"I'm not playin' around here, don't say it."
"-cking. Lo-"
"This is your last chance to not say it! I'm warnin' you!"
"-ser. Fucking loser."
Brady's fist slammed into Gerome's jaw, knocking him into the window and causing him to slump over in the seat. "OMG I got him!" Brady cried, pumping his fist. Dad did ya see that."
"I sure did son," Lon'qu mumbled, his eyes clearly shut.
"I can't believe I got him- OW YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Brady grabbed his face after Gerome punched it in retaliation.
"Language!" Maribelle screamed, honking her horn at the red convertible in front of her that was going slow on purpose."
"Stop yelling!" Severa yelled, not caring about hypocrisy (or having any idea what it was). Gerome and Brady continued punching one another and Severa and Maribelle continued yelling. The douche in convertible got slower and slower until they were probably going thirty-five in a seventy lane.
"ENOUGH!" Lon'qu bellowed. Scooting over to slam his foot on the gas. The mini-van rammed the convertible and pushed it at a really high speed into the wooden railing of the bridge they were conveniently about to cross. The red convertible crashed into the murky water below and the mini-van was stopped just at the bridge's edge.
"Darling-" Maribelle began, but Lon'qu cut her off.
"This was supposed to be a nice relazing vacation for our family, and our sons two weird, yet only friends."
"You only have two friends," Gereome said to Brady. "Fucking loser."
"But all anybody's done is yell and complain and piss me off!" Lon'qu roared. "We are going to get in this van, shut the fuck up, and drive to Disneyland. Yes Brady, we'll get you your goddamn Happy Meal with the Pokémon Card toys, yes Gerome you can call him a 'fucking loser' we all know he is one, and Severa you can just be all bitchy in the corner."
"I like you better than my real dad," Severa gushed.
"You sicken me," Lon'qu said flatly. He turned to stare at the convertible sinking into the water. The driver had either died on impact or drowned, and nobody really cared. "Now they say the best bonding experience is working together to hide a body. Come on Lon'qu's family plus the two extras, lets bond."