A/N: I saw this little headcanon about Prongs in the Marauder's Map not being able to insult Lily because James was the one who enchanted it, and was inspired :) Please disregard the rather weak plot point of how she gets the Map. (Also, side note - Lily's middle name starts with a "J" but I couldn't find the entire thing anywhere so I made one up.)
Reviews would be lovely! Feedback is always, always appreciated!
"Peter!" Lily sped up, trying to catch up. "Peter Pettigrew! You've dropped your parchment - !"
The rotund boy disappeared around a corner.
Lily sighed. I'll just give it back to him after dinner, in the common room, she thought. I hope it's not homework. She began to walk towards the Charms classroom. Just to check and make sure Peter wouldn't need it urgently, she unfolded it. There was nothing on it. Just a piece of spare parchment, then? Then Lily paused. Might this be something more than it seemed? Peter was friends with Sirius Black and James Potter.
"Specialis Revelio," she whispered, pointing her wand at the parchment after she'd gotten her Charms work out of the way. The parchment stayed blank. Lily narrowed her eyes at it, and spent the the rest of the class trying with various charms to make it do something, anything, but was unsuccessful.
At dinner, she saw Peter sitting between two third-years, seemingly as far as possible from Remus, Black, and Potter. Black had a thunderous look about him, Potter's mouth was very thin, and even Remus looked put out. Lily couldn't help but wonder if their fight had anything to do with the stubbornly blank piece of parchment that she now had in her possession.
She'd ignored her previous resolution to return the parchment to Peter after dinner, determined to solve the mystery. Assuming there was a mystery and Peter hadn't just dropped a spare bit of parchment. After she'd finished all her homework and her dorm-mates were settling into bed, she pulled her curtain around her bed and laid on her stomach, wand in one hand and a quill in the other, as she pondered what to do to the parchment next. Finally, deciding to test if it was just parchment, she dipped her quill into her ink bottle and wrote "Lily Evans" on it in her best handwriting.
The writing promptly disappeared. Lily sat up quickly, surprised. It was enchanted! Other words began to appear on the parchment.
Mr. Moony would like to remind Miss Evans that it is rude to write her name on things that don't belong to her.
Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Miss Evans is a dirty thief.
Mr. Padfoot concurs, and also thinks that Miss Evans should keep her freckled nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs
Lily watched the parchment, waiting for the next insult. She was slightly offended ("Dirty thief"? She'd only been trying to help!) but also rather amused, and glad she had got the parchment to do something at last.
The last two words disappeared, then reappeared.
Mr. Prongs would like to
The writing stopped again. The words disappeared once more. Lily stared at the page, confused.
Mr. Prongs respectfully disagrees with Miss Evans' choices of where to put her name, and hopes she had a good evening. Then the entire piece of parchment went blank.
"What?" Lily said aloud, unable to help herself. "What sort of rubbish sign-off is that?" You'd think they could at least enchant it so the whole thing insults you, she thought. Sloppy.
She dipped her quill in the ink again and wrote "Lily Jane Evans" on the parchment. As before, her words disappeared and the parchment started back up.
Mr. Moony wonders if Miss Evans is unable to read, as they have discussed this name-writing already.
Mr. Wormtail wishes to say that Miss Evans' hair is exactly the color of rotting tomatoes.
Mr. Padfoot agrees wholeheartedly with Mr. Wormtail, and adds that Miss Evans is really asking for a hex now.
Mr. Prongs
And again, the parchment seemed to freeze up. The last line erased itself, then started over.
Mr. Prongs disagrees, and would like to tell Mr. Padfoot to keep his wand away from Miss Evans. He wishes Miss Evans a good night, and thinks she ought to get to bed, as it is getting late. The parchment went blank.
"That's pathetic!" Lily exclaimed.
"Sssh!" hissed Mary, one bed over.
"Sorry," Lily whispered. Then -"Mary!"
"What?" Mary whispered back, sounding annoyed.
"Could you come over here for two seconds?"
"Why?"
"I just need you to write your name," Lily replied. She had to test this.
"Can't it wait 'til morning?" Mary grumbled.
"No."
"Fine." She got up, scrawled her name on the parchment that Lily eagerly held out to her, and stumped back to her bed.
Mr. Moony asks Miss MacDonald to keep her quill to herself.
Mr. Wormtail would like to tell Miss MacDonald to keep her long nose where it belongs.
Mr. Padfoot wonders if Miss MacDonald has bathed recently.
Mr. Prongs bids Miss MacDonald good night, and asks her to remember that Hair-Extension Charms are not meant for nose hair.
She narrowed her eyes at the parchment. This Mr. Prongs seemed incapable of insulting her, but not anyone else. Maybe she could trick him. She dipped her quill once more, then wrote "Minerva McGonagall" in her most precise, McGonagall-ish handwriting. Then she sat back, smirking a little.
Mr. Moony would like to commend Miss Evans for her efforts, but reminds her that forgery is a crime.
Lily laughed - she couldn't help it. Clever enchantment, that, if it could catch her false handwriting.
Mr. Wormtail is now doubly sure Miss Evans is a dirty thief, as she has now stolen someone's name, as well.
Mr. Padfoot would like to inform Miss Evans that if she was half as clever as she thought she was, she'd be twice as clever as she is now.
Lily laughed again. That was a good one - she'd have to keep it in mind.
Mr. Prongs would like to tell Miss Evans that there is no way she could ever be mistaken for Professor McGonagall, as Miss Evans is far too pretty.
Lily blinked at the suddenly blank parchment. He'd actually complimented her that time. That was the exact opposite of what the parchment was designed to do. Although he had, in an albeit backhanded way, insulted McGonagall - perhaps that was why the parchment hadn't frozen that time.
So. This belonged to Peter, Black, Remus, and Potter. Had they enchanted it so it would reflect their personalities? She thought back on the insults. Mr. Moony - he was rude, but not unnecessarily so; a bit like Remus. And the name, "Moony" - well, that must be a joke if it was Remus. Lily had figured out his little… problem in sixth year, when Remus was never able to do patrols the week of the full moon. That was one solved, then.
Mr. Wormtail seemed a bit childish compared to the others; Mr. Padfoot, whoever he was, had had slightly classier insults; Mr. Prongs had been unable to insult her at all. Dirty thief… Mr. Wormtail had to be Peter, as he was the one she'd inadvertently taken the parchment from. That left Potter and Black. Neither of them had any trouble insulting her to her face, but...
Potter had fancied her at one point. He'd stopped asking her out last year, though. Not that she minded. Really she didn't. Not at all. She was better off without James Potter asking her out every other day. Really. Maybe they'd made the parchment when they were younger? Well, the part about asking for a hex, and the "clever" insult screamed "Sirius Black." There it was, then - Mr. Padfoot was Sirius Black, and Mr. Prongs was, by default, James Potter.
Hm.
She kept the parchment with her until breakfast, where she quietly slipped it into the still-exiled Peter's bag. His face when he opened his bag and saw the parchment in Transfiguration was priceless - Lily had to try very hard to hold back a smirk. When she saw him again at dinner, he had been reinstated, and the four boys were laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened.
Lily gave herself away a few days later. Sirius Black had made a smart-aleck remark to her, followed by uproarious laughter, and without thinking, she had replied, "If you were half as clever as you thought you were, Black, you'd be twice as clever as you are now." Then she winced. She'd just used his own line on him! But he seemed to shrug it off, simply saying, "Not bad, Evans," and walking away.
Peter had approached her later that day. "Did - did you happen to pick up a spare bit of parchment the other day? That I maybe dropped?"
Lily sighed. The jig was up. "Yes. I tried to give it back to you, but you disappeared on me. And then the parchment insulted me when I tried to write on it, so I kept it until morning and then slipped it back to you."
"Oh. All right," Peter said, sounding decidedly reassured. "So all it did was insult you?"
"Does it do more than that?" Lily asked, genuinely curious. Maybe she'd only triggered a defense mechanism.
"What?" Peter's eyes darted side to side. "N-no, it doesn't do anything else!"
"Somehow I don't believe you," Lily deadpanned.
"It r-really doesn't," he insisted, still looking terribly nervous.
"Oh, come on," Lily wheedled. "I sat there and let it insult me for ages, trying to figure it out. Can't you just give me a hint?"
"I - I - " Peter looked as if he would rather be anywhere but there in the hall talking to her.
"Petey boy!" came a good-natured shout from down the hall, and Peter's face went from terrified to utterly relieved in a moment. "And Evans," James Potter continued, grinning at her. "Hello, Evans. What's going on?"
"Peter here was just telling me about your brilliant insulting parchment," Lily said, before Peter could say anything that would let him get out of the situation. Potter shot a look at Peter that Lily couldn't read.
"I was especially impressed by the way that Mr. Prongs - whoever that is - was a perfect gentleman, unlike the rest of his friends," she continued, and now both boys were staring at her, wide-eyed. "At least, he was to me - he didn't even insult me once."
Peter was staring at Potter now. Potter was still staring at her.
Lily decided to play her final card. "I think I almost fancy the fellow," she finished. "Ah, well. Have a nice day!"
And she walked off down the hall, leaving Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Prongs speechless behind her. As she reached the end of the hall, she heard a raised voice saying, "Pete! She fancies me!"