Auhtor's Note: Inspired by "Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt. Merry Christmas!

Thick grey smoke dispersed on the ceiling of the TARDIS' one and only kitchen.

There was the crackling of fire and the irregular 'gloop' sounds from the UFO*(UFO as in unidentified frying omelet) in the steaming saucepan. Slowly the smoke dissolved or simply vanished due to the TARDIS life support.
After a couple of minutes a figure scrambled up from the floor, hissing incomprehensible while it accidentally placed its hands on the hot stove for support.

The silhouettes coughing was what made it most pathetic.
Dusting him off while struggling for air the Doctor rose to his usual height before sagging a little bit again.
He grabbed the wooden spoon that was still stuck in the strangely bubbling goop and retrieved it; ignoring the disturbingly sucking noise it made the Doctor brought it up to his face and sniffed it thoughtfully.

"You better be good" he instructed the clearly uncomprehending pulp "I nearly regenerated because of you." The he stuck the spoon back in.

Well, what could the Doctor say? It was Christmas after all. It wasn't exactly his fault that he had to spend it alone, was it? His companions had either lost their memory, were stuck in the wrong dimension with a human replica of himself (who was possibly having more fun during his short human lifespan than he ever would have, the Doctor mused) or were moping because someone had accidently send them a Christmas card with a picture of the former prime minister on it. And then said someone may have made the mistake of trying to point out why the Master as prime minister hadn't been such a bad choice.

The Doctor sighed.
Anyway he was trying to make the best of it. Though he wasn't quite sure whether or not any guest would show up he had prepared dinner. Or an appetite suppressant.
Or poison.
But he would never find out which one it was if he wouldn't try it.

The Doctor sighed again. Too bad Jack wasn't here. Life sure was easier with him. It wasn't exactly easier for Jack but a lot more comfortable for the Doctor.
He just could have tried it and would be back on his feet in a minute. Or stay on his feet in the first place if it hadn't been venomous.

While trying to decide whether or not a spoonful of it would be worth regenerating for the Doctor heard the bell.
He'd installed a doorbell in the TARDIS. Not only was it comfortable, and made it a lot easier to deal with uninvited guests, it also added a touch of festiveness in the TARDIS.

Therefore the Doctor was quite downcast as he realized that someone had not only ripped the bell out of its hinges but disintegrated it as well.
But his mood lightened promptly as he caught sight of his visitor.

"I thought you wouldn't come!" The Doctor exclaimed while shaking the Master warmly by the hand. The Master grabbed the Doctor's shoulders just in time to keep him from hugging him.
"I wish I hadn't" the Master replied while smiling his reserved little smile before inspecting the TARDIS closely.
"You've redecorated" the Master mumbled absent-minded before adding "I don't like it."

"Too twenty-first century, pseudo-futuristic postmodern?" The Doctor asked.
"No" the Master shook his head while giving a small glass ornament over the TARDIS' controls a quizzical glare "Too.. Christmassy. I mean… all this Christmas decoration… and what is that?"

"It's a gingerbread man. It's very seasonal. And it's jolly" the Doctor replied reproachfully.
The Master had hardly touched it before the Doctor snatched it from his hands, shielding it from the Master's gaze.
"Just leave it be, alright?" the Doctor snapped "It's very festive. I like it."
"I'm hardly surprised" the Master replied snidely "You have the same pathetic expression."
"I knew you wouldn't understand" the Doctor sighed.

The Master's hand darted into his own breast pocket, retrieving his laser screwdriver.
"Drop it" the Master ordered.
The Doctor shook his head. "No, it's gonna break and I don't care what you think, it's my TARDIS, therefore it's my decoration!"
"I said drop it" the Master repeated sneering "if you don't drop it I'm going to fry it in your hands."
"Come on Master, that's childish" the Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Then just drop it" the Master snapped.

There was a knock on the TARDIS' entrance door.
Both the Doctor and the Master turned towards it before locking gazes.

"Are you expecting guests?" the Master asked gloatingly.
Ignoring the derogative remark the Doctor ambled over to the door and pushed it open.
To his own surprise his own face was staring back at him.

Theta was freezing.
This was nothing unusual during a hard winter's day on Gallifrey. Most of the students at the Academy were freezing due to the faculty's cost cuts and the resulting reduced heating. Unless they'd managed distilling their own alcohol.

But Theta was cold because he was waiting in waist deep-snow. His thick coat wasn't helping keeping the cold out any longer and soon he'd be soaked to the bone.
He shivered. But he'd wait here. He had to wait here.

Koschei would come soon. And Theta had the snowballs ready. That would teach him.

They didn't even know how it all had started. But it had become a habit; no, a tradition.
Whenever the first snow would fall Theta and Koschei would try to throw the first snowball at one another. It was a once-a-year game.
Whoever threw first got a point and had won.
And Theta was already 12 points behind Koschei.

But this year he'd get him. He had sneaked out in the dead of the night as soon as he'd seen the first flakes of snow twirling in the air.
And he'd been surprised that he'd dropped into knee deep snow already as he'd tried to slip out of the Academy's backdoor.
And Koschei wasn't there. Theta knew that he'd left to go to a nearby pub. So it was now or never.

Theta was shaking and trying not to breathe too loud. He was annoyed by the clouds of breath forming in front of his face.
But he knew that he'd be there. Any minute now. Koschei would return to the Academy's building tonight, right? He wouldn't want to miss this opportunity to gain thirteen points while Theta still remained at zero.

Theta had heard a cracking sound beside him and flinched, throwing the snowball unintentionally.
He stared around irritated.
There was no one behind him. Just the howling of the wind, snowflakes in the air and dark shapes.
Some belonged to trees, others were improperly parked TARDISES and the one compulsory snowman had already been built.

Theta growled under his breath as he knelt down and pushed together the soggy snow on the ground, trying to form a new snowball.
There was a crunching sound, like ice breaking and tumbling down branches.
Theta turned around, only now seeing the big snowman that must have loomed over him for quite some time. Of course he'd noticed it. But he couldn't remember that it had been so close...

On the side of the snowman's stomach the snow crumbled and gave way to a hand; a hand that shot out, holding a snowball.
Theta stared in horror at the disintegrating snowman.
He held his breath.
The snowball hit him right between the eyes.

"Hah, I knew you'd fall for it!"
With a great leap Koschei jumped out of his hideout, thus ending the snowman's short life.
Theta looked back and forth between him and the collapsed heap of snow.
"You..." he began and what followed was the two-hundredth and sixty-first replay of the same scream this year, reverberating through the dark night and shaking the fallen snow off the trees:
"Koschei!"

Theta had already flung his arms around Koschei's chest, trying to squeeze every last bit of breath out of him.
"That's fourteen in a row" Koschei chuckled while coughing underneath him.

"Thirteen" Theta corrected him.
"I counted fourteen" Koschei went on. "Last year I threw the ball in the great hall at you, the year before it was during Ms Reprics' class, the year before..."
"That year doesn't count" Theta interrupted bashfully. "You didn't exactly throw the ball. You just...shoved it in."
"We came to an agreement that it had to touch the other's skin" Koschei replied baldly "though I still think that I should have gained extra points merely for the idea."
"You penetrated me with a snowball" Theta snapped.
"And you liked it" Koschei chuckled "At least you didn't say anything against it."
"I didn't say anything at all because most of my inner organs were perished by cold" Theta growled and tried to suffocate Koschei at the mere memory of the pain.

"They don't freeze as easily as that" Koschei shook his head while carefully removing Theta's fingers from around his neck.
"Does it really matter?" Theta asked wearily.
"If it doesn't matter to you then admit that my score is fourteen" Koschei insisted, pushing Theta back into the snow and rolling around. He ended up on top of him.
"You're childish" Theta snapped and helplessly tried to brush the snow off him "And cold. Get off me Koschei."

Koschei ignored the order Theta had given him. Instead he reached for Theta's hands, touching them fondly.
"You're freezing" he said absent-minded while stroking his delicate hands.
"Not surprising, is it?" Theta asked between gritted teeth, the cold slowly creeping into his bones "I've been out here for more than an hour."
"I counted one hour and forty-two minutes" Koschei explained while rubbing Theta's fingers against his cheeks. Against Theta's expectations they were warm.

"How do you know?" Theta snapped.
"Because I've been hiding inside of the snowman since I finished building it. And I built it by daylight."
"You've been waiting inside of this snowman since sunset?" Theta asked disbelievingly. "How come you're still alive?"
"I'm very endothermic" Koschei replied with a dash of narcissism. "Though you're not as gifted as I am" he said while caressing Theta's hand. He stared at Theta's finger's which he still had in his possession.
"But you could get lucky."

Theta had to hold his breath in order not to scream as Koschei's warm-wet tongue touched his fingertips tenderly before he closed his lips around his index finger. He sucked on it pleasurably.
Theta felt his cheeks flushing at the mere touch of Koschei's tongue. He dug the nails of his other hand into his thighs.

"Is this better?" Koschei asked half mockingly between swallowing "Are you also cold here?"
While saying that Koschei had already unbuttoned Theta's coat and shirt, running his warm fingers over his alabaster chest before suckling on his nipples.
Theta elicited a sensual moan as Koschei sucked harder and harder, titillated his skin and carefully bit down on his tender flesh.

"Are you getting warmer?" he asked incitingly.
"Yeah" Theta managed between gritted teeth. Theta's hips were lifting and thrusting instinctively into the empty air above him. To his shame he felt that he was already popping a boner.
Koschei's practiced tongue moved over his chest, stimulating his pricking skin.

Slowly he lifted his head which earned him an unsatisfied growl from Theta. He cocked an eyebrow at him before shaking his head slightly.
"You're a needy bastard" he sighed while stroking Theta's bare skin. Theta grabbed Koschei's shoulders, trying to push him down further until his nether regions would feel something on which they could act out their delight.
Koschei felt Theta's boner poking against his hips as Theta thrust against him.

"You know that anyone who walks by could see us" Koschei added smilingly. He liked pushing Theta to his limits. The Theta he normally knew wouldn't dry-hump his best friend in the snow. He'd remain the blushing virgin. But if you knew how to get him started...
And Koschei knew. He knew every tender spot, every excitable region upon his body.

"I don't care" Theta whispered desperately while pushing Koschei's finger's down towards his throbbing limb.
Koschei took not only the hint but lowered his head and took it into his mouth, too.
Theta screamed with delight before Koschei clamped a hand over his face.

Koschei worked his way all the way up and down, from the root of the penis to his shaft. His sneaky tongue licked here, caressed there before Koschei closed his mouth upon Theta's twitching cock, sucking him off delightfully.

Theta writhed underneath him, moaning, yelping and growling in-between breaths. He could hardly take it any longer but he was too ashamed to come into Koschei's mouth and therefore tried to control himself as best as possible.
Though he couldn't deny that his limb kept swelling and throbbed more with every moment. Every minute felt like an hour.

Koschei enjoyed seeing Theta like this; helpless, trapped and at his mercy.
With every suck he would twitch, at every lick he would moan and beg for more.
He savoured the first drops of Theta's preseminal fluid that dripped into his mouth.
And he pressed his hands against the upper parts of Theta's hip bones to keep him from thrusting against his face; instead he enjoyed increasing the pressure upon his hips until Theta would scream with lust.

Feeling that he couldn't hold back any longer Theta tried to push Koschei away, to spare himself the shame of seeing his friend's mouth filled with his cum.
But Koschei wouldn't budge.
His lips were sealed around Theta's twitchy limb and Theta felt his hot ejaculate gushing down Koschei's throat.

Shamefaced he buried his head in the snow.

As he felt the warm tightness releasing his now limp cock he heard Koschei's muffled laugh as he spat into the snow.
"I love you when you're bashful" Koschei said while retrieving Theta's face from the snow.
Theta tried pushing him away but felt aggravatingly weak.
So he had to endure Koschei snuggling up closer and huddling against him.

Though the edifying warmth lasted shorter than expected.

Koschei got to his feet, his half-frozen clothes sticking to his skin.
"Do you think anyone's going to need that tonight?" he asked while pointing towards an abandoned TARDIS. Theta arose unsteadily.
"They're not going to try to fly in the snow" Theta mused.
"But we will" Koschei replied and made a run for it.
"Koschei, stop" Theta was close on his heels in a second "You don't know how to fly a TARDIS."

"I've had practice" Koschei replied levelly and stopped in front of his selected goal. With stiff fingers he fumbled in his pockets, retrieving, to Theta's disbelief, a small silver key.
"Where did you get a TARDIS key?" Theta mumbled.

"You get everything if it isn't locked up firmly."
Theta wasn't quite sure what Koschei meant by that; though he was sure that it must involve a defensive concrete wall and should be stored at the bottom of the sea.
And still then Koschei would probably find a way of reaching it.

"Koschei, I don't think this is a good idea."
Theta had followed him inside. And, as expected, he'd fallen silent as soon as he'd seen the TARDIS' interior.
"Nice, isn't it?" Koschei said while fumbling with the controls "I remember flying her. She's always a bit" he pushed a lever "jolty at the beginning."

Small lamps started to blink, the giant cylinder in the middle of the room started to move.
Theta held on tightly to a strangely moulded pillar.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Theta asked and knew that it was a stupid question. Koschei always knew what he was doing. It was the consequences he wasn't afraid to face that worried Theta.
Theta felt as though he was going to sick.

"Please, just stop. I need to get some air" he said after what felt like hours of fear and horror.
"Alright" Koschei replied "There's another signal; looks like we're close to another TARDIS."

Theta could barely wait until the rumbling beneath his feet stopped. He hurried to the door and pushed it open.
A thick fog had arisen.
There was still snow on the ground.
Definitely snow. It was just the colour of the ground that irritated Theta. Freezing and shaking with built-up fear he tumbled towards the next tree, supporting himself.
Koschei followed him slowly.

"Where are we?" Theta asked worriedly.
"I told you we're not far from the Academy" Koschei growled "And quit being so jumpy, it's getting on my nerves."
Koschei could sense Theta's fear. And he didn't like it.
He knew that Theta was freezing and tired. And he knew that Theta tended to make mistakes when he was getting scared, too.

Koschei followed Theta's gaze. It was locked on a blue box in the middle of the snow.

"It's a TARDIS" Koschei answered Theta's pending question. "And now come on, we have to get back. It's getting dark already."
Theta got back to his feet.
Before Koschei could do anything against it Theta was rushing off, running towards the new TARDIS they had encountered.

"What's wrong?" he shouted after him. Don't tell me you're scared of the dark."
But Theta didn't stop. He ran and ran until he stood in front of the door, not knock as such but bumping his head on it. And then he discovered the doorbell.

"I'm sorry, please can you help us? We're lost... I know we shouldn't have borrowed a TARDIS and we didn't mean to damage it in any way, but..."
Theta's voice had trailed off and he stared with tear-filled eyes into the stranger's face.

"You did what?"
The Master looked at the Doctor with a mixture of disbelief and pity.
"It's Christmas and they're lost" the Doctor replied meekly as he walked back into the kitchen "I promised them that they could stay here until they're warmed up. It's very seasonal."

"They aren't children" the Master replied "They're Time Lords."
"Young Time Lords" the Doctor retorted while heating up some punch.

"They're us!" the Master exclaimed.
The Doctor stopped stirring for a moment.
"I was afraid you might say that" he added wonderingly "I could have guessed."
"That's travelling on your own timeline" the Master went on while he leaned against the doorpost.
"It was travelling on your own timeline" the Doctor corrected "It has already happened, alright? So we can't change it."

The Master chuckled quietly.
"Stop that" the Doctor hissed while he arranged biscuits on two small plates.
"It really brings back memories, doesn't it?" the Master went on and sighed. "I remember that night when I made that snowball while you were asleep and I thought I shouldn't through it but..."
"I said stop" snapped the Doctor. But the Master went on nonetheless.
"I should have done that more often, don't you think?"

Something cold hit him at the back of his head.
He turned around slowly.
"That's one hundred and eighty-three against one."

Carefully the Doctor brushed the snow off his head, staring at it disbelievingly.
"When did you pick up...?" The Doctor began.
"While you were busy allowing them in." The Master cut him off.

He looked at his face delightfully.
"I still like you when you're furious."