Title: The Pain of Waiting

Part: 1/1

Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this and I wish that I could make money from having such fun.

Note: Continuing on with my re-evaluation of Season 5 of SGA, this is my ficlet inspired by episode 2 – The Seed.

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The tendril burrowed slightly deeper into his belly and John groaned at the pain, tightening his grip around it, pulling back against the tendril's attempt to run him right through. The pain was sharp and radiated out through his body, forcing him to his knees, his breath growing shallower.

Keller writhed with the masses of Wraith tendrils and webbing over the bed. The tendrils around him began to vibrate, lifting from the floor around his legs and he knew he was running out of time.

He lifted the sidearm, his grip shaky with the pain. His vision was dimming slightly and the noise around him was increasing. There was no guarantee that Carson's virus was going to work on her, and if not, then they were out of options…but one. He sighted along the gun, towards where she lay tense beneath the alien mass grown out and over her.

A head shot. It would take a split second and it would be over quick, but he held on, hoping.

His belly burned, sharp like there was glass buried inside him, doubling him up further, but he kept his vision totally focused on his objective. He had to save the city and if this was the only way, then so be it. But, he held on, waiting for a sign that the virus would do its work, that he wouldn't be forced to take her life.

Would Rodney ever forgive him if he had to?

John hadn't missed the signs, now he was looking for them, and what he had seen, today especially, told him that Rodney's feelings for Keller were more than a little crush. Keller's words to him earlier flashed through his dimming consciousness. Perhaps, some things were simply meant to be. Maybe, her and Rodney were always meant to be together in this timeline, regardless of the details, but then, in that alternative future Keller had died. Maybe, this was meant to be as well then.

Spots began filling his vision, his hand shaking more violently, but he fought back.

He didn't believe in destiny, didn't believe in 'meant to be's'. He would hold on as long as he could, giving Keller every chance, as long as he could, because he didn't believe that she was meant to die so young.

Yet, he also had to acknowledge that right now, he wasn't really holding on for her, or for his beliefs, but because of Rodney. Maybe Rodney was meant to be with her, maybe they could be happy together, and John couldn't stand the thought that he would take that away from his friend. How could Rodney ever forgive him if he ended Keller's life now, even for all the right reasons?

Because John knew what it was like. He knew about the hope, the painful wishes and fears that filled you around a beautiful woman who wasn't yours. He knew unrequited love was a painful thing to carry, the hope that kept on playing out in dreams and little daydreams, yet in the bright light of day denied. He couldn't take that hope from Rodney, because John knew he would never surrender his own version of those dreams. Despite the pain and foolishness of it, he never wanted to give up his own unrequited love.

So he held on. For Rodney and for all haunted with those hopeful dreams, and for the chance, even slight, that at least one of them might one day find their love real and shared.

The room faded around him, his sight limited purely into a tunnel focused on Keller. For a second that image swam, his eyes watering and his mind fighting against blanking out, and another woman was superimposed over Keller in the bed. He could barely see now, time was fast running away from him. He had to protect the city. He had to protect them all. He had to save Teyla and her new son. He felt his finger tightening on the trigger. He would do anything…

Keller gasped and slumped back down into the bed and the stabbing forcing pain in his belly abruptly dropped intensity and he could breathe freely once again.

He dropped his arm back down, the weight of the gun heavy in his hand, and with what he had almost been forced to do.

It was over. Keller was unconscious and everything lay dead around him, and the tendril still partially buried in his belly was still. He drew in a deep breath of relief, his vision returning, only for the pain to return, but this was different. This was a more normal 'I've just been stabbed' kind of pain. He had experienced many forms of pain and today he had made sure that Rodney wouldn't have to carry one particular one.

For now, there was hope again, not for John, but for Rodney.

The foolish hopeful dreams would continue, but at least for Rodney his pain had a chance of being cured and John would do anything to help free another from the bittersweet, self-imposed pain of wishing…

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THE END