and we watch and wait

and do nothing but sigh

and hope everything is gonna turn out right

but i don't know if it'll be alright

It's late on a Thursday night when June comes to his apartment unannounced. He tries to remember the last time this happened as she pulls the door open, but he can't. There's been so much increased scrutiny from the Waterfords on both of them that while it had never been safe for her to drop by without prior planning, now it's downright dangerous.

He stares in stunned silence and she shuts the door behind her and locks it, watching her carefully, trying to gauge her mood. She lets her eyes drift over to where he sits, but her face hasn't given anything away yet.. She stands silent for a few seconds, gathering herself, and all he finds all he can think about is how you can really tell she's pregnant now, there's no hiding the swell of her belly anymore. The thought makes his skin tingle, it's both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. Finally, though, she comes all the way in, pacing the length of his apartment once and stopping at the foot of the bed, turning sharply on her heel to face him.

"Hey," Nick begins, closing his book and setting it on the table as he stands. "What's wrong?" She purses her lips together and draws in a deep breath, shooting him a look before pacing the length of the floor again.

He recognizes the look she shoots at him. He'd driven her and the Waterfords to the doctor earlier today and on the way back, he'd caught a glimpse of it in the rearview mirror. It's apprehension and terror all rolled into one and it'd set off alarm bells in his head then, but now he feels like he's hanging onto the edge of a cliff by his fingertips. She paces back towards the bed, moving away from him.

"June…" he says softly, taking one step towards her as she turns to face him.

"I need you to promise me something," June says abruptly and he stops in his tracks.

"Anything," Nick replies easily, not taking his eyes off of her. He'd move a mountain or die trying if she asked him to.

"If…" June begins, trailing off as she looks down at her hands. She takes a deep breath as she gathers her thoughts. She hadn't expected him to dive into this so immediately and earnestly, and it's thrown her off guard. She looks back up at Nick, now anxiously rubbing one thumb on his open palm. "If something..." She trails off again before closing her eyes and drawing in a deep breath, trying to center herself. She knows what she needs to say, but she can't force the words out, feeling like if she does, it'll be accepting a reality she so desperately doesn't want to face. She's just going to have to spit it out. She opens her eyes, exhales, and jumps into the deep end.

"If I have the baby here, and nothing changes, and I have to leave-"

"No," Nick cuts her off, feeling the blood in his veins run cold. He knows what she's getting at and the thought isn't something he's prepared to accept. He shakes his head as he takes another step towards her. She takes a step back.

"Nick, I need you to listen to me," June says, trying to keep her voice level. "Please," she whispers. He clenches his jaw tightly before nodding.

"When I leave," she presses on, clearing her throat. "You'll still be here. And I need you to promise me that you'll look out for her when I'm gone."

He feels like he's been doused with ice water as he takes in her last sentence, one word playing over and over like a broken record.

"Her?"

A tight smile forms on June's lips, falling almost immediately as she closes her eyes, nodding as the tears that had been threatening to fall finally do. "They looked at the doctor today."

And just like that, he feels like the floor has dropped out from underneath him. Just the thought of a baby, any baby, in this world was already terrifying enough. But a girl. A girl in Gilead. A girl in this world that has nothing to offer her. He feels his stomach turn as he imagines having to give a baby girl - their baby girl - to the Waterfords, of all people, for them to raise as their own.

For the briefest of moments he considers ushering June down to the car right that moment and driving like hell for the border, but then she steps towards him, her face is concerned now. He knows it's because he must look deranged, his mind racing as this latest information settles in his brain, so he snaps back to reality, trying desperately to think of the right words. Two minutes ago he was ready to do whatever she asked of him, but now he's not so sure he can.

"I have a plan," his voice is thick as he finally speaks. He knows he's dodging what she wants him to say. He'd promise her the world if she asked, but this… this would feel like accepting defeat. And this is one area where he refuses to be defeated. "So it won't-"

Now it's June's turn to cut him off. She shakes her head. "Plans go wrong all the time, especially here."

He wants to go behind his bookcase and rip out the pages and pages of research he's done from their hiding place, show her all the maps and lists of checkpoint personnel he's acquired, files he's created on who he can and can't trust, instruction manuals for GPS trackers, schedules and shift information for the border patrol units. He wants to prove a point. He wants to pull it all out and say he's not going to let this go wrong, he refuses. He's refused to accept any reality other than getting her to Canada since the morning she told him she was pregnant all those months ago. Maybe other plans go wrong, but this won't. This won't.

"It won't come to that," he finishes his thought from before, refusing to back down from his position.

"You don't know that," June counters, and he can hear the slightest hint of irritation in her voice as she continues, taking one step towards him. "Anything could happen. You could end up on the wall tomorrow."

He knows she's right, and he also knows he should probably just fold at this point. She came looking for reassurances and not an argument, but he's never felt more sure of anything before. "We won't let it get to that point." He stubbornly doubles down on his previous statement.

"Nick," she steps towards him again, the irritation in her tone previously has given way now to something slightly more forgiving. "I believe you, okay? I trust you. I've trusted you every time before and you've never let me down. I know you're doing everything you can."

He nods as he shifts his eyes down and away from her. She takes another step towards him, she's just an arm's length away from him now, and he looks back up. The tears are back in her eyes as she continues. "I don't want this either. But I need to know she'll have you to look out for her."

He blinks rapidly several times and looks away again, feeling his jaw clench almost involuntarily. He hates that they're even having to have this conversation, but on some level, he understands. She's preparing for every contingency the same way he is. He clears his throat, nodding his head as he looks back up again. "Of course I will, I promise."

She blinks as she nods and tears fall down her cheeks again. She takes a deep shuddery breath as she continues, "And if I'm gone, and you have a chance to leave with her, you can't try and find me first. You just have to go."

He purses his lips together and cocks his head to the side. She expects him to just leave her here? He can't. "June," he begins, starting to shake his head, but she reaches out and touches his forearm and he stops. She lets her hand slide down his arm and into his hand, his fingers curling around hers.

"Nick, you can't look for me. You have to take her and go, okay? You have to get her out of here, she has to have a chance. She won't get that here. You know that."

He lets his thumb rub slow circles on the back of her hand while he considers his answer. He knows she's right. An opportunity could come along when he wasn't expecting it and spending time waiting, looking, it could cost him. And if it was just him, he wouldn't hesitate. It'd be worth the risk. But still, he can't bear the thought of leaving her here while he goes on to live without her.

"I'll get her out," he begins, and she looks at him curiously, like she can sense that he's not done, that his promise is going to come with a condition. "But I'll come back for you," he says, a reassurance that he'll keep his word - he'll get their daughter somewhere safe, but he won't forget about her.

She starts to object, her mouth opening to protest him, but he squeezes her hand and continues. "I can't leave you here, June. I can't. I'll come back for you." He repeats himself, not breaking eye contact. He'd caved earlier, given in to what she'd asked, but he can't do it here. Not fully, at least. He watches her carefully as she considers his words. He can tell she's still debating pushing back but to his surprise, she doesn't.

She nods her head slightly, taking another deep shuddery breath as she does, blinking rapidly to try and keep the tears at bay. He lets her hand go and closes the space between them, bringing one hand up to cradle her head against him as she presses into him, tucking her head under his chin. Both of her arms wrap tight around his torso, while his other hand finds its way to her side and the swell of her stomach.

"Thank you," she whispers into his chest, and he feels it reverberate through him as he kisses the top of her head.

but i look at you, warm in your dream

while your mobile dances above

and i think to myself it's a beautiful night

and i know everything is gonna be alright

yes now i know it'll be alright

Their daughter turns a year old tomorrow. Or today, actually, he thinks as he looks at his watch. It's about fifteen after midnight and time for him to start thinking about joining June in bed.

He's meant to drag himself to bed for the last hour, but his mind has been on overdrive and he knows he wouldn't have fallen asleep anyway. June says she can always tell when he's got something on his mind because he's restless and he keeps her awake too as he tosses and turns, so tonight he'd just told her to go on ahead, he'd be in later.

He tries not to dwell on the past too much, he knows it isn't healthy, but with today's milestone, he almost can't help it. There were so many times before when he wasn't sure they'd ever get to this point, that'd he'd get to this point. For every time he'd imagine a scenario where everything worked out fine, there were three times where he'd doubt himself, where he'd prepare himself for the worst. He'd sink into the darkest depths of his mind, where all the things he'd wanted for June and their baby seemed hopeless and distant. At times, the hardest thing to keep alive was the hope for what they currently had - a life together, as a family. It seemed impossible, but here they were.

As he makes his way to bed, he stops at the open door of the bedroom their daughter shares with Hannah. Hannah's with her father tonight, leaving the baby alone in her crib, so Nick takes the opportunity to sneak in, knowing he won't risk waking Hannah up. He steps up to the crib, his hands coming to rest on the side as he watches the baby's chest rise and fall, her breathing steady as she sleeps. June says she looks just like him, especially when she's asleep, but he's never really seen it. From her smile to her personality, he's always seen more of June in her than himself.

He's been standing a few minutes, unable to tear himself away from the baby, when he hears the floorboards creak out in the hallway, getting his attention. He looks up and finds June standing in the doorway, watching them both, a small smile on her face.

"Everything okay?" She asks softly as she walks into the room, joining Nick next to the crib. She leans her head against his shoulder and he takes one hand off the crib to wrap his arm around her, bringing his hand to rest on her side as she sidles up closer against him.

"Yeah," he whispers, shifting his eyes back down to the baby. "Everything's good."