for all the places i have been, i'm no place without you

and only the heartaches have given me sight

they bring me to you

It's raining the day the baby is born.

He hadn't known exactly when it was going to happen, but the nervous energy in the house for the last week led him to believe it would be happening, and sooner than he wanted to think about. Because if it was time for the baby to be here, it just meant he'd spent the better part of a year trying to get June away from here and he'd accomplished nothing. She's still here, and now the baby will be too.

So when he steps into the kitchen early one rainy fall morning and hears Serena Joy murmuring to Rita something about calling the other Wives and Aunts as he shakes the water off his boots, he knows. And it takes every bit of will power he has not to blow past the two of them into the house to be with June.

He hasn't gotten to see or even speak with her much in the past few months, so that makes not being able to be with her now even worse. He remembers the last time they really got to talk, the day he'd arranged for her to be taken out of the house. He'd hated how he had to arrange it, to have her loaded into the back of a black van, but it was the only way he knew how. They'd brought her into an interrogation room and he hated that too, but he couldn't change it without raising suspicion. What he could change, though, was her situation. He'd cashed in every favor anyone owed him and he'd arranged a way out for her, a way to Canada. But she'd turned him down.

Her daughter was still here, she told him. That's where Serena Joy had taken her the day before, she'd seen her. And she couldn't leave for Canada knowing she was still here. He'd promised up and down that he'd get her too, he'd do whatever it took but still, she stood her ground. Most times he admired her defiant personality and strong will, but that day he wished she would have just caved and accepted his offer. She promised him she'd be able to manage, that she'd survive, and he didn't doubt her. She was stronger than he'd ever be, but he also remembered cutting the last handmaid down from the ceiling. He'd tried a few times to convince her to leave, but she held firm. He could help, she insisted, by helping her find Hannah, by getting her to safety first, or at least with them.

So the plan switched gears. They'd spent the rest of that day with June giving him as much information as she could about Hannah. He'd asked her to describe who had driven her and Mrs. Waterford that day, how long the drive took, what the building looked like, who she'd seen, Hannah's full name, birth date, did she remember any of the characters on the license plate of the car they'd been in? He gathered as much relevant information as he could before June went back to the house two days later and he set out trying to solve this new puzzle.

It had been more difficult than he anticipated. Much more difficult. He'd located the boarding school where Hannah stayed relatively quickly and it had given him a false hope, hope that this would all be behind them within a few weeks, before June was even showing. But locating her was only part of the solution. The rest of it was where he had stalled, and had been stalled for better part of the year - getting her out of the country. Weeks had turned to months and he still had nothing but leads that all eventually led to dead ends.

The worst part of the whole situation, he finds himself thinking as he makes his way slowly into the kitchen, trying to figure out what's happening without being in the way, is that he's had no way to tell June he's even made any progress. Since the day she got back to the house, they've had almost no time to see or speak to each other. He figured this would happen, since Serena Joy had seen them together that morning in the kitchen, the day June told him she was pregnant, and he hadn't been wrong. She had gone out of her way to keep them apart, even going so far as to install a lock on June's bedroom door, so she couldn't sneak out to him at night. He always figured he could pop the lock and go to her, but inevitably he always decided it wasn't worth it. His own selfish desire to see her and be with her wasn't worth it if Serena Joy found out because it would mean June would pay for it somehow. They really only saw each other in passing now, looks passed between them as they desperately tried to communicate with each other outside the confines of the robotic, formal greetings that were prescribed of them.

He creeps out of the kitchen and down the hall into the house, which is surprisingly quiet now. His eyes dart down the hallway, to the room where he knows June will be. No one is around. He's already driven the Commander to work for the day, and he suspects Serena Joy is up in her room making calls. He's not sure where Rita is, but she won't rat them out. Without another thought, he turns to head to June. He needs to see her, she needs to know he's here, especially now. He just wants to talk to her.

He hasn't even taken two steps when someone grabs his arm and he stops in his tracks.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Rita hisses at him as she pulls him back. He doesn't know what he was thinking because he wasn't. He swallows hard as he looks at her and she knows.

"Nick, I know you want to be, but you can't be in here," she says urgently, her voice low, as her eyes dart around, no doubt she's looking for Mrs. Waterford. She leads him back into the kitchen. "People are going to be here any minute. You're the driver. If you're in here hanging around, they'll start asking questions."

He blinks rapidly and looks down at the ground. She's right. Men aren't a part of this.

"I'll keep you updated," she promises, "but it'll be easier for everyone if you lay low." He looks up at her and nods. He understands. She touches his arm, reassuring him that she'll keep her word, before turning to head back into the house. He lingers for a few more minutes before heading back out into the rain, down to the driveway and up to his apartment.

He doesn't really know what to do, he left his mind back in the house and it might as well be a million miles away for how disconnected he feels from it right now. After a long moment, though, he gathers himself. He can't be with June right now, so he might as well do some more planning. He reaches behind his bookcase and pulls out the file folder he keeps there, full of maps and intel. The third piece to this, after getting to Hannah and getting her out, is getting them out, and he needs to be prepared for that too. He spreads the maps and papers all over the small work table he has and sits down.

The route planning ends up being a welcome distraction. He throws himself so deep into it that when he looks up and catches a glimpse of the red van pulling up in the driveway, watching as handmaids file out of it one by one, it sends him crashing back into reality. This is happening. It's really happening. He forgets everything on the table and moves to the door, staring hard at the house through the window. He puts his hand on the doorknob and starts tapping one finger anxiously against it. He promised Rita he'd stay away but surely he could go back into the kitchen, make himself some tea and try to at least hear if everything is okay from there. He turns the knob halfway before he stops himself. Rita had promised she'd update him, and no news is good news, right? He sighs heavily and looks at his watch.

Shit. He has to go get the Commander. He doesn't want to leave, but again, he knows it'll be a distraction. He pulls on his jacket and heads out into the rain. He has to force his feet to carry him into the garage and to the car and not into the house, and once he's in the car he drives the whole way there and back on autopilot, responding to the Commander's chatter from the backseat with simple answers, just enough to have him think he's engaged. Yes, sir. No, sir. Sounds like a tough call, sir.

They arrive back at the house almost an hour later, the drive taking longer than usual due to the rain that was blinding at times, and the red van is still parked in the driveway. Nick tries not to let jealousy overtake him as Fred walks up the steps and into the house. He knows he's not going to be with June, and instead he'll go close himself in his office, away from everything, but still. He hates him so much he can barely stand it. He trudges back up the steps and into his apartment and again, he doesn't feel like he knows what to do. This is the last place he wants to be.

Hours pass and the sun goes down and nothing seems to hold his attention. He works for a little longer before he realizes he's just been staring at the same section of the map and not doing anything. The same thing happens when he tries to read. He can't concentrate on anything, so eventually he just decides to shower and lay down in bed, thinking maybe he can at least shut his brain off for a few minutes and sleep. He swears he's only just shut his eyes when a series of sharp raps on his door jolts him upright. His heart starts pounding as he crosses the floor of his apartment.

He opens the door and isn't surprised to see Rita standing there, an umbrella in one hand and a plate of food in the other. She thrusts the plate at him. He's not hungry, hasn't been all day, but he suspects this is how she managed to get out of the house to come to him without raising suspicion.

"It's a girl," she says, knowing she doesn't have a lot of time, not wasting any of it on small talk. He feels his heart drop into his stomach and lightheaded all at once. A girl. "She's healthy. Born about an hour ago. They're both doing great."

He swallows hard. The smallest amount of relief washes over him, knowing they're both okay. "Thank you. I appreciate it," he replies genuinely. Rita nods and looks at him sadly before turning and heading back inside. He closes the door behind him and turns into his apartment, which now feels colder and emptier than ever before.