CHAPTER 1: ROUTES OF CHANGE:

'So here I am outside your window. Again.' Hiei sighed watching the darkness of Kurama's room, 'Should I go meet you? Perhaps...but...I would rather wait.' He shifted on his branch, settling comfortably, 'Accommodating tree, I'll thank you for it one of these days. Hn, so like you. Kindness left to go unnoticed, yet indispensable. When did that change in you? And why? Youko Kurama was kind only in his efficiency. Paradox, that is what drew me to you, well back after that first encounter. Hn, I am relieved I lost that first battle.' he grinned fiercely drawing in a sharp breath between his teeth in the gathering dark, 'Took awhile to be able to admit that. I've spent so much time refusing to think about things.'

His internal dialog stilled a moment as Hiei tried to trace the roots of change, where life became more than just a drive for strength, skill, survival, control, 'I guess you survive long enough you gain the leisure for introspection. Or lose the ability to avoid it. Thinking in battle is important but primal, clean. How you feel about your choices is unimportant, running through the options, responding to your opponent that is all that matters. Feel.... That's my problem now, I feel things, want things and I don't know if I can have them, or if I could keep them if I got them.' He closed his eyes a long blink before opening them to glare at the window.

'And then there is you, Kurama. Much easier to think about you, try to puzzle you out. Hn, as if...Paradox, the human and the Youko.... no not two forms, not really even if you present yourself that way at times. Same soul new lessons? Did that hunter get you because he was better or were you looking for something you couldn't find in the Makai? Perhaps couldn't learn there, as you were? When we first met you were still learning it, but when we stole the artifacts you were different, you had learned it. Hn, how you pissed me off. We stole all that power, snuck out nearly clean, dreams of world domination dancing in my head, and you walked off with the Mirror of Utter Dark, the Forlorn Hope. Convenient of you to leave out the price of that wish. Watching you walk away so calmly, it was the first I realized you had a different agenda, in truth a more noble agenda, bastard. I saw the whole thing, you willing to trade your life for your mother's happiness, for her life, Yusuke unable to let you make that sacrifice alone. He's right your Mother would have been unhappy to lose you in exchange for her life. But then you weren't really thinking beyond saving her were you? I understand now that the grief was unbearable for you, but at the time I just thought you were weak, and dismissed you as unimportant to my future plans. That was my best mistake.' a low throaty chuckle lost itself in the dark.

'Hn, I was going to kill him, I had him and I could see the defeat, the failure in his eyes, but I didn't love that look like I used to. I was a bit power addled, my plans thwarted, in the grip of that artifact...feeling betrayed... Suddenly, there you were, and I was running you through. Your eyes, shit, those sad understanding green eyes, accepting it all. I was stunned, to this day I thought I saw an apology in your eyes.... why?' a grim smile flashed in the window, 'Though there was a grimace for the pain. I still see your palm run along the blade as you stepped back, the blood, red as your hair, well slowly in your cupped hand, before blinding me. I would have been so easy to kill, not like I didn't deserve to be killed. But you stepped away to let Yusuke to do his job. I changed in that moment, your blood changed me, the rest of the fight was inertia. I was amazed Yusuke didn't finish me off, after what I had planned to do to his Keiko. He's strange that way.'

'I was sullen at the trial, expecting further betrayal from you. Habit and history encouraged me to think the worst. Would you have laughed had you seen the shock in my eyes when you cast the events to make you the most culpable? You weren't looking at me, but you sighed when you heard me stubbornly accept my share of the blame. That damn god has a twisted sense of humor. It still rankles that he assumed I wouldn't just kill Yusuke, or you. I'm too changed now to be that ruthless.... foolish? Change. Hn. I've fought it all the way, I still am. Easier to just follow the groove of habit, even if it did make me suicidally bored. I'm uncomfortable, irritable, on edge. I care and it pisses me off most days. It was easier when I didn't.... but it was cold.' with a sigh he rested his chin on his drawn up knee, 'I realized I was truly lost at the Gates of Betrayal. Yusuke telling me, trusting me to save you all, the fool. I looked back at the three of you holding the gate from crushing you. Yusuke and Kuwabara had desperate hope in their eyes, but all I really remember was resigned emerald green eyes. It was like looking in a mirror, I knew that feeling...I couldn't follow the groove of habit anymore.' A speculative and sad look settled on his features.

'What are you up to Kurama? Really? You are stronger than any realize yet you let the rest of us run in first, you guide Yusuke through strategy, encourage the Fool, let me flex my skills. Always you seem to be watching and waiting, like it is more important to watch us struggle through.... and learn. You bloody jerk.... what gives you the right to act the mentor? Just because you have age on us...' He growled then shook his head, 'But I've seen you afraid, seen the depths of sorrow in your eyes, so perhaps you are still learning, hurting. That makes me less annoyed with you, for now. Sorrow, yes I see your sorrow. I try to forget, it hurts me to see that in your eyes and wonder why... Funny how you were the one I went to when I was injured after being stranded in the Ningenkai. I could have made Yusuke or Kuwabara help me; they would be easy to manipulate. I guess I was testing you, to see if I could trust you.' a sharp exhale of a breath ruffled his bangs, his mind focused on the blackness of the window, still for as long as he could hold his breath.

'That night seems ages ago but it really has only been a month or so. Sex has become a contract negotiation for me, a means to relieve physical tension. It was something demanded from me until I got strong enough to make no mean no, something to trade for food or shelter. And recently it has been an exercise in power and control. If you are good at it you are the one in control, the one with the power. I have always had a fondness for power.

I came to see you with an intention, I was uncomfortable seeking something familiar and in my control. Just an arrangement of physical gratification. So I thought of you. You are a Youko how much sex have you had in the last sixteen years? Teen aged human males have all those hormones. I figured you were ripe for the plucking. Gods, I am such a fool sometimes.' an amused grin flashed across his face.

'You were reading, curled up and comfortable in your bed. The light over your shoulder, a small sun making the gold come out in your hair...Your beauty lances through me more often than I find comfortable... I dropped through your window, slipping off my boots. You smiled indulgently, you knew I had plans to stay awhile, the approach of rain was heavy in the air. How much mindless chatter? What did I growl and grumble about until I stepped up to you as you sat on the corner of your bed?

My hands caught your face, pulling you to me, my mouth falling on yours in a bruising maul, my thumbs forcing your jaw to open to my tongue, my fingers tangling in your hair. Hunger, need to dominate, to control flared in me, I wasn't gentle, there was no skill displayed, I was punishing, sharp, fanged, I tasted your blood, my thumbs continued to press as though trying to break your jaw, trying to wrest something from you. The need to breathe drove me to release your mouth, ease up with my thumbs. My forehead rested against yours, I was smirking, waiting for the ragged sigh that would prove me the master.

Soft, simple breathing.... my mind went blank, blood draining away, my only thought 'Oh' as your lack of response sunk in. I felt like such a fool, suddenly humbled. It was an effort of minutes?, hours? to open my eyes, to look at you. The unrelenting yellow light of the lamp laid it all before me, I'd torn your bottom lip in a couple of places, there were bruises from my thumbs, and dimly I realized I was still pulling your hair. I released it as I made myself look in your eyes, to find none of the reproach that I deserved. Mine was the ragged sigh, I traced the damage with suddenly soft fingers, dabbed gently at the splits in your lip with my scarf, my eyes narrowing in the wince you never gave, "Sorry, I'm sorry."

You smiled, and gave a little shake of your head, your voice was warm, "Nothing to worry about."

I turned to leave, find a rooftop to sleep out the rain. You stopped me, your hand warm on my shoulder, "Hiei. There is no need to leave. Forgiveness asked for and given."

All I could do was nod. I pulled out the spare bedding and curled up to feign sleep under a crushing sense of loss. To be honest I was totally unaware of you the rest of the night. Nothing, it was nothing, that phrase stung. And it stung more to realize I had probably driven away what I was really seeking.' he ran his hands through his hair as he rested his forehead on his knee, hands twining behind his neck.

'I had every intention of not coming back for a few days, if ever. There were things I was going to have to think about and had no intention of doing so if I could help it. But there I was waiting in the damn tree for you to return. It was late afternoon, a few hours after you left school but still a few hours before your mother returned. I heard you open the front door, then counted out the time it would take you to make tea. I had to smirk when you brought the tray in and set it down, two mugs, you knew I was here, and you know I hate tea. Not that you acknowledged me straight off. Not the patient one of so many routines. You had to change your clothes, wash your face, and then talk to your plants. But I've watched it enough to see you relax in those simple actions, release yourself from the constraint of being Shuuichi.

Opening the window in passing, your voice was amused, "You are either shy or asleep. I've made tea. Come in and speak to me of something other than soccer teams and action films." Collecting the tray you settled on the floor next to the window, only a slight pause as I landed with a soft thunk behind you and removed my boots.

With a lift of a brow you offered me a mug, "Drinking?" I leaned forward from my seat in the window to take it. Frowning, I saw the coffee, I could feel your smile even though I didn't look at you, you are such a bastard sometimes.

"So what do you think the ratio of car chases to explosions ought to be?" I couldn't resist and who knew I would catch you off guard. I looked over to see you sputter in your teacup. I got you good, the look on your face, the totally ungraceful action of spraying snorted tea. I gave a sharp bark of laughter.

Wiping your face on your sleeve, laughter in your eyes, "That sounded like it hurt."

I looked away, as I felt a flush of embarrassment, "No worse than scalding your sinuses."

"No, no well worth the loss of my sense of smell to hear such a rare treat." I looked at you sharply but you weren't mocking me, I could see you were delighted. "Two to one, but apparently that lands me in the girls camp." You smiled as you set your cup down.

"Makes sense to me, the chase is always more fun." I sipped my coffee, stalling as I knew I was going to ask you about the night before, and I was reluctant, hoping I'd turn coward and not ask.

"The chase is as important as the capture." There was a sly current to your voice but an unfocused distance on your face. The sorrow returned. I bit my tongue to keep from asking about it.

"Why didn't you respond when I kissed you last night?" I cringed inwardly hoping it didn't sound as wheedling to you as it did to me.

"You weren't kissing." Your voice sounded old.

I drew a deep breath to cover a shocked gasp as those words settled in, I'm bitterly disappointed in myself, "What would you have done if I hadn't stopped?"

"Wasn't an issue." your voice was enigmatic.

I looked at you sidelong, doubt etched across my face, "Are you so sure?"

You caught my gaze, a very old soul looking at me from such a young body, "Yes." I blinked at the trust, and confidence in me that was on your face.

We lapsed into silence. I sat there wandering through my thoughts and confusions, all of them seeming incredibly simple and easy yet they eluded me. I knew I'd missed the point somewhere, and I find that so irritating. I blinked as I saw your hand reaching for my mug. I looked up; you were kneeling with the tray in your hands, the shadows longer in the room. How long had we sat there?

"I'm hungry, come eat with me. I hate to eat alone."

"Wont your Mother be home soon?" you smiled at my confusion.

"No, she is going out with a friend after work. She'll probably be in late. I think romance is blooming in her life." the last said wistfully.

The wistful note made me frown, but I shrugged it away. "Sure. You can cook, ne? Or is it that frozen nonsense?"

"Yes, I'm cooking. Mother took great pains to teach her baby boy the arts of the kitchen, so I would have something to fall back on when my beauty faded." chuckling at some private joke you rose and headed downstairs. I followed shaking my head; I don't understand you sometimes.

Turns out you can cook. Simple meal, rice, vegetables, meat, sake and coffee. Ice cream for me while you washed the dishes. Conversation a travelogue of places in Makai, sticking to the pleasant memories. Reminded me of how little I know you. I know the legends and rumors of the infamous Youko Kurama but how much of that is fiction? How much darker or lighter is the truth? Ch'. Like knowing your past would explain you, hell I know my past and it doesn't explain me. My past.... it would only explain how impossible it is that I'm here, feeling.....anything.' he shifted forward, arms and legs dangling on either side of the branch, laying flat like a jungle cat. His cheek lay along the bark relieved not to be staring at the dark window.

'Hallways. I remember hallways the most from that damn tournament. Your Ki was surging wildly, not a familiar sensation from you. I found you leaning against a wall in some dead end stub. Gracefully nonchalant if it hadn't been for your clenched jaw and fists. Whatever you were feeling was barely contained, a tear slid down your cheek and I looked at the brickwork avoiding the emotion.

"I should be more than used to it by now, ne? Stupid to have forgotten, and dumber still to let the past upset me." You opened your eyes and gave me a wink, amused and pained, "First time I was told being blown to bits would be an act of love."

I leaned against the wall next to you with a snort. At a loss for what to say, compassion or comfort not being in my skill set, "Let me fight him." I glared at the bricks in front of me in self-reproach, it was a stupid thing to say, then I was glaring at your shirt. I looked up confused; I hadn't even felt you move.

Ki stormed through you, green, vibrant, arousing, overwhelming. I blinked, green eyes, searing, hard, as seductive as death drained the fight out of me, leaving me vulnerable, small. I held my breath, "I appreciate the offer, but I'll not deny myself the pleasure of killing him."

Your voice, I felt it in my bones, I was going to humiliate myself by trembling. It was like a caress, a touch that I was craving. You fell ever so slowly forward, a subtle pinning of prey as your hands rested on either side of my head, your eyes shifting intensity, becoming beguiling. Anything, everything, I would have only cried when you stopped. It was almost more than I could bear when you bent down to my ear, the warm sensual tickle of your breath, my own shallow and panting as I struggled for control.

"So desirable," your heat hovered over my neck, "So hard to resist."

Oh I wanted to believe it was true. Desperate to overcome this thrilling and weakening sweep of desire I took refuge in denial, you were merely toying with me, you had to be, "Yes, you are..." my voice was too husky for my comfort, lacking the sarcasm I had hoped for.

"I was talking about you." the glide of your breath as you spoke then the soft fire of your mouth on my neck, focused my whole world into that one spot. I moaned but I still had my pride, my fear. I pushed you away, weakly and just barely. You took the hint. With a groan you fell against the wall across from me.

Both bereft and relieved I sagged against the wall catching my breath, "What's up with your Ki?" I was pleased I sounded gruff and annoyed.

"Best laid plans of mice and men gang oft a glee." at least your sense of humor had returned, but there was distraction in your voice as you worked to control the tempest.

"What?" oh it felt so good to sound so irritated.

"My little trip back to Youko Kurama. I'm suffering a flood." the power settled but the level was abnormally high.

Ah, it all made sense. Why not burn it off with a little recreational sex? My eyes narrowed. Was that all I was good for? Scowling at the tile I fought with sudden disappointment, I felt that sting again.

"You'll set fire to them." I glared at you, hurt. Your fragile facade of amusement crumbled, leaving regret, and sorrow in your damn green eyes. I looked away; I didn't want to see it. Long moments of uncommonly uneasy silence stretched between us. There was another surge in your Ki. You gasped shocked, but you seemed to gain focus as well.

"Let's get the others, flaunt our defiance of death, sneer at the stacked odds, celebrate past victories, throw caution to the wind, and dance for a few hours." Your tone tried for easy going but was marred by the strain of control.

"I don't dance." I crossed my arms reluctant, still not looking at you, but the idea did appeal.

"Liar." humor coiled in your voice, but I glared icily anyway, one of my best and you just giggled.

"Bastard." I spat, "Don't take me so lightly."

"I don't." pushing away from the wall you started down the hall with a pause for me to follow. I fell in step the sensation that I missed something again dogging me.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not you got the others to agree, even Genkai. Techno the ningen called it. Whatever, it had a beat you could dance to, simple and compelling. The crowd was a potentially deadly mix of humans and demons. We weren't exactly welcome, but that wasn't going to stop you, Hn.

We claimed a bit of floor, I felt a kekkei go up. It was subtle, everyone relaxed a bit. Not as foolish or reckless as you try to appear, Fox. You slipped into the music like a fish through water, seamless. All that unconscious grace, making me think of curling smoke, flowing water. I hung back watching prepared to remain on guard as one by one the others followed you into the music. Bodies awkward, stiff, unsure, shy until the surrender came to them. Movement pure, joyous, defiant, free. Legend has it the Kitsune dance to inspire Inari, watching you I believed it. Shedding my reserve, I followed you into the surrender.' He closed his eyes with a pleased sigh the memory of dancing friends playing in his mind.

'I want you Kurama. I wonder if I will have the courage.' Laid out along the branch Hiei dozed.