It had all become too much. The pressure on her chest, the constricting of her throat, the panic—these symptoms were far too familiar. Kate Beckett didn't let herself lose control of her emotions. Not now, not ever. Yet somehow whenever her mother was involved these rules didn't seem to apply, which is exactly why her mother was rarely involved.
She glanced at the man sitting next to her, silently twiddling his thumbs, and looking as though his legs had fallen asleep an hour back. How had he gotten so involved in this? Yes she had given him the information, yes he had taken it too far, and that was where it was supposed to end. But then, quite suddenly it seemed, he was back and a gun was being jabbed into his back by her mom's killer. Another blink and she was experiencing these feelings she was feeling now as she performed CPR on Jack Coonan. She would never take back what she did. She had known what she was doing when she killed him. The life of the man sitting next to her had become more important than the information of the life that was lost. However, that revelation was for her and her alone and that was that.
They had been sitting in this car for 3 hours. Her resolve had been solid and determined when they arrived outside the building, but now panic was beginning to set in as she realized her solid, confident drive was gone. Suddenly all she could manage was breathing. In and out, in and out.
"Beckett? Are you ok?" Castle asked, breaking her reverie.
In. Out. In. Out.
"I'm fine, Castle." She answered with a false calm. In. Out. In. Out.
"Are you sure? Because you seem not ok." He responded.
She was sure he knew something was wrong, and she was also sure he wouldn't shut up 'til he knew what that something was.
"We've just been sitting here a long time and I'm wondering if this has been a complete waste of time." She responded losing her fragile composure slightly, the impatience clear in her voice.
"Oh I don't know about that Detective. Nice night, dark car, two consenting adults. I think the windows might even be a little foggy. Seems like a good use of time to me." Castle smirked, raising his eyebrows, doing his best to ease the tension in the only way he knew how.
"Dream on Castle." She quipped back automatically, rolling her eyes.
He just sat there staring at her with that smile on his face that was just so Castle.
She couldn't help but smile back and relish in the brief moment of normalcy. But as soon as she acknowledged it, it was gone. Her smile slid off her face and reality crashed back in. They had been sitting in her police car for 3 hours based solely on an anonymous tip from an anonymous number. That was it. There was nothing else.
No one had been surprised when she jumped at the opportunity. They wouldn't have dared stop her. When Castle had jumped to her side with an, "it'd be my pleasure to accompany you Detective" she didn't miss the grateful looks Ryan, Esposito, and even the Captain gave Castle as they left the precinct, nor the nod Castle gave back. She was smart enough to know that where her mother was concerned rationality seemed to go out the window, and she had to admit, if she had to have company, she was glad it was him.
"I need to get out of this car." She said suddenly.
"Is it safe?" he asked, looking around the silent street. But she was already gone.
She closed her eyes and repeated her mantra to the night sky. In. Out. In. Out. She was not going to panic. She was not going to get her hopes up…had not already gotten her hopes up. It had been a stretch. She knew that going in. In. Out. In. Out.
She felt his presence sidle up next to her before he spoke.
"See, told you it was a nice night. Look at the stars." He remarked, taking a deep breath of air, himself.
She kept her eyes closed. Her resolve was slipping and she really, really didn't want to have a breakdown if front of Castle again. She was not weak. She was an NYPD detective. This was just another job... Except it wasn't.
"You know—" Castle began.
"Castle, just stop." Uh oh. Here it comes she thought. "Stop. Let's face it. It's a dead end. Another dead end. Another tip turned to trash. There was never anything here. We've wasted 3 hours sitting outside of an apartment building filled with zero suspects, zero leads, and zero hope." She said, her voice wavering on the last word. "I've wasted your time on something you shouldn't even have to deal with. We knew this was a long shot. I knew this was a long shot. I knew another shot at my mom's killer was less than likely. I knew that. I did. I-."
"Kate."
Her head snapped up to meet his eyes. She wasn't sure if she had even been talking to him anymore, but he had obviously been listening.
"It's ok to be upset, you know." He said. "It's ok to hope and it's ok to keep searching. You wouldn't be you if you didn't. I told you once before that I would do anything you needed me to. And the truth is I came with you tonight because I wanted to experience a real life stakeout."
The joke was weak. They both knew it, but she felt the pressure on her chest ease just slightly. He took a step towards her.
"I also came because I couldn't not come. We're partners Beckett. I care about this and I care about you. Even if it was a dead end, this was important so I'm here." He took another step closer.
She stared at him, her face unfathomable before replying, "It doesn't change the fact that I let her down… Again."
This time when he took a step closer his hands landed on her shoulders. She dropped her gaze to the ground afraid of the pity she was going to see in his eyes. The last thing she wanted was Castle feeling sorry for. She felt is finger lifting her chin to meet his eyes. "Here it comes." She thought.
However, when she met his eyes she was surprised to see the same Castle she always saw. He was looking at her with understanding and a small smile so tender and sweet she was sure she couldn't breath for a whole other reason now. It was so genuine, and so familiar she momentarily forgot her failure.
"Beckett, you have never let your mother down."
"Castle-."
"You have never let her down." He repeated.
She was getting frustrated. Didn't he understand? She hadn't figured it out. Nearly 11 years down the road and she was still as lost as she was when she was a young 20 year old who didn't know how to live in a world without her mother. She should be smart enough by now, brave enough, quick enough, and mature enough. Yet, somehow she wasn't.
Angry tears made their way down her cheeks and she stubbornly wiped them away. Castle was still holding her shoulders, staring at her intently.
Finally she said, "It isn't fair."
"I know." He replied, and he kissed her.