You & Me
I can't keep my eyes off of you.
Leighton Fay.
Never in my eighteen years would I have thought that I'd be at this spot in my life. Ed and I had a crucial past, but from the way this night was turning out, it seemed we'd moved on to bigger and better things. But still, in the back of my head, the threatening thoughts were still swimming around. Did he every forgive me for breaking up with him years ago? Would everything be smoothed over? It had to be, I mean who could hold on to things that happened five, no six years go?
A small, but delicate squeeze from him pulled me out of my dark corner and back to reality. Ed had picked the very back row of the uncrowded movie theater leaving us pretty much alone. He'd grabbed my hand before our film had even started, like it was an automatic gesture. I sure didn't mind. I noticed that his palms were clammy and a tiny bit dense. Hopefully that was a good sign. I couldn't believe I still had the power over him to make him nervous. After all that we'd been through he still was a little boy at heart, and I loved that about him.
I looked away from the huge screen that I could barely concentrate one and over towards him. The light dulled his definite features, but pulled out a whole different side to him. His jaw line stood out the most, just like it had since second grade when we first met.
"Edward, you can't force a girl into marrying you. You have to ask her and she has to say yes." Mr. Owens, our second grade teacher, was the one who set him straight.
"But I know she wants to marry me! Why do I have to ask her?" a small, whining boy asked, tugging on my hand.
"That's just how it goes Edward." she stifled a laugh.
"Well fine." he shouted, looking towards me, as Mrs. Owens went back towards the teacher table. "Leighton Fay, will you marry me?!" his voice sounded annoyed as he shoved a plastic ring that he probably got from a dispenser outside of the supermarket.
"Yes!" I gave him my hand as he slipped the ring on and kissed me on the cheek.
He had the most glorious brown eyes I'd ever seen. They were a bit sunken, but they were still the eyes that filled my dreams. He had beautiful, full lips that I'd longed to kiss ever second I was with him and when we did kiss I never wanted to stop. Another thing that I loved about him was how his body was made to fit mine. He was about a head taller then me, allowing my head to fit right into his shoulder and his hands were always warm and inviting towards mine. He was perfect for me, and nothing in this world would ever come in between us ever, again.
"Leighton," his dreamy voice whispered, as I looked over to him his lips collided with mine and I was send into heaven. His fingers tangled into my long curly brown hair and I thought I would about die until he broke away, just like he always did before I really started getting into it. Why? I never had the courage to ask but it killed me every time.
The lights faded on and I was disappointed that our movie had ended. He released my hand as we walked down the stairs and filed into the hall. "I had fun with you tonight." He smiled down at me and I smiled, blushing like a mad women.
"I always have fun when I'm with you, Ed." I tried to play that one off, but the words just seemed to flow off my lips.
He grabbed my hand again, kissing mine, then releasing it once again. "Good."
We were approaching the doors that I didn't want to walk through cause I knew what happened once we walked through them. He'd go to his car and I to mine and I wouldn't see him until next weekend. I absolutely hated good-byes. There was nothing worse then saying good-bye to Ed. Nothing. Soon enough we were engulfed in the frosty winter air and his arms were around my waist. I held on, tighter then I usually did, but he didn't notice. He never did. When he pulled away he planted a kiss on my cheek, which was unexpected. "I'll see ya, Best friend," he smiled before he began walking in the opposite direction.
The same thing he always said when he left; best friend. And each time he did it hurt me more then ever. I walked to my car with a blank expression on my face, like last week. How did I let myself get here? The same questions as always. Maybe I should ask the questions that seemed obvious. Why did I go through with it? Why didn't I end it or demand a relationship? Why? Because I was a coward. I wasn't strong enough to be without Ed. If it meant being his play toy, then I guess I'd just have to deal with that, regardless of how much it would hurt.
The tears didn't start until I'd merged onto the interstate. I had everything down to a such a routine that I'd made my very own play list on itunes for the drive home. The final song faded into an deafening silence as I pulled into my best friend, Julia's, driveway. Talk about timing. She opened the door before my foot had touched the top step of her porch.
"Leighton," she whispered, just like he had in the darken theater, and I lost it. She pulled me into the heated room before she gave me a hug. "I'm sorry."
"It's my fault. It's all my fault." I cried, leaning on her for support.
"No, it's his fault. He shouldn't make you pay for the past. He needs to man up and get over it. He needs to -"
I cut her off, "Your not helping."
"I've been helping you for the past year now Lee. He's using you. He's been using you. You've got it stuck in your head that you're the bad guy when really he's is!" Julia never really understood what I felt about Ed, she just ruled it as me giving in to his will. Which it totally wasn't. I knew he loved me deep down, I just had to break down the barriers to get to him and he was totally worth the temporary pain. Could someone else please just understand?
"You don't understand. He loves me."
"He doesn't love you!" she backed up two steps and looked at me with anger in her eyes.
"Yes he does. You don't know him like I do!" Julia would always get mad at me, but we never really fought about it. In fact, we never yelled at each other in general.
"I know that every Saturday night you show up at my house in tears because of him. If he loved you like you say he does then he wouldn't let that happen! He would treat you how you're supposed to be treated and not leave you dry like he does!" Her eyes warped from pissed, to desperate. "Lee, you're my best friend. You deserve someone so much better. Someone that wants to be with you and will be your boyfriend. He'll shout it on rooftops! He won't keep you separate from his life, but include you in everything he can!" Her words were coming almost too fast for me to comprehend, but I got the message.
"You know what, I really just needed a friend right now. Not someone who is going to criticize me for my choices. It's my life, not yours. Seeing as though I am not welcome here anymore, I'll leave you alone now. You won't have to deal with me and my wrong choices. See you later." Running on pure emotion I ran towards the door.
"Lee! Don't go!"
I ignored her, she couldn't say anything to keep me there. My best friend had given up on me. I slammed my car door and jammed it into drive, speeding off down the empty road.
Julia was wrong. Ed did love me and I would just have to prove it to her. I pulled out my phone and dialed the too familiar number. My fingers felt numb as the found the right keys and punched them in. I took in a deep breath before placing the speaker to my ear as the loud ring invaded my ear.
One ring.
Two ring.
Three ring.
"Hello?" His voice sounded muffled, like he'd been sleeping or something.
I couldn't find the words to say. My mouth was dry and my throat felt as though it was closing. "Hey, it's Leighton." I managed to force out. My voice sounded small and scared.
"Hey Lee, what's up?" He didn't sound surprised that I was calling. That had to be a good sign right? This was going to be easier then I thought. I just needed to take a deep breath and remember this was Ed and he loved me no matter what.
"Nothing, what are you doing?" I'd forgotten the reason that I'd called in the first place. Everything seemed just dandy when he was around.
"Nothing, just sitting at home playing my x box." He was such a kid.
That's right, Leighton. You don't have a place to stay tonight. Your parents think you're with Julia. Stay focused. "Hey, do you think I could crash at your place tonight?"
It felt like he didn't respond for hours. My heart began to race until finally his smooth voice filled my ears again. "Sure, everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything is fine. I'll see you soon." I'll just have to prove to Julia that Ed does love me. I know he does. I can feel it.
Pulling up to his house I find him outside, leaning on his golden grand am. His arms crossed across his chest looking like he just stepped out of a magazine. I'm surprised I didn't forget to breath and die on the spot. That'd probably work out better. Instead, I parked in front of his house and stepped out of the car. He was by my side almost immediately and gave me a big hug.
"Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
I smiled up at him, I never hid things well. "It's really nothing. Julia and I just got in a fight. I didn't want to go home and be alone."
"Them I'm glad you called. There's always a place for you here." I smiled up at him as he grabbed my hand and took me around back.
I'd been to his house a million and seven times, but tonight it felt different. It felt special. "Aren't you parents asleep?" I asked as he crunched on piled of dead leaves rounding the back of the dark house.
"No, they actually are out of town this weekend." He raised his eyebrows suggestively, crashing down onto the hammock that rested on the slab of cement taking up not even a quarter of his relatively large backyard.
"Oh, really." I smiled.
"Yeah." I observed him laying there, his plain dark blue shirt rose up in the front, revealing a part of his stomach. His hair was pushed back into one of his many hats that he always wore, everywhere.. "What are you smiling at?" he asked.
"Nothing, you just look so relaxed," I joked.
"I am very relaxed thank you very much. Care to join me?" He patted the extra room next to him.
"I'm wearing a dress, I can't." I sat down, uncomfortably upon the hard and uninviting lawn chair.
"That doesn't mean anything. Come lay with me, please?" he gave me the puppy dog face and I couldn't resist.
"You're just too cute for you own good. Do you know that?!" I smiled, pulling my short purple dress as far down as it could go before gracefully sliding my way down into the hammock. His arms found their way snuggly around my waist and one behind my head, playing my in my hair. I rested my head on his arm and unconsciously rubbed my fingers along his bare stomach.
"Yeah, you're not to bad yourself." he laughed.
I'm not too sure how long we layed there, under the stars, for but it was never long enough. It was so easy to be myself around Ed, he just seemed to accept me for who I was. The silence soothed all my worries and his warmth soothed my soul. Life didn't get much better then this.
"So what were you and Julia fighting about?" luckily his eyes were closed, so he didn't see mine practically bug out of my head.
"Just stupid stuff. You know typical best friend fighting." My whole body tightened, I hated lying. I'd never mastered it.
"But you and her never seem to fight."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I'm sure you two will make up in no time."
"I hope."
"You will."
I smiled at this. I loved this Ed. The Ed he was when it was just me and him, nobody else in the world mattered.
"And if not," he continued, opening his eyes and looking straight into my soul. "I'll always be here for you." he smiled.
I was overwhelmed with joy I'm surprised I didn't start crying. Instead, I scooted closer and kissed him ever so gently. He returned the favor and pulled me on top of him. Little did he know that you can only balance so much weight on one side of the hammock without it flipping. Needless to say we both went flying to the ground, landing hard on the cold cement. I rolled over and looked at Ed's surprised face and started laughing.
"Don't laugh at me!" he snapped, sitting up and rubbing his neck.
"I'm not laughing." I smiled, trying to hold back laughter, but it didn't work very well.
"So you think it's funny, do ya?" he put on an evil grin before crawling towards me.
"No, no, no!" I laughed even harder as he tickled me. I scrunched up into a ball causing an unwanted and chilly breeze somewhere it shouldn't be.
"Uh oh, are you cold?" his voice was full of concern, Before I could answer he scooped me up in his arms and took us into his house.
I always loved his house. It had a certain homey vibe that I never got tired of. The couches were the type that you could fall asleep on in about three minutes flat. The colors of the walls were warm and inviting and best of all, the huge 64 inch flat screen that hung on the wall caught everyones interest. Ed wasn't what you would call rich. His parents made a decent amount of money, but his father always believed in saving before spending, which Ed caught on with time.
I couldn't see where we were but I knew the house well enough to know exactly where he was going. Entering his darken room he almost tripped over something, but caught himself and saved my life. "And what on Earth are we doing in here, Edward?"
"Don't call me Edward!" he snapped, Whoops forgot about that. His eyes hardened, but softened when he looked back down at me. Talk about a way to ruin the moment. I sighed. He didn't seem to mind, instead he threw me down on the bed, looking me up and down.
"Leighton," he whispered, through the dark I could barely make out his jawline but I could feel his presence. He was like a drug to me and I was definitely addicted.
"Yes, Ed?" I whispered back, hopefully I hadn't blown everything. I had high expectations for tonight and I didn't want to disappoint myself.
Another second lingered by until his lips found mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and enjoyed my moment of pure bliss. Nothing could get better than this, nothing. He maneuvered his body on top of mine, sliding his hand up my dress, stopping at my underwear line. I knew that I wanted to have sex with him, I just never imagined it feel this...right.
I pulled him closer, if possible, letting my hands pull off his shirt and discard it to the floor. Looking down at what I could see of his bare chest turned me on instantaneously, things were finally falling into place. His fingers twirled themselves around my underwear and playfully pulled at them before taking them off completely. I tugged at his belt until he got the message and let me pull them off, leaving him in his boxers only. Bringing his lips back to mine he pulled off my dress, and I pulled off his boxers leaving our true selves together to get to know each other in ways we never had before.
I awoke to the smell of sausage, or bacon, or maybe both. Whatever it was I didn't care, it smelt good and I worked up quite an appetite. I looked through his top drawer finding a pair of shorts and a baggie green shirt. I threw though on and walked into the kitchen where I found him. His hair was wet and combed back, he wore a pair of shorts and an apron as flipped a pan full of sausages.
"Smells delicious." I said, sneaking up behind him.
"Well, good morning beautiful." he turned looking at my new attire and kissed me on the forehead before turning back to the sizzling pan. "You look great in my clothes." he joked, pouring the sausages onto a plate and putting them on the kitchen table. "Hope your hungry." he laughed, pulling out the chair across from me and sitting down.
"Starving." I smiled, looking down at the plate he made for me. I'm surprised I didn't cry from happiness. There were two mounds of eggs as eyes, a sausage as a nose, and two strips of bacon as the mouth.
"It's smiling at you." he spoke for me.
"I see, it's cute." I looked over at him. That had to be the sweetest thing he'd ever done for me. I didn't want to eat it, I was afraid that if I ruined it I'd wake up from this dream.
"Well, dig in! I have to be to work soon."
I sighed. That's right, this moment can't last forever. Damn it. I picked up my fork and at ever last molecule of food in front of me with a contagious smile across my face. I stood up and took my plate to the sink, rinsing it and placing it neatly in the dish washer. He did the same.
"Well, I can't be late. So I'll walk you out." he said.
"Okay, uh, just let me grab my clothes."
"Alright, you can wear those home, if you want."
"No, it would be too hard to explain to my parents. Coming home in boys clothes and all." I laughed, and pushed him lightly in the chest just to touch him.
"If you say so. I'll wait for you in the living room, just hurry up." He smiled, and shut the door behind him.
I sighed, changing back into my clothes from the night before. I hated leaving him. I didn't want to leave his side ever. But I would see him again. Surely now Julia would believe that he loved me. I just had to confirm that now we were in fact in a relationship. I couldn't wait to show my soon-to-be boyfriend off.
I met back up with him in the living room as he rushed me outside. "I'm sorry, I just have to be at work in ten minutes." He kissed me quickly before jogging towards his car. He was too cute.
"Alright, well call me when you get off or something." I shouted after him before getting in my car and following him out of his neighborhood.
I love you, I thought to myself.
I decided that on my way home I'd stop by Julia's. I couldn't go much longer with her being mad at me not to mention I had to tell her what happened between Ed and I last night. She would have to believe me now, right? It felt like I was still on a high from last night and I never wanted this feeling to go away. It didn't take me more then ten minutes to get from point A to point B. I couldn't help but practically run to the front door and ring the doorbell seven times in a row.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I heard her yell through the door. About two seconds later the door flung open and Julia's annoyed face emerged.
"Hey!" I squealed and lunged forward to hug her. "I'm so sorry I freaked on you last night. I was totally out of line to just run off. I should have stayed at talked to you more about it." I said, facing her now.
"So you agree with me now?" she questioned, uncertain.
"Whoa, I didn't say that now."
"Then what are you apologizing for?" Here came the attitude.
"For running off last night. But since I did anyways I have to tell you about the most amazing night I've ever had." I smiled uncontrollably, attempting to try and step inside her house, the cold was getting to me, but I was blocked by Julia. "Can I come in?"
"No, you can't. Lee, you're my best friend and I love you but I won't stand for you hurting yourself any longer." she sighed, leaning her tiny oval face against the partial glass door.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, if you're still stuck on Ed, we-," she took a deep breath, "We can't be friends."
"WHAT?! You've got to be kidding me. You're my best friend. You can just...leave me." She'd officially killed my high now. I felt hot tears weld up in the corner of my eyes.
"I'm not leaving you, Lee." her voice softer now. "I just hate what he's making you become. I know that you think that he loves you and I've grown to accept that. But I'm not going to stand by and watch you tear yourself apart." I looked into her eyes to see this hurt her, as much as it was hurting me.
"Jules, please." A tear rolled down my cheek and fell upon my my shirt. I couldn't loose my Jules.
"I'm sorry Lee, but I can't. I just can't let you do this to yourself. I've tried stopping you. I've tried talking you through it, but you just won't listen. You do what you want anyways and you're going to get seriously hurt if you keep going the way you are. You're living a fantasy Leighton, he's just a player." she was crying now, full on tears. I wanted to hug her, to tell her that everything would be okay. That I'd forget that Ed ever existed and we'd go on with our lives and be best friends forever just like we'd planned, but I couldn't. Ed was apart of me, as much as I hurt right now I would hurt twenty times more if I lost Ed. I had to take the bad with the good. "And seeing as though you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday proves you're in too deep. Nobody can help you but yourself now. I wish you the best Leighton, I really do." With that she shut the door directly in my face.
I was too shocked to move, to hurt to speak, and to numb to breath. It felt like the rug beneath me had been pulled out and I was left there sitting on the floor like and idiot. The world had done a total three sixty. My best friend didn't want anything to do with me unless I let go of the one person that she knew meant the world to me. What kind of best friend did that make her? I hated myself for even thinking that. Jules was the best friend I'd ever had aside from Ed, she's been there for the past two years, but that doesn't even compare to Ed and I's endless chemistry.
An hour and a half later I arrived at my parents house. Luckily, they didn't ask any questions. They didn't even noticed the kind of state I was in. I decided I needed to take a bubble bath, I always did my best thinking in my bubble bath.
I always thought that Julia and I would be a package deal after our acquaintance blossomed late in our junior year. Her and I were paired as lab partners and became inseparable as soon as we learned that we were shaped for a great friendship. She just moved to town from a bigger city and wasn't adjusting well to the smaller population. I, on the other hand, had grown up with the same people who watched me go through puberty. Talk about embarrassing. Needless to say, a new face was welcomed with open arms. I caught her before the 'in' crowd did. They would have torn her to shreds.
I can remember the first time she met Ed. I was high protective over him, I was envious of her natural beauty and was afraid that Ed would choose my new friend over me. She had sandy blond hair that probably reached close to her belly button these days that complemented well with her tanned skin and baby blue eyes. Talk about your everyday Barbie girl. Julia, unlike Barbie, had a personality that could relate to another human and that's what caught my attention when we first met. She'd suffered through a difficult childhood; her mother forced her away from her abusive father after already permanent damage had been done. After two years of therapy I'd say she's better than ever, the only down side is I don't think she'll ever trust a male in her life. Boys have literally thrown themselves at her and she doesn't even give them the time of day. Another reason why she is so over protective with me when it comes to Ed. I'm surprised she ever put up with it for as long as she did.
Ed. Ed was marvelous. No other feeling could come close to the feelings that he ignited inside of me. His simple glance towards me gave me chills. He was the only one that I desired, the only one that I had ever felt that I could spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn't consider him my first love, because there was a boy or two before him that caught my interest, but he was definitely top of my list. Yet, as does everyone, he had his downfalls. Many of them to be exact. He wasn't the most mature of the bunch, acting like a twelve year old when he's around his friends always struck a never but I never could be mad at him for more then a minute. All it would take was a sincere smile and I was wrapped around his finger once again and that was a dangerous place for me to be. Nobody could relate, or even comprehend the feelings that flowed deep inside me for him. It took one huge mistake for me to realize exactly what I had to set me in my ways. I closed my eyes, reliving the moment that changed everything.
"How could you?! I mean seriously Leighton!" It'd be so long since I'd see those honey brown eyes, touched his velvet smooth skin, or even heard his deep, yet comforting voice. It startled me when he used my full name, always Lee or some other variation of the sort. I was his little Lee Bee, but not anymore. Now, I was mean old Leighton, the girl who had crushed his heart. "You didn't even say good-bye." he muttered quietly, barely audible from the solid two feet that separated us.
"I told you, I was scared. I didn't know what else I could have done. You were way too close to my heart." I sighed. I knew that there were big reason why I'd left, but they didn't make any since to me anymore. "You broke down my barrier." I was so stupid. I found a guy that I loved and I was too childish to understand, which was enough to cost me everything.
"Then why didn't you tell me that!? Why didn't you share just what you were feeling with me? You know that I don't run from my problems. We could have worked through it," His eyes automatically softened. "...together." he breathed.
"You knew that I had issues. You knew that! I went away, I had to think things through. I had to accept the fact that you made me vulnerable, something I promised myself that I'd never, ever do. I accept it, I'm willing to embrace it. I want to be with you, again." I smiled, but he didn't return it. "I love you." Three words, eight letters, three syllables that I'd longed to say since the day I'd left. Never had I said those words to anyone that I was interested in, never had I risked everything, never had I felt the feeling that I did when my eyes connected with Eds.
He looked at me, speechless and shocked spread across his beautiful face. I smiled again, not really knowing what to expect. I hoped that it would be easy, I knew he had to love me back. There was no way that he couldn't love me. I was only gone for a few short months, nothing drastic.
"You knew that I felt strongly for you." he struggled to find the words, pronouncing each syllable with grace. "I loved you, with everything in me and you left. Without a second thought, you just left. How do you think that made me feel? You just ran away." he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and rubbed his temples. Through clenched teeth he spoke again, "The only spot that I can offer you in my life now, is a best friend."
I'm not sure if I gasped, sighed, or maybe grunted in response but some noise erupted from my lungs, followed by the inevitable tears. Not just your average 'I'm-fighting-with-my-best-friend-because-she's-been-ignoring-me-lately' kind of tears, but the kind of tears when you know your life is going to change for the worse and there's absolutely nothing that you can do about it.