A/N: I changed the title and the summary, but the story is still the same. The endings for the other books will be up as soon as their written and edited. :)

This is what would have happened if Percy was a fraction as sarcastic as I am. I had my friends edit it, but feel free to find any way to help me make it better. This is my first PJO fanfic. Anyway, R&R please!

Disclaimer: If y'all think I own it. Your hopeless.

The Lighting Thief

My trip through Olympus was a daze. I passed some giggling wood nymphs who threw olives at me from their garden. Hawkers in the market offered to sell me ambrosia-on-a-stick, and a new shield, and a genuine glitter-weave replica of the Golden Fleece, as seen on Hephaestus-TV. The nine muses were tuning their instruments for a concert in the park while a small crowd gathered, satyrs and naiads and a bunch of good looking teenagers who might've been minor gods and goddesses. Nobody seemed worried about an impeding civil war. In face, everybody seemed in a festive mood. Several of them turned to watch me pass, and whispered to themselves.

I climbed the main rod, toward the big palace at the peak. It was a reverse copy of the palace in the Underworld.

There, everything had been black and bronze. Here, everything glittered white and silver.

I realized Hades must've built his palace to resemble this one. He wasn't welcomed in Olympus except on the winter solstice, so he'd built his own Olympus underground. Despite my bad experience with him, I felt a little sorry for the guy. To be banished from this place seemed really unfair. It would make anybody bitter.

Steps led up to a central courtyard. Past that, the throne room.

Room really isn't the right word. The place made Grand Central Station look like a broom closet. Massive Columns rose to a domed ceiling, which was glided with moving constellations.

Twelve thrones, build for beings the size of Hades, were arranged in an inverted U, just like the cabins at Camp Half-Blood. An enormous fire crackled in the central hearth pit. The thrones were empty except for two at the end: the head throne on the right, and the one to its immediate left. I didn't have to be told what two gods that were sitting there, waiting for me to approach. I came toward them, my legs trembling.

The gods were in giant human form, as Hades had been, but I could barely look at them without feeling a tingle, as if my body were starting to burn. Zeus, the Lord of the Gods, wore a dark blue pinstriped suit. He sat on a simple throne of solid platinum. He had a well-trimmed beard, marbled gray and black like a storm cloud. His face was proud and handsome and grim his eyes rainy gray. I could tell that, if he were in the mood, he could kill me on the spot.

As I got nearer to him, the air crackled and smelled of ozone.

The god sitting next to him was his brother, without a doubt, but he was dressed very differently. He reminded me of a beachcomber from Key West. He wore leather sandals, khaki Bermuda shorts, and a Tommy Bahama shirt with coconuts and parrots all over it. His skin was deeply tanned, his hands scarred like an old-time fisherman's. His hair was black, like mine. His face had that same brooding look that had always gotten me branded a rebel. But his eyes, sea-green like mine, were surrounded by sun-crinkles that told me he smiled a lot, too.

His throne was a deep-sea fisherman's chair. It was the simple swiveling kind, with a black leather seat and a built-in holster for a fishing pole. Instead of a pole, the holster held a bronze trident, flickering with green light around the tips. (A/N- everything before here was exactly the same as the book, here on after is where my sarcasm kicks in)

The gods weren't moving of speaking but there was a tension in the air, as if they'd just finished an argument.

There was dead silence. I strutted to the center of the room and, more or less, bowed. I sat down cross legged and said, "Zeus, Dad." I intertwined my fingers, leaned forward and smiled. Zeus was glaring at me. But I had his master bolt, so he couldn't do all that much. But he could still kill me. That was depressing to think about.

My dad, Poseidon, raised one eyebrow at me. I shrugged. I didn't care. They could kill me, although I believe me mom would have something to say about that.

"So what happened?" Zeus inquired. I shrugged, why not tell him. I shook my head back and forth, debating what to tell him, and what not to.

"So it all started around winter solstice." I began; this was going to be a long day. "Y'all were pissed, you had your lighting bold stolen," I pointed to Zeus, "The weather had been weird ever since. Around that time a Fury came to my school, to kill me I suppose, I don't really know. Chiron and Grover had been there all year. So we went on a field trip to a museum, fun I know, and the Fury tried to kill me, unsuccessfully, I might add, and I killed her instead. Then, a couple weeks later, I got expelled, shocking isn't it, and went home. My mom said we were going to Montauk, so I got packed, Mom made seven-layer dip for Gabe, and we left. Well, a day, maybe two, into our trip, Grover showed up, saying he was being chased by something, so we all left. I killed the Minotaur; Mom disappeared in a shower of golden dusk-like stuff. So at camp, I met Mr. D, who by the way stubbornly insists that he get our names wrong, and Chiron, and Annabeth. Then came capture the flag, we won, you claimed me, this whole hubbaloo started. So I and Annabeth and Grover got a quest to go get your lighting bolt back. We headed across the country, destroying national monuments, scaring nearby citizens, you know, the usual. We were stuck in the Lotus Hotel and Casino for a couple days, and then we headed to LA. From there, we went to the Underworld, learned that Hades didn't have your bolt, and that his helm of darkness was missing. So we left. Once topside, Ares was there with Hades' helm, and I had the bolt, I'm not sure how I got it, but I did. Oh and BTW, it's in this bag here. Anyway, we fought, I won. The Furies got the helm to take back to Hades, and I headed here. On a plane, I never want to do that again." I shivered. I did all this with obnoxious facial expressions and without getting killed. It was amazing.

"Never want to do what again?" Zeus asked confused, if you've never seen a god confused, mark my words, it is HILARIOUS. But mainly because my whole mission in life is to make people confused. "A quest?"

I chuckled, "No, I would love to do a quest again. What I don't want to do is get in a plane. Ever again." I saw realization dawn on his face and snickered to myself.

"You shouldn't, I'll blast you into a million pieces if you do." Zeus thundered. I shrugged this was fair, he hated my guts, might as well, and "So where is it?"

"What?" I asked perplexed.

"The bolt." Zeus said, impatiently.

"Didn't I tell you already? In my backpack, the one that Ares gave me." I shrugged. I was gonna make this as fun as possible, if I was gonna die soon.

My father looked at me, his face was sympathetic. I sighed, then rolled my eyes. I thought he was going to give some long schpeel about how I'm supossed to respect the Lord of the gods. "I'm sorry you were born." was all he said.

I looked at him, incredulous. "Well, Gee! Thanks for the self esteem boost Dad!" I shook my head. "Gods, parents..." I turned away mumbling.

"Give it." Zeus demanded. I turned around. This was going to be fun.

"Give what?" I asked my eye brows pulling together.

"The bolt." Zeus said impatient.

"What's the magic word?" I asked in a sing-song voice.

"Give it now, or I'll kill you!" He thundered. I shivered, and then smirked.

"That's not it. You're gonna have to try again." I answered with the most obnoxious facial expression ever. I took out the bolt and held it in one hand. I could feel the gods' eyes widen at the sight. I walked over to the edge, "Magic word, now! Or I'll drop it." This was not the best way to get him to be nice, but it sure was the funnest.

"Uhhh, I don't know the magic word." Zeus cried out in defeat. I laughed, again this was hilarious. I put on a straight face, which I am famous for, and looked at him in the eyes.

"I though you gods knew everything! Well then I guess I have no choice but to drop it." I smirked, "Try again." So this went on for about an hour, until I just gave up. If they hadn't gotten it in the first 10 minutes, they were hopeless. The bolt was getting heavy. If I didn't let go soon, it would drop and kill us all. Which, by the way, would be awesome. Except for the dying part, not so awesome. If I didn't die, it would be more awesome than if I did. All of the sudden I felt the weight of the bolt leave my hand. I didn't remember dropping it. I looked up; all of the gods were panicking. I looked over the side, just to see the master bolt, hurling towards New York. This was not the way I planned it. Oh well, I'll live, and if I don't, then I'll die. All's fair in love and war.

I watched it plummet towards the earth, as it hit the ground, BOOM! I think I'm dead now. Either way, time to take an unexpected trip to LA. It's going to be fun harassing Hades. I'll make him wish I were still alive. I grinned; this was going to be fun.

Thanks for reading! I'm thinking about redoing the endings for all the books. Remember to R&R! :)