...It was a dark and moonlit night.Outside, a lone cricket chirped, scratching itself where crickets usually do. But this cricket was not the beginning. For in the world of magic, there is no beginning.
...Far to the South, a fell wind blew across the canyons and gulfs of the world. This wind picked up speed until it smashed headlong into our cricket hero. Far he flew, borne by tempestuous fate to he knew not where. But he did not cringe (though he did stop scratching himself), for this was his destiny. He had been chosen.
...Gigantic molasses greeting him, a wet red cavern surrounded by gleaming white boulders, each more irregular and misshapen than the last. Inside, our cricket knew, he would face the monster of the deeps, where so many of his fellows had perished. He was ready.
...Then the ground shook and rose up beneath him, red flesh enveloping him and before he knew it, the cricket hero had fallen down a deep dark hole, straight to the terrible stomach acids that had consumed his courageous brethren.
..."Harry!" A beautiful feminine voice called out, "That's utterly disgusting. Did you just eat that insect?"
...Rearing up to his full height of a foot, Harry gnashed his teeth in defiance, uttering a string of excuses made unintelligible by the insect thrashing around in his trachea.
..."Pwny Shprancis!" He bellowed, gesticulating his chubby hands in the air, "NOW!"
...Just at that moment, the door swung open to reveal a dark, black-caped omen of shadow. Like he had been for eons, he was the bringer of the wind that carried away the children of the Singing Leaf tribe, and at that moment he was staring at Harry Potter and his mother with undisguised hunger and lust.
..."Lily," he said in his most suave voice, "I am hungry."
...In desperate defence of his mother, Harry charged, slamming his head into Sirius's knee. Like two bulls locked in mortal combat, they both bellowed, one in pain, the other out of the sheer exhilaration of battle. Before Harry could bring his hands up in a sweeping undercut that would have knocked Sirius's right leg out of the fight, two hands encircled him and picked him up, bringing the fearless fighter face to face with his archnemesis.
..."If you hit me one more time, Harry, I'm not going to play with you."
...Defeated by his enemy's superior negotiating skills, Harry bowed his head in submission and trailed after his godfather, entering the dining room that Lily had set with two plates of food. Of course, Harry reflected, none had been set aside for him. He was sure if he was an orphan, he wouldn't get any less attention from this miserable family that refused to care for him. It was only out of his own intelligence that he survived, hunting down wild crickets and caterpillars in their natural habitats.
..."Hagrid has gone over to Voldemort, Lily. Things are looking grim."
..."Hagrid," Harry's beautiful and cruel mother asked, shocked, "but that's impossible. He was always on our side!"
..."Hagrid has a past, it seems," Sirius, the cold, dastardly man whose motorcycle often blew away the crickets Harry was hunting, replied, "Something Voldemort rekindled to lure Hagrid away from the Light. May he perish in the most insufferable agony."
..."Voldemort seduced Hagrid?" Lily asked, shocked. She really was a very stupid mother, Harry decided. He had seen Hagrid and he could tell at first sight that anyone would fall head over heels in love with him at first sight. He was just so big, and his beard so full of juicy crickets, that it was no wonder this Voldemort woman had worked to bring him to her own side at once. "But I thought Voldemort was a...a..."
..."Yea I thought so too," Sirius, "Or at least that Bellatrix was his mistress. But it appears Voldemort is willing to use everything at his disposal. I have no doubt that the Gringotts coup was him similarly hitting on a vulnerable old goblin, eager to find true love before dying."
...As Harry wandered away from this truly boring discussion, he heard his mother begin to cry. Usually, that meant Harry should kick her in the knee to get her spirits up, but the fact that she had forgotten to include him in the dinner meant he was not going to do her any favors. From far away, he heard Sirius comforting Lily with soft words. Sirius comforting anyone was always funny to listen to. The last time, he had had an irristible urge to offer his godfather a cookie for his good work, at which point his father had spanked him very hard in front of everyone present.
...That was alright. Harry knew his parents hated him, and he knew that the ways they found to make his life miserable only, in truth, made him tougher and more resistant. When he grew up he'd leave Godric's Hollow as fast as he could, maybe even join this Voldemort who, at the very least, seemed to truly appreciate the people who followed him of their own free will.
...Waddling back into the dining room, his trophy under his arm, Harry made his way to the foot of the nearest chair, where his prey lay at ease.
..."Lily, I know it's difficult with James never around, but you must remember there are others who care about you. Hell, Lily, even I think you're the most beau..."
..."PONY PRINCESS!" Harry smashed the board game down as hard as he could on the protruding foot, hearing a howl of pain and surprise in response. He had hit Sirius again. He was getting good at telling different feet apart.
..."Harry you nasty piece of... I mean, Harry, why can't we just be friends? Now, I'll play with you later, I just need to talk to your mother."
...Well, Harry thought, he hadn't exactly thought he would get any results. When Sirius talked to his mother, it was very difficult to get him to play Pony Princess or anything else for that matter. Only when James was around did Sirius acquiesce to Harry's demands. In fact, when James was around, Sirius barely said anything to Lily Potter.
..."You know, Lily, I love children, I really do. Harry's like my own son, I swear. Such a funny boy. When he grows up I'm sure he'll be just like James and I at Hogwarts. Hah, good old James and I, we were the terror of Gryffindor, well, with Remus and Peter, of course, but mostly just James and I..."
...Harry was a desperately lonely child, but he did not break down and cry. Crying was for babies, and he was not a baby. He was a big kid. Even Hagrid said so, and Hagrid was the biggest kid he knew. He wondered who Hagrid's parents were, and whether they were as mean to him as Lily and James were. His mother in particular, only played Pony Princess with him a bare dozen times a day, and his father always punished him for silly little things. He hated both of them. And Sirius too, but that was different because Sirius was his archenemy. Sirius had been very impressed with that word, though he was too stupid to understand its meaning. That was all right. When he grew up, he'd find a worther archenemy. Someone like Hagrid, who was really big and really smart.
..."Lily, who is to begrudge us a few moments of joy in our dark lives? Dumbledore would tell you that love is the strongest force, and to resist it is only to make you more like Voldemort."
...Sirius came around the corner, his hand wrapped around Lily's waist, the second leaning against him as if drunk. Not that Lily was ever drunk of course, even when Harry made her drink seven cups of tea in a row (she had her qualities, Harry had to admit), but she certainly looked like it now, stumbling as she was up the stairs.
...Neither of them had seen Harry, but that was only ordinary. Harry was an apprentice Dementor, except that he was invisible to both wizards and Muggles. That was his power. James didn't accept that, but then again James never accepted Harry did. His father was just an arrogant, intolerant brute. He had learned those words from the dictionary. Even his mother couldn't read dictionaries (or at least, he never saw her doing so, and she refused at every opportunity he gave her), but that was just more proof that Harry was far more intelligent than his parents, who were jealous of his abilities.
..."Sirius, what about Harry? I'll have to put him to bed."
...Harry picked up his ears at the sound of his name, and wordlessly faded away into the shadows at the dreaded second sentence. Fortunately, neither Sirius nor Lily descended the stairs to take him into custody. That meant that they were...
...Harry loved watching grownups wrestle. James and Lily did it a lot, when they thought he was sleeping, but this was the first time Sirius and Lily tried. Personally, he put his bet on Sirius, but he knew the outcome could go either way. His dream match had been Hagrid and Dumbledore, because Hagrid was very strong and everyone said Dumbledore was the best at everything, but he'd never seen the latter for more than three seconds, and Dumbledore never played Pony Princess with him anyways, which proved he was a bad person too.
..."Sirius, I..."
...The doors flung open in a blinding flash of green light, and after the momentary blinding, Harry saw Lily and Sirius, both sitting on the bed looking rather surprised, while one cloaked figure leered down at them.
..."I've come for the boy," the voice left no doubt that it had a sore throat, so Harry momentarily thought about entering the room and telling the stranger where he kept his parents kept their secret store of Muggle medicine.
..."Wow," Sirius stood up, "You can choose any time to barge in and kill the Potters, and you pick now? You are the biggest prick in the world, and I've a good mind to kick your butt."
..."Oh god," Lily laughed, "I thought you were James for a second. You scared me so bad there, Riddle."
..."Wormtongue," Riddle hissed, "This is not going to plan. Nobody's quivering!"
...Harry saw someone peek out from under Voldemort's robe (probably a baby, some babies liked to hide under their mother's robes when they were scared, though Harry never had), and squeak out in a high pitched voice:
..."What? But the prophecy said..."
..."There's a prophecy that says I sleep with Lily Potter?" Sirius bellowed, "That jackass Trelawney!"
..."I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID SEX STORIES!" Voldemort screamed, "I WANT TO KILL YOUR SON!"
...There was a loud explosion of green and suddenly another wizard stood in the room, who Harry immediately recognized as his father. Sirius lept off the bed with a doglike yelp.
..."Voldemort!" James yelled, "Run Lily, save Harry!"
..."Yes!" Voldemort shouted, "Save Lily, Harry! I mean, Harry, Lily! Go!"
...As Lily made to exit the room, Wormtongue confided in a confidential whisper to James, "Sirius was having an affair with your wife, James."
..."What!"
..."You little squeaker," Sirius advanced towards Wormtongue menacingly, the latter disappearing under Voldemort's robes in a flash.
..."No! We can settle this later," Voldemort clapepd his hands together, "I've got to kill your son first!"
..."Lily, after all these years of marriage," James sobbed, "Why?"
..."You just don't understand what a woman wants!" Lily screamed back at him, "You were always leaving me alone to go on some Order business! Harry already considers Sirius to be his real father!"
..."You knew what it meant to be my wife!" James shouted back across a rather bemused Voldemort, who was snapping his fingers together impatiently, "I don't want to see any more of you, you unfaithful harpy!"
...Harry decided now was a good time to make his entrance, so as Lily turned to leave he ran in the room, his battlecry echoing around the walls of the bedroom.
..."PONY PRINCESS!" He smashed the game down on Lily's foot so hard she jumped up and hit her head on the ceiling.
..."That's the boy!" Wormtongue yelled, "Get him master!"
..."Avada Kedav..."
...Sirius tackled Voldemort, with a loud cry of "LILY! NOOOO!"
...James glanced hesitantly between Voldemort and Sirius wrestling on the ground and Lily, who was still rubbing her head as if dazed.
..."Master!" Wormtongue jumped from where he had been standing reaching out for Voldemort's dropped wand. With a loud cry, James dove, knocking Wormtongue aside and closing his fingers around the wand.
...Harry decided this was a good time to say his next line, which he had been practicing for a long time, as James pointed the wand at Voldemort, an incantation on the tip of his lips.
..."You're not my real father!"
...Lily turned a shade of white to match the wall paint, while everybody in the room froze. James turned slowly, his face so still it seemed he had been turned to stone.
..."You're not my real father!" Harry repeated with glee.
..."SIRIUS YOU WHORE!" Sirius flew into the wall as a loud bang separated him and Voldemort.
..."James! Language!" Lily covered her son's eyes with ice-cold hands.
..."You're going to get it too, you faithless wench!" Lily dove away from Harry as a yellow light zipped by his ear, hitting the hallway beyond and throwing a vase into the air.
..."To be honest," Wormtongue tugged at James' cloak, "Voldemort also wanted to kill your son."
..."YOU'RE ALL AGAINST ME!" James turned to zap Voldemort too, who raised his hands up in the air in protest.
..."I did you a favor Potter! If I hadn't come here in time, you'd never have known about your wife and Black! Ask Wormtongue, we heard the prophecy about the two of them so we came to warn you."
..."That's not true," Wormtongue whispered, "He's lying,"
..."Faithless dog!" Voldemort bellowed, picking up Sirius's wand to blast his treacherous servant.
..."Dog," James whispered, "NO YOU DON'T YOU BASTARD!"
...A large black dog flew into the air and hit the ceiling hard, before rebounding several times and hitting his head against a bedpost. Lily screamed, and James turned at the sound of her voice. Unfortunately, right as he sent a jet of yellow light at his wife a figure swathed in green appeared, right in the way of the exploding curse.
..."Xenophilius!" Lily exclaimed over the inert, still-smoking body of the wizard, "What are you doing here?"
..."Voldemort invited me for the battle," the man Harry knew as Loony Lovegood Senior answered, "I'm with the Death Eaters now."
..."Xenophilius!" Lily exclaimed again, as if she was too stupid to realize the man already knew his own name, "Why did you join the Death Eaters?"
..."Free Horcruxes," he coughed back, "It's a good offer."
..."Don't you know Horcruxes are bad for your health?"
..."Inconclusive research!" Voldemort bellowed from where he stood, crumpled by one of James's rebounding curses, "That's a lie!"
..."Xexe!" Harry cried with joy, "PLAY PONY PRINCESS!"
...Unfortunately for Harry, it was right as he was running towards Xenophilius Lovegood that disaster struck.. Because this story isn't really about Harry Potter. It's about Chirp, the fearless cricket.
...After being swallowed by Harry, Chirp had managed to grab on to the side of of Harry's trachea, and slowly haul himself up, through the larynx, the glottis, and finally up the epiglottis. It had been a terrible journey, and he had lost a leg along the way. Climbing up the tunnel had been difficult, and there were times he had almost fallen off due to earthquakes and caveins. But slowly, with nothing but determination and a body trained by 500 hundred years of evolution to climb up smooth vertical surfaces, he made his way up and into the mouth.
...Chirp waited for his moment, when the mouth would open and he would fly out, and he slowly recognized the pattern to this otherwise random opening of the cavern entry way. When the booming sounds appeared accompanied by vicious winds hissing up from the vocal cords, the mouth would open and various globs of water would fly out and into the great expanses of air beyond.
...Then the winds came again and Chirp threw himself in the middle of the great cavern hall, where the winds picked him up right as the entryway opened, and threw him outside.
...Harry opened his mouth and a gigantic black dot flew out, buffeted by an incoming wind right into the direction of Voldemort.
...Seeing his quarry escaping, Voldemort had drawn his wand to fire off a killing curse, but as he saw the Chosen One expel a vile insect he opened his mouth in astonishment. The killing curse was already in flight, a green jet of light, but Voldemort saw only the avenging insect that the Chosen One had managed to spit out at him.
...Chirp, it must be said, died a hero. He didn't feel any pain as his life disappeared in a flash of green light, but such was his momentum that even dead, he continued to fly on. Straight into the mouth of a bewildered and awestruck Lord Voldemort.
...Lily did not survive the shock of seeing a gigantic insect fly straight out of the mouth of her son. James only saw the event out of the corner of his eyes, and as he turned to stare Sirius's defensive curse hit him full on in the face. James flew right over his wife (who was going into cardiac arrest) and landed on Xenophilius's face. Then the vase he had earlier sent flying into the air (and had then been kept aloft by subsequent curses) crashed down on his head and killed him.
...Wormtongue could do nothing but scream with horror as his master choked on the big black cricket he had accidentally swallowed. Even dead, valiant Chirp's raspy legs hooked on to the side of the Dark Lord's throat. Purple in the face, Lord Voldemort died of suffocation a few minutes later.
...Harry, shoving his father off of Xenophilius's inert body, was disappointed to find that the wizard was now completely unconscious. Mr Lovegood never remembered the events of that fateful night, or if he did, not even his own daughter believed him. Perhaps it was for the greater good.
...While Wormtongue fled into the night and Dumbledore sped towards Godric's Hollow (knowing only that Voldemort had been on his way there), Sirius stared flabbergasted at his godson.
..."I want to be a Pony Princess." Harry explained to the only conscious human in the room, "Like her!"
...The little boy pointed at the person on the box of the game, a little girl with a lightning scar on her face, riding a fat little pink pony with bows and flowers in his mane.
...Sirius had no choice but to tattoo a bolt of lightning on the demanding little Harry's front. He did not want to get killed by a big black cricket. It would be too horrible an end.
...When he was done, Harry smiled.
..."Now," he said, "PLAY PONY PRINCESS!"
...The blow felled Sirius in one hit, causing so much brain damage that his godfather lost all memory of that fateful night. When Dumbledore arrived, all he saw were various dead or unconscious bodies and little Harry, toying with the scar on his face.