There had only been one Unsolved that had given Shane nightmares, had freaked him out nearly as much as Ryan in a demon episode. It was a True Crime, although Ryan argued it could be a rare crossover with Supernatural. At first the premise of the episode had been a huge laugh between them. They were investigating a haunted sex club after all. What could be funnier? The club called The Labyrinth, had been abandoned for years. It was incredibly isolated, hidden away in the countryside. To Shane's surprise, it wasn't just a name. The place was an actual labyrinth.
In their hotel room, Ryan put on his narrator voice as he explained the basics of the club to the camera. It was owned by Deirdre O'Riley, although since her disappearance in the 70s, the club was being looked after by her twin sister Caoimhe. It was widely believed that Deirdre was lost somewhere in the labyrinth and had been for years. After her disappearance, the club officially closed down. However, people still snuck in… mainly to film porn which Shane laughed at. Why would you film a porno in a place where someone had gone missing? They had a back and forth about how some people must have a morbidity kink. How someone might have filmed a porno in the Sallie House or the London Tombs. Shane accused the other man of being the type to own a collection of haunted house porn. Ryan wheezed.
He went on to list the names of film crew members that had gone missing over the years. How there had been flashes of Deirdre O'Riley's face in the doorways of the rooms where the pornos were filmed. It led many to believe that the crew members had been kidnapped. Police searched the place inside and out, but came up empty-handed. The strangest part of the mystery, was seeing a picture of Deirdre from before she had disappeared and the sightings of her as recent as a few years ago. Despite the decades that had passed, the woman didn't look like she'd aged a year. That bit of information, was what made the line between the episode being a True Crime or a Supernatural very thin.
Ryan moved on into the theories. Theory one was that Deirdre was just hiding off in some town, that she wasn't in the labyrinth at all. This was disproved easily, as there had been multiple sightings of Deirdre, some on security footage, others in the pornos where people had gone missing. Theory two was that Deirdre had built secret rooms in the labyrinth where she would hide away. Those who didn't believe she killed her captives, thought she'd inducted them into a secret sex cult.
"Like Ben Franklin," said Ryan, pointing at the camera. "Watch Ruining History."
"Thanks Ryan," said Shane.
This theory was hard to take seriously as well, as police had searched the labyrinth multiple times for secret rooms. Each time they found nothing.
"Unless she hid them very well," said Shane.
"You backing this theory then?" said Ryan. "She's hiding in secret rooms?"
"It makes the most sense," said Shane.
Theory three was that Deirdre was some kind of Elizabeth Báthory wannabe who kidnapped virgins and bathed in their blood to live forever.
"I don't think anyone who filmed there was a virgin, Ryan," said Shane and the other man laughed before admitting he was probably right. Theory four was that Deirdre was possessed by the devil and dragged sinners to hell through a portal in the labyrinth. Shane rolled his eyes as Ryan laughed even harder.
"Did the police find the portal?" he said in a mocking voice.
"Well no, because they weren't the sinners the demon was after," Ryan pointed out.
"So the portal only opens for certain people?" Shane asked. "It somehow figures out whether you're sinful enough? It has a sin scanner?"
They both mimed being scanned, making humming noises.
"Not enough sin in this guy," said Ryan.
"Yeah you get going mister, we're not having you," added Shane.
Behind the scenes, this episode had been one of the hardest to approve. The idea of sending a film crew down to a place where film crews had gone missing was of course a big problem. Ryan pointed out that paranormal and true crime investigators such as themselves, had visited many a time and been fine. Only the people involved with porn seemed to disappear. And they weren't involved with porn.
"I bet your internet history would tell a different story," said Shane.
The other problem was with Deirdre's sister, Caoimhe ("pronounce it like Kee-va," she'd told them.) She'd insisted she wouldn't let the two explore the labyrinth alone and they'd only be allowed to film if she was their guide. Over the phone, she'd told them quite matter-of-factly;
"You say you're an investigating team but a lot of you so called investigating teams go and start fucking the second I leave you alone. If you go missing, I'm going to be sued again. Can't bloody afford that."
It worried the higher ups at Buzzfeed. They were afraid that the dynamic between Ryan and Shane might be thrown off with an extra person hanging around with such a dominant personality. Shane and Ryan weren't bothered by her however. It was only for one episode that it would be a team of three instead of two. It would be something a little different to shake things up and keep things interesting.
So, they arrived at The Labyrinth near the end of the afternoon, having driven over from the hotel. The Labyrinth looked completely unremarkable from the outside. It was like any other country house. Caoimhe was waiting by her car in the driveway and sitting at her feet was a grey dog, although it could have been easily mistaken for a wolf. Shane and Ryan both stopped their conversation to gawp at her for a second, before remembering their manners.
Ryan had explained to Shane that Deirdre and Caoimhe O'Riley both had gigantism. Seeing someone that tall in real life however, had rather startled them. They got out of the car and walked over with the cameraman to say their hellos and shake her hand. Shane seemed especially unnerved. He was used to always being the tallest. Being towered over was a strange new feeling. Caoimhe was attractive in a peculiar way. She had a face like an old illustration of a fairy, with long blonde hair, big eyes and a delicate nose and mouth. She was also very muscular with rough skin, dressed in gym clothes with large calloused hands.
"So, you're the … Investigators," she said as though she suspected them of wanting to investigate each other. Shane and Ryan had a big laugh about it later on.
"She ships us Ryan," said Shane.
"Holy shit," the other man wheezed back.
Caoimhe got her keys for the front doors many locks. Before she did, she pointed out all the security cameras.
"Anyone tried to break in, police gets alerted instantly," she said, before looking straight at their cameraman. "So, none of your audience gets any funny ideas."
There was awkward laughter although the woman didn't look like she was joking.
"What's the dog's name?" asked Ryan, changing the subject. He shot a fond smile at the animal.
"She's a stray," said Caoimhe. "She took a liking to me. Started hanging round. Don't pat her, she bites."
Shane and Ryan drew away, Ryan more reluctant. He looked very tempted to pat her anyway.
Caoimhe finally unlocked the door and they walked inside, the dog following them in. It was too hot and stuffy, with narrow corridors and curtains drawn firmly over windows. Lamps threw warm gold and red light about the place. Both the floor and strangely, the ceiling and walls were carpeted which added to the claustrophobic feeling. There were tapestries and embroidery on the walls. All the furniture and doorways were enormous. Little rickety tables held knick-knacks, including taxidermy animals and vintage children toys with staring eyes and odd smiles.
Later on, Shane and Ryan had a banter over it being the most unromantic location they'd ever seen. How anyone could have sex in such a place was the biggest unsolved mystery of the season.
"Lots of break ins round Valentine's Day for some reason," said Caoimhe. "Don't know why. If either of you brought your significant others here, they'd break up with you on the spot."
"Yeah, that won't be a problem," said Ryan. "I'm not planning on bringing my girlfriend here."
Shane smiled at Ryan's emphasis on the word girlfriend.
Caoimhe showed them a picture of her sister, which was near the front of the labyrinth. It was life sized and Ryan only came to her midriff. If Caoimhe looked like a fairy, then Deirdre looked like a witch. She wore a blindfold and a black dress made of a bunch of contrasting materials and textures. She had curly black hair, incredibly pale skin and a snarling mouth. Caoimhe explained that Deirdre had been born without eyes. She took out her phone and showed them a photo of Deirdre without the blindfold, staring out at them with empty eye sockets. Later, Shane and Ryan had to talk with the higher-ups on whether they could show the photo in the video or if it would be too disturbing. Both men wanted to show it and they eventually argued it into the episode.
She led them through the place, the dog at her heels. The building had no stairs, the floor just sloping downwards. It had a confusing effect, tricking you into thinking you hadn't moved from the top floor, before realising you had actually gotten down much further. She walked them through doorways hidden behind paintings and curtains, down twisting and forking halls. After five minutes, Shane and Ryan knew it'd been a good idea to have a guide. They'd have been lost in a second if they'd tried to go through the labyrinth alone.
Finally, Caoimhe stopped walking when they reached a lounge room, gesturing at them to take a seat. They struggled to climb into the large armchairs. Shane's feet didn't even touch the floor.
"So, Deirdre built the labyrinth back in the late 50s, when we were eighteen," she said. "It goes down about thirteen floors underground. As you know, it was a high-end sex club…all the celebrities hung out here."
She showed them a wall of celebrity photos, including the Rolling Stones and David Bowie.
"He's got a liking for labyrinths," said Shane and Caoimhe told him she got that joke all the time.
"I was a janitor," she said. "Not a nice job cleaning up at a sex club, let me tell you. Bloody biohazard."
Shane and Ryan exchanged looks, feeling like school children in a Sex Ed class, trying not to laugh.
"So, it was the 70s and they were filming downstairs…I don't have to explain what kind of film it was," she said. "Deirdre barges in, starts screaming, so I go running in after her. She's gone nuts. Stark naked. Stabbed herself in her privates, chopped off her nipples, got a nail through each hand and foot like she was Jesus. Screaming nonsense I can barely make sense of. She tried to slice my face with the nail in her hand. Missed. Then she got the male actor. Cut his privates clean off."
She paused for a second to let the grisly tale sink in.
"I got hit in the face with the blood," she said in a serious voice. "Not the kind of facial they were expecting."
Shane bit his knuckle to stop his laughter. Ryan's eyes were watering.
"We never saw Deirdre in the flesh again," she said, not noticing them. "She disappeared after the attack. Police searched the place up and down and all the surrounding areas. Like she went up in a puff of smoke. They realized later she probably never left."
She showed them a grainy security picture and it was something they knew they couldn't argue into the episode. If it had ever showed up on Youtube, their video would've been flagged in a second. Deirdre stood, with empty sockets, smiling with all her teeth at the camera, her palms, breasts and vagina bearing awful scars. It was then that Shane had felt the first threads of unease crawling through him. Before seeing the photo, the whole case had felt so funny to him, porn crews going missing in a haunted sex club. Seeing the photo, he imagined being alone in this place. Alone and running into a giant mutilated woman. Never being found again.
"Also I still clean here, and sometimes you find blood trails down the corridors or on the walls. I think she picks the scabs and smears blood everywhere. Sick bitch," although her words were harsh, there was sadness in her eyes.
She got up and led them down to the lowest floors. Shane, the cameraman and Caoimhe were fine but Ryan walked slowly, his hand on his head, a pained expression on his face. He told them he felt dizzy. They sat down in a small room with a jukebox in the corner.
"'Nother reason why we need a guide," Caoimhe said. "People faint all the time, the lower down we get. Not enough oxygen."
She gestured around the room.
"This is where it happened," she said. "You're sitting on the same couch the actors were."
Ryan let out a nauseated sound, his head between his knees.
"I don't think that's making him feel better," said Shane. Caoimhe didn't look like she cared.
"It's funny," she said. "The jukebox keeps playing the same song over and over. I had to pull the plug out to stop it playing."
"Was it What's New Pussycat?" asked Shane, making Ryan laugh.
"No," said Caoimhe with a confused frown, not getting the joke. "It's Lady Marmalade. The original version."
They asked her if they were allowed to plug the jukebox back in. She was fine with that. Then they asked if they could do their usual routine of taking turns staying in the room alone. She seemed more hesitant but they managed to convince her. They agreed to stay for the duration of one play of the song. Shane took the first try. He found the jukebox incredibly funny.
"Imagine being murdered to a groovy disco tune," he said. He did a goofy dance, flailing his limbs around. Then he commented on how he hoped the couch had been thoroughly cleaned, before sitting down.
"It's a little scarier here than other places," he admitted to the camera. "Mainly because Deidre O'Riley isn't a ghost or a demon, she's as real as you or me. She's obviously still kicking around here somewhere. She might pop out any second now and try to dismember me."
There was a pause as the music played on.
"It's sad," he said. "I'm scared of this lady alright, but I don't think she's possessed. Before we knew the science behind things, it was always blame it all on the demons! The demons did it! If it was nowadays, she could have been able to get the right therapy… avoided all of this."
The song stopped playing and he got up to leave. It was Ryan's turn and that's when all the trouble started. At first, Shane was laughing at how panicked he was, making fun of him as usual. Then when the song stopped, Ryan let out a sigh of relief and went to walk out. But he couldn't open the door.
"Haha, very funny Shane," he said. "Let me out."
Shane stared at the door with confusion.
"I'm not doing anything," he said in his most serious voice.
"What?" said Ryan, voice full of panic at once. "You better not be joking."
"I swear I'm not," said Shane. He tried to turn the doorknob but it was shut fast. Ryan started banging on the door, desperately trying to open it. The song had started up again.
"Just stay calm," said Shane, although he had never felt less calm in his life.
"Shut up Shane, you're not the one trapped in the murder room!" said Ryan. "I don't want to die to Lady Marmalade!"
They laughed despite themselves. Caoimhe walked over with the dog, looking completely unfussed. She motioned Shane away from the door and got out a key.
"You'll be out in a second little guy," said Shane. Ryan didn't answer. Caoimhe tried to open the door, but the lock wouldn't work.
"Ryan?" Shane said, trying to keep the fear from his voice. His breath was short, the bottom of his stomach was tight and his face felt too hot and too cold at the same time. He imagined opening the door and finding it empty. Ryan disappeared, never to be seen again.
"Stand back," said Caoimhe. Shane didn't respond, still caught up in his panic. She put a big hand on his shoulder and moved him aside. Then she took a few steps back, put up her leg and gave the door a mighty kick, knocking it down. Shane and the cameraman ran inside. Ryan was sprawled across the carpet in a dead faint. Immediately the dog went over and laid its body across the man's chest, looking like a big furry blanket. It seemed to be protecting him.
Caoimhe bent down beside him and gave his shoulder a shake. Ryan stirred, opening his eyes. Relief went through Shane in a wave.
"This is so embarrassing," Ryan murmured as he struggled to sit up with a heavy dog on his chest.
"No it's normal," said Caoimhe. "It happens to lots of people down here…"
"Not enough oxygen," Shane said. He still felt slightly dazed. They managed to get the dog off him and get him to his feet. He was very shaky, so Shane helped him walk back to the upper levels. Ryan was looking at him like he was expecting to be made fun of. Shane sent him a small smile but was too shaken himself to say a word.
At the front door, Caoimhe turned to them and immediately said, "please don't sue me."
It made Ryan embarrassed all over again. They reassured her that they wouldn't but she looked distrusting. She let them out and Shane took a last glance at the picture of Deirdre O'Riley, looming over them before they left.
It was a quiet trip back to the hotel. In their room, Ryan lay down on his bed. They both chatted about the shoot but the conversation was slightly strained, Ryan obviously still feeling awkward about what had happened. They got ready for bed in silence.
Shane had a dream that night that he was at home in his own bed but when he turned around, it wasn't Sara beside him but Deirdre, staring at him with empty eyes. He woke up in a cold sweat. Ryan was tossing and turning as well. He woke up with a gasp. Turning over on his side, he caught Shane's concerned gaze. He looked like he was holding back the urge to cry.
"I feel so stupid," he said, avoiding eye contact with Shane. "I can't believe I fainted. We can't cut it out, the whole world's gonna see me."
"Don't worry about it," Shane said. Ryan sighed.
"I wish I was braver," he said.
"I was scared too, you know," Shane said. "I just had my first Unsolved nightmare."
Ryan looked over with surprise.
"Really?" he said.
"I thought you'd gone missing," Shane said. "When I was there on my own, I thought she might turn up and attack me."
"You've never been scared in an episode before," said Ryan, still sounding shocked.
"Yeah well I'm scared of real things Ryan…most episodes there's only ghosties to be afraid of," he said. "Deirdre O'Riley is in that labyrinth. She's probably made a few people go missing. I was scared as hell."
Ryan was silent for a little while.
"Can you admit that in the post-mortem?" he asked. They both laughed. Ryan sounded a lot more relaxed now after Shane's confession.
"Of course," said Shane. "We'll be scaredy cats together."
The next day, Ryan sat on the end of his bed as Shane packed up. He said into the camera;
"It is still unknown why Deirdre O'Riley still stalks the halls of The Labyrinth. How she has managed to evade capture. How she appears unchanged after all these years. Whether she has anything to do with the club's many disappearances. For now, the case shall remain unsolved."