Disclaimer: I don't own the Sarah Jane Adventures, or the characters, or anything. Just the plot.
A/N: My first venture into the SJA archives, and I hope you all approve. Inspired purely by the genius of Elizabeth Sladen and the rest of her show's cast. A different take on the Sarah Jane/Maria ship. Episode Tag for 'The Mark of the Berserker'.
Summary: A conference call to a friend for Clyde helps answer some questions for Maria and poses some rather important ones for Sarah Jane. SarMar (Sarah Jane/Maria)
Understanding
Clyde sat down in front of the computer and checked behind him just one more time before typing in the right things and waiting for the call to connect. It was after six, on a Saturday, and the Sarah Jane's household was, for once, having a quiet day. Clyde had spent the day with the most important people to him – Luke, Rani and Sarah Jane, after saying goodbye to his Mum this morning. Now he'd asked for a favour from the woman he looked up to so much to contact the other most important person to him – Maria Jackson.
He'd been in a far too sentimental mood since his father had left, again, for Germany – his Mum was on the verge of worrying about how affectionate he'd been for the past week. The others he knew had noticed, but for his sake hadn't said anything and he was grateful. He'd thanked them, in his own way, when he'd had a moment alone with each of them, and now he just had one last thank you to offer, as well as something he'd never even considered sharing before – compassion. He said he was feeling sentimental, but he knew if anyone was going to understand this it was Maria.
"Clyde?" There was a grin spreading across both friends' faces as the connection was secured and they greeted each other.
"Maria, hi!" He returned, straightening up and looking fully at the computer, although he kept half an ear on the door he couldn't see behind him.
"How are you? Luke told me about what happened with your Dad – I'm sorry." Clyde shrugged, having gotten used to acting nonchalant about the whole thing.
"It's alright. It's over now, anyway." Maria smiled understandingly, knowing he wouldn't want to be questioned but a little bemused as to why he'd called.
"I'm glad it's all sorted – you lot should have known not to try and handle something like that without Sarah Jane." Maria's voice was a mix of emotions that Clyde found strangely comforting in it's familiarity – concerned, cross and a little admiring. And he knew, like he'd always known, that the admiration was not directed at all his way. Maria reserved that for someone who he knew now deserved it far more than he did.
"Yeah, well, you helped too. You got her there." Clyde knew Maria would understand it was his way of saying thanks, she'd always known him too well.
"Well, Dad did really." His friend grinned, proud of her father in a way Clyde couldn't help but envy.
"But it was your idea." He insisted, and Maria grinned, proud of herself as well.
"Yeah, and I'm just glad it worked." The girl smiled, but still looking a little troubled as they always did when they thought back to a moment of climbing desperation. "Luke said you couldn't remember any of them, not even your Mum, just Sarah Jane." Clyde shifted uncomfortably.
"I would have remembered you if you were there." He said, forcefully, because he believed it – she was as engraved into his mind as Sarah Jane was, if he forgot one then he'd forget the other. He said it because it was true, but didn't realise Maria could have heard it as an accusation.
"I wish I had been there." For the first time since she'd moved, Clyde finally saw a spark of longing in Maria's eye, the kind that grew from her being so distanced from them, and from Sarah Jane. He knew she missed them, just as they missed her, but he understood the other larger part of that a bit more now.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I know I used to tease you and stuff, about you and Sarah Jane-" Suddenly, Maria was sat very straight and looking extremely wary, her eyes shielded and she cast several glances behind her to check her Dad or anyone else wasn't nearby, before checking the screen around him. "I'm not stupid Maria, she's not up here, I checked." Visibly, his friend relaxed a little and she nodded, still anxious. "She's downstairs with Luke, making tea. She doesn't know, we none of us said anything, just like we promised." Clyde assured her, and she relaxed a little bit more.
"Does Rani know?" Maria asked, curiously more than anything, and Clyde nodded hesitantly.
"We – well, Luke – it kind of slipped out. Sorry." Maria sighed, having accepted that secrets escaped more easily around people your own age. After all, she hadn't meant to let Clyde or Luke know how she felt. "We didn't mean to tell her. I nearly did during that thing with Spellman a while back – the fear entity? She asked if you would have stayed outside and I nearly said no chance – you'd never have let Sarah Jane in there on her own in the first place. Never did like letting her out of your sight, did you?" Clyde grinned teasingly and Maria rolled her eyes slightly.
"Alright, what did you want to talk about?" Maria asked carefully and with a little smile, flicking another look around her. She was used to the jibes from Clyde. He grinned for a minute as he registered her flicker of annoyance, but then turned serious.
"Just that, I kind of understand now, about how you feel – how she's the only person in the world sometimes that you can really trust. When she was the only one I remembered, I was quite happy to go straight to her, let her reassure me, even though my Dad needed help, I went to her because I knew she could help, I knew she was the only one who could help." Clyde tried to explain, because even though he'd been the one to call, he was still wasn't sure he knew why and it seemed harder than he'd anticipated to verbalise.
"You 'kind of' understand?" Maria questioned, torn between being happy and angry from what Clyde could see and he nodded.
"I mean, I know I won't ever get it completely – because I'm not a girl, and you lot have a weird way of communicating sometimes that I won't ever understand, but apart from that, I think I know. You feel safe with her. You know she'll protect you. You know she'll do whatever it takes." Maria smiled sadly at Clyde's words and leant her elbow on the table beside her, shoving her fingers into her hair as her eyes drifted away from the screen.
"But it's more than that, Clyde. When I look at her, I see something amazing. I see someone with drive, intelligence beyond anything I used to dream of, force of will, love of life and everything in it. I see someone I wish I could be one day. But I also see someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I see someone that is so like me in so many ways, that I can talk to without having to say much, that understands me in a way no one had ever done before. I see someone I want to hold, make feel good, someone I know sometimes hurts more than she let's on and I want to comfort her."
Clyde sat back in the chair and could feel the astounded expression growing across his face as he finally grasped something close to comprehension about Maria's feelings for the woman who had practically adopted them. Maria seemed to catch herself after that, and she looked back at the screen, shaking her head as a bitter light surfaced in her face. Clyde hadn't ever considered this went so deep, had just thought it was a crush, like he had on Rani – but this? This was way beyond what he'd thought.
"You know, that's how I knew you'd been affected by the Trickster too – you thought I was trying to ask you out when I rang to see if you remembered Sarah Jane." Maria told him, with a half-smile and Clyde's eyes turned saucer-shaped.
"What?" He gasped, unable to believe he'd thought that – he'd known from a few weeks after meeting Maria that they were good friends, but she just didn't see him that way and neither did he for her.
"If you'd remembered, you'd have made some really lame joke about me panicking just because Sarah Jane wasn't in the vicinity." Clyde threw her a playful dark look at the slight on his humour, but what she said was true. "You'd always had an idea how I felt, no more than that, but you knew. But she doesn't see me like that – she sees me as a kid. A daughter, is what she said, the daughter she never had. She has no clue, none, about any of this – has no idea that I feel anything more than a daughter's platonic affection for her. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?" Maria nearly thumped the table she was sat at as she finished her monologue.
"Is that why you left? For America?" Clyde asked, unable to think of anything else to say.
"No. Or at least, that's not what I thought at the time. I moved to make my Dad happy. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've done, made more difficult by her saying that awful thing about being her daughter – I swear, my stomach dropped out when she said it. But it was supposed to get easier, leaving her behind, only it never did. I still miss her Clyde, and every phone call, every postcard, they're never long enough. As soon as I'm ready for Uni, I'm moving back and this time, I'm staying. I'll get a flat nearby, and help her. I can't stay out here, I'd go crazy trying not to think about her."
Clyde had no idea what to say this time. He wanted to apologise, for all the times he'd teased her about this, because he honestly had no idea that Maria's feelings were so intense. Although, oddly, it made sense. He had a feeling Luke knew, he'd always told him to shut up when he'd taken the mick, like he'd understood better than Clyde ever could and he was probably right, as usual. Maria really loved her. And he kind of understood.
"So, you're gonna wait three years, then come back?" Clyde asked, leaning forward, trying to make sense of everything.
"I'm going to try. You see, I love Dad too – I can't pick up and just leave him, especially as I can't explain why, and I can't stay with Mum so I would have nowhere to come back to, until then." Maria didn't look happy about it, though.
"You gonna be alright? It's a long time." Clyde said quietly, sympathy swelling inside him.
"What choice do I have? Anyway, I'll have the holidays, Sarah Jane's promised I can come back and visit during the next holidays, and Dad'll want me to go – he knows I miss you all. Just not why or how much. And you're all coming over here this summer, aren't you? She's coming then, too." Maria's face lit up with the prospect of just seeing the woman she loved and Clyde sighed.
"Yeah, we're coming. Wouldn't miss it for the world, right?" Maria grinned, then sighed as well. "I better go, before they get finished downstairs, unless you want to talk to her?" Clyde offered, and the grateful look in Maria's eyes told him his offer was received thankfully.
"It's ok, I spoke to her yesterday. And Luke promised to call me tomorrow. It might seem a bit weird if I wanted to talk to her again."
"Alright. See you soon, Maria."
"Look after them, Clyde." Clyde grinned in reply and held out his hands to the side of him.
"Of course I will!" Maria rolled her eyes, half-laughing before they both cut the video feed and Clyde slumped back in his chair. "Woah." He murmured to himself, before shoving back the chair and heading towards the attic door to check on the others. A light, tuneful humming reached his ears just as he opened the door up completely, from the small crack he'd left it open at, and Sarah Jane emerged from the stairs, holding a mug and smiling.
"Clyde, Luke's just watching something on TV, he said you recommended it?" Clyde plucked at his shirt and tried to look cool.
"Well, I better go check which one it is then." He didn't really want to face Sarah Jane after all that, afraid he'd let something slip, so he hurried past her and fled down the stairs, wondering whether to ask Luke about it and thinking how he could possibly have that conversation.
.~*~. .~*~. .~*~. .~*~.
Sarah Jane watched Clyde disappear down the top flight of stairs before letting the faint smile she'd been wearing drop from her face and began cringing slightly. She'd hummed. She never hummed. Did she honestly think humming would make her seem more at ease? Her expression ran from distressed to downright worried and she slipped into her attic, trying to find the calm her space usually was able to grant her. Something told her peace would be hard to find for the rest of today.
She'd just got to the attic door as Maria began to speak about her – how she saw her. She'd barely recognised that voice she knew so well, the vibrancy and vitality so different to Maria's usual excited tone. At first, she'd beamed because she thought Maria had finally found someone, and she was glad for her – she knew Maria deserved a special person to share her life with. Then Maria had mentioned the thing about being seen as a daughter, and suddenly Sarah Jane's blood had run cold.
She knew in that moment that the person Maria clearly adored was none other than herself – Sarah Jane Smith. And she'd struggled to breath for a minute. It couldn't be right, it just couldn't. It was so wrong. So twisted. So unbelievably immoral. How could Maria feel that way for her? She was three times her age! If not more than that. Yet, that didn't seem to bother Maria at all. Sarah Jane wondered whether her young companion had even thought about it.
Oh, it was so wrong. Sarah Jane blanched as the thought again repeated its circle around her mind. She'd known Maria might not necessarily have what most people would consider 'normal' relationships – her brotherly affection for Clyde told Sarah Jane that the young girl she cared for was perhaps not inclined towards males to make her happy. She also knew that whoever Maria fell for, it would have to be someone spectacular, sensible, headstrong and worthy because only that combination would provide any interest for a girl who had already seen so much. But Sarah Jane didn't think she fulfilled those needs, and besides – she'd always thought Maria saw her as a replacement mother – not a lover, in any sense of the word!
So wrong. So very wrong. Sarah Jane winced and slid down to curl up in the end of the couch, putting her head in her palm of her hand, trying to make sense of what she'd learnt. Logic – that's what she needed. Her emotions were in such disarray, they would provide nothing useful. Thinking clinically, Sarah Jane supposed it was just about possible – Maria had started looking for a replacement mother figure, that much Sarah Jane was sure of, because her mother had left, and she was hurt by that – possibly further than Alan or Chrissie had ever realised but Sarah Jane had suspected. The young girl had accepted that her relationship with her mother would never be what she wanted, would never be fulfilling or enough. And, conveniently enough, Sarah Jane had stepped into her life at just the right time.
Sarah Jane knew that the natural frostiness of her demeanour's facade might have been what intrigued Maria in the first place – because she was the complete opposite of Chrissie, in virtually every way. She'd suspected afterwards, that night when Maria first saw her with an alien, that someone had been there but she'd been too wrapped in the Star Poet to notice. Then afterwards, Mr Smith had confirmed it – someone had entered by the back gate, but he could not tell her who. She'd assumed whoever it was had run away and was busy telling themselves they'd been dreaming.
Then Maria had entered her world, had adapted to it so easily, that Sarah Jane felt her real personality, the warmth she'd hidden from human eyes for so long, rising to the surface – first with Luke, who needed someone to look after him, and then Maria, who also needed someone female to care about her. Maria had always been special to her, through all the problems and threats and invasion attempts that came afterwards – they'd been able to talk so easily, had understood each other without having to try.
Then, somewhere along the way, Maria had gotten confused – the life they led, the connection that can only grow with someone you share the experiences they did, their friendship that meant so much to both of them, all of that. Maria had begun to mistake that for a different kind of love, something altogether more dangerous. It wasn't her, it wasn't Sarah Jane she was in love with, it was the life, the experience – just like Sarah Jane had, once a long time ago...
But, a nasty little tempting voice in the back of her mind began, that wasn't what she said, was it? It was you she talked about in that tone you didn't recognise – you she'd studied, admired, clearly longed for. She wanted to be with you, for the rest of her life, it's you she's coming home for in three years – that was a little harder to dismiss as mistaken admiration. And you know you were in love with the Doctor, much as you try to dismiss it in the same way, as a mistake – maybe Maria is just as sure. Perhaps you're wrong this time, Sarah Jane, perhaps Maria really does care for you in the way she says, for you and not the life you lead.
Shaking her head, Sarah Jane felt her expression twist, trying to ignore the pull of that voice. She wasn't wrong. She couldn't be wrong. And she would have to be so much more careful around Maria now. She'd gotten very easy around all of her kids, hugging them, keeping them close, that she'd never given that proximity a second thought – now she would have to second guess every movement she made, every hug and she now understood why Maria had kept her feelings such a carefully guarded secret – it made things so much more difficult.
Determinedly, Sarah Jane rose and paced around her attic. If that was how it had to be, then so be it. Maria would get over this infatuation in time, perhaps her being in America was the best thing for all of them – something Sarah Jane had never thought she would think. The girl would recover, move on, find someone worthy of her attention and care and while that would no doubt mean her moving on from her ties in England, Sarah Jane was determined to see it as a good thing.
Time would solve this problem, for Maria anyway.