First of all; I must warn you here; there is A LOT of Captain Falcon bashing. I do think he is kind of cool, but he makes for a VERY funny protagonist! So if you are a Captain Falcon fan; I advise you turn away; because by the end, I can assure you, you will be fuming! (Rated T for language, sexual references, suggestive themes, fighting, ect…) If you still want to read this one shot…then so be it! Enjoy! :D
Captain Falcon suffered a defeat. He had trained for hours per day, but beating Lucario seemed…near impossible. Lucario bashed him into everything, threw him down so many holes, he was covered in dirt. After a hard fight, Lucario got the upper hand.
"Damn that ability of his!" Captain Falcon said. He was referring to Lucario's infamous ability to get more powerful as he takes damage. Captain Falcon is better suited to quick, blitz-like strategies. And Captain Falcon knew that would come in handy, since the best way to beat Lucario is to beat him quickly. But the last thing one wants to do is to let a match drag on. Unfortunately, that's what Captain Falcon did.
So now, he was at the local bar, draining his woes away in booze. It was his 26th bottle. This time liquor. Captain Falcon, because of his massive muscle weight, wasn't even buzzed. He was just fine. "Keep them coming!" Captain Falcon yelled. The bartender, who was none other than Luigi, said "Don't you a think you a had enough?" Captain Falcon didn't like being told he had enough. Captain Falcon grabbed Luigi, quietly, by the collar, and stared into Luigi's fearful eyes.
"I'll tell you when I've had enough!" Captain Falcon said. He let Luigi go. Luigi ran over, and got a bottle. Luigi then handed it to an eager Captain Falcon, who drank it. Suddenly, Captain Falcon lost it. He was somehow, someway, totally drunk. He FALCON PUNCHED everything in sight (fortunately, Luigi too). He did that to the tables, the chairs, everything. Suddenly, the guest for the day, Smash Planet's strongest man, approached Captain Falcon. Smash Planet's strongest man could lift over 47 thousand pounds. He had so many muscles, they say he once punched out a planet. So this man walks up to Captain Falcon.
"Whoa buddy" he said. "Don't you think you had enough?" Captain Falcon's stare turned into an icy gaze. He slapped this Smash Planet's strongest man, and punched him. He FALCON PUNCHED him afterwards, sending this man into the juke box, somewhat unconscious. Acting like nothing happened, he approached a woman he had his lustful eye on for a long time; Samus, who was without her power suit, and was talking to Peach and Zelda.
"Hey baby" Captain Falcon said, his bad breath like a truck. Samus waved her hand across her face.
"Ugh. Get out of here creep" Samus retorted. She laughed, and continued to talk with her friends. Then, Captain Falcon did something one should NEVER do. He placed his hands on Samus's shoulders, and then attempted to do something worse, and turned her around. Samus grabbed Falcon's arm, twisted it, and kicked him in the back of the leg. Then, like an expert, she twirled him around, flipped him, and did every painful thing you can imagine someone like Samus would do. Then, she went back to her conversation.
Captain Falcon got up in no time. Ignoring the beating he just got, he stumbled to Zelda. "Hey baby" Captain Falcon said again. "I know Link is your husband, but how would you like a real man!" Little did he know; Luigi installed cameras all around the bar (though this was for the next time Bowser invaded). Zelda used her magic, and with a small touch, she knocked him into the door. Captain Falcon was so relentless, he tried the same on Peach.
"Hey Peach" he said, now slurring his speech. "You're dating a plumber. But he's shaped like a grapefruit. How would you like a pear?" Peach was immediately disturbed by this; so she pulled out the first thing she could in her pocket; a golf club. She swung it, knocking Captain Falcon into the door.
Captain Falcon sensed then that he wasn't getting anywhere, so he cried and left for smash mansion.
It was morning. Captain Falcon slowly awoke with a terrible headache. "Never…gonna get drunk again" Captain Falcon said. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open when he saw who he saw. Luigi had a tape recorder, and a large bruise, and a flat nose. Mario was beside him, hands flaming. Link, upon seeing Captain Falcon awake, drew his sword. Meta Knight was the maddest of all of them. He drew his sword, readied his cape, and his eyes glowed red.
"My buddies. Ouch, what's up?" Captain Falcon asked. He didn't know what he did yesterday, otherwise he would have realized he was in for it.
"Mama mia Craptain Failcon!" Mario said, his voice not his happy high pitched one, but a low, menacing one that would make Bowser wet his pants. "You a hurt a my brother…you insult a my Peach, and a me! You have a the nerve to ask a that?" Captain Falcon didn't remember. Then Link stepped forward a bit.
"Idiot" Link said. "Zelda was petrified from what you did! I'll slice you in half!" With that, Link swung his Master sword once, just barely nicking Captain Falcon. Meta Knight flew up, and placed his sword on Captain Falcon's chest.
"How dare you" Meta Knight said. His voice was like it is when he's angry; raspy instead of soft and soothing. "How dare you treat a lady like that? You can't walk up to one and act so…barbaric. And on Samus! I applaud her self control, but you won't get any from me!" Mario shook, and he is actually the least calm of all of them. He was the only one to act out of rage. He jumped with his flaming fist. It landed on the chin of Captain Falcon. Mario attacked with a flurry of punches. Captain Falcon couldn't defend himself. The two swordsmen didn't attack. Suddenly, what looked like a police officer came into the room, and stopped the fight.
"Are you Captain Douglass J Falcon?" He said. A bruised, battered Captain Falcon nodded. The officer placed cuffs on him. "You are under arrest" he said. "For assault, battery, sexual harassment, and indecent exposure." The officer was about to lead him out of the room. However, Snake crossed by. Snake took one look at the officer and the other officer who just joined the first one. Snake took off.
"El Malingo!" They cried out. They drew their guns, and ran after Snake. They also let Captain Falcon go. As Captain Falcon was about to leave, Link stopped him.
"Oh no you don't!" Link said. "Someone want's a word with you!" Link pointed to a large man with huge muscles, flexing and punching in the air, like a boxer ready for his victim. "Captain Falcon...I'm sure you've met Smash Planet's strongest man!"
Read (if you're here, then you've already read) and review! :D