Part 6 of the Starting Over series
Notes: After getting his heart broken, Shinichi had to get back on the right track. I mean, it wouldn't do for him to be all sad and lonely and stricken for having been dumped by Ran and then, out of nowhere, being kissing Kaito, would it?
Well. Of course, there are a lot more of complications that just one talk, but… Sometimes, one talk is the first thing to do. And this time, the right talk was the first freeing opportunity Shinichi had ever been faced with, because — let's face it: he was raised seeing Ran as his future wife, no other option, and then he was turned into a child, and she became his big sister, and then he came back and he was still supposed to be with her, because they were supposed to marry. And. What? Yeah. That's not it. He was Ran's little sister for too long, and the "marry" thing was always so… forced, in the show, I think they didn't even have time to really work it out between them. They love each other, that's pretty obvious, but there are more ways to love than just romantic "I'll marry you" love. They love each other very deeply; they're just not… in love anymore. And that's it. That realization right there, that's an option Shinichi never had before. Therefore: freedom, for the first time.
Very well, for the timeline. This one comes right after "We need to talk", so: around five months after Starting over. I said I would write about Kaito soothing Shinichi's broken heart — I did it. Kinda. Like, one year later. And it's not exactly the "soothing"-thing anymore, but… well, I'm not that good at romance, anyway, so. Yeah. Kaito and Shinichi talk after Ran dumps Shinichi.
Tags: Part of a series; heartbreak; realizations; light angst; freedom of choice.
Disclaimer: Detective Conan, Magic Kaito and the characters do not belong to me; they are all owned by Aoyama Gosho, and the only thing I've touched is this story.
Summary: After breaking up with Ran (without ever even dating her to begin with), Shinichi comes home to the not-so-startling presence of Kaito. And while he doesn't really want to talk, somehow, that's exactly what he needs.
Getting home was hard. Getting away from the door was even harder. Before the struggle could continue for too long, however, lean arms wrapped around his shoulders.
"You're okay, Shinichi," murmured the calm and ever so controlled voice of Kaito by his ear; and it spoke of the months of familiarity, but he simply didn't struggle against it, right then. Instead, he let himself be supported by Kaito and did not deny or agree with his assessment. "It's gonna pass."
The way to the worn couch on the library seemed longer than ever, but the warmth by his side never wavered. The whole way, Kaito kept murmuring soft, nonsensical things on his hair, a strong, reassuring presence on his side. Kaito said nothing of the wetness on his shirt, and Shinichi didn't mention the tears still on his face.
They sat, side by side, on the couch, and Shinichi simply let Kaito hold him. Normally, he would be horrified to be seen this weak… but this was Kaito — Kaito, who moonlighted as KID, who had seen him as a child, who had respected him even as the tiniest, more annoying "critic" he had. Kaito, who had been by his side those first weeks after he took the antidote, cracking jokes and pulling tricks, simply to keep him entertained. Kaito, who sometimes would hum him to sleep, or who would cover him whenever he thought Shinichi was already unconscious.
This Kaito, this Kaito he had come to known after their alliance, the Kaito he had come to known after their friendship — this Kaito was allowed to see him at his most fragile, because he had already seen him at his worst.
When his tears stilled and he felt he could finally make some sense of his jumbled thoughts, Shinichi finally rose himself from his position at Kaito's shoulders. The hand petting his hair stilled and retreated, but the warmth remained curled on his body. Warmth; Shinichi was pretty sure Kaito had figured it out already, his newfound need to search for warmth around, because his body never recovered itself all the way back. Because the poison was gone, but the antidote took its own kind of toll.
"Thanks," he offered without looking at Kaito's eyes.
"For what?" was Kaito's response. For a minute, Shinichi wondered if Kaito really didn't understand or if he was simply diverting the attention.
After the minute was over, he simply decided to give up. This was Kaito. KID. The boy— man who didn't see support as anything more than natural, and the one who lied with a clear face. Instead, he settled for a glare and a huff.
"Yeah, that." He gestured around them. "You know. Helping me."
Kaito stared at him for a moment, and Shinichi held his gaze without blinking. After something Shinichi didn't quite get, Kaito shrugged and smiled softly. "Think nothing of it, Shin-chan. I was just waiting around for you and saw you were down. Nothing you wouldn't do for me."
Except for the waiting around part. Shinichi smiled back, wryly, and shook his head. "Sure. Thanks, anyway. You were great."
He relaxed back to the couch, and smiled a little softer when Kaito hummed happily and leaned against him. "Yeah, yeah. Quit with the thanking, will you." He chuckled, popping a coin into appearance already spinning around his fingers — Shinichi followed the movements curiously for a few seconds, admiring Kaito's skills with hands, while he himself had always been more of a foot-person. "Do you want to talk about it?" he offered quietly, and Shinichi looked up at Kaito's open, soft face that stared back at him.
And, staring at Kaito, he realized he didn't know. He… wanted to talk. But he didn't want to talk, either. He wasn't sure about what he was feeling about Ran's rejection, and he wasn't sure he even understood what Ran had been telling him, yet… But he wanted to tell something to Kaito.
Something about it. "Ran broke it up," he blurted up, embarrassed. "I mean, we weren't together, but she cut off our options, now. She said we weren't cut to be an item. And I… I don't even know. I'm not sure I know what I'm feeling. I mean… I loved her for so long… and I always thought I would marry her, in the end…," he admitted, staring at his own clenched hands and taking a deep breath. "I don't know what to do, now."
For one long, dangerous, terrifying moment, Shinichi thought Kaito would abandon him. He thought Kaito had reached his limits. He thought Kaito would just get up, say his goodbyes and disappear forever.
He did not.
"Do you still love her?" He asked instead, voice even softer than Shinichi thought possible, and that strange, unusual fact was what made Shinichi stop.
Stop and think.
"Don't know." He murmured frowning. "She's Ran. She's my childhood friend, my big sister, my possible girlfriend — or, don't know, my possible ex-girlfriend… I just. I… She's Ran. She's mine. You know. She was always there for me. I don't know what to do now. She asked for distance, and I…"
As he looked, one of Kaito's hands covered his owns, and he startled slightly. Callused, strong fingers curled around his hands and forced him to open his palm, and Shinichi let him. Let Kaito do what he wanted, because he believed in him. Believed Kaito would do the best for him.
"That's not what I'm asking, Shinichi." Denied Kaito tracing a familiar caricature in his hand, the monocle falling under the shadow of his hat. "Let me rephrase it: are you still in love with her?"
Shinichi shrugged, but his mind whirled around quickly. Yes, he felt warm around Ran. She made him smile, and she was family, and she was Ran. She was the first thing he ever knew besides his parents, and she was the only one who had always been by his side. She was his light, his reason to persist while stuck as a child, and his reason to fight. But she was… She was comfort. She was familiar, and peace, and softness, but she had no thrill, or thrumming heart, or singing blood. She held no desire over him, and while he was happy around her, he never felt…
"I don't think I am," he murmured quietly, analyzing the evidences. She never made him feel in need. He was never… never chasing after her anymore, was he?
He smiled slowly, understanding filled with quiet patience under his still current of pain.
"I'm not in love with Ran." He said louder, admitting it for himself for the first time. Admitting it for Kaito.
The hand around his own clutched his own tighter, and he returned the gesture, happy.
He wasn't in love with Mouri Ran. He wasn't in love with the only person he had ever thought he would marry.
He was…
Free.