CW: Alcohol abuse, past child abuse, rape mention

/August 2017/
Katy and Shawn were sitting on the couch watching stranger things. It was late and they were worried about Maya. Shawn felt panic rising in his stomach, he was generally running on high levels of anxiety and stress lately. Well if he was being perfectly honest anxiety was kind of always an undercurrent in his whole life. Maturing had just replaced anger and self-destruction with panic attacks, which he supposed were better.
Katy was also anxious she knew her daughter was very good at getting into trouble and was slightly worried she would come home in the arm of a police officer.
They both jumped when Maya crashed into the house.
Both Katy and Shawn felt their stomachs drop. Maya was drunk. Katy rolled her eyes she knew this had to happen and at least she was home, and laughing not crying which was a good sign. She was also angry though she, of course, hoped Maya would be one of those kids who drank responsibly and didn't stay out all night.
Shawn was having a distinctly worse reaction. Panic was sitting in his chest. Memories of his stupid behaviour battered his mind accompanied by the image of his father passed out in his chair as Shawn cleaned shit up. He ran his hand through his hair looking at the floor.
"Maya Penelope Hunter, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Umm coming home?" Maya said
"Where have you been!" Katy asked
"A party," Maya explained.
"Where you thought it was a good idea to get drunk?"
"Well, that wasn't what I set out to do. But alcohol is fun." Maya shrugged.
"Maya you can't do this you have to think before you act!"
"It's fine. Everyone got home safe. Riley is fine, Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, Zay all fine." Maya said as if that fixed everything.
"I am glad you didn't get hurt but you are 15 years old. This is illegal."
"So! I'm fine everything is fine. Are you telling me you never drank in high school." Maya was now angry
"That's beside the point. Shawn back me up!" Katy shouted.
Shawn just stared blankly at Katy and Maya. The words they were saying not totally processing in his head. He was just too full of his past and fear.
"Shawn!" Katy shouted.
"i...I don't know" Shawn spluttered and stood up and walked to their room. Where he closed the door and then had a panic attack.
Back in the living room. Maya and Katy looked at where Shawn had been, then returned to arguing.
"Maya! You are grounded for a month."
"Oh, now you want to play mom! I have done dumber stuff and not gotten grounded."
"Don't you throw the past in my face we have been doing so much better. And I am your mother so you will do what I say."
"Fine fuck whatever," Maya said and went to her room. She slammed the door and sat on the bed seething until she fell asleep.
Katy sat on the couch. Screamed into the cushion and then fell asleep herself.

Three weeks later Katy was sitting in the kitchen. She was fiddling with a bracelet Shawn had given her. She was angry at herself for the thoughts she was having. Shawn and she had not been doing well lately. He was never in bed when she woke up in the night, they hadn't had sex in forever, he was always exhausted, on edge, and he seemed to be avoiding her. He was super attentive to Maya still, and he was kind to Katy but there was a wall or something
Of course, the plainest reason would be he was cheating on her. When she asked him where he was the answers were either work or with Cory. She had been suspicious but it was true Shawn was with Cory. She knew it because Topanga complained about Cory always being busy with Shawn. Which left the option he was cheating on her with Cory. Which really wasn't a crazy thought. Since Shawn had been in new york almost full time he and Cory had gotten closer which was apparently how they were for the most time they knew each other.
Katy also knew she and Shawn had jumped into their marriage fast they had only gone on a few dates and the longest they had spent together before he proposed was four days.
Katy was mad at herself for assuming Shawn was cheating but it was the only thing that made sense. Plus she knew he was bi, he told her that when they first went out and had Cory not been married to Topanga, Katy would have assumed he was gay.
She had asked Shawn to come home for lunch and he'd said yes so she was there waiting.
Shawn then came inside. He was nervous he didn't know what Katy wanted but it probably wasn't good.
He sat across from her, they met eyes in silence the nervous expression mirrored.
"Shawn!" She shouted
"Yes?" Shawn jumped.
"Are you cheating on me?" She rushed the anxiety in her voice loud.
Shawn felt like he had been kicked in the gut. Why would she assume that? He had been a terrible boyfriend in the past, but he wasn't a cheater. "No. Why would you think that?"
"You avoid me, you're never around And you don't have sex with me anymore, and you're always tired and leave our bed."
Shawn groaned. Yeah, that was pretty good evidence.
"And I know you and cory are special and well..."
"Cory and I have never had sex," Shawn said. The words "even when I wanted to" drifted through his brain but he had the good sense not to say that.
"Then what are you doing?"
Shawn had no idea how to explain. He actually hung out with him to sleep, and unwind. The only time he could sleep was when he was at the Matthews generally with Cory there. Cory knew him better than anyone else. The whole thing with Maya had broken the emotional lockdown he had been on since he and Katy had gotten married. Everything ran like floodgates. His anxiety was terrible, he had flashbacks again which were fucking exhausting, he almost never slept and when he did he had nightmares. Being confronted with alcohol like that had just been not good. He had also finally confessed to Cory that after he had left new york when Riley was born. He had been in an awful place spent years at the bottom of a bottle.
/October 2002/
Shawn was wandering around Philly. He was drunk which wasn't unusual. Life had just spiralled so Fast. He left new york not even a year ago. He had known he would have to leave when Topanga got pregnant. It had been a 'happy' accident. Fuck he hated himself so much, of course, it was happy. But he knew Cory and Topanga wouldn't need him, let alone really want him ever again. They were being exactly who Cory was meant to be. Mr all American, Teacher, 2.5 kids the whole deal. And Shawn wasn't any of that.
He left and worked in an auto shop in bum fuck nowhere for most of the time. One drink during an awful week turned into being known by name in both the bar and Liquor store.
Right now though He really didn't know where to go, but he knew his brother was there and he really needed a place to sleep. He had like no money, which wasn't odd, but it made finding a place to sleep hard. He sighed and pulled out his cell phone.
"Shawn?" Jack's voice said.
"I'm in Philly. Can I stay at your place tonight?"
"Sure. I'll text you the address."
Shawn knew he was living there with his girlfriend, Eleanor or something like that. Shawn hadn't seen Jack in person since he left for the peace corps, but they had talked on the phone some since he had gotten back. Shawn was pretty secretive about his life. Which was easy considering there wasn't really much of one. But Jack had lots to say. He was working at a Philly branch of the company his dad worked for. Girlfriend, house, fancy job, fancy car, loving parents it was so perfect it gave Shawn a migraine.
Shawn hit the knocker and he was greeted with His brother smiling face which quickly fell.
Jack felt sick. Shawn looked like hell and was literally swaying he was so drunk.
"Come in," Jack said, his voice low.
Shawn came in. Hating the disappointed look on his brothers face. Shawn hit the couch the moment he reached it.
"Shawn, what are you doing here?" Jack snapped.
"I need somewhere to sleep."
"What are you doing in Phili?"
"Why don't you ask what you actually want to know?"
"Fine, Why are you drunk off your ass!" Jack yelled.
"There we go!"
"Shawn." Jack groaned.
"I don't really know man, I have been for a while now."
"Didn't we go through this like years ago?"
"Yeah because my life has been on an upward path since then."
"Shawn."
"Look can I just sleep?" Shawn said.
Jack tried to think of something to say.
Shawn's brain was swimming and exhausted so his eyes were already closing.
Jack looked down at his little brother. He sighed, Shawn knew better than to drink, but looking down at his brother he couldn't bring himself to be angry anymore, he just felt pity and worry.
/2017/
Shawn looked at Katy. He didn't want her to know about that. and he certainly didn't want to talk about Chet. The whole time they went out he had given only the most whitewashed version of his parents. It wasn't worth it, he didn't need her to know that and he definitely didn't want Maya to know any of it. She actually thought he was worth something he didn't want to lose that.
"I go to cory to calm down," Shawn said a version of the truth was best. "My anxiety has been really bad, and he helps me deal."
"Shawn you can talk to me. I'm not going to judge you for anxiety. I get where you're coming from. You forget I know what it's like to get left, and not have money. I know it's different a husband and parents, but I get it, I understand"
Shawn resisted a laugh. She really didn't but that was his fault for not being honest.
"Talk to me, Shawn. I deserve that." Katy said taking his hand.
"When Maya came home drunk. It freaked me out. I don't have a very good history with alcohol."
"Does anyone?"
"Mine is extra shitty. I had a problem with drinking too much for a while, it got pretty bad. Like going to AA bad" Shawn explained.
"Oh," Katy said.
Shawn wants to scream. The disappointment in her eyes was something he never wanted to see.
"I've been good for a really long time." Shawn said desperately, "The wine on our first date, and the champagne on our honeymoon are the only drinks I've had in years."
"Shawn, you didn't think I deserved to know this before we got married?" Katy said standing up.
"Katy i... want you and Maya to like me," Shawn explained, not really knowing how to say it in a way that didn't sound pathetic.
"I just think I should know before I marry an addict," she said angrily and stormed from the house.
Leaving Shawn to stare at the door. He had no idea what happens next. He had worked so hard to try and not be his father, not be his mother. Be someone they could depend on. But he'd just fucked it up like he did everything.

Katy got to Topanga's. She hadn't known where she was going and just ended up here. To her relief, Topanga was sitting filling out some papers at the table.
She walked in and sat across from her.
"Katy your shift doesn't start for over an hour," Topanga commented.
"I know. I just couldn't be at the apartment." Katy sighed
"Why?"
"Shawn and I are, well im fighting I'm not sure what he's doing," Katy said.
"Okay, explain," Topanga said closing her binder and placing it in her bag.
"Well Shawn never really fights, he's allergic to conflict or something."
"Shawn?" Topanga laughed.
"Why he hasn't always been like that?"
"No he and Cory fought at our wedding," Topanga deadpanned.
"He ruined your wedding?"
"Well not ruined just well made it special." Topanga didn't care, it had been the three of them for years and change was hard. At this point, it was a bit of a funny memory.
Katy sighed, she didn't really know him, did she?
"Okay, why were you fighting not fighting."
"Well, I thought he was cheating on me."
"Oh. With who?"
"Cory," Katy said uncomfortably.
"Yeah, I see that," Topanga said.
Katy was very glad Topanga hadn't been mad about that.
"Turns out he was hiding things from me though."
"what? He's very good at that."
"His problems with alcohol."
"Ah," Topanga said. Leaning back. Oh Shawn why would you lie about that? Well, she knew why. He was paranoid about being left, and being an alcoholic was a great way to get left. He hadn't even told Cory how bad it had gotten till this year.
"He isn't drinking or anything. It's just how could he not tell me?"
"What was his excuse," Topanga asked. She was angry, Shawn was going to fuck this up and he really needed to not do that. Maya and Katy deserved better.
"He wanted us, me and Maya, to like him," Katy said scoffing.
"What are you going to do? Want me to go knock some sense into him?"
"Yeah actually, I don't want to do it. I'll melt, give in, he needs someone to get him to think."
Topanga nodded.

Topanga opened the door to Katy's apartment. Shawn was sitting at the table his head on the table.
"Shawn Hunter!" Topanga yelled.
"You here to yell at me?" Shawn mumbled.
"Yes."
"Go ahead."
"What do you think you're doing! Lying to her? Making her think your cheating on her? Are you trying to ruin your best chance at being happy?"
"No, I'm not trying to ruin anything. I didn't tell her all that shit because I wanted it to work." Shawn said standing up retreating instinctively.
"Telling the truth is how you make things work dumbass."
"How do I tell her all that stuff. Like she knows I'm damaged from being left but does she really need to know the rest of it? She doesn't need to know. I don't want her to think I'm not good enough."
Topanga sighed. Remembering things she had not thought of for a long time.
/January 2001/
Topanga, Cory and Shawn were laying on the ground of their apartment finding patterns in the stains and cracks in the ceiling of their shit apartment.
Topanga kept glancing at Shawn. She had been taking a psychology class at college. They had just finished a unit on child abuse victims. She had known for a long time that Chet and Verna Hunter were shit parents, and his birth mom was not any better. But when reading through she had just seen so much of Shawn. She was worried worse things might have gone on. It just made her skin crawl thinking of something really bad happening to Shawn. He was family.
"Shawn, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah," Shawn said sitting up.
"Did anything, besides being left, ever happen with your dad?"
"What do you mean?" Shawn asked tensing.
"I mean, well, I was in class and we did a unit about child abuse." she stumbled.
Shawn stood up and placed his hands on his hips staring at the floor.
"Shawn I know you don't like to talk...but you can tell us." Topanga murmured
"I mean he was a jerk a lot of the time. Yelled a lot, I mean he just seems like a bumbling idiot but he could get really mean." Shawn said. Not really sure why he was telling them this, he never had in the over a decade he'd known them.
Cory took his hand.
"But like I deserved it most of the time, I was stupid ya know. It was just hard when he fought with Verna, I like loud music loud fighting is less fun."
Topanga felt bad, Shawn could be an idiot but she didn't like the implications of his words.
" I mean having things thrown at your head kinda sucks, and people think of the most interesting insults when their drunk," Shawn said, the edge in his voice rising, the words came out before he really had thought them through. "It's just not good when your own father calls you stupid, and crazy, and then doesn't even remember the next day. And I mean when Verna was there he mostly took it out on her, but she wasn't there very often. He hit me a few times but it..." Shawn stopped he was breathing heavily as he faces screwed in an expression that looked like he was about to scream but also vomit.
Cory pulled him into a hug, letting Shawn dig his face into his shoulder.
Cory didn't know what to say. What do you do with that information?
Topanga stood up, She was right Chet had abused Shawn. She was usually very proud of being right, but in this case being wrong would have been much better. Part of her felt bad for how she had treated him sometimes, it wasn't like she knew. She supposed she just assumed it wasn't bad like this, they just didn't get along she just had never even thought.
She glanced at Cory over Shawn's back.
He looked so hurt. Topanga did wonder a bit how Cory had never known this, but Cory had a habit of being oblivious sometimes by choice.
Shawn pulled away.
"I don't know why I said all that. I mean it's not like it matters he's dead. And like I said it was my fault. I wasn't good ya know?" Shawn said.
Topanga sighed, he didn't deserve that, how did he think he deserved it.
"Shawn, you are good enough. I think your good enough, Topanga does, my parents, Eric, Jack, Feeny." Cory said placing his hands on Shawn's shoulders.
"Yeah," Shawn said,
They stood in a small circle Cory's hand drifting down to hold Shawn's hand.
"Chinese food?" Shawn said after he caught his breath.
"Anything you want," Topanga replied.
/2017/
"Shawn I know you don't like to talk about stuff. But she should really know."
"You used your freaky brain to figure shit out, I didn't tell you."
Both of them dancing around the words. The word abuse wasn't one people like to use or hear. Shawn never used it out loud. Shawn also another secret he had not told anyone besides that therapist and Jack. It was just not something he knew how to say to people. But at that moment it all came flooding back. It had been a long time ago, that whole centre thing. The man who ran it was more of a creep than anyone knew. Rape he supposed would be the word for what happened. But how the fuck do you tell people that, the answer was you don't in Shawn's case. He had hidden it deep down for years. But losing Cory, his tie to reality had been bad. It had made it flood back. It had just been so fucked and he had just fallen apart.
He didn't want Katy seeing him like that. Panicked, scared, broken, messed up. That wasn't who he wanted her to see him as. And the thought of Maya ever knowing him like that. The scared kid, the fucked teenager, the man stumbling in and out of bars. He wasn't that any more. Well, at least he didn't want to be.
"Shawn. You don't have to be ashamed. It wasn't your fault." Topanga said.
"You don't believe that. You know I was a terrible boyfriend, I pushed Angela away, I was the one who chose to drink like that."
"You've done dumb things. But your not a bad person. Maya worships you, Shawn, don't let her down."
"That's what I've been trying to do. I don't fight with Katy, I mean I did today, but I don't. I don't yell or anything. I'm trying so hard to not be him." Shawn said.
Then Shawn collapsed into a panic attack.
Topanga looked at him. He had seen Shawn break down before, but this was still hard. She was mad at him for what he was doing to Katy, but watching her friend be so scared was still sad, she still loved him.
"I'm going to tell Katy to come back," Topanga said softly when Shawn seemed to have child somewhat. "I'm going to tell her to give you another chance. But you have to do better. You have to make sure you're good enough for her."
Shawn nodded.
Topanga left. She stood on the other side of the door. She let out a shuddered sigh, everyone pretend the worst things in their lives didn't exist, but maybe sometimes they shouldn't.

Katy was working. She had figured she could let the other girl go home early she had to do something why she waited.
Topanga came to her.
"Are you okay?" Topanga asked.
" I don't know." Katy sighed.
"Give him a second chance," Topanga said.
"Being an alcoholic is a pretty big thing to hide," Katy said.
"Yes, and I told him off. But Shawn is a good guy. He didn't want to hurt you."
"You're a little biased you know."
"Yes. But I'm the only judge of character you got. Cory is even more biased."
Katy let out a short laugh.
"I know. I wasn't going to kick him out. He has never been anything but good to Maya. And me."
"He is trying, he has never really done this having a functional relationship before."
"What about Angela?"
"That wasn't anything close to functional. They loved each other but.."
"I get it."
"I'm not saying don't be happy for his sake. But he really is a good man."

Katy got home to see Maya explaining some complicated social thing to Shawn. A so and so broke up with so and so type story.
"Hey."
"Mom! There is an art show next week. Can I be ungrounded that night?" Maya said flashing her a big smile.
"Yes. Your almost ungrounded anyway."
"Ha told you she'd say yes." Maya teased Shawn.
"Hey, I just said you had to ask her," Shawn said mock defensive
Maya rolled her eyes.
As they ate dinner Maya could feel the tension. It had been there since the whole party incident. But it was really bad that night. Shawn and her mom wouldn't even make eye contact. Something was wrong. She felt a sense of dread.
"What's wrong with you two?" Maya asked hiding her fear in anger.
"What do you mean?" Katy said putting on her everything will be fine even when it won't smile.
"You know what I mean. You've been off for a while and it's bad tonight." Maya said," you said it would be okay that's what you guys said. You said you wouldn't leave."
Shawn looked at Katy as if asking if he was leaving.
"No one is leaving," Katy said.
Shawn turned to Maya. " I have no intentions of going anywhere. I never want to hurt you."
Maya nodded. "Something is still wrong."
"We had a fight earlier. But it is going to work out." Katy said.
"Fights don't end well," Maya said.
"Adult relationships are supposed to weather fights," Shawn explained.
Maya nodded thoroughly unconvinced,"I've got homework." She said and left.
Shawn looked at Katy.
"We'll talk when Maya isn't here. I understand you don't want her to know whatever it is you haven't told us."
Shawn nodded, grateful.

A week after Shawn was sitting on the ouch bouncing his leg up and down. Maya was no longer grounded and was out with Riley as she had been waiting to do. Both girls had been grounded so they were stressed without each other. A feeling Shawn was familiar with. He was going to tell Katy about his anxiety junk and his father. It should be enough info that she would feel read into everything.
The door unlocked and Shawn breathed deeply. Katy placed her bag down and walked over to Shawn.
"You wanted to talk?" Katy said
"Well, actually you want to talk. But yes.."
"what ?"
"Ahh, I umm. The reason I've been avoiding being home, I've been having lots of panic attacks, and flashbacks and I don't want you to see me like that."
"Shawn that's stupid," Katy said.
"Sure. but the other reason I kind of fell apart after the party thing, was my dad was also an alcoholic, something I got from him."
"Oh," Katy said.
"And he was, not always a good father. When he was home or not."
"What happened."
"Yelling, fighting, insults, throwing things, he hit me a few times. I don't know bad stuff." Shawn strained.
Katy breathed deeply. That kind of not good.
"You should have told me this Shawn."
"Would you have married me?" Shawn asked meeting Katy's gaze for the first time in the conversation.
"I don't know, but I'm mad at you for not telling me. I'm not going to mad at you for having a terrible father. I'm not an asshole."
Shawn sighed. It was nice she wasn't mad at him for being whatever it was he was. But her face was frustration and pitty. Shawn didn't like pitty. Anger was better he understood anger.
"Shawn you have to be honest with me. I'll work with you." Katy said
"You shouldn't have to," Shawn said.
"Yes, Shawn. If you're honest with me, if you work with me. Love goes two ways and only works if everyone is on the same page. Love is work but it's good work."
"How would you know?" Shawn said, knowing it was a dick thing to say. But considering her only long-term relationship had gone down in flames it felt like a fair thing to say.
"My parents did, my mom still tells me that stuff, I believe her we were never Norman Rockwell but we were happy. I want that for Maya."
"I do too," Shawn said taking Katy's hand.
"So talk to me. And on your end, you need to be a co-parent."
"What does that mean?"
"It isn't exactly fair that you always end up to the good guy in Maya's eyes."
"What?"
"You never I don't know do the bad cop stuff."
"Oh."
"And you don't have to always agree with me on things. If we don't talk we will drift farther apart. I don't want to lose you, Shawn."
Shawn nodded his head. Shawn would work harder, but how was he supposed to deal with everything? He had gotten very good at the pretend shit is fine skill, and now she knew it wasn't fine.