So I think this mainly sprung from the usual silly chat logs (thanks, Babblr! Sometimes!) with Fass, Mel, Jennifer, Rin, Sarah, etc., this time concerning whether or not Padawan Obi-Wan (Obawan) would be prey for Xanatos de Crion (officially played by Benedict Cumberbatch, kthx; Asa Butterfield from the upcoming Enders' Game film is now Obawan 5eva, too) if he drank milk because, as American Dad has so helpfully explained, someone like Obi-Wan might give off a pleasant boy-scent if he doesn't get enough sleep, and you know, Obawan is a sensitive young man whose sleep is often interrupted by anxiety over whether he's going to wake up to Qui-Gon having dropped him, bed and all, off onto wherever the Agricorps is, never to be heard from again. Also, he really likes milk! But also, this story is sort of a light ribbing homage to all of the Xanatos/Obi-Wan kidnapping stories on the Jedi Apprentice section on ff-dot-net, and all the hilarious tropes therein, because um, there are a lot of them, yo.
Summary: On the beautiful planet of Hawai'i, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon must foil yet another (vaguely) disastrous plot of Xanatos' before it's too late (whatever that means). Rinse and repeat, as needed. Features a leering Xanatos, virgin sacrifice Obi-Wan, and shit-faced Qui-Gon, among other things. Title comes from Abba's "Happy Hawaii," because why not. Implied Xanatos/Obi-Wan with aggressive, played-for-laughs-but-still-probably-kind-of-distu rbing Xanatos, and Obi-Wan is about 15 here, so, yeah, enter at your own risk (through the rear ... kidding. Maybe). Parody/satire.
I've Got a Feeling This Dream Will Come True (Somebody's Waiting and I'll Forget You)
The beach planet of Hawai'i was a beautiful place, full of lush sands and tropical drinks that the locals seemed to prefer to serve tourists inside of coconuts, but for Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his teenaged Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, this visit was no pleasure trip.
Except that it kind of was, because, "in the spirit of not offending the native Hawai'ians," Qui-Gon had acquiesced quickly - too quickly, Obi-Wan had thought sourly - to not only wearing a lei and a 'traditional' Hawai'ian shirt, rather than his usual Jedi garb, but also to sucking down not just one, but, well ... "Isn't that your fifth one, Master?" Obi-Wan asked at present, watching with concern as Qui-Gon seemed to have an increasing amount of trouble closing and opening his eyes this time.
"Mind your business, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon could apparently still proffer reprimands even in his somewhat inebriated state; and yet, the effect was marred by the soft burp that accompanied the end of his latest statement. "Snitches are bitches, remember."
"Yes, Master." Sinking into the Force a little, Obi-Wan concentrated on why they were actually here, at least inasmuch as the Council had told them. "I sense something familiar, something ... sinister ..." he murmured, and then, he whipped around so fast that one of the beads on his braid hit him in the eye. "OW," he grunted, the ocular soreness lingering even as he tried to focus on the present. "Master, look!" he gasped, and pointed. "I don't believe it! It's ... it's Xanatos!"
Fortunately, Obi-Wan was, in fact, quite good at distinguishing Qui-Gon's former ex-Padawan from, say, an attractively slender lady with her own mane of shiny, black hair from behind. "Hello there," Xanatos smirked. To Obi-Wan's increasing dismay, he, too, appeared to be dressed in a Hawai'ian shirt and drinking an alcoholic coconut beverage. "Want a sip?" the other man said, waving the makeshift glass at him a little.
"Mmm ... no." Qui-Gon seemed to be just sober enough still to recognize that anything Xanatos was doing to lure his apprentice to him was probably cause for intervention. Swaying, he placed a too-heavy hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder: "He's only ... fifteen," he added a moment later, and Obi-Wan was fairly certain he'd heard his Master counting under his breath.
"Mmm," Xanatos repeated, though in a much sexier, Xanatos-esque way. His steel blue, aquamarine, icy, soulless, passionate, slivered, silver-blue-gray-white-green eyes traveled over Obi-Wan's small, athletic, still-clad-in-Jedi-Padawan-clothes-because-HE-wasn 't-a-kriffing-lush-like-some-people frame, his mouth curling in a satisfied sort of way. "I won't tell if you don't," he husked, and Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.
"No, thank you."
"So polite." Gracefully, like a cat or a really graceful gundark or something, Xanatos rose from the stool on which he was perched, stretching a little. "I suppose you're here to stop my corrupt scheme of charging the native Hawai'ians far too much for imported Telosian blue milk before I run this pleasure planet into vast ruin and it's forced to rely on me and my surging supply of Force-sensitive boy slaves whom I've kidnapped from various locales across the galaxy for its flagging income." He paused and took a sip out of his coconut, pausing to fiddle with the tiny pink umbrella hanging out of its other side. "Isn't that right?"
Obi-Wan gaped at him. "I ... you really just told us your entire plan?" Xanatos shrugged. "What were you planning to do had the Council sent any other Jedi team to stop you? Also," he growled, his own multi-colored eyes flashing some ambiguous shade of green-silver-periwinkle, "how many Force-sensitive boy slaves do you have?"
Xanatos took a long-suffering final swig out of his coconut, pausing to swallow his mouthful dramatically before speaking again. "Okay, well first, I knew for a fact that Master Yoda and Windu would only ever send the two of you." When Obi-Wan's brow furrowed further, the older man's smirk deepened. "Someone really, really likes blue milk," he said teasingly, gratified to see Obi-Wan flush.
Behind him, ever-making things worse, Qui-Gon snorted. "No kidding. He drinks an entire glass of it before bed each night. It's weird and gross."
"It's healthy, Master," Obi-Wan protested, and glared harder at Xanatos, fists balled at his sides. "Fine. And the answer to my other question?"
Xanatos shrugged again. "I technically have no Force-sensitive boy slaves at this time. But," he added, and leered at Obi-Wan again, "if all goes as planned today, I'm about to acquire one."
"Don't bet on it." Obi-Wan sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that day, probably because it was. "I'll bite. What is the rest of your plan? You know, the part that you reveal to us after we think we've successfully foiled your initial plot because you al-"
"Always have a back door," Xanatos finished, and then frowned. "You don't get to say my catch phrase. That's just for me."
"It's a stupid catch phrase, anyways," Obi-Wan sniffed. Behind them, Qui-Gon muttered something about "double entendres," but both Obi-Wan and Xanatos ignored the sloshed Jedi Master for the moment.
"Is not. You're stupid, you stupid, clumsy boy. Also, you smell like warm milk."
"I do not!" Obi-Wan looked even more aggrieved now, and moved away from Qui-Gon when his Master bent and began trying to sniff his neck. "It's good for you," he railed, defending his cherished bedtime habit. "It has twenty-two essential vitamins and minerals that growing Padawans like myself need as part of our daily, balanced diets, and -"
"Shut up." Xanatos swaggered closer, Obi-Wan's skirting away from Qui-Gon having moved him yet nearer to danger; standing stock still, Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed as Xanatos crouched to meet his gaze head-on. "Look, why don't we just cut to the chase?" Xanatos suggested. "I manage to subdue you both, in spite of your best efforts to stop me, and the whole thing hinges on some daring rescue from a third party, and/or I get bored and wander away. Here, look, I even have an outfit picked out for you, Obi-Wan." A tendril of the Force called the small black bag sitting on the bar to Xanatos, and Obi-Wan watched as he tugged out something white, long, and filmy. "Unfortunately, I'm afraid this particular get-up does not accompany underwear," Xanatos smirked, and Obi-Wan sighed (101).
"Do they ever?" The Padawan eyed the outfit dubiously. "Am I supposed to be some sort of fertility goddess this time?"
Xanatos smiled, a little too fondly for comfort. "Close. You're a virgin sacrifice to the gods of the planet's - very active - volcanoes."
"What! But ... I'm not ... er, I mean, it's just ... I'm not a v-virg-"
"Obi-Wan, don't lie, you so kriffing are." Obi-Wan was fairly certain he was going to be giving Qui-Gon the silent treatment for at least a week following this whole sordid mission. In any case, in an attempt to retain at least a little dignity, the boy stiffened his lip. "Do we really have to go through this part at all?" he queried.
Xanatos was now holding the outfit against his own body, cuddling it a little, even. "It is my favorite part of the whole thing," he admitted, and Obi-Wan couldn't even muster up the breath to sigh effectively (back to an even 100).
"Did anyone ever tell you that you're a walking clich , Xanatos?"
Xanatos grinned (evilly, of course). "Less talking, more embarrassed, yet noble stripping off of your tunics, Obawan." He tilted his head. "I could help ..."
"That won't be necessary." Still, Obi-Wan had to slap the other man's hand away from where it was groping his braid. "I said no, Xanatos! I say no every time! Why do you get to be ridiculously predictable, but I'm supposed to change depending on your terrible, horny whims?!"
"All right, all right. Just take off your clothes and make this really uncomfortable for all of us because you're still vaguely underage." Xanatos crossed his arms, mildly grumpy, now.
Behind them, Qui-Gon chimed in yet again: "Speak for yourself," he chortled, and then burped. Obi-Wan sighed (101!) and reached for his utility belt.
From his vantage point, albeit while simultaneously having been tied to a wooden pole atop a massive volcanic mountain - Xanatos had been the one to do the tying, of course; Obi-Wan had kept a running tally of 'bad touches' during the actual roping process - Xanatos now owed him upwards of twenty-five credits - Obi-Wan had to admit that Hawai'i's natural beauty was, in fact, quite beautiful. At the same time, it was hot as balls up here, and the air, swirling with soot and ash, stained his pristine white garments (sans underwear; Xanatos had been very not-kidding about that) and, overall, making for a rather miserable early evening for the Padawan.
"This sucks," he complained to no one in particular. Xanatos, however, close enough to hear him and even, as he was now demonstrating, to breathe heavily against the side of his face, smirked and chucked him on the chin.
"Poor Obi-Wan." The older man straightened, tossing his raven-y-jet-black-dark-like-the-darkest-tea-shiny- shiny-pretty-princess mane of (black! Shiny!) hair over his shoulder with a practiced flourish. "Not to worry, my corruptible little Padawan" - "not yours," Obi-Wan seethed, but Xanatos pressed on unhurriedly - "this will be over faster than you can s- oh, karking hells!"
"Uh," Obi-Wan said. Below them a ways, Qui-Gon was in a better position to intercept the incoming starship, carrying none other than Master Tahl and Master Yoda's right-hand man, Mace Windu, whose head looked particularly shiny from Obi-Wan's current angle. "Again?" he heard Tahl, leaning heavily on Windu's arm so as to avoid tripping on any loose rocks, exclaim once she drew close enough to Qui-Gon. "He can't get like, a Nekk puppy or something?"
"Apparently not." Qui-Gon sounded far too mirthful still, though Obi-Wan suspected that was the booze. (His Master's drink count for the day had now reached double digits.) Nearer to him, Xanatos was watching the scene with vague interest and irritation alike. "You'll never win, Jedi!" he called down to them. "I hold all of the cards in play here, my old Master: Your Padawan, ... uh. Some more coconuts ..." He trailed off. "I've got Obi-Wan, at least," he finally amended, and Obi-Wan sighed (115 - the count had jumped considerably during the aforementioned horny roping session - and tugged uselessly at his wrist bindings ...
... or maybe not so uselessly. "Did you seriously ... did you even knot this?" Obi-Wan asked Xanatos incredulously; and to Xanatos' credit (or lack thereof), he had not. "Well, then," Obi-Wan muttered, freeing himself quite easily once he realized that, in fact, the ropes had simply been wound around the wooden pole several times, and then tied in a sloppy bow in the back. "It's all over, Xanatos." Then, probably at least a few minutes before the volcano could erupt and cover him in smoldering hot liquid magma, the Padawan grabbed up his lightsaber from Xanatos' belt loop - Xanatos purred at him when Obi-Wan's Force signature touched his pants, but Obi-Wan just shook the hilt at the other man warningly - and high-tailed it down the side of the mountain, ready to go home.
"Obi-Wan! You're safe!" Master Tahl had always been one of the nicer in Qui-Gon's lot of age-mates/"friends," and Obi-Wan smiled at her pleasantly even though he knew she could not see him. "You smell great today," she offered a moment later, however, and he frowned.
Above, looking down at all of them, now, Xanatos shook his fist. "This isn't over!" he yelled, and then disappeared with a twirl of his super-black-blacker-than-the-darkest-midnight-of-d arkness-times-infinity-plus-one cloak. Spent, now, Obi-Wan turned wearily back to the assembled group. "Coruscant?" he offered, and they all nodded. Qui-Gon stumbled a bit while he walked, and Obi-Wan noticed that this (and probably, Qui-Gon's own, decidedly not-good smell) seemed to be encouraging Tahl to keep her distance. "Thank you for rescuing us, Master," Obi-Wan told her, allowing the (tall, perhaps unsurprisingly) elder woman to lean on him for support.
Above him, Tahl smiled benevolently. "You're welcome," she replied simply, and then, miraculously, her large, yellow eyes seemed to focus smack-dab directly upon his. "But my face is up here, Padawan," she reprimanded sternly, and Obi-Wan gulped and tried not to notice how Tahl's impressive left can (and, truth be told, a bit of the right one, as well) was currently rubbing against his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he gasped, face turning red as the stupid red lightsaber crystal Xanatos had switched his old blue one out for in the wake of his leaving the Jedi Order.
In front of them, Qui-Gon, ever unhelpful, turned, and then fixed the both of them with a pleased, crooked grin. "I see Ryloth, I see Falang Minor, I see Obi-Wan's not wearing any underwear," he crowed, and then leaned on Master Windu for support. "See, 'cause Xanatos took 'em. 's prolly gonna use them to beat o-"
"We get it man, it's okay." Windu gave his fellow Jedi Master a single bro-pat on the shoulder, and then gestured with a stern nod of his head at Obi-Wan and Tahl. "There's a fresh change of clothing aboard the ship just for you, Obi-Wan." When the Padawan looked surprised, he added: "It just, this happens quite a lot these days."
"Yes, Master." With one last sigh (116) heaved on Hawai'ian ground, Obi-Wan made his way up the boarding ramp to the ship, and to another six months or so without being abducted by Xanatos, if he was lucky. "Thank you, Master," he added as he passed Windu, and then his shoulders hunched when he heard the darker man sniff the air a little.
"Is that ... does something smell like milk in here?" he asked, and Obi-Wan just groaned.