Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls, Rory and Jess, The Sun Also Rises, or the last line of the story, which is also the last line of The Giver (and you can bet I don't own that either...). Basically I own nothing except the ability to put my thoughts about Rory and Jess on paper and call it fanfiction...
Jess: So do these open?
Rory: Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.
Jess: Great. Shall we?
Rory: Shall we what?
Jess: Bail.
Rory: No.
Jess: Why?
Rory: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.
Jess: So we'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes.
Rory: Look, Sookie just made a ton of really great food, and I'm starving and though it may not seem like it right at this moment, it's gonna be fun. Trust me.
Jess: I don't even know you.
Rory: Well, don't I look trustworthy?
Jess: Maybe.
Rory Gilmore held one hand to the wheel of her car, and used the other in a failed attempt to wipe off her stinging tears. They made her mascara run as they cascaded down her face, soaking into the sleeve of her blouse. Stealing a quick glace at the divorce papers in the passenger seat, she shook her head with disgust and fixed her eyes back on the cold, steely road. It was near two in the morning and everything looked creepy and foreign to her. She hadn't known where exactly she was heading, but it didn't matter. Their was nowhere to go. She had become an outcast. How come she had been so naive? She was twenty-three, for crying out loud, not nearly old enough to married.
She remembered how elated she had been when Logan finally returned from London. She had cooked him a portly dinner the night of his return, complete with a roasted turkey and plum pudding. Yes, she may have asked Sookie for a little help beforehand, but she had worked hard to make it special.. He had returned, tired from the long trip, but ecstatic to see her. She had smiled shyly at him and with a hug and a kiss, lead him to the table.
They had dined under candlelight, smiling and laughing, and then he proposed...he hadn't gotten down on one knee or anything, he just gently handed Rory the little red box in the middle of dinner with a contented expression on his face. She had opened it, smiled, and said yes. She slipped on the engagement ring on her finger while he beamed. Throughout the rest of her dinner Rory sat, slipping the silver spoon inside her mouth, regarding the delicate gold and diamond clusters with confusion. Something was wrong, something she couldn't put her finger on. She had patiently waited a whole year for him while he worked in London, and understood why he felt it was time...but alas, Rory couldn't shake the feeling that something was off...and it continued to bother her until the divorce, only four months later.
They had both realized quickly that they were not ready for marriage. After they eloped (which was the reason her mother and her had another falling out, Rory could still remember the pained expression on Lorelai's face when she realized she would never attend her daughter's wedding) liked Logan asked as a way to avoid inviting his parents, life became somewhat troubled. At first it was a little fun, sort of like playing house. Logan would be off at important meetings, and Rory would be there with a cheek ready to be pecked and dinner on the table when he returned to their fancy apartment she had just begun redecorating.
Soon though, as many games do, it got old. Logan would be sometimes out until midnight and Rory would be all at home by herself. She shuddered at the many memories of her sitting all alone at the table, staring at her empty plate and his full one under a melted candle. And after she had finished putting up paintings and getting new bedspreads, Rory had felt bored, with nothing to do but play Madden on his Xbox 360, a game and electronic device which she loathed. Logan had discouraged her against getting a job, since they could easily just afford anything they wanted with his. She had faltered under the weight of his charm and accepted his offer of being a businessman's wife, with nothing to do except fix meals and go to fancy dinner parties in little red dresses...Her family was angry with her, her friends forgotten, and all she knew was a jam-packed life with boredom, rich trinkets, and, lies.
She had finally called it quits on a night when like many others, he staggered through the front door drunk after "work". He had mumbled something about Colin and Finn and a bar, but his wrinkled clothes and the smeared lipstick all over his face, neck, and arms declared different. Their had been crying, screaming, and the shattering of expensive glass figurines, but eventually she had packed up her things and left, driving as fast as she could to the nearest motel.
And now here she was, only a few weeks later, lost, hurt, and lonesome. She literally lived in her car, with knotted, unbrushed hair and dulled blue eyes, brightened only by the tears still pushing behind them. Her suitcase in the backseat was half-open, spilling it's contents all over the leather interior. She missed her mom, her friends, and her old life, which she feared she
would never get back. The car suddenly entered a fork in the road and Rory pulled up on the side of the it, struggling to read the sign's words through the dark shadows that played over it:
Philadelphia: 25 miles...
Jess: So, it's been a couple days since you made the big decision. You still going to Yale?
Rory: Yes, I am. It's got all the classes I want and some really great teachers, and plus, you know, as an added bonus, it's really close to here.
Jess: 22.8 miles.
Rory: How did you know that?
Jess: Do you Yahoo?
Rory: You looked it up?
Jess: Yeah.
Rory: You looked it up.
Jess: I just hit a couple buttons on the computer.
Rory: You looked it up.
Jess: I was bored. There was nothing on TV and I was fooling around, it was something to do, that's it.
Rory: You looked it up.
Surprise contorted Rory's already distorted, tear-streaked face. Was she subconsciously driving in his direction? She hadn't laid eyes on Jess since she had visited him over a year ago, at Truncheon's open house. She remembered how disastrous it had went, and had to give a sad smile. Rory could still feel Jess's lips against hers...warm and soft. His faint cologne, still the same kind from high school, had wafted up her nose, bringing back memories of when they had been dating, horizontal on Luke's coach or after hours in the Wal-Mart parking alley. Only until his hand had begun to slide up her side had Rory stopped, the realization of what she was doing surging upon her.
Apologies. A waste of words and time. Saying sorry is really just saying a swift and meaningless word that tries to make up for whatever you have done to hurt a person. It takes time, little effort, and you don't have to really mean it. Webster's dictionary, Rory remembers, defies sorry as "full of sorrow and regret for another person or yourself" but she believed that you don't always regret hurting someone's feelings.
She had told (screamed, more like it) Logan she was sorry he had ruined their marriage, but she hadn't meant that at all. She wasn't sorry, because he hadn't ruined it all by himself. They had ruined it, and therefore the only thing she regretted was them ever getting married in the first place. She had forgiven him for the bridesmaids, but the lies their marriage was based on finally caught up with them. When he had returned from London after a year apart, she should have realized that things could not have been the same. They had become different people with different goals and different views of how a marriage should be. The only sorrow she felt was for herself, and the naiveness she had placed within their lives, full of happy couples, picnics, and nights tied up in each others arms.
And then their was the apology she had made to Jess...had she even meant that? Or was that just another quick exit for here to turn on. Maybe she had wanted him to feel pain, it was their destiny to cause each other heartbreak after heartbreak, so perhaps she had felt it would even up the score once more...the only thing was she didn't know the score. She had lost track many moons ago. She sighed staring up at the sign once more. She had to move the car one way sooner or later. Perhaps she should...
Rory shook her head. This was over. Their farewells had been said, closure between them had finally happened. He would never forgive her, no matter how much he had still loved her. She had used him. She had backed away from his kiss, stating facts about how Logan had cheated on her, saying that she loved him even though, turning away and leaving Jess heartbroken...again. How was Jess always there when no one else could be? He wasn't even that angry when she told him he had pretty much been a tool in a broken relationship, he just looked at her, unbelievably hurt. Rory shook her head, trying to lose the image of his face, confused and pained as she pulled away from him. It burned there however, forcing her to make a decision.
She swerved the car.
Rory: You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.
Jess: Could we sit down?
Rory: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?
Jess: I love you.
Illuminated by only a few street lamps, the parking lot looked dark and eerie. It was populated by only by a few cars, one which Rory noticed looking surprisingly familiar. She parked her
own expensive car next to it, acknowledging the contrast of her shiny blue hood and leather seats to his's rusty coloring and broken taillight. She gave a small smile. Some things never change.
Rory stepped out and leaned against her car in the parking lot of the publishing house, contemplating. He had said it himself "It is what it is. You. Me." Why couldn't she leave it like that? She had done it before. Rory had hated it when he spilt those words to her, they had filled her with such...finality. They were careless words, and she had wondered if maybe this was the end of their captivating, if somewhat tragic, saga that had carried on for so long. Her hands
dragged across her face, signing in desperation. She didn't know what she was doing here. It had ended. They had ended. Like the pages of an old and unused book, they had faded with time into something indecipherable. She ran her fingers uncertainly across the hood of the car. She could still turn away, disappear into the dark as though she had never stood there, reminiscing hurtful memories.
Or she could go inside.
But what would she gain from going inside? Would anger make the veins pulse through his neck, forcing her back, back away from the only person who had never judged her? Or would incredible hurt pierce her through his eyes, eyes so deeply brown you could see a million miles within them. She sighed once more. She missed his eyes. His eyes, and his lips, and his hands. Sometimes when she had lonely at home she would reread a couple of her books, books that they had shared together, laughing and criticizing. She would close her eyes and there he would be, with a sarcastic remark and a rare grin to cross his face whenever she appeared. He was a somewhat comforting ghost, full of nothing, only slight wisps of memory, but still never failing to make her feel a little better every time Logan came home with a crooked tie and a new phone number in his pocket. He had believed in her, and even if she thought she would never see him again after that awful night, Rory could still feel his words within her...
But going inside would obviously be a horrible choice! He was surely doing just fine without her, he had proved that the night he had shown up at her grandmother's house. Not only had he finally stopped "shaking it around", he had magically smoothed the ruined road to her recovery the first time she had slipped away from the life she had known. Ironically, pushing her back to Stars Hollow, when he had left it in the first place. Rory guessed he thought he owed her one.
Did that not mean they were even! Why come back into his life if it would just bring an unneeded hurt to the both of them? And why was he the only one allowed to save her when she was at her most vulnerable? Why couldn't her Mom, Paris, hell even Logan help her when she sunk into the deep end of her lame decisions? Jess was unknowingly her puppet master, able to control her every move with a glint in his eye and the flash of a frown. His power over her had scared her when she was younger, and it was scaring her now.
Jess: What's going on with you?
Rory: What do you mean?
Jess: You know what I mean! I know you. I know you better than anyone! This isn't you.
Rory: I don't know.
Jess: What are you doing? Living at your grandparents' place? Being in the DAR? No Yale - why did you drop out of Yale?
Rory: It's complicated!
Jess: It's not! It's not complicated!
Rory: You don't know!
Jess: This isn't you! This! You going out with this jerk, with the Porsche! We made fun of guys like this!
Rory: You caught him on a bad night.
Jess: This isn't about him! Okay? Screw him! What's going on with you? This isn't you, Rory. You know it isn't. What's going on?
Rory: I don't know. I don't know.
She still didn't know what was going on with her. She didn't know what was going on with her when she agreed to marry Logan. She didn't know what was going on with her when she eloped without informing Lorelai, leaving a new trail of pain and regret. She didn't know what was going on all of the times she sat, watching a bunch of jersey clad football players dance across a Xbox screen waiting for her goddamn husband to actually show up at two in the morning. She didn't know what she doing now, standing outside the last place she used to think she'd ever be.
Pulling her coat tighter around her shoulders to avoid the fall wind that swept her hair around her face and ignoring the chill that brushed across her spine, making her shiver from something other than the cold, she slowly and tentatively walked up to the front door of Truncheon Books.
The pavement clicked and clacked under Rory's shoes as she nervously made her way to the door. She could still back out. Go home to the nearest motel and curl up into a ball on top of the hard, uncomfortable bed, then she could pretend this never happened, pretend her life had never happened. She could maybe go to the snack machine, use the remaining money she had, and buy up a few bags of chips to hold her over tell she what? Got a job? Moved into an apartment? Perhaps even begged Logan for forgiveness, a forgiveness she deserved more than he ever would?
No, Logan didn't deserve an apology, not a rare, heartfelt apology...Jess did. And even though she had said it before, the night of the open house, she would say again. Say it over and over until something happened and everything that had gone so wrong so long ago was better again. When he could look into her eyes and see the "old " Rory still inside, and he could bring her back...and then every sorry they had ever said to each other, from the meaningless to the purposeful would dissolve until she could finally breathe through the thick clouds of pain that had blinded her for so long...
When she finally reached the door in what seemed like decades, nervousness struck her harder than ever. What would she say? What would he do? Why the hell was she here? And was it possible, that maybe, despite everything that had happened between them, from the good to the really, really bad...maybe, just maybe deep down and all along...she still loved him?
Her hand gripped the doorknob suddenly, a slight sweat greasing it. The cold air bit at her cheeks and she breathed in deeply...turning it slightly to see if it was unlocked. Surprisingly (even though Jess had never been a stickler for safety and she guessed neither were his co-workers) the door was unlocked. She began to turn it a little more, allowing herself to feel even more anxious every time it turned a little farther, clicking slightly as it moved, millimeter after millimeter...
And then she heard a noise.
Someone was coming down a pair of stairs, she could hear the distinct banging of footsteps and the clear sound of a light clicking on...
And then she rapidly let go of the doorknob, backed away from the door, letting her body take over what her mind had tried so hard to accomplish.
And with the forlorn screaming of "NO!" ringing loudly in her ears, she dashed back to her car, flung open the door, and shutting it so quickly that part of her coat was caught in it, she peeled out of his driveway, her car fading into darkness.
If the motel manager had bothered to look at the clearly distressed girl that had asked for a room in the middle of the night, he might have noticed her coat was ripped and her eyes were streaked in silent tears. He might have noticed she hung her head low in disgrace and regret, and that her hands were stuck to her sides, clawing roughly at the material of her blouse in a desperate matter. But alas, he was tired, it was late, and he could barely bring himself to hand her the key, let alone care what kind of state she was in.
As Rory curled up in her hard, uncomfortable bed, she pulled her cellphone out of her pocket. Resigned, suffering, and utterly alone, she dialed the number, choked tears escaping each time it rang. When someone finally answered, she felt relief grasp her. The term unconditional love had to mean something, right?
"Mom? It's me. And I know it may not matter anymore how many times I say it...but I am so, so sorry."
And at least in one way, someone had forgiven her.
Jess: You look happier than when I saw you last.
Rory: I am.
Jess: So... you fixed everything?
Rory: Yeah. Everything's fixed.
Jess: I'm glad you're here.
Rory: Yeah, me too.
He leans in and kisses her. He reaches out to pull her closer, but she breaks away.
Jess: What?
Rory gets up: I'm sorry.
Jess: About what?
Rory: Uh, about coming here like this. I just got the flyer, and, I don't know, I just wanted to see your place, but then - this. It's not fair to you, I'm such a jerk.
Jess: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rory: I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me.
Jess angry: Who? Who cheated on you? He realizes. That - guy?
She nods sadly. He covers his face with his hand.
Jess: You're still with him.
Rory: Yeah.
Jess: I thought everything was fixed.
Rory: Everything but him.
Jess: I hate this!
Rory: You should. I'm sorry.
Jess: You came here alone. To Philadelphia.
Rory: He was out of town.
Jess: I don't deserve this, Rory.
Rory: No, you don't! You don't deserve it! I just - I'm in love with him. Despite all the bad he's done, I can't help it. I'm in love with him.
Jess: Love, huh?
Rory: Yeah.
Jess: I guess I'll call Matthew's poet and have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?
Rory: Supposed to. Well, I guess I'd better go.
Jess: Okay.
Rory: I'm so sorry I came here.
Jess: I'm not. It's what it is. You. Me.
While Rory made the mad run to her car, Jess Mariano lay quietly on his bed, surrounded by the snores of his friends. He couldn't sleep, he had been trying to drift off for the last hour or so, but to no avail. Grumbling, he finally stumbled out of his old, rickety bed creeping past his roommates to the downstairs of Truncheon books, where he had left his copy of The Sun Also Rises.
He walked down the stairs past the faded, peeling wallpaper (he made a mental note to bug Chris about that, they needed it fixed to look professional) and flicked on the light switch. An instant later he heard someone scramble away from the front door. Nervous about burglars, he cautiously approached the door and wrenched it open. A blast of cold air hit him and that was it. Nothing...except the faint smell of sunflowers, a scent that tickled his memory trying to remind him of something he had never forgotten...
Jess scanned the parking lot, running a hand through his dark hair, confused. Out of the corner of his eye he spied a blue, slightly familiar car sprint out of the parking lot, tires squealing as it vanished into the night. Turning his head, his eyes traced the place where it had just been and he looked back into the dark night that had so conveniently swallowed it up.
Maybe he had never really seen it. Maybe his imagination was playing a dirty trick on him, making him pay for still loving the one girl he could never have, because despite his unwavering feelings for her, his apologies were wasted within his words...If he could only tell her he was sorry, one more time, and make her really hear it. He could have sworn that the car had belonged to...
But perhaps it was only an echo.