To Be Left Alone: Chapter 1
Author: RaphandMikey83
Pairings: Raphael...No One, Don/Mike, Leo/Karai
Summary: One hotheaded turtle's thoughts on a lonely night...
He couldn't help it, just sitting there and thinking. Not only on what he saw, but how he felt about it.
Raphael didn't think he was a prude…far from it. He would actually like to think that he was a little open-minded. At least to certain stuff. But right now, thinking in his room and remembering what he saw…
Of Mikey and Don…
He couldn't help but have a shiver go up his shell…but was it of disgust, or something else?
The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. It's not like they had many choices…and if he was perfectly honest with himself, he HAD thought about it at least once or twice in his life.
Basically, it had all started with one of his late night bouts…just a few goons holding up a convenience store, nothing too worthwhile. Raph had taken a couple of cuts and bruises, but nothing to complain about.
After returning home and taking a good, long shower, he decided to put a little work in the dojo. Although he could have sworn he heard some type of noise.
A little strange and weird, but he shook it off.
'Must be the nerves.'
The stretching of muscles made the cuts a little more noticeable. He didn't want to be a baby about it, but if he was going to get at least a decent amount of sleep, he might as well apply some ointments and bandages on the offending cuts and bruises. He had snuck into Don's room before…the brainiac was usually out like a light after being up so long with one of his inventions.
'His brain must work into overtime or something.'
Of course Donnie's room was soundproof, and needed a code to open the door. Luckily, Raph had snuck in and found out what that code just so happened to be. Who said he never thought ahead?
Of course, when he punched the code in and slid the door just a little, a variety of moans and groans were heard by the red-banded turtle.
Raphael's eyes widened for a split second, 'Is he sick or hurt or somethin'?'
Peering his eyes around the corner, the red-banded turtle's eyes widened even more.
Both of his younger brothers were on Donnie's bed. An olive-tinted hand was moving up and down a sea-greened thigh. The turtle on top was nibbling his orange-banded brother's neck, suckling lovingly while his tongue rolled in a circle. Raph could only watch as Donnie's hand snaked between Mikey's legs, a hard moan being gained by the fun-loving turtle.
The genius turtle's busy hands were snaking up and down Michelangelo's tail, as a hungry mouth was nibbling on sea-green's bottom lip. Raph didn't know why he was frozen in place…he wanted to just run and wonder later what the hell was going on. Or scream 'what da fuck's going on in here' and get some kind of explanation.
But instead, all he could do was watch as Mikey's hands fumbled up and down Don's arms, as the brainiac's hand moved from tail to the slowly emerging cock. Gripping it softly yet securely, the purple-banded turtle slowly stroked the throbbing member up and down, softly rubbing the emerging wetness of precum over the skin. Raphael could see the baby brother's toes curl in ecstasy, a group of loud gasps and groans erupting as he whispered the name "Donnie" over and over again.
Raph watched with pinpoint eyes as Donnie kissed along Mikey's chest, twirling his tongue along scutes as he inched his head lower. Don's busy hand was still working slowly up and down, in long strokes, along the baby brother's hard cock. Precum was overflowing over the purple-banded brother's hand, as Donnie leaned in and licked the wetness into his mouth. Suckling the top of the head, he slowly slid his beak down, making Mikey almost wail in pleasure…
Raph couldn't help but slide the door to it's proper place and ease slowly back into his own room.
And now here he sat in his room, thinking of those images.
The pleasure coursing through his baby bro's face, the hungry look on his pacifist brother's eyes…and now this throbbing building up inside him.
Damn! What the hell was he thinking? And what was he going to do about it? Did he want to tell anyone about it?
As he thought about it, the answer was no. He didn't want them to get into trouble. Maybe he was a bit taken aback and confused at first….but they really did look happy, didn't they?
A small smile passed over his beak. There wasn't too much to get happy over in their lives, and not much pleasure to boot as well. He didn't want to think what Splinter or Leo would do in his place.
But as for himself? Screw it!
'Let them be happy!'
And with a smile he sat back. He didn't want to take away his brothers' happiness, or their freedom. He never liked that…their life dictated by 'who' or 'what' they were. He sure as hell didn't want to make his family unhappy. Besides, it wouldn't be the first bout of love and relationship that he kept secret.
He couldn't help but chuckle. It kinda made sense that it was Mikey and Don who got together. Those two seemed to always be hanging out with each other.
And then his smile faltered. He remembered when Mikey and him used to be best friends…hanging out and playing with each other when they were kids. Raph knew that they were still close to each other. They still made fun of each other, and there were still a lot of good times.
'But not like it used to be.'
And Donnie? The joy of hearing his brother say 'thanks for getting my back' always warmed his heart. He doesn't know why he never hung out with his genius brother. He could always help him in fixin' stuff, or helping out with the vehicles. Maybe it was because he felt dumb around Don…just like he felt like a total ass around Mikey.
It's not like he meant it. Maybe he did?
'Fuck, I don't even know anymore.'
Why the hell was he thinking of this anyway? What…was he jealous?
Jealous of those two being completely happy…doing stuff he'll never get to do, or feel…he couldn't help but instinctively clench his toes as he thought of a moaning Mikey under him, whispering sweet noises of 'Raphie, more. Please more!'
Or maybe the notion of an overworked Donatello who needed some relief, and the red-banded turtle forcing his brainiac brother to sit down and help him 'relieve' some stress.
He couldn't help but touch his inner thighs at those thoughts…but the pain of the cuts and bruises that were still on his body quickly pulled him away from that.
Shaking his head, he'd need another shower after this. He'll probably just ignore them and let Mike and Don do what they want. Besides, like he said before, Donnie and Mikey looked good with each other.
Happy.
Raph didn't want to screw it up, in anyway. It was weird…this notion of feeling alone. Usually he wanted to be left alone, venturing out into the streets by himself. But weirdly enough, this was the first time in a long while in which he truly felt alone.
Lol maybe him and Leo would pair off.
But for some reason, that thought wasn't really that pleasant.
Yeah, he loved Leo as a brother. But as something else? Definitely no.
Besides, he knew Leo still had some part of his heart to Karai. Like he said before, Mikey and Don wouldn't be the first relationship that he secretly knew. There were times that he caught Leo and Karai in some dark alleyway, or some underground chamber in the sewer.
'Lol maybe that's why we never hear of the Foot anymore, Leo screwed them to death.'
Hell…he even knew that their own Sensei had fallen in love. It has started a little after their whole situation with the Ninja Tribunal. Splinter had decided to spend some quiet time in Japan with the Ancient One.
Raph noticed that something was a little off when their Sensei came back…but not in a bad way. A sort of whimsical look in his father's eyes. But it wasn't until the day when he was called into his Master's dojo (reason? bottom line…Leo/Fight/You got the picture already). But while waiting for his Master to meet him their, he noticed a single letter lying in his point of view. Looking around, he leaned over to take a closer look. He knew he shouldn't be snooping…but like he's one to follow rules that much.
Scanning over the piece of paper, he soon grew to realize that it was indeed a love letter in Japanese…shock was probably the best word to pop into the hothead's noggin. Before his brain could contemplate it further, a clearance of throat brought his attention to the individual at the door.
"Uhmm…hey…Sensei."
A look of annoyance etched on his father's face, as he sternly walked up and jutted his palm in front of the turtle.
"My son…would you mind?"
A hint of redness crossed over the fiery turtle's face as he shyly placed the letter onto his Sensei's open hand.
"So…who is she?"
It was a simple question. And he honestly couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment.
With a much softer look in the old rat's eyes, he whispered the words "Mitsu."
Awkwardness would be the key word for the scene before the two of them. Smiling softly, the only thing Raphael could do was whisper, "It's a good name."
A soft smile and a simple 'Thank you' passed over his father's lips.
When asked why he was keeping this a secret, his Sensei simply stated, "I was going to tell all of you sometime, my son. But…it is hard for someone my age to express feelings of this nature, especially to his own sons. Many times I have said that you 4 must remain excluded from the rest of the world, that we do not belong to the world up above…"
And with a solemn look he exasperated, "And yet, it seems I myself have broken that rule," as Raphael, through the corner of his eye, saw his father softly squeeze the letter in his hand.
"It's okay Sensei…if anyone deserves to be happy, it's you. We'd never hold that against ya…and, if ya want…I can hold off on saying anything until you're ready."
With a warm smile, Splinter said, "Yes, I'd like that very much. Thank you for that my son."
Walking up to his father, and giving him a soft pat, Raph said, "No problem…so…does this mean I don't have to do any flips or anything, for the fight and stuff?"
An audible chuckle reign out of him. He couldn't help but say that…it worked for Mikey all those times. But then he smiled at the thought that his father was happy over there…he meant what he said, if anybody deserved some happiness it was definitely their father. And right now he was over in Japan with the Ancient One, but the hothead was sure that he was with his love as well.
With a smile, he slowly murmured, "Good for him."
As he looked at his hands and legs, his plastron, all covered with an assortment of scars and bruises throughout the years…
He knew that he deserved to be alone. He knew his brothers would beat him up (well try to) or cuss him out for these thoughts, cause he knew his family loved him. But Raph also knew his family put up with a lot more than they had to…and why wouldn't Mikey have someone like Don who could make him relax with Donnie's calm nature? And why wouldn't Donnie have someone like Mikey, who could make you smile as quick as a heartbeat?
Hell he'd even admit that Leo and Karai, in their secret meetings, looked good together too. In their last bout with the Foot Clan, he had to admit that her help was instrumental in ending this damn thing for good. And as hard as it was for him to admit it, that girl was good for ole Fearless. He seemed more relaxed, less strict…not so worried about every, single, damn, thing!
Hell, Leo was even going out. Usually the guy was just stay home and play with his damn candles or something. Of course, the others thought he was going out on a run or just to relax.
'Well, I guess Leo really was going out to relax...so to speak.'
Leaning his head down onto his bed, Raph couldn't help but picture some moments in time. Almost hitting his baby brother with a pipe, the constant fights with Leo, or the bickering at Don to bandage him up when the genius himself had a lot better stuff to do than bandage or fix his own crap.
What he hell was he supposed to do. Go up and try to gain sympathy from his family? Fuck that. He didn't want 'pity-fucks' or handouts. And it wasn't like it should be some kind of Armageddon-Style Shocker.
Like he said before, how many damn fights of pushing and pulling against Leo for reasons X, Y, and Z did it need to take for the hothead to let it sink in that simple reasoning of 'calm the fuck down'? And Donnie? Yeah they chatted, and the Doc of the group was easy enough to talk to. But it wasn't like they were the best of buddies, chatting 24/7 about 'this' and 'that'.
And Mikey...well...the countless nightmares that Raphael still had about that damn day. Sometimes that pipe would hit its' target, making Michelangelo severely impaired for the rest of his baby brother's life. Other times, the pipe would hit and a chasm of blood would hit the hothead right in the face.
And it would take Raph a number of tries to get as fast as he could into the bathroom, after waking up in a horrific amount of sweat, to make sure that there was in fact NO blood on his face. Not of his baby brother's. Then, and only then, could he look at himself in the mirror and thank Leonardo to God or whatever the hell was out there for grabbing his arm on that day.
That made it even worse. He didn't even stop it himself...it had to take his damn Fearless Brother to grab Raph's arm from committing that blow on their baby brother. It's like it wasn't even a part of his own fucking impulse!
It was during those times where he would venture out into the sewers or even the streets to try and find anything, whether it be a trashcan or a piece of glass lying around somewhere, that he could punch and crunch under his knuckles.
Safe to say, the cuts and bits of healed cartilage on his knuckles were pretty much rougher than shit by now.
Staring at his scars again, he knew he deserved this loneliness. He wasn't going to self-pity himself to death though. He made this happen. He'll live with it.
Just because he doesn't deserve it…doesn't mean his brothers don't deserve that happiness.
And he'll continue keeping his brothers' secret. He really didn't want Leo to get into trouble, who knows how their dad would react to one of his sons sleeping with the enemy, so to speak. Although on the other hand she's not the enemy anymore.
'Shit this stuff's confusing.'
He just wanted to go to sleep…but he couldn't. Getting up he moved around the lair, watching over the assortment of rooms. Their Sensei's room was empty at the moment, moving over to Leo's bedroom, he was shocked when he realized that the Fearless one wasn't even in there.
'That sneaky shit.'
And of course he knew what was behind door number three. He headed quickly back to his room to snag his favorite potion of drink, and soon afterwards he was slugging over to the dinner table. Raph just settled down and relaxed, pouring himself a sip of alcohol from the bottle of whiskey. Strong stuff, but it helped in certain times. And all he could do was sit and think at the moment.
Yeah…he was gonna keep their secrets. This was because he knows what it's like to feel alone…and he never wants his family to feel that…not anymore. Staring at the burns and scars littering his forearms, he took a long sip from the whiskey as his eyes lingered into empty space.
For years he had unwittingly built this cage of isolation. All the times he wanted to be 'left alone'.
Now he got his wish.
"I built this cage…now I'm damn well gonna live in it."
Sure, he did feel sad about it. Sort of like the outsider of outsiders….with everyone having someone to call for their own.
But he said it before and he'll say it again. He deserved it…a monster doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And yeah he knew his family would tell him otherwise.
But just because he knew their hidden truths, doesn't mean they know HIS. That he knew the feel of blood in his hands, the sound of a neck being broken…the look of horror in someone's eyes as their life slips away…or nightmares of atrocities that keep you up at night, simply for the fact that the star of these nightmares happens to be you. Out of control, some damn Thing that would fit well in one of Mikey's monster flicks that the kid watched late at night.
Fuck, he thought he said he wasn't going to do the self-pity thing. But with fatigue and his mind clouded with all sorts of questions and images, and the alcohol taking its' turn in the clouding up of this hothead's mind...
Raphael wasn't even realizing which parts of this whole 'dialogue' that he was spewing out were being said out loud, and which parts were only in his head.
And as sleep was slowly overcoming the turtle, with his head slouched down over the table…and was that some kind of wetness glazing over his eyes?
Before he fell asleep, he vowed to do it. No matter what.
He'll keep his family's secrets. He'll make sure his family stays happy. And he'll sit here and be left alone. All he cared about what his family. For them to be protected. Secure. Safe. Even if it was from himself.
A whisper of "Alone" escaped the red-banded turtle's lips as Raphael finally succumbed to sleep. But a lone figure, who had been watching the bulky, dark greened turtle for some time now, slowly padded over and glazed a hand over the other's cheek. Placing a soft kiss to the top of his head, he softly whispered…
"No. You're not alone."
And with a soft, saddened look from the lone figure, he slowly unwrapped the blanket that was under his arm and draped it over the seated turtle. With one last kiss on Raphael's cheek, the figure walked away.
'You're not alone Raph. And tomorrow, you're going to find out just how wrong you were in saying that.'