Choices

by Ioanne

I knew I shouldn’t have done it. Did I care? No, not really. Because I finally felt like I had a choice and I just had to take it. Duncan's POV about VL and his own actions. Oneshot.

Choices

by Ioanne

Pairing: V/D, V/L

Spoilers: Seasons 1 & 2.

A/N: Another story I just couldn't get out of my head without writing it down. Contains some bad language. Feedback is, as always, appreciated.

Summary: Duncan's POV about Logan's and Veronica's relationship and how he eventually got Veronica back. Warning: this is not a very flattering story on Duncan and his motives..

Disclaimer: The show and the characters are the property of someone else, not me.

I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew it was selfish and wrong and would end up hurting the very people I claimed to care about. Did I care? No, not really. Because I finally felt like I had a choice and I just had to take it.

We all had been left pretty much without choices after Lilly died. Although my choices were taken from me earlier, by my mother of all people. Aren't parents supposed to give their children all the choices possible? That's what I thought until my mother proved me wrong. When she told me there was a very strong possibility that Veronica was my sister there really was no other choice left for me than cut the girl I loved out of my life. Then Lilly was killed and everybody else lost their choices too. To me it felt a little bit like justice because then I wasn't the only one without them anymore.

Veronica really had no choice than side with her father, especially with her mother gone. Who else did she have left? Lilly was gone, I had cut her out of my life and Logan… Well, Logan and Veronica might have been friends but nobody could really expect a girl like Veronica turn her back to her own father for any friend. I don't think she would've done that even if it had been Lilly demanding it.

And Logan really didn't have any choice but cut Veronica out of his life, just like I had. There was no way he could've stayed friends with the both of us, not after Veronica's father started to go after my family. And there was no way Logan would've turned his back on me or my family, his home away from… well, that other place he lived in. I just never understood why he became so openly hostile and angry towards Veronica. I expected him to just ignore her and that would be the end of it, no more Veronica Mars in our lives. Only now that I think of it, after everything that happened, it kind of makes perfect sense.

Logan hates to lose people he cares about and evidently he really cared about Veronica already back in the days when there was the four of us. So if he couldn't keep on caring for her he had to start hating her because he couldn't start feeling nothing. Veronica was already in Logan's heart, just like she was in mine, and she was there to stay. I just had drugs to keep that problem at bay, my very own anti-Veronica medicine. Maybe I should've offered those to Logan too? And Veronica… I always knew I had a special place in her heart even after I broke it but what I didn't see was that she had to have already had a place for Logan in her heart too or she wouldn't have forgiven him so easily for all the shit he put her through. I wonder if even Veronica knew she had had that place all along.

I guess even Keith Mars had no other choice than suspect my family. After all, he was a good cop and admittedly my parents behaved very suspiciously. Even my parents really had no choice. What were they supposed to do? One of their children was dead and to them it looked like the other had killed her in his epileptic rage. They couldn't lose both their children in one day and if they could do something about it they really had no choice but to do it.

Even if I already lost some of my choices before Lilly died, the last choices Lilly made in her life cost everybody close to her theirs. Lilly chose to sleep with Logan's dad and then she chose to take those tapes. She was young and foolish enough to think she could get away with threatening to ruin the great Aaron Echolls' career but the choice was always hers. Would she have chosen not to do any of it if she had even once stopped to think what her actions might cost to me and Logan and Veronica? I don't know but probably not because Lilly thought that she was invincible and fabulous and that everybody around her loved her too much to never forgive her. Except our parents and she would've thought it still would've been worth it because they would've been royally pissed off and that would've suited her just perfectly.

When I found out about Logan and Veronica at that party I felt angry and betrayed. How did they suddenly dare to decide that they had a choice to stop hating each other and start a relationship? Who gave them the right to have a choice when I was still deprived of mine? They weren't supposed to be happy without me, at least not together! It didn't matter that I had Meg and that I was actually happy with her. That was different, that was new. Logan and Veronica were something of the past and they weren't supposed to feel the togetherness of the past without me. Not without me…

I was sure I had lost them both. That they had moved on from everything we had had back when Lilly was still alive and life was good. That it would be just the same to them whether I existed or not. That they wouldn't really need or care about my blessing. Not that I would've given it to them. I was furious and then so much happened. Veronica and Logan broke up, we found out who the killer was and then suddenly like a lightning the choices were given back to me when Veronica told me she was not my sister after all. Everything that happened that night changed everything in my life and it was a bit too much to take at once. Apparently everything changed with Veronica and Logan too and unfortunately not the way I would've wanted. So again when I came back to Neptune I found out that they were together and I didn't like it one bit. But now I had my choices back and there was no way I was going to let Logan keep my girl.

I could've let things be, stayed out of their relationship, but I just couldn't watch her love and be loved by someone else. I wanted that love back to me. I knew I could get to her, knew she wondered about the what-ifs from time to time, how could she not when the choice had been taken away from her by someone else. All it would take was a few carefully selected words here and there and my constant presence to remind her of the choices she now had. But working on her wasn't going to be enough, I had to get rid of Logan too. I knew that although she might have wondered how her life would be if things had turned out differently she loved Logan and really wanted to be with him. She wasn't wondering whether she should be with Logan or with me, she already was exactly where she wanted to be, in Logan's arms. She was happy and if I had been a good friend to them I would've been happy for them. I was not. If I had stayed away from her she wouldn't have come after me. And knowing that hurt like hell. I really don't know why because we had been apart for a long time and I had Meg in my life. It was like a disease, I could not stand that Logan had her and I wanted to have what they had.

Veronica wanted her life to be normal and safe and happy after the nightmare that was last year was finally over. She was done with life threatening situations. She didn't get all she wanted though because with Logan there usually comes some sort of problems too. Some that weren't actually his fault, like his father, and then some caused by his own stupidity, mainly the murder charge. When I got back to Neptune I could see that Veronica was already struggling a bit with all that but she loved Logan and she was going to help him get through it all. As long as Logan behaved and wouldn't draw any more trouble his way. I could also see she was the one thing keeping him sane and that he wanted nothing more than to give her the kind of happy life she deserved. But I didn't care. I was being ruthless, I admit it. A few subtle hints to Dick about getting even with the PCHers, so subtle that he would think the idea was his own, and soon Logan would be tempted to screw up so royally that Veronica would get really pissed off. Then I only had to wait for their tempers to flare and the brake-up would be inevitable. And once Logan was out of the picture softening Veronica was going to be so much easier. All I really had to do was be there for her and be everything Logan was not. Cool, safe, calm. It took a little longer than I had expected but eventually she caved and she was back being mine.

Now I have her back and she and Logan are back hating each other. I don't want to admit to myself that in reality I have gained nothing. Her passion is still with Logan, just like his is with her. They loved with passion and they hate with passion, there is no middle way with them. What we have is sweet and tender but I have to admit I wanted to take that passion away from Logan too. And now I am the one wondering if she really wants to be with me or does she dream about brown eyes and yellow X-Terras like I sometimes dream about Meg. Things between us are good and loving and I shouldn't complain because this is what I wanted. Sometimes I just can't help but think how I knew I had all of Meg but I can never have all of Veronica. There will always be a part of her life she doesn't want to include me in. She doesn't want me anywhere near her super-sleuth business. And no matter how hard I try to deny it a part of her will always belong to Logan and somehow I don't think anyone can take it away.

Veronica gives me no reason to be jealous. There are no longing looks after Logan, no slip-ups with words, no reservations with intimacy. She is nothing but devoted to me when we are together. And Logan is not trying to woo her back with sweet-talk and passing touches. They can hardly even be civil with each other and that open hostility worries me more than any smiles and nice words would. They may pretend there is nothing left between them but every angry word and taunt proves otherwise. The passion is still there and I'm left fearing the day when Veronica realises she can't or shouldn't live without the kind of passion she just can't find with me.

So what did I accomplish? I hurt Meg who had done nothing but love me. I destroyed Meg's and Veronica's friendship. I destroyed my friendship with Logan. I destroyed Veronica's and Logan's relationship as well as the trust and friendship they had started to build again from the scratch. I destroyed Logan's trust in people staying with him. But do I care? No, not really because I wanted her and I got what I wanted. Only that I really didn't. But at least I had a choice and I used it.

Fin