When Hellsing Freezes Over by AmberFox

(Yay! My first Hellsing fic! I don't own anyone, so don't sue me. If you did you would only get 30p from me. Anyway... This story is rated for sexual inuendo's and some pevertedness in further chapters. Hope you'll enjoy!)

Chapter 1 And So It Begins…

'No Alucard.' Integra said. Every night for the past week he had asked the same question. And every night she gave the same answer. She was beginning to get frustrated. If he asks one more time…

'I will have to ask you again tomorrow night…' Alucard said with a grin. (A/NPersistent, isn't he?) He liked to pester his master and knew she was beginning to waver to his demands. All he had to do was ask her again and again until that stubborn Hellsing pride of hers submitted.

Integra had enough of this! She stood up quickly and stormed towards the now deliriously happy vampire. He loved it when she lost her temper. She looked strangely beautiful when she was mad. She stopped half a foot away from him, only to prod him in the chest with her finger.

'Alucard!' said the now seething woman. 'There is no way in Hell I am going to do it! You can forget it!'

'I know you have had dreams about it. About us, doing It together. Give in, my master. You will feel a pleasure worth a thousand lifetimes.' Alucard said suggestively, making his grin wider.

Integra turned away, trying to hide her blush from him. She had dreamed about it (and other things…), but wasn't going to admit that. 'When pigs fly!' she said, crossing her arms and sticking out her chin stubbornly.

Suddenly the arguing couple heard a frightened squeal as a large pink object flew across the window.

They both looked out the windowsill in amazement as another pig flew by.

Followed by a deafening silence.

'Ok, that doesn't count.' Integra said as she watched another pig defied gravity.

'That was a pig, master,' Alucard said closing the gap between them. 'And if I'm not mistaken it was flying.' He smiled at her evilly.

'That doesn't matter; I still refuse to give into temptation.'

'I will have you, Integra. One way or another.'

'When Hell freezes over!' She yelled as she backed away from her servant.

All of a sudden the floor beneath them split in two as enormous flames shot up with a woosh. Alucard protected his master from the hellfire as it begun to rain fire and brimstone upon them. Just as quickly as the fire appeared a blizzard blew in, turning the inferno into a winter wonderland.

It took them a while to recover from this.

'Where the Hell did those flames come from!' Integra said as she examined one of the frozen columns of fire.

'From Hell I believe.' A stunned No Life King said behind her. Picking up an iced up sulphur ball he tossed it experimentally from one hand to the other. 'I believe Hell has gotten…' He thought for a moment. 'Colder since I last visited it.'

'That doesn't matter. I still won't do It!' She said, gathering up her composure. 'No matter how long you request I still won't do It! And even if I do It, It won't be with you!'

'Master…' Alucard warned but was cut off by the raving Ice Maiden.

'No! You can ask 'till the cows come home, I won't…'

'Mooooo!'

To everyone's surprise a small herd of cattle made its way through the courtyard as bewildered Hellsing troops ran from the possible stampede.

Integra and Alucard looked out the office window to see Seras usher the small herd past the window.

'Miss. Victoria! What is going on?' Walter said as he met the vampire shepherdess.

'Walter I found these cows on the Hellsing grounds. They have no brand on them, so they must belong to us.' Seras said as she steered a small calf with the others.

'The cows have come home.' Alucard said with a raised eyebrow as he witnessed some of the troops pet the livestock. 'Whatever you say is beginning to come true, Miss. Hellsing.'

'I don't believe this! This can't possibly be happening.' Integra said. She plonked down onto her chair and rubbed her eyes under her glasses. It didn't work; she could still see the animals in the courtyard.

'God seems to be agreeing with me.' Alucard said as he sat down on her desk. 'That's a first.'

'God has nothing to do with this.' She said as she swerved her chair and rested her arms on her desk. 'If God truly wanted us to do It…' she began sarcastically.

'Don't say it…'

'…then I will win the lottery.' Integra finished. A second later they heard a happy shout from the courtyard. It seemed that Seras had, indeed, won the lottery. But since she was dead she could not claim the prize and gave it to Walter to give to Integra.

'God…' Integera said resting her head on her arms with a sigh.

'Where do you expect the hellfire came from?' Her servant said as he gestured to the still frozen pillars of fire. 'It's not every day a crack in the ground reaching from Hell comes up and freezes over. Even in our line of work.'

'If that is true…' She said slowly. She stopped her sentence short as a bolt of insperation coursed through her. She then suddenly lifted her head to face her servant, an unnerving smile on her face.

(What has Integra turned Alucard into? Why is the Almighty setting proverbs to life? And what sick and twisted game will I play next! Find out in the next instalment, Soon! And remember, Tell me what you think of my fics, or I won't know how to improve them for your enjoyment.)