A.N. Okay, I own nothing but the plot, it's purely fanmade, rated T for a HUGE amount of innuendo and slightly graphic but not traumatising violence. And Leonardo being gay, like that bothers anyone. If you don't like any of these things, remove yourself from this page, and find something cleaner. Or dirtier, if you like. Otherwise, enjoy the story!
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The time is Rennaisance Italy. The place, Rome. Or more precisely, the workshop of one Leonardo Da Vinci. The people, a tall man with messy hair, a rougish smile and a large moses basket, a man who is arguably the greatest inventor of all time, currently trying not to say anything stupid, and the head of the local brotherhood of Assassins, who is wondering what his friend is letting them in for, and why.
"So, you'll do it?"
"Of course. I must serve my country, after all. Although I never thought I would do it in such a literal sense."
"Thank you, my friend. I must say, some of the things here are utterly ingenious."
"Oh, uh, you think so? Well, thank you very much!" Ezio Auditore De Firenze (What a great name) cut in.
"If you two have quite finished, Leonardo and I have some things to be getting on with."
"No we d-" he stopped, catching Ezio's expression, "Oh, yes, of course. Well, I shall do as you have asked, and feel free to drop in any time. Any time at all. After all, it's not every day one gets to meet the Great Roman Empire!" Rome laughed, and slapped Leonardo on the back.
"Oh, you are a fan! Well, I shall be delighted to talk to you again sometime. But I must go now. I arranged to meet a girl at the tavern earlier, and I mustn't stand her up! Good-bye!"
And with that, he left, leaving the inventor looking suddenly despondent and Ezio looking hugely puzzled.
"Okay, genius, two questions. One, why did you agree to this? And two, why so down?"
"Because it is my duty as a citizen, and I'm not down! I don't know what you're seeing..."
The assassin rolled his eyes, and looked into the moses basket. A tiny child, wrapped in white, looked out at him with large golden-brown eyes.
"This is our country? But it is so small and cute! And Italy is large, and horrible! I don't get it."
"So what's new? Look, you needn't worry about anything. I can take care of a child."
"What, with no woman to help you? See, this is why you need a lady in your life! You know, I could introduce you to a friend of mine who-"
"No thank you, Ezio. I do not want a girlfriend."
"Why not? They are great things to have."
"Women just don't interest me."
"What, you prefer machines? Strange man. But I shall respect your life choices."
They turned their attention once again to the child. He had climbed out of his basket and got into Leo's prototype flying machine, causing the inventor to panic. Ezio rolled his eyes, and picked him up.
"Right, can you talk?"
"Oh yes, mister hooded man! Grandpa says I'm very smart! Do you have any food?" The cold-blooded, revenge-thirsty killer carried the baby country through to the small kitchen, set him on the counter, and started to cook.
-*four months later*-
Ezio felt a tug on his sleeve, and looked down.
"Yes, Italy? What is it?"
"Papa? Why are those women wearing such strange dresses? Aren't they cold?" Italy looked up at Ezio curiously, pointing at a group of courtesans... Hell.
"Ah, they... They are women, Feliciano. They do things for all sorts of strange reasons. Maybe they think it makes them look pretty."
"Okay! Do you have a girlfriend, papa?"
"Uh, yes."
"Oooh. How did you do that? Girls are really strange."
"Ah. This one, I know. Firstly, you must find the right girl. You'll know when it happens. She makes your heart beat faster, and her voice will sound like music. She will look like an angel in human shape. Then, you must talk to her. Be nice, be polite, be cool, make her laugh. Then, ask her out. Take her to a nice place, buy her food and wine, and if you give her a compliment, and this is important, mean it. Don't tell every girl she is beautiful. Say what is special about her. Her hair, her eyes, her laugh, whatever. I once knew a girl who was a sweet, but nothing out of the ordinary, but for one thing. Her smile could put the sun to shame. So I didn't say she was stunning, because I would have lied and she would know. I told her she had a wonderful smile, and so I learned that smiling wasn't all her mouth was good at. Remember this, Ita- Oh. You're asleep."
Ezio smiled at the boy. He was so cute at times. But strange. Like when he had first referred to the assassin as papa, although that was a bit confusing. After all, Leonardo was acting as his father, right?
-*remembering!*-
"Here you go, bambino."
"Pastaaaa! Thank you papa!"
"No pro-eh? I'm not your father."
"But you act like it! You look after me and teach me things and make me pasta!"
"But what about Leonardo?"
"You both look after me!" The boy laughed happily, then turned his attention to the food.
-*back to now*-
"Ezio! Italy! I'm back, and I have money!"
"Oh, hey, Leo! You got the job?"
"Oh, yes! I will go back on Monday, and take my easel with me! And we can afford to eat at the finest restaurant in the city tonight!"
"Yay!"
"Leonardo, you know I have enough money for that anyway. Besides, we can't go together, especially not with the little one. It will look strange, and the guards will jump on me at the slightest thing."
"Aw, why can't we all go? I wanna be with both of you!" Italy stuck out his bottom lip and looked up at them.
"Because then it will look like Arty-face here is my boyfriend, which he isn't."
"But why do the guards care?"
"It's illegal for men to love other men, because it's against God's will."
"But I thought God wanted more love in the world?"
"Feliz... just eat your pasta." Leonardo rolled his eyes.
"Ezio, you're the biggest womanizer in the city. No-one will think we're together. So stop trying to be macho for once and let me buy us dinner."
"Hmmmph. Fine. But only because you asked nicely."
"Papa Leonardo? What's a womanizer?"
"...Someone who likes women a lot."
"Oh! Are you a womanizer too?" Ezio let out a snort of laughter.
"Leonardo? A womanizer? I don't think he's had s-uh, a girlfriend in his life!"
"Oh. Why not? Is he a man who loves other men?" Leonardo hid his face as his friend nearly doubled over with laughter.
"Well aren't you full of thoughts! Heh... No, he's as normal as you or me, little one. Now, I should be getting back to my hideo-um, house. Goodbye!"
"Bye-bye, papa Ezio!" Italy waved happily, and then turned to the inventor.
"Papa Leo?"
"Yes, Feli?"
"I don't think God would hate anyone for being in love. They must have read it wrong." And with that, he fell asleep.
-*lovingthelinebreaks*-
The food was good, the wine better. Ezio had brought Catarina with him, and Leonardo was having too good a day to complain. Italy, of course, was in seventh heaven with all the delicious food. Then there was a scream. A window shattered. A small troop of bandits, maybe six or seven total, burst in, one of which had a tattered and faded headscarf.
"Ciao, amicos. My name is Lanz. I will be killing you all today." He plucked a pair of knives from his belt, spnning them round his index fingers. Ezio rose, throwing a spread of knives. Each killed a bandit on the spot, leaving Lanz and the two nearest him.
"Leave now, or I will be forced to kill you." Ezio's hand went to his sword.
"Ha!" Lanz cackled. "You think you can take m-" A shot rang out. Lanz's right hand went to his throat. Blood leaked from the wound. His eyes dimmed as he fell. Leonardo tucked the pistol back into his jacket, watching the bandits flee, their leader defeated.
Italy looked up from his bowl. "What... happened?" Catarina, thinking fast, turned his head to face her, away from the bodies. Ezio stood up.
"Scusi..." He took the bodies outside, and explained the situation to a guard. He then returned to the table, where Leonardo was explaining how guns worked, and giving peaceful examples of how they'd be used, to Italy. Ezio sighed with relief. The kid had missed the whole thing. But would it happen again? And what if he got caught up in it? Is it possible to kill a country? Well, he knew one person that could tell them... But how to ask without making it sound like his precious grandson was in danger?
-*later! ZOMG*-
"You do it."
The inventor whined."But Ezioooo, I don't want to! He's intimidating!"
"He's not intimidating, I could take him any day- are you laughing? Stop laughing. I don't know what's so funny about the idea of me taking on the Roman Empire. I mean, he already fell, I'd have him on the ground in an instant... WHAT IS SO FUNNY?!" Leonardo was desperately trying not to giggle. Or think too hard about what he was laughing at... Daaaaaaamn... No! Bad Leo! He shook himself, and looked at Ezio.
"If you're so tough, you tell him."
"Hey, you're the one who's meant to be caring for him!"
"And you're the one who keeps getting us into dangerous situations!"
"You're the clever one, you're meant to be good with words!" And so on. From outside the room, crouching by the doorway, Catarina and Italy watched.
"Why are they fighting? Are they not friends?"
"Don't worry, bambino, it's just a lover's quarrel." Chibitalia's jaw dropped, and he said, loud enough for the men in question to hear, "Papa Leo and Papa Ezio are lovers!? But-but-but... Papa Ezio loves you!" He waved his arms, clearly distressed at the apparent collapse of Ezio and Catarina's relationship. Catarina burst out laughing, so hard she nearly fell over.
"No, no, I did not mean literally!" she gasped out, once the laughter had subsided.
"I only meant they were very close, and fighting as people who are close often do. Ezio does love me," she paused, looking up at Ezio, who had come to the door, "And I love him too." Italy smiled happily, and hugged her, before running over to hug Leonardo. Or his legs, at least.
"Papa Leo, you should get a girlfriend too! Then you won't need to argue with Papa Ezio, because you'll have her!" Leonardo laughed, and picked Italy up.
"Hush, Feliz. I don't want a girlfriend. Girls are too confusing anyway. Now, this workshop... That is my love. I love my machines, and my art. And I love my strange family. Now, I think it's time for you to go to bed, no?" They went upstairs, to Italy's little room. Ezio called up to them.
"You're still doing it, Leo!"
Catarina sighed, rubbing Ezio's shoulders. "I don't know what it is you are arguing about, but perhaps you should both do it? You work well together in most things, the brains and the brawn, no?" Ezio sighed. It was a good idea, but he really didn't want to go. And Leonardo didn't seem to be at his brainiest around that Rome character. Must be starstruck... More fool him, then. Swishing his silky hair around like a schoolgirl. Huh. He sighed again, this time because he'd become inadvertantly relaxed by Catarina's ministrations. The assassin turned and kissed her softly, then less so.
Dammit, Ezio...
"Mio dio! EZIO!" Leonardo yelled, coming down his stairs to find him curled up on the floor of the workshop, under a blanket and smiling in his sleep. Catarina had left a note on the table, simply saying "Sorry". This was no trouble for the inventor, skilled as he was at solving problems. This one was simple. He pulled of the blanket, and emptied the nearest jug of water on Ezio. He jumped to his feet, dripping wet and stark naked (woo!), and brandished the nearest thing to hand. Unfortunately, this was a ladle.
"Ezio, that is a ladle." confirmed Leonardo, looking at the ceiling and trying not to blush. Where the hell were his clothes?
"Now go and get dry and dressed, and for goodness sake don't let Felizio see you like that. Honestly, what is wrong with you? This is a workshop, my workshop in fact, and our son and myself are just upstairs! Honestly, you're an animal..." By this point he was mumbling half to himself, and Ezio had wandered off to find some clothes anyway.
"Bastardo... Right, breakfast. Bread, eggs, milk, gah!" The kitchen was... Well, the floor was covered in the bread, eggs, milk, and something which would be best described as squick. There was absolute frozen silence for perhaps ten seconds. Then...
"EZIO AUDITORE DE FIIIIREEENZE!"
DAMMIT EZIO!
Once the squick was thoroughly gone, and the breakfast was devoured, Ezio approached Leonardo (oo-er! Stop it.).
"Mio amico. I have thought it over, and think it would be for the best if we all went to see Roma. Maybe take the bambino too, have a family outing. After all, Catarina does say we make a good team, covering each other's weaknesses and such. Yes?" There was a thoughtful pause.
"I suppose it would be good to seem him again, and this way I don't take all the blame... Uh, I mean that sounds like an excellent idea, and of course Feliz will want to see his grandfather. Yes, good! We should set off today though, as I must be painting for the Medicis in two days. Is it worth packing a bag, or will it be a short trip, do you think? Wait... How would we find him?"
"I don't know, you're the clever one! And you're the one who talked to him for so long, swishing your hair and smiling like a simpleton... If I didn't know better, I'd say you were flirting." Leoardo raised an eyebrow, stubbornly refused to blush, and decided he'd ask Italy.
"Hey, Italia! Would you like to see your Grandpa?" Italy looked at Leonardo, wide-eyed.
"Yes, very much! Can we go soon?"
"Uh, of course! But... How would we find him?"
"Oh, he always turns up when you least expect him!" At that moment, the door burst open.
"Italia! Where is my grandson!" Ezio's jaw dropped. Leonardo straightened up (ironic) so fast he nearly upset a table.
"Hello Mr Roman Empire, sir! Uh, your grandson is right here!" He picked up Italy and thrust him at Rome. Italy waved his arms happily, trying to hug his grandfather. Ezio just stood there, trying to process the situation.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!"
"Oh, come on. I'm a country, I can tell when people are talking about me! Well, people close to me, anyway." Da Vinci's ears pricked up.
"So... We are, uh, close to you?" he asked, keeping his voice flat.
"Of course we are. We're looking after his son, remember?"
"Um... Ah, yes! My grandson, of course! That is our connection, and the reason I can tell when you're talking about me."
"Uh... Can you tell what people are thinking about you too?" Leonardo was suddenly looking a little worried.
"No, unfortunately. That would be cool! Especially with some of the ladies, when they get that look in their eye... Anyway, why did you want to see me?"
The men cursed internally. How to put this...
"Is it possible to kill a country like you would a human?" Leonardo blurted. Ezio cursed aloud this time, before covering his mouth when he remembered Italy.
"Only for a few days, then they come back to life. Although it makes the country itself a little worse for the time, and isn't any fun. Why?"
"I... Uh... IT'S ALL EZIO'S FAULT!" The shout woke Feli up, at which point he started demanding food. Rome handed him to Leo, and motioned for them to go to the kitchen, before clapping a hand on Ezio's shoulder.
"Ezio... I entrusted my Feliciano to your friend and not to you. Do you know why?"
"No sir..." the fear in his voice was well-hidden but still present. Rome was pretty intimidating when he got serious.
"Because I wanted to give him to you. But you live life dangerously, and I didn't want to expose him to that kind of thing so early. So I gave him to Leonardo, thinking he would see plenty of you but be safe. What I didn't expect was to you to become his second father. I suppose you like children more than I anticipated, but that's not that much of a surprise when I think about it. Although the way you two act is all Greek to me... But I suppose I am pleased. You may put him in danger, but you can get him out of it. I trust you, both of you. And I am so very proud..."
"I... Think I understand... For once... But one thing. Why did you want to give your grandson to me?"
"Well... Here's the thing. I wasn't going to tell you this, but I feel I should, as it will explain almost everything. Except some matters which confuse me too, but they're not important.
The thing is..."
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A.N. CLIFFHANGER, MOFOS! Yeah, sorry. But I like suspensing you guys. Although that may not be a word. Also, I am now about to indulge my bad habit of explaining a joke. When Rome says "it's all Greek to me", it not only refers to the phrase used when someone is talking about something you don't understand a word of (in my case, computers or cars), but also to the fact the Greeks famously thought highly of homosexuality. Cause lets face it, they act like a couple half the time. Not that it'd happen, because Ezio's straight, but it's fun to play with a bit. Especially when Leo calls Italy their son, although he hasn't caught on yet... ANYWAYYYY, tune in next time to find out what the thing is (knowing Rome, could be anything...). And, of course, what Feli and Leo are making in the kitchen while the drama unfolds. Reviews are beautiful things that make my day. And thanks to LeviJenkins13 for the fight scene! Love y'all for reading! TSOM out.