Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. I also do not intend to offend anyone in any way with this first person point of view. Enjoy...
Lullaby
It's dark. It's solid. It's nothing else but pitiful. Just look at this filth. It's the only type of place a true peasant would live in, not someone as royal as I am. Perhaps you're thinking I deserve this, don't you? Hmm…you might be right. All in a day's work for a fire prodigy. Then again, it's like I once said to my crew members: settle for the one that gives you mercy. In this case, I'm pretty sure I will have more mercy on you than anything else in the world. Based on quality of course. If I think you can be modified, I will modify you. Or it's the tides' turns to take over you.
I can see the fear in your eyes. You're a weakling, so soft and gushy. I almost marvel of how touchy you are. You can't handle this pain. But I can. Because I'm perfect. You're no match for me and you know it. You wouldn't even dare to converse with me this way if I wasn't so locked up. But don't worry. I'm not in the position to slam you against any rocky shore right now. Not that the tides have taken over to control my life or anything. My motives are different for the time being. Fear is something every mortal has on this earth. Except for me of course.
Back to my point, I'm generally not the one to describe something as pitiful as this prison cell. No one would expect me to go into writing mode by describing this cell using perky adjectives. Adjectives are nothing. But trust me when I say that perfection involves imperfection. They all can think I've lost my mind, but I am the only sane person on this earth. They can think what they want, but they will bow to me.
Why would I care, you ask, about this insignificant thing identified as a prison cell? Because you…yeah you with the fear in your eyes… you don't know me. Heck, even my own mother didn't know me as a matter of fact. She thought I was a monster. Not that she was wrong because I am a monster. At least the kind who could calculate things.
There's also this other reason. It's her. And don't you dare say you have no clue who I'm talking about because you do, you understand? I will have none of this nonsense from you. My mother. She was always a touchy subject for me. But I still don't want to talk about it. It's a shameful topic. I bet you're trying to get me to spill everything, aren't you? She hates me, and I hate her back. She never loved me. She loved Zuko. He was such a momma's boy, but that imbecile for a mother never gave me that chance. She thought of me as a ghost.
She would run away from me (not literally, but you should know what I mean if you want to live). And the thing is, do I? Should I? Would I? I can't help if she hated me all her life. She doesn't deserve to be banished…she deserves to bow down to me and tell me she loves me. She deserves to love me more than Zuko! That's her punishment for all her crimes. But it's not the same. It's never the same.
You were always weak, Mother. You envy me because I'm not. You think I'm a fragile doll who's lost her way, who's confused to choose between trust and fear. You know my answer is fear, but you try to change me, manipulate me like I'm your puppet. But I will show you I'm not. I don't think like other people. I have a sharp mind, a heart made of fire that is strong enough to burn you to the ground.
Don't you dare give me that look of sympathy, I'm warning you.
Let's change the subject, shall we? Why would I ask you anyway? It's my prison cell and I demand respect from you, you understand me? In this "special occasion" I will not fail to muse upon Zuzu. It's too bad he didn't get killed under my blow, thanks to that stupid water tribe peasant. He's probably making out with Mai again, talking about fruit tarts and roses and all that junk. Those traitors. And you thought I was going to go hungry after that Agni Kai in the first place. No one can beat Azula. Too bad it wasn't you under that lightning blast.
I bet this was how Iroh passed his time during his imprisonment other than building a sixteen pack and busting out of here- musing about stuff like this. I'll never forget when he escaped out of his prison during the Invasion. He didn't even deserve to live at that point. And now he's busy giving that Zuzu love advice. That oaf of an uncle who supposedly gave me crummy Ba Sing Se dolls at one point and threw me in the ocean to save his nephew. Acting so innocent as if he had nothing to do with how the world rebelled against me, huh? Hmph! That's his problem, not mine. Unlike him, I have dignity in what I did. Again, why? Because I plan things out perfectly. I'm a people person.
This prison cell and I have basically nothing in common. This place is for the rotten, not for royalty. At this point, you might as well go ahead and say that this prison cell represents me. Well, as far as being in one with rats and all the filthy creatures in the world, it's not necessarily what I consider truly "ugly." It helped me realize that the world only continues to be more and more horrible. Again, it's my motive as the soon-to-be Firelord to keep track of these things. That's right, you heard me say it. Firelord. Something called "drinking any imbecile's blood to escape from this death trap."
Curse Ozai, whom I considered to be my father. He is now nothing more than a disgusting old man. He failed in giving me the true power to the Fire Nation, and he is the sole reason why I'm locked up in this cell. While the eclipse passes on slowly outside, I'm stuck here counting every nasty bug that starts to crawl over to me. Not that the eclipse matters anymore since the Avatar took away my firebending. A prodigy like me doesn't deserve this.
I bet my father thinks of me as a monster as well. In a way, he and Mother are so much alike in realizing how horrid I can be. Only one parent used it to his advantage while the other confirmed I was a monster and abandoned me and my idiot of a brother. Father failed to realize that everything was perfectly fine under my control. If I could, maybe whacking him across his skull with a club would give me relief. Maybe I could use that same club to whack my mother. She hated me without understanding me. She deserves that whack in the head. Why am I thinking about her again? Just get out of my mind, you Ursa!
I know what you're thinking. You think I'm losing my mind from all this… this....power. This nostalgia. This misunderstanding with a woman who left me without a goodbye and who cared only for her precious little son. There is no misunderstanding. I know her motives. And don't forget that I can see the entire history in your eyes about how you, a worthless human being, have come begging to me for my story. Even you have crawled your way up here with that very same power to even look me in the eye as I say this. I guess you should take a mental note how I can manipulate things to my advantage. There's always something called a rebellion. I can take on the Avatar alone. I'm not a child; I can handle things my own way. But I must be cautious and patient.
"Azula?"
Who was that? Who said my name? Probably some stupid, inconsiderate fellow who dares to interrupt me with ration of prison food. But I know this voice. The voice that always irritates a royal princess like me. Ugh…It's her again. Who let her in? Who was that imbecile who let her in my prison cell?
"Here to see your daughter rot in prison? Oh! I'm sorry. I meant to say 'monster'. I'm sure it won't make a difference anyway because Azula and the monster are the same."
What? No answer? Come on, Mother. You got this far. Go ahead and say something to humiliate me. This woman enrages me.
She gives me that sad look again. Ha! Like she actually cares. I hate how bitter that word tastes in my mouth as I say it. I've never known her to care. Funny thing. I hate how I get the feeling she's just so overly concerned for me. Mark her carefully, you. Yeah you with the fear in your eyes.
She's coming up to me. She's sitting next to me. Do something, you! What's she going do? Say it in my face that she likes Zuko more than me? FINE THEN! I don't care! Why am I even perspiring right now?
"I've missed you, Azula."
She misses me?! Yeah, like I would believe that. She thinks I'm still that fragile doll.
"No you don't. You're here to mock me of my failure. You never cared."
She'd always sigh and sob like a little girl. Like she was the child who was lost and I was the mother who abandoned her. Huh! What a shame for her to come and visit someone as high in authority as I am. I always told her to leave me be and she did at one point. Now, she comes to me almost every day. Like she loves me so much. It was a relief every time I saw her evaporate in the corner of my eye. Today, I must experience that fair share again.
"I care more than you know." She says.
More than I know?! How dare she?! She has no right whatsoever to lie to me.
"NO! YOU DON'T! You fear me, that's what! You feel hatred towards me. You could kill me right now if you had the opportunity. Go all cuddly after Zuzu, will you? I would hate to gag right now, and apparently it would be gross for you to see a monster gag all over in this lowly prison cell."
I see her everywhere, all the time. She won't leave me alone. She doesn't tell me sob stories anymore. She talks to me about stupid nothings and tells me my favorite stories as a kid. She tells me all kinds of stuff, like one of our childhood memories. But I don't care! I NEVER cared! I don't care about any of this so why is she still here? She should be disappointed in me. But she's not.
"You're not a monster, Azula." She says with that sad frown.
Oh great, another weepy moment. And then she's smiling again. But that's not a smile. That's a sneer. A grimace. A gesture of insult that she's using to turn me down. But she does it so cleverly so I can believe it's a smile. Who're you fooling, Mother? Who am I to calculate such a thing like this? Why does she have to be so bipolar?
"I never said anything like that to my only daughter-"
"But you think of it." I say. "You and I both know I'm right. You hated me and you know it. You liked Zuko more than me. You always told him to never forget who he was. You gave him your final goodbye. You left for him. Him!"
I turn away. Her presence disgusts me. "You never did that for me. You never told me that." I mutter.
"This is all a misunderstanding, Azula. I loved you both equally. I left for both of you." I hear her say." For your own good."
"What good have you done?! You made me claw my way up to being Firelord until your son tossed me in here. We would have been the strongest team if it wasn't for you. Together we would have been history. And who is he now? A traitor to the Fire Nation, ironically the so called Firelord. All because of you!"
"Zuko is not a traitor. You have to learn to trust him for his actions." She puts her arm around me.
"Get off of me, you filthy woman!" I say. I jerk her arm away. She looks sad again. Like she
"Azula, it's not too late for you to change your ways."
"Who are you to say that? Why would you?" I demand her. "I'll tell you why. You're just saying that because you want to see me weak. You want me to rot. You want me to bow to you. It's your motive."
"Motives are meant for strategy. Not betrayal." She says.
But. I. Don't. Care. Her words are all lies. Filthy, vicious, useless lies. Lies that are only meant to crush people like cherry pits.
"Oh? Well you're not a teacher, so don't talk to me like I'm a little child. You should have just loved me for who I was instead of fearing me."
Isn't that what all mothers are supposed to do? Well not her. She's not a mother. She's an untouchable. A witch. A wicked old woman clawing for power like everyone else in this stupid palace. Don't you dare flash me that sympathetic glare. I warned you earlier.
I watch her. She's getting up to where I am. She's watching me. Get away from me! No, not you. You stay. If you leave my side I will thrust you into this hunk of metal and watch you bleed to death. Why is she looking at me? Don't look at me. Don't come near me with your smiles and insipid tenderness, Mother. You don't deserve to look me in the eye.
Where is it? Yeah, you with the fear. Where's your fear? Why aren't you fearing me?! I see pity and pity only. How dare you? You're not even afraid?!
I turn around and see her as clearly as broad daylight. Wasn't she just here a minute ago? How did she get there? As clearly as the sunlight that gave me back my firebending on the day of the eclipse. I won't let her leave. I must see her doom. And I must see your fear.
Someone comes now. Ugh, the light burns. It's odd, isn't it? How I am such a prodigy in firebending and I am the one to say something burns me. At least it's not like the shame and humiliation I faced when I lost to the Avatar's peasant girlfriend. I would've been the first ever Phoenix princess rather than just your ordinary "Fire Princess Azula." Why think of the past now? I can already hear the footsteps.
She's still here. She's looking at me with that same sympathy you look at me with. I will show you. I will prove to you that I'm not a caged beast who's going insane.
There she comes. That indolent prison servant. An old woman so to speak. There it is, that fear in her eyes. I see it.
"You!" I say. I rush over to her. I pin her down and jerk away the tray of food.
"Please let me go, Princess! I'm only here to…!"
"Shut up, you old woman. Just get her out of here!"
She looks at me like I'm crazy, too. "B-but I d-don't see anyone h-here, Princess-"
"I don't care. I see her quivering from afar, but I don't see that fear. I see concern. Get her out of here!"
This is all a mistake. A stupid, careless mistake. They all want me to rot. She wants me to rot. She's standing there. She's sobbing.
"Azula, please! Darling, be careful. You need to take it easy-"
"I'm not your darling. Don't call me that. Don't just stand there, you old servant! Take her away!"
"B-but I don't s-see anyone!" the servant says.
Lies. LIES EVERYWHERE. I see her right before my eyes.
"Fine! I'll take you out myself, Mother!"
I run. I hear my bare feet hitting the ground like my firebending once burned everything in its path. I jump at her. No. I lunge at her. I knock her down. I pull her hair; I grit my teeth and deliver her my best blows. But what's this? She's still looking at me sadly. She doesn't even seem to feel pain.
"Princess Azula! Please! Someone call the prison guards!"
"How dare you." I mutter. I give her another blow. She's still not moving. Suddenly, I don't see her anymore. Where is she? She deserves to die! For not trusting me. For not following me in my path of fear. For not loving me. Where is she?!
The guards are here. Those imbeciles, always interrupting me in the middle of my spar. They grab my hands.
"Not again, Azula." One says. "Guard, grab her other arm."
"Let me go, you heathens! And don't you address me as Azula. Princess Azula is more like it. You will not treat your future dictator this way. I'll show you. I must kill her."
"Who? The servant?" the other asks and laughs. How dare he laugh at me? How dare he snicker sinisterly at me? He will pay.
"You will be the first dead corpse after my future coronation! Let me go NOW!" I demand.
"Guards, take her to another cell. It seems she needs to be in deeper isolation."
Isolation?! That fool. I wriggle away from him and snake my arms around the servant's neck. This is all her fault. "Die, you old woman! You will pay for your crimes for calling the guards against Princess Azula."
"N-no! L-let…." She starts to choke. It's been so long since I've seen this sight. Let her rot like I did. Watch, you fearless person, you. Watch how I'm still sane. Where's that fear? I NEED TO SEE THAT FEAR!
"Hey! Let the woman go!"
I watch the servant gag. She must pay. But they didn't let me stay. They take me away. They toss me in another prison cell's wrath. One where not even the rats accompany me anymore. At least I'll be away from Mother. That's what I thought.
"You expected me to leave you, my dear?"
Until I see her again. And this time, I can't do anything. I see my eyes getting blurry from these tears. These stupid, unworthy tears that dare themselves to give away my weakness. These tears that discriminate my chances of being the supreme ruler of the world one day. I see her. I feel my tears. I smell the odor of dead rats and devilish creatures. And I see her.
"Everything's going to be alright." She sits next to me again. Get away from me. GET AWAY! You with the fear, why are you just standing there? Don't you dare break down from sympathy, you understand. I miss your fear. And I will do anything to see it in your eyes again.
I cry. I wail and bang my head against my chains and cry my royal heart out. But at the same time, I still laugh. I laugh and laugh so hard that I feel like I'm the happiest princess in the world. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I despise this feeling. Curse everything. I feel sleepy. I hate this sleep. I hate this world. I hate this prison cell. It's not the same. She's transforming me. She's casting her spell on me. She wants me to break down. But I won't, even though I already am. I won't surrender.
"Lie down, Azula. You're tired."
These tears, these insipid tears won't stop. What's happening to me? Why am I lying on her lap like a child? I'm not a child, I'm a princess. I should be ripping her head off, not depend on her. Why do I love this moment? You evil heart, stay evil. Don't you become weak like mother. And you, where's your fear? She will pay… She made me go insane. And now? This hallucination is taking over me. It's a wicked lullaby.
My eyes are closing. This isn't fair. She must pay….
"I love you, Azula. My darling daughter."
And for once, I force myself to believe that's true.
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