I couldn't think of a better title than this, and even though it sounds quite similar to the title of the fic I just posted a few days ago, they are completely separate stories and have nothing to do with each other. If I can come up with a better one, I'll change it.
This fic takes place in season 20, but Amanda is not pregnant. It will most likely be a two-shot.
I'm also working on a darker story that is an angst/hurt/comfort piece (and has nothing to do with Christmas), and I hope to have it posted fairly soon. I need to take a bit of a break from the fluff. :)
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"When I'm in your company, the world lights up like a Christmas tree."
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"Rollins, watch out!"
Amanda looks up just in time for a snowball to smack her right in the face, Noah's gleeful cackles ringing out through the frigid, blustery space as Jesse's delighted giggles join in and Olivia covers her mouth with her hand to smother a laugh. She gives a mock glare to their slush-covered group as she brushes bits of snow and ice from her jacket and hair, Frannie galloping in wild circles around her shivering body as if preparing to defend her owner against the next attack.
"Thanks for the warning, Benson," Amanda grumbles good-naturedly, shaking her head and grinning as Olivia merely shrugs and turns her palms upwards, like she is helpless to stop the barrage of snowballs that are continually being pelted by their rambunctious children.
They are playing in a park just down the street from Olivia's building, the clouds hanging heavily above them and the sky already darkening even though they haven't yet reached the dinner hour, a messy winter weather system moving in and beginning to blanket the city with large amounts of blinding snow. Amanda takes note of how cold the kids look, Jesse's teeth chattering and Noah wrapping his arms around himself for warmth, and suggests that they start heading back to Olivia's apartment before they all freeze, the older woman nodding in agreement and reaching out to take hold of a tiny mittened hand in each of her own.
"Amanda, I'm not sure if you're going to be able to make it over to Al's place in this nasty weather," Olivia comments with concern as they start their trek down the slippery sidewalk with careful, measured steps so nobody takes a tumble to the ground, everyone clutching onto each other tightly as they stumble along together. "I think it's just supposed to get worse as the night goes on."
Amanda looks up at the threatening sky and the blizzard that is now coming down harder upon them, before glancing over at Olivia and observing her lieutenant's childlike appearance with no small amount of amusement, the brunette pink-cheeked from their snowball fight, her brown eyes dancing with joy and strands of hair flying around her face in a whirlwind; realizing what a rarity it is to catch her boss in such a happy and carefree moment. "Yeah, you could be right," she murmurs in reply, feeling torn as she tries to decide what to do; not wanting to disappoint Al but knowing that Jesse will have much more fun with Noah.
It is Christmas Eve and Amanda's little family had been invited to spend the afternoon with Olivia and her son before heading to Al Pollack's fancy apartment for a festive dinner with all the trimmings, the doctor promising an evening of enjoyment for herself and her daughter, and grudgingly allowing Frannie to tag along as well. After breaking up due to Al's cheating ways and spending half a year apart, the older man had recently gotten in touch with Amanda again, claiming to have corrected his bad behavior and wanting to make a fresh start. She had been quite wary at first, still angry and unforgiving of the way he had treated her, but has gradually begun to change her mind over the past few months, spending more time with him when their crazy work schedules allow, and hesitantly accepting the invitation to spend Christmas Eve at his home.
She is unsure of exactly how to classify their complicated relationship at this point; whether they are just friends or have actually starting dating again, and prefers not think too deeply about the situation as they take it slow and keep things light, waiting to see what will ultimately happen between them. Amanda can feel Olivia's eyes resting on her as they wobble onward to their destination, privately admitting that she would rather spend the rest of Christmas Eve in the other woman's company instead of Al's, her heart warming while she listens to the exuberant commotion around her as Noah and Jesse are close to exploding with excitement over Santa's impending arrival.
Even though she hasn't mentioned anything negative and doesn't say much at all on the subject, Amanda suspects that Olivia doesn't quite approve of whatever it is she's doing with Al, swinging back and forth between a friendship and a deeper relationship as she tries to let events play out naturally. The friendship she shares with Olivia has grown by leaps and bounds over the past few years since giving birth to Jesse, and they are closer than they've ever been before, but Amanda knows there are certain lines that Olivia is reluctant to cross when it comes to asking probing questions about her personal life, since she is her superior at the precinct.
While she appreciates the older woman's efforts not to overstep her boundaries, especially since Olivia is aware of her reluctance to open up and discuss certain things of a more private nature, Amanda can't help but wish she would just come out and say what is on her mind sometimes. She is curious about Olivia's thoughts on the matter and wants to ask for her opinion on how she should proceed from here, a tiny part of her wondering if the brunette's disapproval is because of Al's prior bad behavior or because she is jealous.
Amanda can admit to herself that she has harbored feelings for Olivia that aren't so friendly since long before her arrival in New York nearly seven and a half years ago, but has continually pushed them down and tried to bury anything that strays beyond the limits of what a proper friendship should be. She has always assumed that Olivia can't possibly feel the same way for her and doesn't think she can handle the devastating rejection that is likely to follow if she ever works up the courage to reveal her secret, but for awhile now, Amanda has been getting some odd vibes and the impression that things are changing between them.
She doesn't know if she is looking for a connection that isn't there; is reading too much into a situation that doesn't even exist and is simply projecting her own hopes and dreams onto the way they have been interacting with each other lately, guessing that a relationship with her subordinate is just another line that Olivia won't cross. It simmers beneath the surface of every exchange she has with the older woman, however; whether they are at the precinct or having a playdate with the kids, Amanda occasionally letting her mind wander and entertaining thoughts of a future that will probably never happen.
"Wow, it's getting really bad out here," Olivia remarks with obvious worry in her tone when they have reached the brunette's building and are herding their hyper, windblown group into the lobby. "You know, Amanda, if it's not safe enough to drive to Al's, it's not safe to go home either. Both places are way too far to travel in this kind of weather. You and Jesse and Frannie are more than welcome to stay here for the night and celebrate Christmas with us."
Her announcement is met with loud cheers and whoops of joy from both Noah and Jesse, the kids leaping up and down while they all head for the elevators together, wet boots skidding across the ground as they slip and slide on the tiles in their enthusiasm. Frannie is a barking blur of soaked fur as she races in mad circles around everyone, Amanda and Olivia sharing simultaneous sighs and rolls of their eyes as they try to contain the elation that is bordering on obnoxious, and Amanda agreeing that it's probably best to just stay put instead of venturing back outdoors into the dangerous weather.
When they finally make it up to Olivia's apartment, Frannie immediately streaks from one room to the next as she eagerly investigates their surroundings, chunks of snow falling from her body to create a mess on the floors and carpets while the kids shriek with delight and chase after her without removing their boots first. Amanda slumps against the wall in exhaustion for a moment before taking off after the rampaging trio and gathering everyone in the entryway with Olivia's help, both women divesting Noah and Jesse of their outdoor clothing while trying their best to get Frannie cleaned up and prevent the mayhem from continuing.
"I'm so sorry about this, Liv," Amanda apologizes profusely when they are down on their hands and knees, wiping up puddles of mud and slush from the floor after getting the kids settled in front of the colorfully decorated tree with some holiday goodies. "You probably wish you hadn't invited us over so you could have a quiet, peaceful Christmas Eve with Noah instead of all this chaos."
"Are you kidding?" Olivia replies cheerfully, Amanda glancing over at the other woman in surprise when she hears the bright tone of voice rather than the weariness and regret that she has expected. "This might be complete chaos, but it's great. This is just what Noah needs, actually. It's usually just the two of us at Christmas, and it's wonderful but it's too quiet. We don't have any family to spend it with. A little chaos is okay sometimes, especially when it's all in good fun." There is a slight pause, a smile quirking Olivia's lips and Amanda feeling much better about the situation when the brunette adds softly, "And this is just what I need too."
"Okay, well, then I'm glad we're available to provide some Christmas shenanigans for you, Liv," she chuckles in relief as they follow the trail of snowy paw and boot prints around the floor with their towels, trying to make sure every last drop has disappeared. "Because I can guarantee there's more where that came from. Jesse has a better understanding of Santa Claus this year and I've never seen her this excited. And Frannie has been misbehaving like crazy lately, so we might have to return to obedience school after all these years."
Amanda abruptly stops what she is doing as a distressing thought occurs to her, feeling stricken as she sits back on her heels and lets out a string of curse words under her breath, making sure her daughter doesn't overhear what she is about to say. "Oh my god, Liv, all of Jesse's presents are back at my apartment! We weren't planning on staying overnight at Al's; we were going to go home and sleep in our own beds so Jesse didn't have to celebrate Christmas morning in a strange place. All of the presents are hiding in my closet. She's going to think Santa forgot about her when she wakes up in the morning and there's nothing for her to open."
Amanda is horrified to find herself on the verge of tears at this prospect, imagining Noah awakening to a mountain of gifts while Jesse has nothing, and she instantly feels a tender hand on her shoulder, Olivia's whispered voice sounding in her ear as the taller woman leans in close to her. "Don't worry about it, Amanda, it won't be a problem. I bought a few things for Jesse that I was going to give to her before you guys left for Al's place, so we can save those for the morning and switch some of the tags on Noah's gifts. I got him some Lego and other stuff that Jesse will probably enjoy too."
"No, Liv, I can't take presents away from your son," Amanda protests even as another wave of relief washes over her at Olivia's suggestion, so grateful for her generosity, although slightly aghast at the same time. "That doesn't seem fair."
"It's perfectly fine and he'll never even know the difference," Olivia answers soothingly, Amanda's shoulders slumping in pleasure when she feels her friend's fingers massaging the tight muscles in a circular pattern in an effort to get her to relax. "I went way overboard, like I usually do at this time of year, and I totally spoiled him. It's more than okay to share. I'm actually embarrassed at the amount of presents I bought for him, but I want to give Noah the childhood Christmases that I never got to have."
"You're a good mom, Liv," Amanda says softly, blinking away stubborn tears that linger on her lashes and refuse to dissipate, overwhelmed at Olivia's care and concern for her little family, and reminded that neither of their holidays had been ideal while growing up. "And you're a good friend too. Thank you so much."
They exchange gentle smiles, Amanda leaning briefly into Olivia's curvy figure when the older woman squeezes her shoulder and then wraps an arm around her ribs for a quick, sideways hug, inhaling the sweet scent of vanilla and wishing she could stay in the comforting embrace. Instead of rooting herself to floor and melting further into Olivia's body like she wants to, Amanda wipes a hand over her eyes and straightens up with the intention of calling Al and informing him of the change in plans.
As she rummages around the pockets of her winter coat in search of her phone, Amanda doesn't feel an ounce of disappointment that she is missing out on an evening spent with the doctor, glad the weather has taken a turn for the worse and and forcing them to stay right where they are. She throws a glance over her shoulder into Olivia's cozy living room to see the other woman bent down by the Christmas tree, sharing a laugh with the kids while Frannie sprawls beside them, and a feeling of warmth unfurls inside her chest because she knows they're exactly where they are supposed to be.
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The remainder of the evening is a swift descent into even further chaos as they all make dinner together in the kitchen, putting out milk and cookies for Santa and some vegetables for the reindeer before trying to get the kids settled down for the night in Noah's room, Jesse having to borrow a pair of his pajamas that are far too large for her. They had watched Christmas movies and constructed towering buildings out of blocks and listened to music, having an energetic dance party in front of the tree, until Amanda and Olivia were both breathless with fatigue but Noah and Jesse had showed no signs of slowing down.
Once they have both been both tucked in and are finally asleep after begging for multiple stories and the women taking turns reading, Noah snuggled up in his own bed and Jesse set up on an air mattress beside him, Amanda allows herself to slump gratefully onto the couch. Olivia is busily pulling colorfully wrapped presents from her closet to place under the tree, taking the time to change some of the name tags on the boxes so Jesse has something to open as well, but Amanda is too exhausted to even move and merely watches the older woman work, feeling a hint of guilt for not helping out.
"It's okay, don't get up," Olivia teases lightly as she turns to look at her with an arched eyebrow, Amanda groaning softly as the brunette continues to arrange the gifts with careful precision and Frannie sniffles around them like she is wondering if anything is for her.
"I'm sorry, Liv, but I'm toast," Amanda sighs as she scrubs her hands over her face and pulls a blanket off the back of the cushions to drape over her body. "This has been a great evening but I'm ready to call it a night."
"Mama, I'm thirsty!" a small female voice suddenly yells out from Noah's bedroom, Amanda listening to Olivia's chuckles as she sinks farther into the couch with another groan and pulls the blanket over her head.
"Looks like your night's not over quite yet," Olivia observes with a cheeky grin, Amanda sticking her tongue out at the lieutenant as she reluctantly tosses the blanket aside and slowly gets to her feet.
"Your daughter has more maturity than you do," the older woman snorts while Amanda strides away, playfully presenting her middle finger over her shoulder and snickering when she hears Olivia chastising her in response.
"The two of you are supposed to be asleep," Amanda whispers in admonishment when she enters Noah's room and sees both kids sitting up in their beds, the little boy holding a flashlight in his hand and waving it back and forth as bright rays bounce off the walls.
"We're staying up all night so we can see Santa Claus," Noah explains in a hushed tone, gesturing excitedly around the darkened space as if he expects the jolly fat man to appear at any second. "We're gonna catch him with the flashlight if he tries to sneak past us. It's too dark in here so it might be hard to see him."
"You most certainly are not," Amanda replies sternly, praying that neither child decides to creep out of bed and venture into the living room, only to have their beliefs shattered when they find out that 'Santa Claus' is actually Olivia Benson, and wishing the other woman hadn't started getting the gifts out so early. "Santa doesn't arrive until he knows the kids are fast asleep, so you can't stay up all night."
"You mean we won't get any presents if we don't go to sleep?" Noah confirms in a petulant tone, lower lip protruding in a pout and Jesse contributing her disapproval by letting out a high-pitched whine that has Amanda's ears ringing.
She simply shrugs her shoulders and raises her palms toward the ceiling, choosing not to verbally respond and letting her silence speak for itself, a wave of remorse overtaking her at the crestfallen expressions on their little faces, and feeling a bit mean-spirited during what is supposed to be a time of youthful anticipation. She heaves a contrite sigh and explains that she is sure there will be plenty of toys waiting under the Christmas tree in the morning, but that Santa would prefer they stay in bed and try to get some rest because he doesn't like to be spied on while distributing the gifts.
After reading one more story and providing several cups of water for each child, Amanda finally drags herself back out to the living room when they have both drifted off to sleep, colorful packages of all sizes piled high beneath the tree and Olivia sitting in a nearby chair with a tired but satisfied look on her face. "Well, that took a lot longer than I thought, but they're finally asleep after I talked them out of staying up to wait for Santa Claus."
Olivia gives an exhausted laugh and wobbles to her feet, thanking Amanda for taking care of the kids so she was able to finish setting out the presents, and motioning toward her room in an inviting manner. "We should probably head to bed now. I'm guessing Noah and Jesse will be up at the crack of dawn, so we need all the sleep we can get. You're welcome to share my bed with me, if you want to."
"Thanks, Liv, but I can stay on the couch," Amanda replies softly, the notion of cuddling up in bed next to Olivia filling her brain with some not-so-friendly images, her heart beating faster at the thought of tucking herself into the taller woman's side for the duration of the night and perhaps doing more than just sleeping.
"I think that spot has already been taken," Olivia points out with another laugh, gesturing toward Frannie who has stretched her furry body all the way across the cushions and is snoring peacefully.
"Wow, she's certainly made herself right at home," Amanda observes with a roll of her eyes, her hands planted on her hips as she gazes down at her snoozing pet with a shake of her head. "I'm surprised she even waited until I got off the couch before jumping up there and settling in."
"Well, she waited for about two whole seconds after you left," Olivia chuckles affectionately as she reaches over to stroke a hand through Frannie's fur. "She has the right idea, though. I want all three of you to feel at home here with Noah and I."
"I can sleep on the floor," Amanda offers quickly, not wanting to mention that she is starting to feel just a little bit too at home in this apartment, the Christmas Eve that she is sharing with Olivia and her son containing all the magic and fun and love that she had wished for as a child, but had gotten the complete opposite instead.
"Don't be ridiculous, you're a guest and guests don't sleep on the floor," Olivia scolds gently, Amanda feeling a tender arm hooked around her own as they begin to shuffle slowly to the master bedroom together. "My bed is more than big enough for the both of us, but if it makes you uncomfortable to share, then I'll be the one who sleeps on the floor, not you."
"No, Liv, you'll hurt your back," Amanda argues instantly, the thought of Olivia spending the night in pain or discomfort filling her with sadness after all of the kindness and generosity that has been shown to her family over the past several hours. "You're old-"
"What were you about to say?" Olivia interrupts with a sharp warning in her tone and eyebrows that are raised dangerously high on her forehead.
"I was just going to say that you're older than me, so maybe it's not such a good idea," Amanda continues sheepishly, her cheeks reddening at Olivia's offended expression.
"Well, it's probably best that we both share the bed, then, so your geriatric boss doesn't throw her back out just in time for Christmas," Olivia remarks wryly, Amanda rolling her eyes again and letting out a moan of exasperation.
"I didn't mean it that way, Liv. You're making me feel bad."
"Good," Olivia chortles as Amanda feels a gentle bump against her shoulder, the other woman's body lingering close to her own. "Now, come on, let's go settled in, if you're comfortable with that. I'm about to fall asleep on my feet here."
"Yeah, it's fine, I'm comfortable with it," Amanda assures her, trying to calm her racing heart as they enter Olivia's room and she gets a glimpse of the large bed they will be sharing for the night. "I just don't want to put you out any more than we already have. Jesse's staying in Noah's room and Frannie looks like she's moved in for the duration of the holidays. We've eaten your food and tracked snow through your apartment and you've given some of your son's gifts to my daughter. And now I have to borrow pajamas and a toothbrush, if you have an extra one. It's a little much, isn't it?"
"Not at all," Olivia answers with warmth infusing her voice as Amanda watches her dig through the dresser drawers for something she can sleep in. "Actually, it's been the perfect evening."
Now Amanda is the one with the raised eyebrows as she takes the nightwear that Olivia offers to her and turns away so they can both undress with a modicum of privacy, that same feeling of contentment unfurling inside her chest and delighted all over again at the severe state of the weather. If they have to be trapped somewhere on Christmas Eve, she can't think of any place she'd rather be, and finds Olivia's obvious happiness with the unexpected circumstances to be quite contagious. It is a joy for Amanda to witness her normally stressed-out lieutenant in a such a lighthearted mood, both of them finally able to relax and unwind and leave the craziness of the precinct behind for a short time while they focus on their children and enjoy the holiday season.
"So how did Al handle the news when you told him that you wouldn't be able to come over tonight?" Olivia asks as they climb into bed and arrange themselves side by side on the mattress, after taking turns in the bathroom to wash their faces and brush their teeth.
Amanda curls up beneath the covers and tries to ignore how right it feels to be tucking herself in next to the older woman instead of the man she is supposed to be making a fresh start with, the scent of Olivia's familiar vanilla perfume infusing the sheets. "He was disappointed but understanding. He just wanted Jesse and I to be safe," she replies in a somewhat absent tone, realizing she hasn't given Al a second thought since the phone call they had shared hours earlier and unable to work up even a hint of guilt about it.
"I have to admit that I'm glad you're here with me instead of him," Olivia says softly after a brief beat of silence, Amanda turning onto her side to gaze over at the brunette with curiosity and their eyes meeting in the darkness. "I've been worried about you."
"You have? Why?" she asks in surprise, reaching out to graze her fingertips over the sleeve of Olivia's pajama top and suddenly wanting to be in closer physical contact with her.
"I don't want you to get hurt again," Olivia whispers in a voice that has switched from tired cheer to uneasy concern, large brown eyes shimmering in the moonlight that is trickling through the gap in the curtains. "I don't want Jesse to get hurt either. I've been hesitant to mention anything because I know it's none of my business and it's an inappropriate topic to be bringing up, but I've just been thinking about it a lot and I couldn't hold it in anymore."
Amanda chews thoughtfully on the inside of her cheek, unable to come up with anything to say in response as her brain is whirling in such a frantic tornado of complex thoughts that she is having trouble piecing them together enough to continue with the conversation. She is suddenly feeling overwhelmed with emotion as she lays there next to the person she truly wants to be with, Al Pollack paling in comparison to Olivia Benson, but still unsure if the other woman's worry extends past the normal concerns that one would have for a friend who is going through some life major changes, and wondering if there is more that Olivia is choosing not bring up.
"I'm sorry if I've overstepped my boundaries," Olivia says quietly after staring at one another in the dark for a few seconds without speaking, Amanda blowing out a breath and a violent shiver running the length of her body as she contemplates all of the different ways this discussion could possibly go.
"Are you alright?" the older woman continues with a frown, shifting over on the mattress so their arms and legs are pressed firmly together, the trembling of Amanda's smaller form only increasing at the close proximity of the brunette, and everything that she yearns to say seemingly lodged into a tangled knot of nerves in the middle of her throat, unable to be released. "You're shaking."
"Yeah, I'm just cold. I haven't been able to get warm since we were out in the snow earlier." The lie tumbles easily from Amanda's tongue before she can stop it, and the fib couldn't be further from the truth as it actually feels like a flame has taken up residence in the pit of her stomach, the fire expanding outwards to engulf her entire body with an immense heat.
"You're still cold, even after working up a sweat from all that dancing we did with the kids?" Olivia sounds like she doesn't quite believe what Amanda is saying, but the light, teasing quality of her voice brings a slight amount of relief. "Those were some nice moves you were showing off out there, Rollins."
"Right back at ya, Benson." Amanda tries to inject some levity into her tone, unsure why she is so nervous about the subject of conversation that Olivia has broached, when this is exactly what she has been wanting for quite awhile now; for Olivia to actually speak her mind and tell her what she thinks.
"Wow, you really are cold. The entire bed is shaking," Olivia observes softly, their eyes still resting intently on each other, and Amanda swears that she can see a multitude of burning questions residing in those expressive dark orbs, just waiting to be let loose. "Come here, honey. Is it okay if I hold you for a minute? I can try to warm you up."
Amanda nods wordlessly and melts into Olivia's embrace when she feels a slight shift on the mattress and the comforting arms of her friend sliding around her quaking frame, ignoring the heat that is boiling within her and relishing in the closeness. They hold onto one another beneath the covers, Olivia leaning their entwined bodies back against the mountain of pillows and Amanda tucking her head into the older woman's neck as her mouth opens and the words finally begin to tumble out now they that aren't making eye contact.
"Liv, I know neither one of us had very good Christmases when we were kids," she whispers in a barely audible tone, feeling Olivia's arms tighten around her in response. "I know you went through hell with your mom, and my house was basically a war-zone during the holidays. My father would leave for days at a time to go gambling, and would return home to take it out on my mother after he lost all of our money. Kim and I spent as much time as possible hiding in our bedrooms and counting down the days until we could go back to school. I think we might have been the only kids who actually hated Christmas vacation."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Amanda." She feels a soft pair of lips being pressed to the crown of her head, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed as she tries to find the courage to continue.
"The Christmas Eve celebration that we just had with the kids..." Amanda trails off and clears her throat roughly, feeling Olivia give an encouraging squeeze to her hip. "Well, that's all I ever wanted when I was growing up and I think it's what you wanted too, Liv. We're both trying so hard to give Noah and Jesse the happy holidays that we never got to have when we were their age, and being here with all of you tonight, spending so much fun and crazy quality time together...it just seems right in way that it doesn't..."
Amanda gulps hard as she cuts herself off again, deciding to reach deep inside for the boldness that she knows is there, finally putting a voice to the secret she has been hiding for so long, terror and relief entwining together as the words spill from her mouth and she speaks the truth at last. "It just seems right in a way that it doesn't when I'm with Al."
Amanda feels Olivia's body freeze against her own, the older woman not verbally responding, and she is unable to interpret exactly what this reaction means but is gathering momentum now, determined to keep going as she adds another confession in a ragged whisper. "I don't want to get back together with him because he's not the one I have feelings for. I don't want to spend holidays with him or raise Jesse with him or snuggle in bed with him..."
Amanda inhales deeply, beads of sweat breaking out across her skin as her head spins dizzily and her heart pounds so wildly that she is sure Olivia can feel it, one final revelation slipping out before she falls silent and waits with bated breath. "I only want to do those things with you."
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*Song lyrics from The Tenors' "When We Are Together"