Without her
The first night after Marion had told him that she would stay in Halstead and become a nun, Robin didn't sleep at all. His friends had left late in the evening so they would arrive in Halstead early the next morning to say goodbye to Marion.
Robin didn't mind.
He didn't want to see anybody.
All day he had wandered aimlessly around Sherwood, running from her face, her words; but he couldn't escape.
"Let me live in your heart, Robin; but let me go."
No wound from a sword or an arrow had ever hurt as much as these words did.
Somehow he found his way to Herne's cave that night. With the vague hope that his father could help him, he went in. Herne awaited him, but he couldn't help.
"My son, you suffer. I can't help you. It was preordained."
Angrily Robin shouted at the forest god, "But why Marion, why her? If you knew what would happen, why didn't you tell me to get rid of Gulnar's creature? Why didn't we stay at the stone circle longer, why …?"
Herne only looked at him, but said nothing more. Robin turned and stumbled blindly out of the cave.
The next day he made a decision. Perhaps it would be better if he pretended Marion had died. If he could mourn her. He would say goodbye the outlaw way. With his bow and some specially prepared arrows he went to Dark Mere. There he lit a torch and put it in the ground. On it, he lit his arrows and shot one after the other into the lake.
When he turned his friends were behind him. They greeted him but refused to say goodbye to Marion the same way.
"She's not dead", Nasir said, "I won't pretend."
Much said, "Perhaps she'll come back one day."
Robin just turned away. Alone he ran back into the forest.
John wanted to follow him, but Will held him back.
"Leave 'im, John. 'e'll be alright."
Together, the outlaws went back to their camp.
X X X
Day had turned to evening. The merries sat, all unmerry, around the campfire. Will and John didn't even bother with their normal bickering.
Marion was missing.
Because of her they had come together again. Because of her they had stayed together. If Robin was the heart of their group, Marion was its soul.
Had been its soul.
A rustling had the men look up. Robin stood in front of them, deep shadows under his reddened eyes.
Tuck said gently, "Sit down, Robin. I made a stew."
Robin did as he was told. Tuck handed him a bowl of stew and a spoon; the other men helped themselves. They ate in silence; none of them felt like talking.
Robin ate nothing; he just stirred his bowl with his spoon. His eyes, usually sparkling, looked like dead.
At last he handed the bowl back to Tuck with a forced smile.
"Thank you, Tuck. It was really good."
Tuck gazed at his friend with a worried look.
The others watched Robin as well.
They were all terribly sad. A member of their gang, of their family, was gone. They all had to try to cope with that, and their leader's pain hurt them all the more.
Robin could stand their compassionate looks no longer. Abruptly he got up.
"I'm going to sleep; I'm tired."
As if on command all the outlaws got up and prepared their blankets. They said good night to one another.
But none of them really slept.
X X X
Robin, John, Nasir, Will, Tuck and Much lay in the darkness listening to the calming sounds of the forest at night.
Robin tried as he might not to think of Marion, but without success.
Every single leaf of every single tree whispered her name.
The bowl she used to eat from was there just as if she had never gone away.
He missed her warmth next to him.
Slowly a tear emerged from the corner of his eye.
The dam broke.
A new, strange sound mixed with the familiar sounds of the forest.
The outlaws lay still, listening to the heartbreaking sobs of their young leader. They realized he was trying to suppress his pain and any sound in order not to wake anybody. He failed.
His grief was almost unbearable for the men. How should they help him without hurting his pride?
Much would have dearly liked to cry along. Tuck looked from one to the other uneasily. Nasir moved his lips without making a sound. Perhaps he was praying to his god.
Finally Little John sat up to walk over to Robin. But Will stopped him. "Leave it. I'll do it", he whispered.
John growled, "I don't mind. But if you hurt him even more, I'll break your neck."
Will nodded earnestly. This one time he didn't let his temper get away with him. This was too serious for that. He got up, went over to Robin and crouched beside him.
Carefully and somewhat hesitantly he stretched out a hand, placing it on Robin's shoulder.
"When Elena died", Will began quietly, "I wanted to die as well. It was my fault after all, wasn't it? I ain't sent her away when these swine came. I should have died in her place. I've lay awake whole nights long, asking, screaming: Why, God, why? Why'd you take my wife from me? But God didn't answer. I've demanded, begged, sobbed, screamed.
No answer.
I've seen the same image before me again and again.
I've told myself a thousand times, if only I'd done this or this or that differently. A thousand different opportunities an' possibilities I didn't take.
I've tried to calm myself with hard work, then with ale. Night after night I got plastered; it didn't help at all.
Then I thought the pain might go away if I take revenge; so I searched an' killed the swine. It didn't help either.
They caught me an' put me in the dungeon. I didn't mind. Ev'ry moment I saw Elena's face. Ev'ry night in my sleep I was wi' 'er."
You could easily hear what it cost Scarlet to tell all this. He never talked about his feelings, nor of the past, his former life, his wife.
Will continued, slowly and hesitantly. "Along wi' the pain came the anger.
At first only the anger at the swine that did this to 'er, that took 'er from me.
That was when I became Scarlet.
Later I became angry with Elena, too. How dare she just creep away like that, leaving me alone? 'ow could she do this to me? I always thought she loved me! In the end I understood: She just ain't no choice. No choice at all."
Robin's sobs had become quieter as Will told his tale. Now he half got up on one elbow, turning to Will.
"Does it ever stop hurting?" he asked with a voice thick with tears.
For a moment Will's normal self came trough.
"Wha' do you ask me for? Wha' do I know? Elena's only been dead for six years."
"It never stops", Nasir said quietly, "but it gets easier as time passes. If not, it'll eat you alive."
Surprised, the outlaws looked at the Saracen, but Nasir spoke no more.
Robin grabbed Will's wrist. "Thank you, Will. I think I might return to my old self sometime. I just need time."
Scarlet nodded.
"Sleep, Robin."
He got up and returned to his own blankets. Much stared at him wide-eyed, Nasir nodded his approval. John, too, showed he approved by nodding. Tuck murmured, "Be blessed, Will Scarlet."
Will just nodded, lying down. He turned his back to his friends; he couldn't stand any company now. By telling his tale, he had opened up old wounds.
He prepared for a sleepless night.
He closed his eyes and was back with Elena, on their very last day.
X X X
None of the gang found much sleep that night. Robin fell asleep in the small hours of the morning only from pure exhaustion. But it was a fitful sleep, disturbed by nightmares.
The next morning brought the first taste of autumn. It was a wet and cloudy day.
Tuck tried hard to revive the fire to cook some herbal tea.
Much stole himself away to escape the brooding atmosphere.
Robin murmured something about shaving and disappeared in the direction of the stream. John wasn't quite sure if he wasn't about to cut his throat … somebody should watch him. But first there was something else on his mind.
He exchanged a look with Nasir, indicating with his head the direction that Robin had gone. The Saracen understood. He nodded, got up and followed Robin.
He wouldn't take his eyes off their leader, but at the same time be tactful enough not to disturb him.
John went over to Scarlet who sat on his blankets, tired and irritable.
He had spent a horrible night. Now he was ready to let his mood show towards anyone who got on his bad side.
Little John got him from a completely different angle.
"Will, listen", he said. "Last night you … you did very well. You and me, we got our problems, don't we? But I had no idea about the things you told Robin last night."
"Tha's none of your business anyway", Will growled. Then he sighed. "I've told the story once before. I thought it only fair to let Robin know, too."
"To whom?" asked John, surprised. Scarlet letting his feelings show once was amazing. Twice came close to a miracle.
"Marion. Shortly after Robin … Just before I went to Lichfield and she back to her father."
John remembered the time after Loxley's death well. It had been the darkest time for the outlaws. When they broke up he had thought it would be forever. Then Robin, Robert of Huntingdon, had come and had called them all together again. John only hoped that the times to come wouldn't be this dark again. What would they do if Robin gave up this live and went back to his father? They wouldn't be able to get along without him. It hadn't worked the first time; it wouldn't work this time either. He shook his head. They just wouldn't allow it to come to this.
X X X
Robin had gone to the stream planning to wash, shave and turn himself into something resembling a man again. But now he just sat there, staring at the water.
Marion.
If it hadn't been for her, he wouldn't have started this life in first place. He might as well still sit at Huntingdon now.
She was the key.
And now she was gone.
What good did it do being Robin Hood if she wasn't there?
No, this thought was absolutely forbidden. In every village in Sherwood and even in Nottingham there were people depending on him. Children who would starve without him. No, if there was one thing he didn't doubt, it was the significance of his task.
It just seemed to have become so difficult without Marion.
Robin sighed.
Silent like a cat somebody came towards him. Nasir. Only the Saracen was able to move this silently.
Nasir sat down next to Robin. Both stared out onto the water for some time without saying a word.
Then Nasir began, "Her name was Aysha. We loved each other very much. I wanted her to be my wife. But she was afraid. Because I am what I am. An assassin. She was afraid I would die. I wanted to go away with her but you can't just stop being an assassin. They would have tracked us to the end of the world."
Without looking at Nasir Robin asked, "What became of her?"
"She married another."
"And you just let her?"
"What should I have done? I could never hurt her. Her wish was sacred to me.
I left.
When the baron came I might even have welcomed him."
Nasir running from something? The notion seemed to make no sense whatsoever. Can a man run from his own heart?
Marion.
It was her wish to stay in Halstead.
Could he respect that wish?
Could he live with half a soul?
Robin thought about it.
He could.
He had to.
He didn't have to be happy with it, but he could respect her wish.
He wasn't the first man to be left by his woman.
Will had survived it; Nasir had survived it; he would survive as well.
He only wished it was as easily done as said.
Robin got up.
"Come on, Nasir. Time to go back to the others."
The Saracen looked at Robin questioningly. Then he got up as well.
Both knew that the loss of Marion would haunt Robin for a long time to come; perhaps for the rest of his life.
But maybe he could have a fresh start here.