Zero Nutritional Value
written by A. E. Stover
this version is not edited
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Takes place in the same universe as House of Uchiha.
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ZERO NUTRITIONAL VALUE
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Sasuke sat at the kitchen table with his son, a smart-mouthed six-year-old with a wild mass of curly dark hair. He was watching his teenage daughter make lunch while his son played freely with Terramaru, a plastic purple dinosaur that Sasuke believed his son should have outgrown a long time ago.
A cabinet door squeaked open, and Harumi stretched an arm to grab the canister of salt.
Kenzo stopped his adventures with Terramaru to check on his sister's cooking. He wrinkled his nose. "Mama doesn't use salt to make miso soup."
"Shut up, or you aren't getting any," came the sharp reply from the stove.
Kenzo, who would have made his lip quiver and his eyes water if "Mama" were here, twisted his face into a scowl and stuck his tongue out at his sister before going back to his dinosaur.
Sasuke made a mental note to inform his wife of their youngest son's interesting new development.
A startled cry from his daughter turned Sasuke's attention back to the stove.
The top of the salt canister had popped open, and a waterfall of salt was pouring into the pot. Just then, the electric tea kettle on the end of the counter screamed as it boiled and bubbled; Harumi had forgotten to switch on the auto. She scrambled to turn it off, but then the smell of charred food had her rushing back to the stove. She yanked the lid she had put on a stir-fry pan of yakisoba noodles and the burnt food sent a wave of hot, smoky steam into her face as a sharp, burnt odor wafted in the air.
Sasuke watched Harumi's shoulders droop as she placed the lid back down on the pan. He stood up, the chair scraping against the wooden floor. "Let's go out to eat," he suggested.
"…Sorry, Dad."
"It took your mother years to get the hang of it," Sasuke stated simply as he passed his daughter on the way to the hell. His son followed obediently, grasping his father's hand and crossing the small kitchen with Terramaru grasped tightly in his other hand.
At the doorway, Sasuke glanced behind him to see Harumi morosely poking a spoon at the pot full of wet salt. He patted his daughter's shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner. "You're doing a lot better than she did. Your mother burned our whole house down. That's why we had to move."
Harumi stared pensively into the pot for a few more seconds. Then she looked up at her father. "You're a liar," she said, though there was a bit of mirth in her words. Harumi clung onto his free arm and laughed. "I want ramen!"
"You had it last night."
"But it wasn't Ichiraku ramen!"
"You can't have ramen all the time."
"Why not?"
"It has no nutritional value."
"That's not true!"
Kenzo gave his sister a cheeky grin. "Then why are you still flat-chested?"
Before his daughter lunged at Kenzo, Sasuke quickly picked up his son and hoisted the child over his shoulder.
"You're dead, you little troll," Harumi hissed.
Kenzo craned his neck around to face his sister. He stuck out his tongue and blew a wet raspberry in her face.
Harumi gave a disgusted cry, wiping her face with a sleeve. Then, she grabbed the plastic toy from her brother's hands and ran out the door.
"Terramaru!" Kenzo squirmed in his father's hold until he could slip free. "Come back with Terramaru, you witch!" he cried as he chased after his sister.
Sasuke rubbed as his temples and sighed heavily. He supposed take-out was fine. Certainly Sakura wouldn't kill him for feeding his kids greasy fast-food two days in a row. For now, Sasuke would make a call for pizza.
As he waited for the call to connect, he heard another voice — his eldest son, whom Sasuke had forgotten was still here — from the kitchen.
"Why is there a pot of salt on the stove? And who burned all this food? Dad, was this you?"
Sasuke wondered if it was too late to re-join ANBU.
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AUTHOR'S NOTES
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THE CHILDREN:
Uchiha Kaname, 18. Born in Konoha; civilian status./span
Uchiha Harumi, 16. Born in Konoha, jounin status.
Uchiha Kenzo, 6. Born in Suna, academy student.
THE PARENTS:
Uchiha Sasuke, 38. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; Konoha Intel Division.
Haruno Sakura, 37. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; former academy instructor; Konoha head surgeon.
RELATIVES:
Uchiha Itachi, 46. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; academy instructor; Uchiha representative.
Uchiha Shisui, 48. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; Konoha Intel Division.
FAMILY FRIENDS:
Uzumaki Naruto, 38. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; former academy instructor; Rokudaime Hokage.
Sai, 38. Born in Konoha; former ROOT; genin instructor.
Hatake Kakashi, 51. Born in Konoha; former ANBU; former genin instructor; Konoha shinobi delegate.