He Took a Flower in its Prime
"Harley, you've got a letter," said Dr. Joan Leland, entering the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum and handing Harley Quinn an envelope.
"Thanks, Joan – just add it to the pile," said Harley, not looking up from the table covered with similar envelopes.
Dr. Leland stared at her. "Should I even bother to ask what you're doing?" she said.
"Answering my letters," replied Harley, still not looking up.
"From fans?" asked Poison Ivy, turning away from the TV. "I bet I've got more than you."
"Not from fans, Red – from clients," retorted Harley.
"You've set up a business?" asked Dr. Leland.
"Sorta," replied Harley, looking up last. "I've started up a relationship advice service."
Dr. Leland and Ivy shared a look. "You're giving out relationship advice?" said Ivy, incredulously.
"Uh huh," said Harley, reaching for another envelope. "A lotta people out there have problems with their relationships, and I thought I'd try to help them out. Y'know, since I'm one of lucky ones who's in a real happy, steady relationship with a great guy. I just thought I'd pass on some tips and wisdom to people who are less fortunate."
They continued to stare at her. Dr. Leland sighed heavily at last. "I really shouldn't be surprised by the actions of the insane anymore," she muttered, heading for the door.
"Well, Harley gives all of us a bad name," retorted Ivy, turning her attention back to the TV.
"I'm trying to be nice!" snapped Harley. "Some of these people have real problems, Red!"
"Don't get me wrong - I don't have any love of humanity," retorted Ivy. "But if you really cared about people, Harl, you wouldn't go around killing randomers with your boyfriend whenever he feels the urge to murder every five minutes! How many relationships do you think you've ruined that way?!"
"That's completely different!" snapped Harley, grabbing another letter and opening it. "Except here," she snapped. "Dear Harley, You and the Joker killed my fiance in a robbery last year. He was my one true love and I will never forgive you for ruining my life…blah, blah, blah, Jesus, get over it already!" she muttered, tossing the letter over her shoulder.
She reached for another one. "See here? I can answer this one! Dear Harley, I've been dating this guy for five years now. He's really great, but everytime I want to talk about where our relationship is going, he shuts me out and changes the subject. How can I get my boyfriend to commit? Sincerely, Abby. Dear Abby," said Harley, picking up her pen and beginning to write. "Have you tried getting him into Arkham? It's the best way I know to get someone committed! Ha ha – smiley face. Seriously though, I've been where you are. It's hard to get men to commit to a relationship sometimes. I guess my advice would be…uh…"
She trailed off. "Red, any advice for how to get a guy to commit?"
"Castrate them," Ivy retorted.
"Any real advice?" sighed Harley.
"That was real advice," she replied. "It takes away their urge to roam."
"Any less extreme real advice?" she asked. "C'mon, Red, you've been with lots of guys!"
"None of them have been committed," retorted Ivy. "Hence why I'm still free and single. I think men are just biologically incapable of commitment."
"Well, that's not true," said Harley, firmly. "Mr. J's committed for life. And Johnny, you've been in a real committed relationship with Jervis for a long time now, haven't you?"
"I beg your pardon?" snapped Jonathan Crane, looking up from his book.
"You and Jervis," said Harley, smiling at him. "You've been together a lotta years now. I think it's really sweet. How did you get him to commit to you initially though?"
"We're not a couple!" shouted Crane.
"Really? You sure act like one," said Harley.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.
"Yes, I don't see that at all," spoke up Jervis Tetch, who frowned suddenly and picked a piece of lint off Crane's uniform.
"See, like that!" said Harley. "You do couple things!"
"Just because two people share a close friendship for many years doesn't mean they're in a relationship!" retorted Crane. "That's a terribly offensive thing to presume! Do people think you and Ivy are in a relationship?"
"Some people do," admitted Harley.
"Men, mostly," muttered Ivy. "There's a surprise."
"Well, people are idiots!" snapped Crane. "Jervis and I are not a couple – we're both in love with women!"
"Yeah? Who are you in love with, Johnny?" asked Harley.
He stared at her. "Just…a woman," he snapped. "And that's all I'd care to say on the subject."
"What have you done to your uniform, Jonathan?" asked Tetch, frowning as he noticed another stray piece of lint. "You simply must take better care of your things…"
"Stop doing that!" snapped Crane as Tetch brushed off the lint. He stood up. "I'm going to my cell," he muttered.
"Tea's at six!" called Tetch after him. "Don't be late!"
"Yes, I won't – stop nagging me!" retorted Crane. "That's all you ever do anymore, Jervis!"
"Well, forgive me for making tea for you!" sniffed Tetch. "You aren't grateful for anything I do, Jonathan! It wouldn't kill you to say thank you once in a while! It's nice to feel appreciated, you know!"
The door to Crane's cell slammed and Tetch sighed, returning to his book. "He didn't used to be like this," he muttered. "I don't know what's gotten into him lately."
"Aw, don't feel bad, Jervis," said Harley. "Mr. J gets in bad moods and snaps at me all the time! But you two can work it out if you really love each other."
"Believe me, my dear, as much as it would make both our lives simpler if we were in love with each other, sadly we both yearn for a lady we cannot have," sighed Tetch. "Call it the bitter jest of fate, if you will."
"Did somebody say jest?" asked the Joker, entering the room and smiling.
"Yeah, Jervis was just saying how it's sad that he and Johnny ain't gay, since it would solve their whole unrequited love problem," said Harley, nodding.
"Being gay would solve all my problems too," agreed Ivy. "It would mean I'd never have to deal with another man ever again."
"You saying all your problems involve men?" asked Joker. "I admit my main one does, but what a man!" he sighed.
"Speaking of being gay," muttered Ivy.
"Mr. J ain't gay!" snapped Harley. "He and I have got a fantastic relationship, which is why I'm qualified to give other people relationship advice! Though I really ain't sure how to answer this one," she sighed. "Mr. J, how do you make a guy commit?"
"Stick 'em in Arkham!" chuckled Joker.
"I already made that joke," retorted Harley.
"Really?" said Joker, frowning. "I don't like that – it means we're doing that couple thing of being predictable and finishing each other's sentences."
"Jonathan and I don't do that," sniffed Tetch. "He can't even quote half of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."
"How to make a guy commit," said Joker, thoughtfully. "I guess you gotta cause trouble and set traps to kill him night after night, and he'll keep walking right into them. Can't resist, for some reason. He'll never leave as long as you keep doing that. True love if I ever saw it!" he chuckled.
"I guess that works," sighed Harley. "Make a guy commit by setting up traps to kill him," she wrote. "Best wishes, Harley. Next one," she said, reaching for another envelope. "Dear Harley, My husband and I have a great relationship, but lately the spark seems to have gone out of our sex lives. Any advice for spicing things up in the bedroom? Sincerely, Erika. Now this one I can do! Dear Erika," she wrote. "Have you ever tried using gag items during intercourse? I really recommend the whoopie cushion…"
"Ok, if you're gonna continue thinking out loud, I'm going back to my cell," interrupted Ivy, standing up.
"Hang on, Pammie, one of these is addressed to you," said Joker, who had been going through the envelopes.
"Me?" said Ivy, puzzled. "Who would be writing to me?"
"I dunno," said Joker, squinting at the return address. "Jason…somebody? Jason Wood…Jesus, he's got terrible handwriting. Figures, says he's a doctor. Dr. Jason Woodrue, I think it says?"
A strange thing happened to Ivy at the mention of that name. All the color instantly drained from her face, and she went completely rigid, frozen to the spot. "W…what?" she gasped. "J…Jason Woodrue?"
"I think that's what it says," said Joker, tossing the sealed envelope at her. She leapt away from it as if it was a bomb. "What the hell's the matter with you?" asked Joker.
"Yeah, you ok, Red?" said Harley, concerned by Ivy's reaction. She had never seen her friend like this. She looked absolutely terrified as she cowered behind the sofa, staring at the letter and shaking.
"I…I…I…just need…some time alone," she gasped, racing toward the door.
"Well, take the letter with you!" snapped Joker.
"N…no…I…I don't wanna read it!" she shrieked. She ran into Two-Face on her way out of the Rec Room.
"Morning, Pam…" he began.
"Outta my way, Harvey!" she gasped, shoving him aside and running back to her cell as if Batman himself was chasing her.
Two-Face stared after her. "What's all that about?" he asked.
"I dunno," said Harley, bending down to pick up the letter. "She just went nuts when Mr. J showed her this envelope," she said, handing it to Two-Face.
"A lunatic going nuts - fancy that!" chuckled Joker. "Not the most unusual thing in the world, is it? Next thing you know, Batman might start beating up criminals!"
"Yeah, but panicking like that's really unlike Red," said Harley. "I've never seen her scared before. And she was super terrified. Like Johnny's fear gas level terrified."
Two-Face read the return address, and his jaw tightened. "Yeah…I can see why," he muttered, crushing it slowly in his hand. "This guy Jason Woodrue is…an ex of hers."
"Well, so are you, but she don't run like a scared rabbit when she sees you!" chuckled Joker. "That'd be hilarious though!"
"This ain't a joke, J!" snapped Two-Face. He took a deep breath. "You gotta promise not to tell anyone but…this guy Woodrue, he's…he's the reason she's the way she is…with the plants. He experimented on her."
Harley stared at him. "And she let him?" she said, astonished. "That don't sound like Red!"
"Like I said, he's the reason she's the way she is," growled Two-Face. "About men as well as plants."
He turned and followed Ivy down the hall back to her cell. She was curled up in the corner, shaking and choking back sobs. "Pammie," he said, gently. "You can't run from this."
"I don't wanna read anything he has to say to me!" she shrieked, raising a tear-stained face that was half-furious and half-terrified. "I don't wanna have anything more to do with him, ever! I wish he was dead!"
"But he ain't dead, Pammie," said Two-Face, gently. "He's tried to get in contact with you. God knows I don't feel any more friendly toward the guy than you do, but at least see what he says and go from there. You're strong enough to face this."
"Of course I am!" she snapped, seizing the letter from him. "I'm stronger than any man, and I'm not scared of any man! And certainly not of anything he has to say to me…"
She trailed off as she read the letter. Then she crumpled it up, burying her face in her hands. "He…he wants to see me," she murmured. "He wants to come here, to Arkham, and see me in a controlled environment."
She raised her tearful eyes to Two-Face. "Why?" she whispered. "Why would he want to do that?"
"I dunno," he murmured. "Maybe he wants to apologize."
She laughed scornfully. "You don't know Jason, Harvey. He's never said sorry in his life."
"You gonna see him?" he asked.
She nodded slowly. "Yes," she murmured. "Yes, I want him to see me. I want him to see what I've become, without his help."
She held out a hand and one of the plants in her cell trailed down, wrapping itself lovingly around her arm. "He wanted to make me into his pet project," she muttered. "But I've become much more powerful than that. My babies and I are so strong now…so strong…"
The plant trailed up around her neck, nuzzling her face. "The bad man can't hurt us anymore, babies," she whispered. "Don't worry. I won't let the bad man hurt us anymore."
Two-Face nodded. "Well, if you want any…y'know…human help, I'm here for moral support. And so is Harley and…probably not J, but two outta three ain't bad."
She smiled. "Thank you, Harvey," she whispered. "I really appreciate that. But this is one enemy I've gotta face on my own."
He nodded again, leaving her alone. "And I really hope I can survive it," she whispered, shutting her eyes and letting her tears fall.