Monday
Week 01
4.00 am
Everyone is asleep, except for a certain someone who has gone out for his secret daily fag.
"Hey!" Says a shifty Jaken as he sees the cameras turn on him, "Piss off, would ya?" Jaken appears to be having trouble holding the cigarettes in his mouth, as frankly, he has no lips. After a time he seems to realise this and gives up in disgust.
Smokin' toad
4.10 am
Grumblings from a nearby tree and also the kitchen signify that both Inuyasha and Naraku are awake. Since the eviction of Kaede, Naraku appears to have become more paternal, and has woken at 4.10 every day to cook waffles for the cast. Kikyou appears to enjoy these considerably. Naraku's tongue hangs out of his mouth slightly as he works. He is not wearing his makeup yet and bears a striking resemblance to Paul Hogan.
4.20 am
Big Buttocks calls Inuyasha to the living room... Big Buttocks appears to have had a late night out, and asks Inuyasha grumpily why he doesn't use the house toilets, opting instead to complete his toiletries behind a tree and directly in front of camera 5b. Inuyasha's incomprehensible reply comes out rather like...
"Whydontyagotofhellgrummutkagomefoffyoubastard I'llpeewhereibloodylikebloodypervertgrumblehanyouKikyousnot."
Big Buttocks gives a punishment to Inuyasha- he is to supervise Shippou's daily bath. Inuyasha smashes camera 6a and is heard to curse into his microphone as he goes outside to dig a hole for "No frickin' reason you bloody pervert!"
5.20 am
Naraku has been ordered to put his tongue back in his mouth for fear it will drop off. Inuyasha has fallen into his hole. "I friggin forgot it was there!"
9.00 am
It's breakfast time for the cast. "These are… nice," Says a menstrual Kikyou as she eats Naraku's offering of "Toasty warm scrummy waffles hot from the oven, just for you, my poppet!" The cast sit in silence as they eat, tired from a stressful night concerning Kikyou. Big Buttocks reads the weather forecast to them as they eat, and cracks the occasional lame joke. Big Buttocks also enquires about Sesshoumaru's health. His refusal to eat human food means that he hasn't eaten since the start of the program. Rin's absence is also concerning Big Buttocks. Sesshoumaru is in the bathroom in front of camera 7a, beginning his three-hour routine of grooming. "Do I look lovely this morning?" He asks the camera as he applies globs of mascara to his unnaturally long lashes.
Naraku's parental skills come into play
9.30 am
Kouga asks Kagome to take a swim with him. An enraged Inuyasha can't do anything about it, as he's on SBD, or 'Shippou Bath Duty'. The cast prefer to refer to it as "Shippou's Bum's Dirty" or "Stupid Bloody Diarrhoea" (courtesy of Inuyasha). Kikyou fixes him with an evil look and asks him what is so wrong with SBD. After all, he hates swimming and he never did it with her. Miroku chooses that moment to enter the room and Kikyou is the victim of a bad end to a sentence. Inuyasha is called to SBD.
10.00 am
Water trickles from underneath the door of bathroom two, and Kagome anxiously knocks on the door. "You're not drowning him in there, are you Inuyasha?" She can hear sounds of splashing, shrieks, frequent "Get in there you little censored!" and less frequent "Kitsune-Bi!" The camera in the bathroom has not worked ever since Sesshoumaru decided to give a rendition of Antonin Dvorak's Rusalka in bathroom two because "It has good acoustics.".
10.05 am
Miroku turns up to bathroom two, grumbling about needing a piss. He looks up and sees an anxious Kagome wringing her hands outside the door. "Ah, Kagome-sama," Miroku says, ever the gentleman. "No chance of me using this bathroom? Are you first in the queue? Sesshoumaru's in bathroom one, you see." Kagome explains the situation to Miroku who concedes defeat and decides to release the contents of his bladder in the garden, ironically in the favourite spot of Inuyasha. The producers of Big Buttocks decide to relocate camera 5b. Miroku decides to wash himself using the hose. Naraku finishes washing up and starts on the ironing. Sango creeps into the garden, and hides in the fern next to camera 5b. This belies her statements on the confession cam, where she continually denies any romantic feelings towards the houshi.
Viewers are reminded of the Tabcorp betting line-
Call 1800 239 439 to bet that Sango and Miroku will get together during the filming of Big Buttocks
Call 1800 239 432 to bet that Sango and Miroku won't get together during the filming of Big Buttocks
The queue for the bathroom increases.
10.30 am
"Kitsune-bi! HELP!"
"Sankon Tetsu-"
"OSUWARI!"
11.00 am
Shippou sits shivering on a table while Kagome dries him with a towel. Shippou askes Big Buttocks if he can file a harassment case against Inuyasha. Big Buttocks states that it's beyond his jurisdiction. Shippou says Big Buttocks is incompetent and Big Buttocks bursts into tears. Inuyasha retreats to the kitchen where he finds Kikyou stuffing herself with Kagome's supply of hot chocolate. "Well, I have got my period and we are the same person…"
Someone is caught in the act
12.00 pm
It's lunchtime, and there is no lunch on the table. Sesshoumaru has completed his beauty routine, and floats outside with Jaken at his heels for his daily wistful gaze at the sky. "Where's Naraku?" Demands Kikyou at the same time Miroku discovers that the bedroom door is locked.
"I'm not coming out!" Squeals Naraku.
"Why is he in there?" Asks Sango, as Inuyasha threatens to bash the door down if he doesn't come out and cook lunch.
"No! I don't want to. I'm having a break!" Naraku's voice is extremely high and squeaky.
"Just tell us what's wrong!" Kagome says kindly through the door.
"I'm only talking to Kikyou," Wheedles Naraku. Kikyou arrives. "What is it? I'm hungry."
"It's my transformation cycle," Cries Naraku, "Every time Gardening Australia is repeated on the ABC I transform for twenty four hours."
"What do you turn into?" Asks Kikyou. "A furry grapefruit," Naraku squeaks and bursts into heartfelt sobs. Big Buttocks viewers are reminded that video footage of this amazing transformation is available on the Big Buttocks website.
12.30 pm
Even Kikyou can't persuade Naraku to come out of the bedroom, so the cast are forced to make their own lunch, and also must set up the couches so they have somewhere to sleep. It turns out that there are only three couches that can be turned into double beds. Kouga and Inuyasha volunteer to sleep outside, and Sesshoumaru stakes out the velvet couch. Miroku volunteers to share a bed with Sango, but she would rather share a double bed with Kikyou and Kagome, with Shippou and Jaken if really necessary. Miroku is disappointed, but the opportunity to sleep single in a double bed is too good to miss. Inuyasha realises he's never had to make food for himself in his life and retreats outside in a filthy mood. Kikyou decides to sleep in the bath.
1.00 pm
Naraku finds a potato in the bedroom, and tells it his life story. The potato remains obstinately silent.
2.00 pm
Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room. Big Buttocks announces that it is now daylight savings, and the time now should actually be 4.00. Kikyou asks Naraku through the door if this means he now only has 20 hours of his transformation left. Naraku tells Kikyou to get lost; he's trying to chat up the potato. Naraku asks the potato if it hurt when it fell out of heaven. The potato grows mould spontaneously.
4.30 pm
Confession cam time.
Shippou- "That bastard Inuyasha, I'm gonna vote him off next time!"
Kagome- "Inuyasha can be cruel sometimes, but he still has a good heart…I suppose he just needs somebody to teach him how to be gentle…"
Naraku- Naraku was absent from confession cam. He will be punished.
Sango- "I don't like Miroku. I don't find him attractive. Honest!"
Inuyasha- "Why they make us go in this room, I have no friggin idea."
Inuyasha has never really understood the point of confession cam. In fact, Inuyasha doesn't even know he is being filmed.
Jaken- "I just want some caffeine. They have no caffeine in this goddamn place. A fag. Coffee. Anything. Please! I'll do anything!
Kouga- "Kagome's my woman. Got that? And I'll take that dog turd to the peak of pain just to prove it!
Miroku- "Times in this place are growing more interesting every day. I think someone will crack under the pressure eventually. It's a shame about tonight, though, as Sango grows more beautiful every day. One day I'll be lucky…one day…
Kikyou- "I'm mad. Grrr. First Inuyasha betrays me…and now I'm dead. Tell me. How can a dead person be menstrual? I don't understand! GRRR!
Sesshoumaru- "Am I beautiful, my lovely viewers? Don't hold back, c'mon, tell me! Am I gorgeous? Am I stunning? Is my name Sesshoumaru?
5.00 pm
Kagome asks everyone what they are going to do about dinner. Miroku suggests take away, there's a lovely Turkish place at the junction. Kouga reminds him that he isn't allowed outside. Kagome offers to cook every one some oden. Everyone thinks they can last one night without food. Kagome gets angry and tells them to prove it, and storms into the kitchen. Miroku produces a bottle of sake and states that it's about time he shared his stash with the cast.
5.05 pm
Big Buttocks states angrily that alcohol isn't allowed on the premises, and that it's irresponsible to drink in front of Shippou. Miroku tells Big Buttocks to go stuff himself, and Miroku's told he's on SBD tomorrow.
6.00 pm
Kagome emerges from the kitchen carrying a package and goes outside. Everyone in the living room has had one drink. Kouga suggests a game of strip poker. Kikyou thinks it isn't suitable for Shippou. Shippou is sent outside. Naraku has decided that the potato is a big turn off and has decided to approach a group of parsnips in the corner. "So, come here often?"
6.15 pm
Kagome finds Inuyasha on his favourite tree, and she climbs up to sit next to him. Inuyasha has gone through a transformation and is now human, and extremely grumpy. "Hi," Says Kagome and gives him a bowl of oden. "I thought you might be feeling down about your transformation, so I made you some food." Inuyasha mutters some rare thanks, which are taken back once he tastes the oden. Kagome starts to cry. Shippou is bored and gloomy. If only he was an adult.
7.30 pm
The game of strip poker is getting nowhere. Sesshoumaru keeps losing the round but he wears so many layers, bows and attachments that the participants are starting to get bored. Shippou is spying on Kagome and Inuyasha, who have removed their microphones. Inuyasha is emotional as he pulls Kagome into a passionate hug, but stops as soon as Big Buttocks commands them to "Stop canoodling!"
9.00 pm
Shippou has gone to sleep on the couch after a stressful day. The game of strip poker still hasn't been too eventful, though Sesshoumaru has removed his outer layer and Miroku swears he saw Sango's bra strap. After an enlightening conversation with the group of parsnips, Naraku feels much better about himself and feels ready to approach an avocado. After all, it's not what's on the outside but the inside that counts.
11.00 pm
Everyone is out cold on the couches, including Inuyasha and Kagome who came in for the night. Naraku and the avocado got off to a good start, but the avocado felt it wasn't ready for commitment.
11:49pm
After one hell of a day, the cast are exhausted, and so the house is relatively quiet. Quiet, that is, apart from the sounds of Kagome murmuring in her sleep, and Naraku still attempting to chat up the commitment-fearing avocado. The only interruptions to this peaceful night time atmosphere is the sound of a slap, followed by muffled swearing, as Sango feels the need to reprimand Miroku's indecent behaviour.
11:50pm
There is movement coming from the lounge room. Camera 4d confirms that this is just another one of Sesshoumaru's nightly trips to the bathroom to reapply his passion fruit scented lip-gloss. Big Buttocks remarks that it is fortunate the lip-gloss isn't avocado flavoured. It is not known precisely what Big Buttocks is doing at this hour of the night…
11:55pm
For the second time that night, there is movement. Camera 8h spots Inuyasha moving from the top of the bookcase - his substitute for a tree. As he passes by Kagome's bed he pauses, and Camera 8h goes in for a close up, only to receive The Look courtesy of Inuyasha.
11:57pm
Following a loud thump, a string of swear words can be heard as Inuyasha trips over an object lying in the dark. This is immediately countered by another string of swear words coming from the object. "CAN'T A GUY GET ANY SLEEP AROUND HERE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??" With that, Inuyasha leaves a disgruntled Jaken and makes his way outside.
4.00 am
Everyone is asleep, except for a certain someone who has gone out for his secret daily fag.
"Hey!" Says a shifty Jaken as he sees the cameras turn on him, "Piss off, would ya?" Jaken appears to be having trouble holding the cigarettes in his mouth, as frankly, he has no lips. After a time he seems to realise this and gives up in disgust.
Smokin' toad
4.10 am
Grumblings from a nearby tree and also the kitchen signify that both Inuyasha and Naraku are awake. Since the eviction of Kaede, Naraku appears to have become more paternal, and has woken at 4.10 every day to cook waffles for the cast. Kikyou appears to enjoy these considerably. Naraku's tongue hangs out of his mouth slightly as he works. He is not wearing his makeup yet and bears a striking resemblance to Paul Hogan.
4.20 am
Big Buttocks calls Inuyasha to the living room... Big Buttocks appears to have had a late night out, and asks Inuyasha grumpily why he doesn't use the house toilets, opting instead to complete his toiletries behind a tree and directly in front of camera 5b. Inuyasha's incomprehensible reply comes out rather like...
"Whydontyagotofhellgrummutkagomefoffyoubastard I'llpeewhereibloodylikebloodypervertgrumblehanyouKikyousnot."
Big Buttocks gives a punishment to Inuyasha- he is to supervise Shippou's daily bath. Inuyasha smashes camera 6a and is heard to curse into his microphone as he goes outside to dig a hole for "No frickin' reason you bloody pervert!"
5.20 am
Naraku has been ordered to put his tongue back in his mouth for fear it will drop off. Inuyasha has fallen into his hole. "I friggin forgot it was there!"
9.00 am
It's breakfast time for the cast. "These are… nice," Says a menstrual Kikyou as she eats Naraku's offering of "Toasty warm scrummy waffles hot from the oven, just for you, my poppet!" The cast sit in silence as they eat, tired from a stressful night concerning Kikyou. Big Buttocks reads the weather forecast to them as they eat, and cracks the occasional lame joke. Big Buttocks also enquires about Sesshoumaru's health. His refusal to eat human food means that he hasn't eaten since the start of the program. Rin's absence is also concerning Big Buttocks. Sesshoumaru is in the bathroom in front of camera 7a, beginning his three-hour routine of grooming. "Do I look lovely this morning?" He asks the camera as he applies globs of mascara to his unnaturally long lashes.
Naraku's parental skills come into play
9.30 am
Kouga asks Kagome to take a swim with him. An enraged Inuyasha can't do anything about it, as he's on SBD, or 'Shippou Bath Duty'. The cast prefer to refer to it as "Shippou's Bum's Dirty" or "Stupid Bloody Diarrhoea" (courtesy of Inuyasha). Kikyou fixes him with an evil look and asks him what is so wrong with SBD. After all, he hates swimming and he never did it with her. Miroku chooses that moment to enter the room and Kikyou is the victim of a bad end to a sentence. Inuyasha is called to SBD.
10.00 am
Water trickles from underneath the door of bathroom two, and Kagome anxiously knocks on the door. "You're not drowning him in there, are you Inuyasha?" She can hear sounds of splashing, shrieks, frequent "Get in there you little censored!" and less frequent "Kitsune-Bi!" The camera in the bathroom has not worked ever since Sesshoumaru decided to give a rendition of Antonin Dvorak's Rusalka in bathroom two because "It has good acoustics.".
10.05 am
Miroku turns up to bathroom two, grumbling about needing a piss. He looks up and sees an anxious Kagome wringing her hands outside the door. "Ah, Kagome-sama," Miroku says, ever the gentleman. "No chance of me using this bathroom? Are you first in the queue? Sesshoumaru's in bathroom one, you see." Kagome explains the situation to Miroku who concedes defeat and decides to release the contents of his bladder in the garden, ironically in the favourite spot of Inuyasha. The producers of Big Buttocks decide to relocate camera 5b. Miroku decides to wash himself using the hose. Naraku finishes washing up and starts on the ironing. Sango creeps into the garden, and hides in the fern next to camera 5b. This belies her statements on the confession cam, where she continually denies any romantic feelings towards the houshi.
Viewers are reminded of the Tabcorp betting line-
Call 1800 239 439 to bet that Sango and Miroku will get together during the filming of Big Buttocks
Call 1800 239 432 to bet that Sango and Miroku won't get together during the filming of Big Buttocks
The queue for the bathroom increases.
10.30 am
"Kitsune-bi! HELP!"
"Sankon Tetsu-"
"OSUWARI!"
11.00 am
Shippou sits shivering on a table while Kagome dries him with a towel. Shippou askes Big Buttocks if he can file a harassment case against Inuyasha. Big Buttocks states that it's beyond his jurisdiction. Shippou says Big Buttocks is incompetent and Big Buttocks bursts into tears. Inuyasha retreats to the kitchen where he finds Kikyou stuffing herself with Kagome's supply of hot chocolate. "Well, I have got my period and we are the same person…"
Someone is caught in the act
12.00 pm
It's lunchtime, and there is no lunch on the table. Sesshoumaru has completed his beauty routine, and floats outside with Jaken at his heels for his daily wistful gaze at the sky. "Where's Naraku?" Demands Kikyou at the same time Miroku discovers that the bedroom door is locked.
"I'm not coming out!" Squeals Naraku.
"Why is he in there?" Asks Sango, as Inuyasha threatens to bash the door down if he doesn't come out and cook lunch.
"No! I don't want to. I'm having a break!" Naraku's voice is extremely high and squeaky.
"Just tell us what's wrong!" Kagome says kindly through the door.
"I'm only talking to Kikyou," Wheedles Naraku. Kikyou arrives. "What is it? I'm hungry."
"It's my transformation cycle," Cries Naraku, "Every time Gardening Australia is repeated on the ABC I transform for twenty four hours."
"What do you turn into?" Asks Kikyou. "A furry grapefruit," Naraku squeaks and bursts into heartfelt sobs. Big Buttocks viewers are reminded that video footage of this amazing transformation is available on the Big Buttocks website.
12.30 pm
Even Kikyou can't persuade Naraku to come out of the bedroom, so the cast are forced to make their own lunch, and also must set up the couches so they have somewhere to sleep. It turns out that there are only three couches that can be turned into double beds. Kouga and Inuyasha volunteer to sleep outside, and Sesshoumaru stakes out the velvet couch. Miroku volunteers to share a bed with Sango, but she would rather share a double bed with Kikyou and Kagome, with Shippou and Jaken if really necessary. Miroku is disappointed, but the opportunity to sleep single in a double bed is too good to miss. Inuyasha realises he's never had to make food for himself in his life and retreats outside in a filthy mood. Kikyou decides to sleep in the bath.
1.00 pm
Naraku finds a potato in the bedroom, and tells it his life story. The potato remains obstinately silent.
2.00 pm
Big Buttocks calls everyone to the living room. Big Buttocks announces that it is now daylight savings, and the time now should actually be 4.00. Kikyou asks Naraku through the door if this means he now only has 20 hours of his transformation left. Naraku tells Kikyou to get lost; he's trying to chat up the potato. Naraku asks the potato if it hurt when it fell out of heaven. The potato grows mould spontaneously.
4.30 pm
Confession cam time.
Shippou- "That bastard Inuyasha, I'm gonna vote him off next time!"
Kagome- "Inuyasha can be cruel sometimes, but he still has a good heart…I suppose he just needs somebody to teach him how to be gentle…"
Naraku- Naraku was absent from confession cam. He will be punished.
Sango- "I don't like Miroku. I don't find him attractive. Honest!"
Inuyasha- "Why they make us go in this room, I have no friggin idea."
Inuyasha has never really understood the point of confession cam. In fact, Inuyasha doesn't even know he is being filmed.
Jaken- "I just want some caffeine. They have no caffeine in this goddamn place. A fag. Coffee. Anything. Please! I'll do anything!
Kouga- "Kagome's my woman. Got that? And I'll take that dog turd to the peak of pain just to prove it!
Miroku- "Times in this place are growing more interesting every day. I think someone will crack under the pressure eventually. It's a shame about tonight, though, as Sango grows more beautiful every day. One day I'll be lucky…one day…
Kikyou- "I'm mad. Grrr. First Inuyasha betrays me…and now I'm dead. Tell me. How can a dead person be menstrual? I don't understand! GRRR!
Sesshoumaru- "Am I beautiful, my lovely viewers? Don't hold back, c'mon, tell me! Am I gorgeous? Am I stunning? Is my name Sesshoumaru?
5.00 pm
Kagome asks everyone what they are going to do about dinner. Miroku suggests take away, there's a lovely Turkish place at the junction. Kouga reminds him that he isn't allowed outside. Kagome offers to cook every one some oden. Everyone thinks they can last one night without food. Kagome gets angry and tells them to prove it, and storms into the kitchen. Miroku produces a bottle of sake and states that it's about time he shared his stash with the cast.
5.05 pm
Big Buttocks states angrily that alcohol isn't allowed on the premises, and that it's irresponsible to drink in front of Shippou. Miroku tells Big Buttocks to go stuff himself, and Miroku's told he's on SBD tomorrow.
6.00 pm
Kagome emerges from the kitchen carrying a package and goes outside. Everyone in the living room has had one drink. Kouga suggests a game of strip poker. Kikyou thinks it isn't suitable for Shippou. Shippou is sent outside. Naraku has decided that the potato is a big turn off and has decided to approach a group of parsnips in the corner. "So, come here often?"
6.15 pm
Kagome finds Inuyasha on his favourite tree, and she climbs up to sit next to him. Inuyasha has gone through a transformation and is now human, and extremely grumpy. "Hi," Says Kagome and gives him a bowl of oden. "I thought you might be feeling down about your transformation, so I made you some food." Inuyasha mutters some rare thanks, which are taken back once he tastes the oden. Kagome starts to cry. Shippou is bored and gloomy. If only he was an adult.
7.30 pm
The game of strip poker is getting nowhere. Sesshoumaru keeps losing the round but he wears so many layers, bows and attachments that the participants are starting to get bored. Shippou is spying on Kagome and Inuyasha, who have removed their microphones. Inuyasha is emotional as he pulls Kagome into a passionate hug, but stops as soon as Big Buttocks commands them to "Stop canoodling!"
9.00 pm
Shippou has gone to sleep on the couch after a stressful day. The game of strip poker still hasn't been too eventful, though Sesshoumaru has removed his outer layer and Miroku swears he saw Sango's bra strap. After an enlightening conversation with the group of parsnips, Naraku feels much better about himself and feels ready to approach an avocado. After all, it's not what's on the outside but the inside that counts.
11.00 pm
Everyone is out cold on the couches, including Inuyasha and Kagome who came in for the night. Naraku and the avocado got off to a good start, but the avocado felt it wasn't ready for commitment.
11:49pm
After one hell of a day, the cast are exhausted, and so the house is relatively quiet. Quiet, that is, apart from the sounds of Kagome murmuring in her sleep, and Naraku still attempting to chat up the commitment-fearing avocado. The only interruptions to this peaceful night time atmosphere is the sound of a slap, followed by muffled swearing, as Sango feels the need to reprimand Miroku's indecent behaviour.
11:50pm
There is movement coming from the lounge room. Camera 4d confirms that this is just another one of Sesshoumaru's nightly trips to the bathroom to reapply his passion fruit scented lip-gloss. Big Buttocks remarks that it is fortunate the lip-gloss isn't avocado flavoured. It is not known precisely what Big Buttocks is doing at this hour of the night…
11:55pm
For the second time that night, there is movement. Camera 8h spots Inuyasha moving from the top of the bookcase - his substitute for a tree. As he passes by Kagome's bed he pauses, and Camera 8h goes in for a close up, only to receive The Look courtesy of Inuyasha.
11:57pm
Following a loud thump, a string of swear words can be heard as Inuyasha trips over an object lying in the dark. This is immediately countered by another string of swear words coming from the object. "CAN'T A GUY GET ANY SLEEP AROUND HERE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??" With that, Inuyasha leaves a disgruntled Jaken and makes his way outside.