Top Gear: Battle of the Ashes

Prologue:

Jamiebel Angkahan, Davina Angkahan-Valerio and I, Jim Eligino, had been challenged by the hosts of the junior version of Top Gear Australia – Bernan Angkahan, Angelica Ortega and Pam Bautista - to what we call the Top Gear Ashes. (If you don't know what "The Ashes" is, look it up on Wikipedia.) Anyway, we had them head to Britain to have a taste of British motoring from then and now. After the whole week they're there, the Top Gear Ashes would begin. Whose side are you on?

Part 1:

Bernan, Angelica and Pam were exploring London's East-End – the biggest place of dodgy salesmen. Their first challenge (set by their producers) was to find one of the 10 worst British cars in the whole of British history, as voted by the British public. Basically, they wanted to explore and learn about their rivals (me, Jamiebel and Davina) before facing them. When they met up, Bernan bought an Austin Allegro, aptly named "The Flying Pig" – the worst car as voted by Britain. Pam bought a Morris Ital, which was one of the top-ranked cars, as voted by said public. Angelica bought the Triumph TR7, which was the only sports car in the list. As noted, their exploration began at the bottom of the barrel – the time where all the cars were nothing but rocks – '70s style.

On their road trip to their first British challenge, they started complaining about their cars for the miles to come. As one Rutledge Wood (a presenter on the American Top Gear) once said, "It's like 8-year-olds with licenses!" When they hit traffic lights...

"Hey, Pam?" Bernan asked.

"Yeah, buddy?" Pam replied.

"You wanna see a trick I can do with my car?"

Indeed, that trick was to rev his Allegro's engine, causing it to shake its boot. Pam laughed in complete hysterics, followed by Bernan, then Angelica.

They met at Knowsley Safari Park, in Liverpool, for their first British motoring challenge: drive into the park in their cars, and survive. Obviously, anything enters in the cars, you die. And to make matters worse (for Angelica, frankly), no soft-tops. This annoyed her, and proceeded to reverse into Bernan's Allegro. She drove to a hardware store, and when she came back, got a roll of chicken wire, and all three headed off into the safari. What their producers planned is to have them stay in their cars – as that (in some weird way) will toughen them up. They went through the lions and baboons.

Things got interesting: the real reason they were sent to the safari park is to drive in 3 of the world's smallest cars: Peel P50s. Possibly entrée, meal and dessert, all in one package. To be quite honest, after they drove through once, they were quite less than pleased.

"If I find the guy who invented these, I'm gonna feed him to the lions!" remarked a very cross Angelica.

"Whose idea was that, anyway – I am not doing that again!" added an also very angry Pam.

However, their ordeal was not over. They had to get back in the cars to drive through the baboon and rhino enclosures. However, in aforementioned rhino enclosure, the new electric engine in Pam's gave way, but after a while, it cooled down, and the trio proceeded out of the enclosures... with wounded dignity...and bruised bums.

Britain's motoring dark age was around 1975, and that's because the British government was trying to rescue its car company of British Leyland, and therefore, that's where all the cars like the Allegro, Ital and TR7 came from. But Britain ruled the motoring world in the mid-1950's-70's, because they were the largest car exporter at the time. 120 companies came out in the area of Coventry, mostly. But, thanks to one pretzel by the name of Derek Robinson, the BL employees went through a "Marxist Revolution", and deliberately made crap cars for future owners. Eventually, in 1986, the company went bust.

Now for readers under 72 years old, bear with me. Bernan, Angelica and Pam had to look back in the Golden Ages of British Motoring – find 3 perfect examples of what Britain should be like. Pam drove the 1961 Austin-Healey Sprite, Angelica drove the 1962 MG MGB Roadster, and Bernan drove the 1961 Jaguar E-Type (which, incidentally, if you're reading this now, has already celebrated its 50th birthday). They all loved them. Generally, these cars were like the British equivalent of Italian sports cars at the time, although the Brits' cars were less expensive, more fun to drive, and were more popular around the world.

Finally, we come to the Isle of Man: the one place in Britain where there are no speed limits, and home to the infamous Isle of Man TT race. This is where the Aussies were going to drive 3 modern British supercars. Bernan chose the only all-British supercar – the McLaren MP4-12C. Angelica chose the "road-legal" Radical SR3. Pam chose the pocket-rocket Ariel Atom. What made the road conditions worse – it was raining that day. The officials and the producers both told the Aussies to turn back – it wasn't worth it. Mind you, they had this road for only one day, and this was an opportunity to be taken. When they all blasted onto the road, Bernan, it seems, made the right choice to drive something with a roof – whereas Angelica and Pam had open-top cars. You know what that means. If you don't: What were they thinking?

At the end, not one person regretted driving that road in the rain. Now these three understand why Davina, Jamiebel and I love the British cars of today – they were made to compete with those of today's supercars. But before Bernan, Angelica and Pam can smash any Poms (that's a shorter version of the Aussie derogatory term for the British people, which is "pommy"), they have one last errand to run back on the mainland.

The three of them decided to pay us a favor, after driving the best of British motoring. Cars like the Allegro, Ettal and TR7 are a motoring disgrace – Britain should be remembered for the Jaguar E-Type, Ariel Atom, Austin-Healey Sprite and (more recently,) McLaren MP4-12C, not those "motoringpretzels". Besides, they decided that it's only nice to arrive with a gift for us.

Coming up next: Bernan, Angelica and Pam face off against me, Jamiebel and Davina in the Top Gear Motoring Ashes! You don't wanna miss this!

(End of Part 1)