Author's Note: Companion to "Cool". I don't own Soul Eater.
Idiot
(the Maka Albarn dictionary)
by: Setkia
When she says "you're an idiot", what she means is "you're my idiot".
She's never had a way with words, despite the countless books she reads. Love confession after love confession in the sappy novels she's looked into purely for research purposes have taught her nothing. They don't feel genuine, each one needs to be specifically crafted for that person, or else the words seem to fall short.
She hopes he understands, especially because it's hard for her, and communication has never really been her forte.
When she says "I'm studying," she's not brushing him off, she's trying to get all her work done so they can have that movie night he's always whining about. The movie night where they marathon Friday 13th movies, and he steals all her popcorn and she puts her feet in his lap and he complains about her smelly socks, but leaves them there. Sometimes he massages them. She loves their movie nights, and works hard to make sure they can keep having them.
When she says "Boys suck," he thinks she means all people of the male sex suck. She does. Because they do.
Boys are terrible. They have no respect for personal space, always think "no" means "yes" and "stop" means "try harder". Boys leave clothes all over the floor, belch with their mouth open and take up all the warm water in the morning. Boys are disgusting.
Soul is not a boy. Soul's Soul and that makes all the difference.
When she says "I wanna meet Wes", she means "Let me compare". Let me face all your fears, all those unsaid words about not being good enough, and let me be the judge of that. Because I can tell you right now, I like you more than Wes. It's not about who you were, or what your parents wanted, its' what I wanted, and what you wanted, coming to the DWMA. And it's what we've got that matters, our standards, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner.
When she says "Not now, later" it's not because she's dismissing him. It's because she doesn't want to say something she doesn't mean because she can admit she's super hot-headed, she "loses her cool", as he likes to put it, more than he does, and it leaves angry, hurt words in the air that don't mean a thing. I will tell you later, because nothing has ever happened until he knows, so he will know, it's a matter of when, never if.
When she says "wake up", it's not to be a nag. It's because she thinks he's amazing, she wants him to be successful, and knows he can be. He just needs that extra push, and she's more than willing to provide it.
When she says "he's my partner", she means a lot of things. He's mine, not yours, Don't touch my Weapon, don't ask to partner up with me or him. No, I will not accept your confession. It depends on context, and it's all in the subtext.
When she says "play for me" and he gets all nervous, she's saddened. Because she wants to hear him, thinks he sounds beautiful. Just because she doesn't know shit about music doesn't mean her thoughts are invalid, doesn't mean her opinion doesn't matter. If anything, he's taught her that her opinion always matters. So why doesn't it matter here?
When she says "We're a team", she means "I'm sorry". She's trying to make up for their rough start. She could lie and say it was a joint distrust that lead to such a strain on the newfound partnership, but it wasn't. It was her. He was willing to do what she wanted, but she would never meet him halfway, and she's sorry for that. Sometimes, she fears he thinks she regrets choosing him. She doesn't. She doesn't think she ever will. She can only hope he'll never regret choosing such a trying Meister.
When she asks "Am I cool?" she wonders if he knows what she means. It's evidence of the affect he's had on her, that it's starting to affect her vocabulary, a little quirk she picked up from him. Much like she's learnt to read between the lines with him, she wonders if he can decode her cypher. She wonders if he knows she means "have I met your standards?"
When she says "but what did you say?", it's because she doesn't put much stalk in the rumour mill. It's his words that hold weight, that have meaning. It doesn't matter if Kim thinks Soul was sucking face with Tsubaki. Nothing counts, nothing is real until Soul says it. He is the sole authority over these types of things.
When she says "what do you think?", it's because his opinion matters, as much as hers matters to him. She asks it about everything, from how she looks in her clothes to whether he wants pineapples or mushrooms on the pizza. and tries not to use it sarcastically because she does care about what he has to say. She doesn't want him to associate her words with teasing words, not when they hold so much weight.
When she says "you did great", she means "I'm proud." Every compliment is an attempt to pull him from that void he falls into all too often. Because there are words he screams into the abyss he'll never voice, and it eats at him in ways he'll never dare say, so she fights the voices before they begin, and he always grins at her when she says it, like he knows.
When she says "let's go home", it's not literal. She's never referring to a specific place. Soul's taught her that the only thing that makes a location a home is the memories contained in the objects that reside there. Memories can be made anywhere. Anywhere with Soul is enough for her.
When she says "I liked it", she means "trust me". Because after so many years of asking her if he should buy that new leather jacket, or if he's cool, she wonders when it'll stop being about asking for her input and actually trusting it, believing each word she says because she's not trying to trap him, or lead him astray with some words that are carefully crafted to lull him into a false sense of security. The amount of insecurity contained in that boy is unbelievable, especially considering his accomplishments and sometimes she just wants to put him in front of the mirror and shake him to his core because doesn't he see? He's absolutely amazing and everything about him is perfect just the way he is.
When she says "I'm scared", she means "I trust you". He knows, to some degree, and they both know it's a big deal. But she wonders if he notices the small things she does that show how much she confides in him, when she goes to his door at night after a nightmare, or tugs on the back of his jacket when she gets anxious.
When she says "slow down!" what she means is "wait for me". Because it's always taken her just a little more time to get up to speed as everyone else, same way it took her longer to warm up to him, but she's getting there. She doesn't mean "don't leave me behind", because she knows he never will. He's proven it time and time again, and it's her turn to prove that their trust and bond is something she is more grateful for than words can describe.
When she says "I'm here" what she means is "you're not alone." And you don't ever have to be. Because sometimes, despite the small distance between them, it feels like a chasm. Maka has spent a long time being alone, and she knows that even though Soul has been in thousands of banquet halls surrounded by thousands of people, he's felt alone during those times. But he's not alone anymore. Whether they're in a crowded room, or just the kitchen, they're not alone.
When she says "I've got it", what she really means is "you don't have to do it yourself". Because sometimes you need someone else to lean on. He's been spending so long trying to be independent, to grow up so fast, but he doesn't have to. He can take it one step at a time next to her, and they'll figure out this crazy world together.
When she says "rent's coming up", she means "I'm committed". Because he might not remember, but it was her idea to move in together, and once a month they share a lease, and pay it together. This is a long-term thing. There's no getting rid of her, though she doubts he wants to, not when they work so well together. This is an investment of her time, of her resources, and she hopes the meaning of paying her half of the apartment isn't lost on him.
When she says "it doesn't matter" after she fails a test, or she skips school because he's caught the flu, what she means is "you're worth it". Because she has found value in the boy with white hair and odd teeth and the blood-red eyes. She has found a home, a place of comfort in the unsureness of his smile. It seems everyone else knows, everyone praises him for his accomplishments, for their joint efforts and goals they've accomplished, but he doesn't seem to see them, so she says it again and again because she might be at the top of his priority list, but he is her list. Grades, attendance and all other things aside, she will always go out of her way for him, from the small things like letting him choose the channel after a bad day to the bigger things like descending into madness with him because if sanity doesn't include Soul, she doesn't want it.
Sometimes it terrifies her, the distances she'll go to for him, the risks she's willing to take to assure his safety, or his sound of mind, but then he does something like jump in front of a Demon Sword for her and all worries dissipate because she's not the only crazy one. They'll both do the most absurd things, and they'll do them together, because his soul feels right to her, and they have something special beyond what others can describe.
When she says "you're an idiot", what she means is "you're my idiot". Because he may be stupid and careless and egotistical at times, but she wouldn't have him any other way.
When she says "you're cool", what she means is she notices.
She notices when he stays up late studying, and lies in the morning to Black*Star about getting carried away with some video game, or how he skips out on breakfast when the alarm goes off too late and then gives her part of his lunch, as if she wouldn't notice. She notices the girls he turns down when he stays late to wait for her after school, and the way he's always nice about it. She notices that while he'll say he likes big butts and boobs, he barely glances at Blair anymore and he's never made a move on Tsubaki, and one time he rearranged the Hot or Not list that was going around to put the flat-chested girls higher up on the list before Black*Star called him out on it and labeled him "uncool". She notices he hums Vivaldi's Four Seasons in the shower, and he's learnt the soundtrack to one of those Fatal Fantasy games that Black*Star loves so much, and he stirs his soup counterclockwise. She notices that he makes her wear his one and only helmet, and reads his comic books while hanging upside down on the couch, and has over a dozen half-written letters to Wesley that he'll never send. She sees the way he sticks his fingers in his ears and screams "lalala" to avoid spoilers, and plays piano when he can't sleep, and ties his hair back when it's his turn to cook. As if it slipped her attention that despite blaring his music while doing chores, it's always a Maka-approved playlist, and he reorganizes her bookshelves when Black*Star tries to play with her system, remembering to leave one shelf full of her favourite books for easy access, and he nudges her gently before telling her he's going to be taking her to her room so she doesn't wake up in a panic about being on the couch and suddenly in her bed. He'll feed Black*Star's ego just the right amount, but always stops him from getting too conceited, and though he'll joke to Kidd about having touched one of his perfectly symmetrical paintings, he always brings photographic proof of its continued perfection. For all his wealthy upbringing taught him, how to use chopsticks was not one of them, his favourite part about letters is licking the envelope, and even though he says his past life is behind him, he checks in on the news every now and then to see how the Evans clan is doing. He likes his eggs Sunny Side Up, has yet to perfect a slam dunk, and loves doing the electric slide on the newly polished floors. She's seen the guitar pick he carries with him at all times, and it's not like she's deaf, she totally heard him instruct Black*Star on how to hot-wire a car, and she's seen the way he picks avocados off his pizza like they're conspiring to kill him.
When she says "you're cool" what she means is "I love you."