Alexithymia
(part one)
Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything I say anymore in the morn in the morning
Bricks to this old house are breaking Steel would've weathered but now forlorning
It's alarming how loud the silence screams no warn no warn no warning
He stood in front of the mirror attempting to tie the fabric hanging around his neck the way Uncle Devon had shown him. He smiled at his reflection, revealing the missing tooth he'd lost last week.
He frowned slightly at the crooked tie, but decided to leave it alone as not to ruin his progress. His parents were going to be proud of him anyway.
"What about Jake?" He heard his father's voice demand. He looked to the open door, but could only hear muffled voices. He climbed onto his bed and began to put his shoes on. He couldn't wait until they got to see Aunt Ellie tomorrow. He'd get to tell her all about how he was the only person in his class who could tie his shoes without any help.
"Dammit, Chuck! We can't keep going through this every time I have a—."
"Sarah!" His said, cutting her off.
Jake looked up to the mirror to see his own saddened expression. Removing his tie, he made his way outdoors.
*****
"Chuck, we can't have the same argument every time I have to go on a mission," Sarah said, her voice lowered as not to allow Jake to hear.
"Sarah, this one is really dangerous. He's a really smart, and I stress 'really smart' guy. No one who has ever gone up against him has survived."
"That's why I'm going to be undercover," she said as she finished putting her other earring in. She turned to face her husband. It was obvious how upset he was about this one. "Chuck, I understand that you probably know more about it because of the flash, but--."
"What about Jake?" He asked again. "I can't do this without you." When he was scared, his tactic was their son. Unfortunately, that's when things would get ugly.
*****
Casey watched Jacob Bartowski slide the kitchen door shut and make his way to the swing set. He wrapped the hose and made his way through the gate that the adjacent backyards shared.
"Jacob," Casey greeted, sitting in the second swing.
"Hi Casey," Jake sighed.
"You look sharp," Casey said, pointing to the khaki pants and red button down shirt that he could only guess Sarah picked out for him to wear. The little black Converse were definitely his father's doing.
"Thanks."
"It makes me wonder why you're sitting out here on a swing, all depressed."
"They're fighting again," the young boy said quietly.
As if on cue, Casey heard Sarah slam the front door and a second later, they watched her Porsche speed down the street. He looked at Jake, who'd obviously seen it, too. One of the unshed tears the young Bartowski had been fighting since Casey walked up, escaped, and was followed by the rest of them.
*****
If there was one thing Chuck Bartowski still needed to learn, it was when to keep his mouth shut. He let out a frustrated sigh and headed to his son's room. He was going to be disappointed that they weren't going to go out tonight as planned.
"Jake?" He asked, opening the cracked door a little more. "Jake?" He entered the freakishly neat bedroom to find it vacant. Panic swept over him as he remembered Sarah exit the house without the child. "Jake!" he called, looking in the Game Room. He made his way back to the living room. "Jacob!" He turned to face the kitchen and caught sight of Casey at the swing set. Sure enough, Jake was there.
Chuck let out a relieved sigh and pulled out his phone to order a pizza.
Addictions fill the table where their family used to sit and conversate
Conversate to the sound to the sound of the record player with its jumping needle
And the lights that grow dim over time
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
Whoa-oh-oh
Dinner was nearly silent. There was no background music from the iPod dock on the counter and Casey was sitting at the table instead of his mother.
Jake looked up as his father took another swig of his beer. He only drank when his mom was on business trips or if he was with Uncle Devon. When his mom was gone, Jake knew better than to ask about it. All his father would say is that he loved him, it'd be okay, and Mommy would be home soon. Then, he'd slip off into the game room and play a video game or stare at pictures for a long time.
"Daddy? Do you want to play Mario Kart with me?" The only time he enjoyed video games was playing with his father or Uncle Morgan. The rest of the time, he preferred the outdoors or coloring.
Chuck looked down at his son. He looked so much like Sarah. He had her eyes and hair. Though everyone said that Jake was a good mix of them both, only Sarah's features stuck out to him.
"Maybe later, Jake," Chuck said. He watched his son's face fall.
"Can I watch TV then?" He asked in a disappointed tone. Chuck nodded and Jake slid out of the chair, making his way into the living room.
"Way to go, Moron," Casey growled. Chuck looked up at the familiar insult. "You and Mrs. Moron need to keep it in the Castle."
"What are you talking about?" Chuck asked, picking up the plates to put them in the sink. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know.
"Jacob was outside, crying, because he heard the two of you."
"He what?"
"He heard you fighting. I've never seen anyone try so hard not to cry, and I've been in the business a long time. But when Walker sped outta here, the kid couldn't stop." Casey lowered his voice to another growl. "If I ever have to lie to that kid again because of you two, I'll kill you both personally."
Chuck had known John Casey for ten years, but this? This was something new.
Are you where you thought you'd be? So beautiful and only twenty three
Opposition rests in their hearts with no with no with no opportunity
It's not that we don't talk, it's just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course all smiles, but no one remembers our names
Sarah Walker Bartowski walked along the secluded beach, shoes in her hands. Her hair and dress blew with the breeze. She found a spot on the sand and sat down facing the ocean.
It was the same spot that, ten years ago, she'd asked Chuck to trust her. It was the same spot Chuck had asked her to be his wife. It was the same spot that she'd told him she was pregnant. It was their spot.
Ten years ago, she would have laughed at the person who dared to tell her that she'd be a wife and mother right now. She had been one of the CIA's best and most promising agents and, ten years ago, settling down was not on her list of priorities.
Now, she wouldn't have it any other way. She was still one of the CIA's top agents, and would probably always be, but now she had a wonderful husband and a beautiful little boy at home.
She pulled her cell phone from her purse. A picture of Chuck and Jake filled the screen. This picture could always make her smile. She'd come to tell them that dinner was ready, but found them sitting on the Game Room couch with the same intense look in their eyes and the same determined look on their faces. They were even sitting in the same position.
She scrolled to the next image. Jake sat at the kitchen table with a birthday cake in front of him. He had Chuck's smile. She pitied the woman who would fall for that goofy, Bartowski grin the same way she had.
With a sigh, she put the phone away and began to watch the waves crash against the shore. However, her mind couldn't stay off of Chuck. They'd been fighting a lot recently. She understood how he felt when she went on solo assignments. She felt the same when he and Casey were ordered to go without her. They were both scared. There was always the possibility that something would go wrong and now they had Jake to worry about.
This mission was definitely dangerous and Chuck had a right to be nervous. Luckily, Casey would be with her. Still, there was a hint of fear about leaving Jake motherless. Chuck wasn't wrong about how dangerous the mission was. Getting home could be a challenge this time.
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
Devon Woodcomb walked to the door. The last person he expected to see was his brother-in-law standing on his doorstep.
"Hey Chuck!" He greeted with a smile. "Come on in."
"Thanks, Awesome."
"Ellie should be home in a few minutes," he said. "Want some coffee?"
"That'd be great," he said, following Devon into the kitchen.
"Sit down, Bro," Awesome said, returning with two cups of coffee. "What brings you by tonight?"
"Sarah and I hot into a pretty big fight."
"How bad?"
"Bad enough to make her speed off before I had time to react."
"Not awesome," he winced. "What happened?"
"Spy stuff, mostly. I can't really talking."
"I get it," Awesome nodded. "She's probably just cooling off, Bro."
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
"Hit me," Jake said, tossing chips into the pile. He accepted the new card and took a quick drink of his juice box. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," Casey said, studying his own cards.
"Why do you call Momma 'Walker'?"
"Because," Casey said, tossing his own chips in the pile, "That was her last name when I met her, way before she married your dad."
"Like Aunt Ellie? Her last name is Woodcomb, but it was Bartowski first."
"How old are you again?"
"Five." Casey let out an impressed grunt. Jacob Bartowski was too smart. "I'll raise you twenty." Casey studied the little boy.
"You're cocky. Don't get cocky, Bartowski." Jake grinned. "What?"
"You lost," the little boy smiled.
"What makes you so sure?"
"Grandpa Jack says I got my talent at reading people from him."
"Really..."
"You have a bad poker face and you get really defensive and your voice gets all shaky." Casey couldn't argue with that. He tossed his cards on the table. With Chuck's brain and Sarah's intuition, Jacob Bartowski had the potential to be one of the greatest agents in the world. He could practically hear Chuck's voice scolding his thoughts.
"Earth to Casey!" Jake said, snapping him back to reality.
"Yeah?"
"Can I watch TV?"
"Isn't it your bedtime?"
"Nope," he smiled again. "You lost. I get to stay up until they get home."
"Get out of here, before I knock your other tooth out," he said. The little boy giggled and ran into the living room, leaving Casey to clean up their game.
Don't try to wake me up even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything you say anymore in the morn in the morning
"I'm sorry, Chuck," Ellie said, entering the living room again. "She didn't answer."
"Thanks anyway, Sis," Chuck sighed. He knew she wouldn't answer anyway. Awesome was right, she was probably just cooling off. He tried to think of the places she would go.
"Where's Jake?" Ellie asked, noticing for the first time in ten minutes that her five year old nephew wasn't with her brother.
"He's at the house with Casey."
"How's he handling it?" She asked. It was a good question. He really hadn't even asked Jake how he was dealing with it.
"Uh, to be honest, I haven't really talked to him about it," he sighed ruefully. "Casey said he heard some of the argument and that he saw Sarah drive off. He said that Jake was upset, but he seemed fine at dinner. Chuck thought back to Casey's promise and suddenly a light bulb went off in his head. He knew where she was.
*****
"What's the Castle?" Jake asked. Casey looked at Jake. He never expected that question.
"What?"
"What's the Castle?" Jake repeated.
"It's a giant, stone house where kings live." Chuck was definitely a dead man when he got home.
"I know what a castle is, but you told Dad to keep it in the Castle. What did you mean?"
"It's just a figure of speech." One didn't have to be a spy to see the disbelief written on Jake's face.
"That doesn't make sense! You told him to leave it inside but it really means outside?" Casey was caught at a stand still.
"Is this movie almost over?"
"We just put it on," Jake retorted.
"Then, watch it."
They watched the movie in silence for a few minutes before Jake spoke up again.
"Casey?"
"Yeah?"
"Were they fighting because of me?" Casey turned to look at the sleepy five year old.
"What?"
"Were they fighting because of me?"
"No, they weren't."
"Then, why did they both leave?" Casey could have killed both, Chuck and Sarah, for that. It wasn't fair to Jake to have to go through their crap.
"Your mom got mad and left so she could cool off. Your dad went to go talk to her," he said, settling on that as an answer. They were lucky he knew them well enough that it probably wasn't a lie.
"It's ten o'clock," Jake pointed out.
"Listen to me, I'd kill the before letting them leave you, Jacob. Plus, they love you too much."
"Then, why were they fighting?"
"Your dad probably said something stupid." Casey snorted, "He never could keep his mouth shut." Casey could tell that Jake wasn't satisfied with the answer, but he dropped the subject anyway.
"Damn you, Bartowski," Casey growled under his breath.
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes there's more to living than being alive
A/N: So, I've gotta be honest and say this is my first ever songfic. I'm typically not a songfic person, but I've been reading some good stuff along with the shuffle bandwagon, so I figured I'd get in on it, too and test out my hand at it. :) I was listening to this song in my car and could practically visualize the opening scene. :)
The song is called "Alexithymia" by Anberlin. This is only part one. The next chapter and song will be part two. I tried to begin this story with a happier beginning, but this one wouldn't leave me alone until I had written it. I tried to end it as a one chappy story, but all of the endings I had were...well...let's just say I couldn't allow my mind to go there. lol.
ANYHOO!!! I hope you like it thus far. Thanks for taking the time to read it! Please review!
p.s. Sorry for any grammar mistakes! I'm typically pretty good about checking for that but it's 3:32 am and I'm sleep deprived...plus, I don't have a regular beta.