Had you been reading the first part, go on right ahead. If not...
In Part 1, the presenters of Top Gear England (Jim Eligino, Jamiebel Angkahan and Davina Angkahan-Valerio) were challenged by the presenters of Top Gear Australia (Bernan Angkahan, Angelica Ortega and Pam Bautista) to the Top Gear Ashes. The Aussies traveled all across Great Britain, and prepared for the Ashes.
So, there you are. I honestly blame your ignorance (if you didn't reas the first part) on (either) your ignorance or those damn Morro Bay Pirates.* Enjoy part 2!
Part 2:
The Aussie Trio had the best and worst of British motoring; now they were ready for the Top Gear Ashes. They were told to meet me, Jamiebel and Davina at Dunsfold Park, just outside London. But, they wanted to mark a good impression for us: 3 classic 1970's Aussie muscle cars ought to do it.
"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to civilization," I greeted.
"Thank you very much," Bernan thanked.
The now-traditional Bruce-and-Nigel greeting was starting to warm up. But rewind a bit - later on, we had to film that again, for our show – and they arrived... in a prison van.
"I just thought it'd be nice to arrive in the country the same way their ancestors left," I noted.
"There's a pleasing circularity to it," Jamiebel added.
Obviously, the Aussies were less than pleased.
"That gag was not funny in 1836, and it certainly isn't funny now," Angelica complained.
"You had some 200-odd years to come up with a funnier gag, and that's it?" Bernan asked.
Right, before this gets out of hand, let's just switch back to the Aussie version.
"Can I just say, you brought 3, really, well, terrible cars," I observed.
"Great Australian cars," Angelica corrected. Then she walked over to our cars. "Indian (Land Rover Discovery), German (Bentley Continental GT), Kuwaiti (Aston DB9 Volante)."
"American, American, American (referring to all 3 cars the Aussies brought). It is better to have a car industry and lost it, than to have never to have had a car industry at all." And then I pointed over to the Aston, and decided to show something. "Can I show you this? 'Hand-built in England.' In England."
Hand-built or not, it was time for the Aussies to show us what they thought of the British car industry.
"We've been driving British cars across the length and depth of this massive country of yours, and we just finished, so we thought we'd return them," Bernan pointed out.
"So where are they, these cars?" I asked. Bernan pointed over to 3 blocks, that, we presumed, would be our cars. "So those are them?"
"That's the British car industry. There it is, in a nutshell," Pam noted.
"Hold on a minute, did you crush an Austin Allegro?" Davina questioned.
"Yes."
"Thanks."
The time for laughing and fun was over; now it was time to get serious. The Motoring Ashes would be composed of 5 challenges – the first of which, would be read by Angelica.
"OK, 'Working Man's 1-Kilometer Drag Race – we (the Aussies) will pit a typical Aussie commercial vehicle against a typical Pommy commercial vehicle to see which is the fastest.'"
We were definitely in trouble, because they could immediately jump in with a FPV GS Ute, one of their fastest utes ever. We could only use diesel-powered white vans, so we got one.
"A Ford Transit? You imbecile," Davina whispered.
"Relax," I whispered back.
"We are gonna lose this. Quite badly."
"No, we aren't."
I seemed more confident than I should've been, and for good reason, too. You'll find out later.
"How much power has this (their ute) have?" I asked.
"422," Angelica answered.
"What does Jay-bee (Jamiebel) have – three?" Pam mocked.
"Listen, you will be humiliated. Do you still use horsepower in Australia, or have you invented some other system?"
"No, this is 315kW (kW=kilowatts). But if you like, I could convert it into furlongs, or rods, or chains, or whatever the hell you use in Britain."
Now the idea is too simple – it's a drag race on the 1km strip of road we have.
"Now, all I gotta do is watch that green light," thought Bernan. "And then win."
Which is exactly what Pam thought, but then she spotted something unusual.
"Hang on. What are those wheels? They look familiar – those aren't Ford wheels. What are they?" she asked.
Unfortunately, too little, too late. When Bernan and Jamiebel set off, the white van launched to an excellent start, to her and the Aussies' shock. Indeed, the Aussies went insane, thinking that we would play fair. As a result, we won the first challenge with ease. Back at the start, Davina and I did the "traditional gesture" (a 'loser' symbol), despite late skeptics from Bernan. We showed the Aussies the rear of the van, and revealed a Jaguar XJ220 engine, much to Angelica's disgust. That's why I was more confident than suggested – and Bernan never even stood a chance against the 200-mph "van".
"Is a van a commercial vehicle?" Jamiebel asked. "You could've warned me! I got the shock of my life, honestly!"
We all laughed after that – really, she never expected that.
The second challenge is a reprise from the challenge we had against the Germans (and lost, mind) – Double-Decker Racing. The car on the bottom had the gears and brakes, whereas the car on top has the steering. As a little surprise for our Aussie guests, their cars are upside-down.
"It won't be so upside-down when you get back home, and there, it'll be all right-side up," I explained.
"We are racing against the 'Flat-Earth Society'," Angelica complained.
Obviously, all of us have a problem – neither of us have enough people, so on our side, we've got our friend Adam Morales. Ironically, for the Aussies' side, they have Darren Lyons.
After the Aussies were lowered in upside-down, we were ready to begin. When the horn sounded, we quickly jumped into the lead.
"Oh, feel the pow—[expletive censored] hell!" I shouted, then crashed.
"Already? Aw!" Bernan exclaimed, after crashing into me.
"Oh, God, we're gonna die," Angelica groaned.
Dee-jae (Davina) and I were working very well as a team, whereas Jay-bee and Adam had communications problems. But then, quite quickly, my friends overtook the Aussies – mainly because they were still whinging.
"Oh, God," Pam sighed. "Where are we? I can't see – I have no reference!"
And the pap' was plainly a bit perturbed.
"That's unbelievable – I'm – look, no hands!" Darren exclaimed, and proceeded to scream afterwards.
"Darren, just shut up and drive!"
"[expletive deleted]!"
At this stage, it looked like an England one-two, but then...
"Jay-bee!" Davina exclaimed, after she drove into me and her.
"Yes! Yes! Ha!" Jamiebel laughed.
"Whoa! This is civil war – breaking out, right here, right now! Gether!" I commanded. So Dee-jae did.
"That's a disaster!" Adam noted.
While we were bickering...
"You've broken my window!" I shouted.
...the Aussies caught up, and engaged us in a "good-natured" 4-way duel.
"Catch that Pommy bastard!" Bernan yelled, imperatively. "We got 'em, we got 'em, we got 'em, we got 'em, we got 'em!"
The Aussies had one person through into the lead, but then Jamiebel, Davina, Adam and I all worked as a team and quickly grabbed the lead back. However, I decided to do Adam and Jay-bee a solid for breaking my window.
"Ahh!" Jamiebel yelped.
"Ha-ha!" I laughed, in triumph. "Sorry, Adam and Jay-bee! That's what you get for turning on us!" Davina laughed, in addition. And quite quickly, they were lapped. This made them both very angry, and so, on the last lap, they exacted their revenge.
"Oh, no!" Dee-jae exclaimed.
"Oh, you stupid fools!" I shouted.
"Good work, Adam!" Jay-bee exclaimed.
Indeed, it turned out to be a England one-two, and so, with another victory in the bag, things were looking good for Top Gear England. Or were they?
After the second event, we thought a barbecue lunch would help them feel better.
"The reason we cook indoors is because we have electricity," I noted.
"Because it's raining, cold and miserable over there," Angelica added.
"Because you don't have to stand in a smoke cloud."
The food looked as appetizing as an old gym sock, but there were some bad news about the double-decker challenge.
"By the way, I have some important news to impart: we've been accused of cheating," I announced.
"By who?" Jamiebel asked.
"The Australians."
"About what?" Davina wondered.
"Well, who won the last event?"
"We did," Jamiebel clarified.
"Yes, but you were stationary for an entire lap. You and Adam finished a lap down. You, therefore, came last. I won! And you were last. Here, Bernan, have a celebratory sausage for not coming last. Jay-bee and Adam did - they've let themselves down, they've let the BBC down, they've let England down."
"My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him," he joked. We all laughed after that, too.
The next challenge was a drifting challenge. The English Stig and I had the Aston Martin V12 Vantage and the Jaguar XKR – perfect cars for drifting. It was like Torville and Dean, right up to the point that I spun out. Nonetheless, Stig and I got 12 points out of 20.
"Beat that, Bruce!" I challenged.
Then it was the Aussies' turn. But then, when they saw their cars...
"What now?" I asked, agitated of the Aussies' whinging.
"What happened to the Holdens we had?" Pam asked, indignantly.
"They are Holdens!"
"They're not!"
"Well, they're Vauxhalls."
"Yeah, which is the anemic British cousin."
Obviously, if they lost this, the Ashes were all over. So they got out, and proceeded to drift. Amazingly, during their run, Pam and the Aussie Stig crashed.
"Oh, you boxhead!" Bernan groaned.
Pam felt like she aimed a scud missile at her own ladies' area.
"What a boxhead," Angelica exasperatedly sighed.
As a result, Davina scored Pam quite low.
"One?" she complained.
"You hit the Stig!" Angelica exclaimed.
However, Jamiebel then made a complete mistake in her scoring.
"Jay-bee!" I shouted. "You gave them 11!"
"I thought it had a [decimal] point on it! I thought it said 1.1!" she argued.
I turned to the Aussies. "Look at her, that stupid idiot gave you 11!"
"So what does that give us?" Bernan asked.
"Do you not do maths in Australia? 11 and 1.1 –"
"Is 12.1."
"And I got two 6s..."
Which is 12. And that means...
"We win! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Angelica laughed, in victory.
"What's the point of cheating if you're going to be incompetent?" I shouted at Jay-bee.
"We win!" Pam replied, with pride.
"Hell, yes," Bernan remarked. "Thanks, Jay-bee!"
Now it started to make sense: England 2, Australia 1. They were back in the game.
Afterthebreak:JimEligino,sheepandmotorbikes.Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?
(Intermission:Now is an intermission. I suggest taking 5, just to get your mind back together again. If not, ignore this, and let's find out what happens next in the Top Gear Ashes!)
The next challenge was sheep herding on motorcycles – but we'll skip that. In short word form: The Aussies rounded up all the sheep, and we lost all of them.
The Top Gear Ashes – Australia vs. England – were all tied up. We won the first two events; the Working Man's Drag Race and the Down Under Double-Decker Race, but they won the Tandem Stig Drift and Motorcycle Sheep final event is a rallycross at Corbury Park Estate - the final site for our Ashes challenge. This would involve a team of two – Angelica and Pam for the Aussies, and Jamiebel and Davina for the English. Both will be driving identical Proton Satria Neo S2000s. And no, we will not use our Stig, and for good reason.
You see, a few years ago, Davina and Alyssa Castillo (of Top Gear Italy) flew to Finland to meet with racing legend Mika Häkkinen. He taught Davina and Alyssa "the Finnish Way of Car Control", starting on observing, then he taught them how to powerslide a car, then how to race on gravel (despite Mika not being very good on gravel.) The next day, both Davina and Alyssa were entered in a typical Finnish weekend race, or a jokamiesluokka*, as the locals call it. In the end, Davina finished 1st, and Alyssa finished in 3rd. With that result from Davina, we can expect her to be our saviour of the Ashes. And again, we will not use our Stig. Really.
(*Everyone's Class, in English)
Pam asked Angelica just before they started if she ever drove a rally car. She said yes, and this should even out the odds. Given their 15 second head-start, Angelica and Pam blasted out of the starting gates, and then, after 15 seconds, Jamiebel and Davina did so, too. Meanwhile…
"So, do you not have houses like that in Australia?" I asked Bernan.
"That's not a house," he answered, simply.
"It is. Beautiful house. We have smaller houses in England, just not that many."
Back on the course, Davina was driving like a woman possessed, thanks to her Finnish Car Control lesson. Angelica definitely needed all the help she can get – unfortunately, she had Pam.
"What do those notes say – anything useful or what?" Angelica questioned.
"I dunno, I can't read them," Pam answered.
"The point of the notes is that you're meant to tell me stuff before it happens!"
"I dunno – 'round the corner!"
Luckily, Davina didn't need anyone's help.
"Wow, Dee-jae, you really have improved over the years, haven't you?" Jamiebel asked, suprised.
"I know – do you wanna read the notes, or do I just keep driving?" Davina joked.
Back at the finish line...
"Hey, what happens if Australia wins?" Bernan asked, curious.
"What, Australia beat England?" I replied. "When did that last happen at anything?"
"That happened in the 2007 Ashes, and in a 2003 friendly at Upton Park. And I have a list. Need I say more?"
"Let's Google that right now – "Australia Wins". Let's just see what it says – Australia wins... no matches!"
And Angelica was finding it hard to match Davina, because she was bearing down on her and Pam, but now by 6 seconds. And back to me and Bernan.
"Alright, wait a minute, "England beats Australia", and ready?" I replied. I gasped in mock horror, after seeing my phone explode with so much information.
Now with Davina closing fast, information is exactly what she could've used right now. Right, Pam?
"Uh, exclamation mark and a 3 L," Pam finally announced.
Back at the finish, Bernan and I were reviewing wins from the Ashes and the Rugby World Cup for both England and Australia. Back on the track, Davina was really on the ragged edge, and this edge came around when she and Jay-bee finally caught up with Angelica and Pam, when there wasn't far to go. Angelica and Pam waited for the final cheat, and then...
"Hang on, Jay-bee!" Davina exclaimed. "This is gonna be a bit bumpy!"
"Oh, my God, Deeeee-jaaaaae!" Jamiebel screamed. "You've gone mad!"
Yep. Davina never deviated and sliced through the next corner, and she easily overtook the Aussies.
"Jim's done it again!" Pam groaned, in surprise. "It's a nice move, though."
Now all Davina had to do is finish ahead of the Aussies to win the Top Gear Ashes.
"Ohh, God, I can't see – Pam, I need your notes!" Angelica commanded.
"Um, according to this, er, 'enter hospital at high speed'," Pam confusedly announced.
Davina was keeping her pace as usual, still ahead of Angelica. And all she could see was her own opponent's dust. Literally. When they finally came round the last few corners…
"Who is that?" I questioned. "That can't be Davina driving, can it?"
In fact.…
"Yes!" Davina and Jamiebel screamed with joy.
"It's the United Kingdom!" I exclaimed with victory. I quickly turned over to Bernan and did the "traditional gesture". He fell over with laughter, as there was no escaping the fact that he, Angelica and Pam lost the Top Gear Ashes.
"We did it!" Jamiebel shouted with joy, as she and Davina group-hugged and jumped for joy. We shook hands with the Aussies one last time, congratulating them on giving us a competition of a lifetime. We, unlike our UK counterparts, were good sports in victory, and we said our good-byes, as we took home an urn full of ashes, representing the Top Gear Ashes. And no one was gonna take that from us.
Epilogue:
I got a call from Nina Valenzuela (from Top Gear Italy), congratulating me, Jamiebel and Davina on winning the Top Gear Ashes. But then the words suddenly came:
"Would you like to take us on in a series of challenges?"
I quickly accepted the challenge. Oh, boy, here we go again...
The End...
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for now!
Yep. There is a sequel coming. Expect it to come whenever "The X Factor" ends. Thank you so much for reading. Good night!