Watching him, there is a craving in my soul, churning and pulling at my heart.
Amazing how he would fight to the very end, to protect his friends, his dreams.
I would find myself wishing that someone would fight like that for me.
Someone kind, someone brave.
Someone like him.
Maybe just once…
***
Jealousy is an ugly blind thing. It's true.
But I'm not jealous.
I'm just longing.
They say misery loves it's company, but I have no company in it, so it's just misery.
Haha.
So I'm miserably alone. And wanting, wishing, almost, as I watch intently from the window's view.
The view that's like a glass case, reminding me how different I am from every one else. From what I want. What I need.
But the people keeping me here have different ideas about what I need.
Like pills, and sleep, and doctors. An infinite amount of all three.
So I watch from my glass case, I watch the people outside of the glass, where I have not ventured in so long, the people I have only really heard about, and watched from afar, people who don't remember or know I exist.
Most of the faces have blended together after a while, and sometimes I don't care. But then there are others, slightly familiar, like a static dream, the kind you can never really remember.
Or so I'll guess, because haven't dreamt in so long.
But there is one dream, and it seems like a dream in every aspect.
In my dream I'm not inside the glass. And I watch a boy fight.
Insane?
I know. Sometimes I think I really am. And if I'm not then soon I will.
But the boy in my dream fights for a reason. He fights for a beautiful reason. He fights to protect those dear to him. He fights for his ambitions, his dreams.
And it is so real. So different.
Deep cerulean oceans and bright gold locks.
His face I know I can always remember.
Always…
" Good morning, Saki-chan!"
I turn my back on my view of the other side of the world, and feel both anxious and sorrowful to leave it behind to greet my nurse.
Often, I think emotions are vicious.
" Ah, good morning, Hiro-kun,"
My nurse is male. Hirogashi-kun. A happy and kind young man not much older than myself, who dotes upon my needs. He thinks I am also kind and good.
But he is wrong. I am so selfish.
" You look solemn, Saki," he sets a tray of food down on the dresser resting at the end of the bed, and frowns, running a hand through his dark chestnut hair.
No, wouldn't you?
Sometimes I also feel Hiro-kun is stupid. But then I feel badly. There is, after all only enough room for certain feelings inside the glass.
" I'm fine actually, just a bit bored." I make sure my voice is not strained but calm, and let myself give him a genuine smile.
He smiles too, then, relieved I am as well as someone sick can be, but I cannot help notice his lingering look of worry before he speaks again, softly and kindly, the way he does.
" Good, I was worried 'you weren't feeling too well. " he then beckons me to sit on the off white sheets of the bed and I go quickly as I realize I am hungry.
" How's training?" I stare absentmindedly at the bright red apple I picked from the tray and hold in my hand before putting it to my lips. Sweet juice runs down my chin and I make a face as I rub it away.
Hiro chuckles and extends a long arm towards the nightstand next to the bed to reach for the brush lying there before bringing it to my head to brush the flat, boring, dark mess, that is my hair.
" Good, really, I've gotten pretty good if I say so myself," he smiles and lifts a stray piece of hair behind my ear, as I take another big bite out of the apple, deliberately chewing slowly as to think over my response.
" Does that mean you might leave for big missions?" I try keeping my voice from rising an octave as I realize what it would mean if he further advanced in his medical-nin training, but I can't help the worry that has leaked into my question.
If Hiro were gone then who would tease me? Who would be genuinely concerned for my well being from the bottom of his heart?
He was, right? He really cared about me didn't he?
"…" He is silent for a moment and all I can hear is the brush slowly moving through my hair in soft caresses. That and our breathing, his slow and hushed, mine a bit accelerated.
Can you die from accelerated breathing?
" Not anytime soon," Hiro breathes deeply but chuckles before peeking over my shoulder teasingly and giving me a smile and a nice good look into his hazel eyes. For a moment I think he can hear me think.
" That's too bad, I'm sorry for holding you back." I say this but almost smile, knowing my words are half hearted. I am greedy, I want attention.
" Not at all Saki, this is my job, and I love it." Good. Great. Wonderful.
" Okay," my voice is bright and one would have to be deaf to miss the joy his words bring me.
" Haha! You're such a good girl," He gently takes both sides of my head smiling.
" Now eat,"
I laugh a bit annoyed, having been treated like a small child rather than a fifteen year old. But I do as he says anyways, because he is not only my caretaker but my voice of reason.
Though even as I smile, my heart sinks slowly into the pit of my stomach and I cannot help but long for him, the boy, as my eyes are stolen from me and taken back to the windowsill looking out upon people who don't know I exist. Who don't care who I am.
I have a theory. I may have stolen it from someone else.
I've come to the conclusion that although they say you won't dream of whatever you were last thinking about, you will.
Simple.
My observations?
I thought of the blonde boy with crystal eyes at noon before I went to bed, and soon dreamt of him again. But I always think of him.
So perhaps my theory is biased and useless.
I can't care very much at the moment. I've awoken in the middle of the night.
And I can't go back to sleep.
And god, how I want to.
The radiant silver light of the moon falls into the room from my window, giving the white hospital room a pale ghost like feeling. So although it is late there is so much light.
I could stop it. I can simply crawl out of my sheets and walk over towards the window and draw the blinds. But I can't find it in myself to lock away my personal, special portal into normalcy.
Though I want to sleep. So badly. I want to dream of the boy.
" Gah!" I growl ill naturedly, in a way that would have gotten me scolded, finally struggling to disentangle myself from my warm white captives, out, until my bare legs are swung over the bedside and the soles of my feet pressed against cold tile.
Why is it that hospital floors are always so cold?
I shiver and push myself to stand, but I find myself weak in the knees and trembling.
Why? It isn't that cold either. It's spring. Early spring, but spring. Frowning, I slowly, for fear of falling over and breaking my skull, make my way half across the room, towards the moonlit glass window.
But as I finally stand before it, the same feeling comes to me, and I don't want to throw a cover over my glass case.
" Ahh," I sigh and lift a hand to press against the glass softly. Another hand, pale and small, meets my own, and I follow up the contours of it's owner's arms and shoulders, until my eyes meet a pair of flat emeralds set in a delicate searching face, framed with dark locks, shortly falling across narrow shoulders.
The person is small and seems to have a tired, exasperated, expression lingering at the corner's of her mouth, just as I expect, like mine.
A reflection.
Except this me seems to be outside of my glass, and I am inside.
I know I shouldn't be lonely. I have people like Hiro who care about me. But it's different. It's not the same kind of feeling. It's not lethal in it's power, in it's force.
I want to go outside more often and not be at risk. I want to not be sick.
I want to not have to want.
There they go again, those things, those emotions.
I smile bitterly at the other girl and let my hand drop to my side limply. I need to sleep. I do. But I also need to keep the glass clear. Just in case I can see him again. Like I did so long ago. Because, it's true, I realize now, I did.
I really did see him.
So I stand, waiting in the moonlight even though I know it won't happen, until I can no longer keep awake and collapse.
It hurts to wake up.
My muscles are tight and the cold is not helping.
But I can also feel the sun's rays caress my skin through my flannel sleep ware, lightly warming the parts of my body not in contact with the floor tile. It seems that in the last few days I've become quite lazy, because I suddenly don't want to get up.
Guaranteed, sleeping on the floor next to the windowsill might not be comfortable, or in my best interest, but in truth, I never meant to actually fall asleep staring out the window.
And I don't know why I thought it could be otherwise.
My body is not nearly as strong as I like to think after all.
Scorning my own naïve thoughts, I sigh and turn my head to stare up at the white ceiling.
I might get a bad cough soon. If I don't crawl over to the warm inviting bed.
But for some reason, I like laying here on the floor next to the window. Perhaps it's time Hiro checks me into the mental department as well.
Haha.
But my sudden sadism is interrupted as I hear the tapping of feet out in the hall.
It suddenly occurs to me I have a brain that I must use. My brain tells me the nurses and doctors will fret if my condition worsens. It also says Hiro will scold my carelessness when he arrives in a matter of seconds.
" …" I wince and scramble quickly on my knees towards the bed but stumble clumsily a few times before I climb hurriedly on the mattress and hastily pull the sheets over my torso, only giving myself a second to make sure it looks convincing enough.
Which means it's not.
" Saki?" Right on cue Hiro opens my door quietly and peeks at me with a brow raised.
I smile nervously and look down at the mangled looking sheets. They're partly draped across the floor and my pillow is not even on the mattress.
I'd hate to see what I look like.
" Yes, Hiro-kun?"
" Nothing…" he sighs and fully steps through the door, a tray of food with fruit and rice porridge on it, and a little napkin with the pills next to the water. He walks over and sets it on the dresser, like always, and I crawl over next to him not bothering to excuse myself to change out of my pajamas.
" Thank you," I make a face as he hands me the pills and water but take them anyways, Hiro laughing as I do.
It's ironic I hate the things that keep me healthy. But I can't help it.
When I finish swallowing I reach for the fruit, an orange, this time, and begin to peal it poorly, with my fingers and the tips of my short bitten away nails.
" I feel like I'm killing it." I laugh and hold the desecrated orange towards Hiro.
" Poor thing, It's massacred," He rolls his eyes and goes along with it before he stands and walks away and towards the door. I follow him with keen eyes.
" I'll be back later then, Saki." He smiles fondly and I nod. He always brings breakfast in the morning then leaves after I've taken my medicine, for his training. I'll have time to wash up before a doctor checks in and Hiro returns before noon.
" Ah, yeah," I watch him leave, in his cheerful demeanor and smile for a long while after I am alone again. But soon I become frustrated with my poor excuse of an orange and just bite into it, instead of separating clean slices. It seems I have a tendency to get messy while eating fruit.
" I'll have to bathe anyway." I murmur to no one in particular and sigh, before letting myself flop on to the mattress backward, and then quickly get up again, for I remember one isn't supposed to eat lying down for fear of choking.
And I don't want to die. Not yet.
Just not yet.
Though I can hardly think of reasons why.
Except one.
An image almost angelic in my personal vision flashes through my mind quickly and I don't know how to feel.
As I finish the last of the orange, I lick at the sticky juice left on my fingers like I'm not supposed to, and reach for the porridge. It is warm, like the light coming in through the window, and I smile as the heat warms my cold hands.
It feels nice.
I suddenly don't want to get rid of the warmth so soon.
So I sit there for a while just holding the bowl, my cheeks flushing like mad.
This is ridiculous, a little voice inside me scolds and I know the little Saki is right. So I relish the warmth one last moment, and then reach for the spoon lying on the tray, like a logical person should.
My legs begin to shake under me for a moment, and I hold my breath, waiting for my world to start spinning.
It doesn't.
" …" I frown, reluctantly searching for support from the sink's edge. Immediately I regain my balance and stare down at my feet frightened.
But I am fine. I don't feel light headed.
I'm fine.
Adverting my eyes, I bring my attention back to wringing the warm water out of my hair, all the while keeping close to the sink's steady surface.
When I finish I move out of my washroom slowly, taking light small steps.
Just in case.
But it doesn't happen again.
I am suddenly reminded of the night before, and my trembling limbs as I made my way towards the window…
I bite my lip cautiously before I decide to tuck the thought away and saunter into the room.
Because I can't let it happen. I cannot fall. I cannot stay away.
Almost unconsciously, I find myself walking back towards my, portal, my window. The floor is cold beneath my bare feet again, but it does not occur to me to slip into a pair of slippers or even socks. And I don't care much. All I feel is the magnetic force pulling me towards the pane of glass. All I see is the beautiful emerald limbs of the tree as it stands proud and magnificent only just behind, swaying in a light breeze.
I want to feel it too. Right then and there. I want the wind to blow through my hair in a familiar way, to let it touch my skin, like soft kisses pulling from head to toe.
I can, I know. But I don't want to wait for later, Hiro won't be back for so long, I…I… want it now… the hospital gardens don't count anymore either… I am tired of depending on others. I can do things myself too , I think excitedly as I lean against the windowsill, a huge smile forming upon my lips.
So I do.
Leaning all my possible weight into it, I heave at the windowsill, grunting as I try my best to make it move.
An inch…. A little more….
It hurts. The heavy metal frame bites into the skin of my palms, but I do my best to ignore it. What a coward I would be if I were to give up because of such pains? I would have long died.
" Ah!" there is a heavy thick sound as I manage to heave the frame halfway up and my smile transforms into a full grin.
I lean out into the breezy world, letting the wind pull at my hair, and brush the apples of my cheeks in swift and soft flickers.
The world below me is bright and earthy, the way I know it must always be, even after dark, so unlike the grays and whites and the pale artificial lighting in the hospital. The only source of golden, crisp, live light is from the window.
It must be because it is the world of the living, where being alive might mean so much more than the beating of a heart and the intake of oxygen.
If so, then I might be dead…
The thought sends a shiver through my spine, and I realize how cold it is, or rather, how cold I feel it's gotten.
I frown and know I should not have spent so much time with my head sticking out the window like an idiot, especially now in early spring, when the winter months have only but just ended. Besides it's almost time for someone to check on me.
I know that. But I want to wait a little longer. I want to watch the fountain set at the building's front, and the paved little square that leads to the dusty streets, where regular people walk by, doing normal non-sick things, leaving their foot prints behind in the dust, where they will then be replaced with another set of feet.
Just a while more…
There is a girl standing out on the little paved square now. She seems taller than me, maybe older too. Her hair is short and a washy pink. It looks out of place with the darker earthy world. Almost gaudy. But I like it.
I have seen her nearby many times before, coming and leaving the hospital, and although I have never met her, I am sure she trains as a medical-nin, like Hiro.
I watch someone go through the doors below, and step towards her. She greets them, familiar and perky, and they begin to converse.
What are they talking about? Can they feel my watchful eyes on the back of their heads? Can-
" Saki!" I feel a jerk of surprise jump through my body as I hear my name called, and I am pulled back into my hospital room. My white, gray, and artificially glowing, hospital room. There, at the threshold stands one of the doctors, a middle aged woman who's name I cannot bring myself to remember at the moment. Her mouth is set in a discouraging, tight, line, and the hint of the worry she doesn't want me to see creases her brow.
" Yes?" I answer softly, meekly, my face warming.
" Saki-chan, It's awfully cold today dear, please close that window, you'll get sick,"
I feel my stomach twist into a tiny knot for a moment, because I know it's not that cold, and because even though it's not that cold, she is right because I do feel cold, and because I know she probably meant " you'll get sicker".
But the moment passes quickly and I scold myself. I know I shouldn't jump to ill conclusions. I should be thankful that this woman cares.
" Ah, yes, sorry," I smile apologetically, and turn back towards the window, my escape… I reach towards it and heave, but it refuses to come down.
I sigh, and try applying more pressure before the doctor can stop me, and still, it refuses to move more than a few inches.
Soon enough, I feel the doctor's gentle, but restraining hand upon my shoulder, heavy and stable. It makes my shoulders feel thin and small.
I step aside and let her do it.
It comes down right away.
" There now, how are you this evening?"
" I'm doing well, thank you,"
We walk to my unmade bed, and I throw myself onto the covers face up. Her eyes flicker to my bare feet, and I can see her expression of disapproval and I think she will lecture my carelessness.
But instead, her gaze is directed towards my window.
It is quiet for a few moments, and then I know we are both wondering how I could have gotten it open in the first place.
****
" I heard you didn't make your bed again today," Hiro murmurs, my chin held between his fingers as he kneels at my bedside. His smile is sweet, and I know he's only pretending to scold me.
" That's why I have you for," I tease boldly, although I am secretly hoping he doesn't take it badly. I'm not very good at joking this way.
But Hiro does not glare at me and leave. Instead he grins broadly and chuckles before patting my cheek and leaning over to his left to get me a glass of water. " Probably!"
I take it gently in my hands, relieved, and smile. He is doting on me again.
" So how did your training go?" I ask, the cup pressed closely against my lips so that I can feel my breath clouding the glass.
" I'm at a good pace. We did bone fissures today." He's still smiling now, but I can see the far off look in his eyes, as he thinks back to his other work. The one that doesn't involve me.
" That's good right? " I try not to think about cracks and breaks in my bones.
" Yeah, exercises so I don't get rusty," he says as he stands to get my dinner. It's sitting at my dresser table. Like always.
I smile as he sits the tray at my lap, and the aroma of rice and soup remind me I have a stomach. As I begin to eat, Hiro watches me fondly.
" So how was the rest of your day?"
Oh.
As soon as the question leaves his mouth, I make sure to shove as much rice as humanly possible into my own, so as to buy myself time to think. Does Hiro know that I had my head out the window all afternoon? Did the doctor tell him?
I don't want him to know. Not because I think he will harshly scold me, he spoils me too much to, and I know I didn't do anything bad, really, but because I don't want to fail him. I want him to think I am as obedient as he believes I am. I want to be a genuinely selfless person, if only in his eyes.
The kind of person who would never lethis brows furrow with worry.
The kind of person the blond boy with crystal eyes was.
This last thought sends a throbbing bane of longing through my chest, and I swallow the rice almost painfully.
" Good, you know, the usual. I-" my eyes quickly dart to the untouched novel lying at my bedside."-read a little, spoke to the doctors, and stuff. Kind of boring."
Hiro nods, understanding, and extends a long arm to pat the top of my head. I vaguely ponder Hiro's intelligence once again… how can he believe me?
" It'll get better, okay, Saki?" he smiles as he says it, and I don't know what to believe. I know it's not always been this way, I was a person outside once too, my footprints had been replaced once too, I saw the boy once before…
I want to see him again. My breath almost catches in my throat because Hiro insinuates I can, someday. I want to believe Hiro, no matter how naïve we're both being.
" Okay," I say, and brush my hair behind my ear before picking up a spoon and starting with my soup.
Later that night, I only stare across the room for a moment, before losing myself to unconsciousness, because the longing suddenly doesn't feel so hopeless. I sleep almost peacefully.
Calm before the storm.
Proper spring weather has progressed over the course of a week, and a crisper, softer temperature has taken the scene. By this time, I am more than positive I would not be scolded for opening my window.
But even so, I've not tried to get it open again. I don't know if I could.
What if I can't? If it had been only a miraculous incident due to the rise of adrenaline?
I'd been as well informed as anyone who lived in a hospital could be, and I'd heard adrenaline rushes were capable of multiplying human strength and speed. What wouldn't be possible?
But adrenaline isn't something I can trigger at will. I can imagine myself now, crushed by the rising pressure of helplessness and being so close to something I can never get.
I don't want to feel that way. Emotions are vicious.
But even so, I can't stop thinking. I can't stop looking.
I imagine what it would be like having the blond boy smile warmly for me, holding my hand as we walk out in a field of wild grasses, and trees, and everything I don't have, everything I want, everything I can only vaguely see through the window. I'd tell him everything and then I'd fall into his glorious, ocean blue eyes…
I quickly find myself beginning to stand from my perch on the floor, the book I'd attempted to read flopping onto the floor face down off my lap. Hesitantly, I set my jaw straight and set myself gently back into my sitting position, because there's only one place I know I had intended to go.
But even as I scorn my lack of self control, I cannot help but give up on my reading excuse, tossing the novel onto the bed's mattress behind me.
Would it have been better if I'd been addicted to some kind of narcotic instead of a window?
Probably. If so, what I wanted could always be in my reach. I mean, hospitals are loaded with all sorts of drugs. I should know. They practically keep me alive.
But I know it's not really the window I need to soothe my withdrawal aching.
It's everything on the other side.
I sigh and let my head roll back onto the bed, which again I've not bothered to make. The inside of my mouth feels thick and swollen, the saliva that should be keeping it moist disappearing, leaving a slimy residue. Ew.
Passing my tongue over my lips, I lean towards the end of the bed, and reach for the glass of water situated at the ever useful dresser table. Just as I put my lips to the glass and sip, I hear the shrill tone of an argument ring through my ears. Almost in a synchronized motion my hand twitches and the glass slides out of my hand as I jump, startled. Wide eyed, I watch the crystal substance shatter into a thousand glittering , sharp pieces.
So fast. It happens so fast.
Cautiously, I move away, backing away from the broken glass so as not to injure myself. As I take another backward step I let a yelp escape my slightly parted lips as I hear someone speaking loudly again.
Whomever it is, is speaking so loudly I can hear through my two story window.
Curious, and slightly irked, I take the opportunity to hurriedly wonder towards the window and peek below.
Almost immediately my lungs swell with gratitude.
It's as if the glass of water, or the sleepless nights, and the hours spent longing , never happened.
Standing out at the very center of the paved square stands the pink haired girl I've seen so many times before… At her side is a young man with bright golden messy hair, a sun-kissed complexion and bright blue eyes I can see even from here.
I cannot breathe. I cannot speak, I can only struggle to confirm that the image I am seeing is that of the person I thought about every day, and the person I dreamt about, and apparently the person so loud I could hear from my window.
I can see him. I can see him. I can see him, I can see him.
I stand at my windowsill and see what I've wanted to see for so long, my eyes following his every movement, his every expression, but too excited to properly analyze what they mean.
Finally, I realize I've been holding my breath, as my vision begins to blur, so I inhale deeply, and before I know it I can't stop. I can't get enough. My breathing accelerates as I begin gulping for air; hyperventilating.
It's not enough.
It's not enough to watch him, to let him slip away when we are so close…
It's not enough…
Quick but not nimble, I begin to fumble with the windowsill, clutching and pulling, tugging and heaving. Shaking, I realize, it's the only thing keeping us apart…
I begin pushing again, white hot determination burning my throat and eyes. But although I can feel the energy coursing, burning through my bloodstream, I can't get it to move higher than a few inches above my fingers. It's stuck. Stuck.
I can feel the hot tears spilling from my eyes as my head spins and I claw desperately at the walls and window pane for something to hold, for an escape. By this time, nothing else matters anymore. I need to get to him, everything that matters is on the other side of the window pane that taunts me so… suddenly my palm makes heavy contact with glass.
And then my mind flashes blankly, and the answer is so simple.
So fast. It happens so fast.
The sound of breaking glass is all I hear before I realize what I've done.
Slowly, one by one, my senses return to me, and the when they do, the first thing I hear is a high pitched shriek that has me vaguely wondering whether it was the pink haired girl, or myself.
Then, I feel the stinging. A wet, sharp pain that has my limbs throbbing before it begins to burn….
Terrified, I clutch to the wall keeping me from falling below with the shattered pieces of glass, and as I look below, the first thing I see is crimson liquid spilling out of my right hand and wrist, warm and wet…
Blood.
I'm bleeding.
I open my mouth to scream, but no sound comes, but the pounding of my heart and the dripping of blood leaving my body… the image of a small, ghostly pale, corpse, bled dry, flashes in my head, and I feel my stomach twist into an enormous knot before bile begins to make it's way up my throat.
But before I can wretch, I swallow painfully, the burning filling my eyes with new tears, as I hear the loud cursing.
With the little energy I have left, I manage to find the source of the sounds as I shake.
The boy is growling obscenities wildly as he goes to his female companion's aid, and I begin searching their bodies for injuries, frightened I'd hurt him.
I need to ask them if they're okay. I need to tell him I'm sorry, so very sorry. I need to call his name, but I don't know it.
I don't know whether he hears my pathetic sobbing first, or felt my eyes at his back, or if he simply turned to the direction from which the chaos unfolded, but his cerulean eyes meet my dark ones curiously, and I shut my eyes as I wail before I may see him stare accusingly into my soul, because I know he would be right.
I am stupid. I was selfish, and petty, and now I got what I deserved. Ididn't even know his name. I was so stupid.
Well ,Saki, you wanted him to notice you, and you got what you wanted.
" SAKI!"
I can only sob harder as I hear the others rush into the room, and what could only be Hiro clutching my shoulders tightly, asking me if I'm okay.
Hiro. I failed Hiro. All I ever did was want. Want. Want. Want. I am spoiled. Even now, I am selfish, making him worry, and wishing to disappear.
" Oh, god," I hear him gasp when I know he's seen the blood, and how much there is. And then the doctors are trying to hold me still so he can take me.
And I know the boy who's name I can't call is watching, and that he will never want me.
"Saki,"
"Mnn."
"Saki,"
I know who's there. I know the faces, and the voices of the people coming and going, replacing sheets, and medicines, and even the needles.
I am not asleep.
I wish I were, I wish I were dreaming. I wish I'd dreamt it all. The same way I'd dreamt of the loneliness. The darkness creeping into my life. The same things I can't forget.
But I am awake.
Numb, but awake.
" Saki,"
They won't leave. They can't. They fear I'll die. I'll break, or suffocate, or maybe kill myself.
They don't know. I don't know. There are so many possibilities. But I don't want to die.
I just wish I'd never been born in the first place.
I am a burden.
" Saki,"
As, vaguely as I can, I let a muffled moan out, and clutch tightly at the pillow I hold close to my face.
"Saki, how do you-"
I let out another significantly audible complaint. In truth, it does hurt. I am sore, and numb and confused all at the same time.
"Sensei…"
" Oh, yes…"
" She won't speak to anyone else…"
" Yes, of course."
I know the voice that speaks calmly, and the hand that touches my back next. It is the same person who carried me away from staring eyes, and lay with me, for the last half hour. It is Hiro.
But I cannot bare to look into his worried eyes.
" Saki, It's okay. Just keep as comfortable as you want okay?"
I nod into the pillow. He chuckles softly.
It is quiet, as he gently pats my side in a comforting gesture, like that of a mother or brother.
" …Saki, the doctors need to know what happened."
I can hear the hesitance as he speaks, and I know he wishes he didn't have to make me unhappy. But he cares too much not to. He has to. And I must answer. Neither of us have a choice. But I can't tell him about the boy…
" Ifwauntetogoouwtswide."
" What?"
I let out a less serious moan in exasperation, and lift my head centimeters above the pillow. This time my answer is not so unintelligible.
" I wanted to go outside."
The way I've said it is soft and heavy, as if the words were spoken by a sulking child. But Hiro is satisfied, even with my poor excuse of an explanation. He knows I always want to be outside. He knows how I watch through the window. The window who's pieces have been shattered and scattered on the hospital tile where I have once fallen asleep.
" I see…"
He does not scold my impatience. He can do it later. When I won't cry.
I hold my breath as his hand leaves my backside, and he promises to comeback soon.
I hold my breath because he will tell the doctors. Because they might consider getting me a therapist.
But mostly, I hold my breath because he believed me, even though I didn't tell him everything.
As I hear his footsteps fade into the corridors, I inhale quickly, savoring the air, and I realize my arms and knuckles have begun to sting again. But I won't call for a nurse. I won't tell. I need to suffer silently.
It isn't that bad anyway. Humiliation was worse.
But I let myself sink into the mattress, into the sheets, and into a dull sleep. As I do, I cannot help but feel guilty. For not telling Hiro I didn't just do what I did because I wanted fresh air. For ruining everything.
It would have been much easier if I couldn't feel…
When I first open my eyes, I can hardly bare the urge to shut my eyes and crawl away into a pit in the ground somewhere not even ninja trained dogs could find me.
But then as soon as I feel the pain shoot through my system I drop the idea like fire, baring my teeth as I resist the urge to scream. With labored movements and a heavy heart I manage to squirm enough to let loose my right hand, blood staining the bandages wrapped around it.
Stupid as I was, I'd managed to trap my arm beneath my side in my sleep.
Figures.
Wincing, I hold my hand palms forward, towards my face and examine the dirty wounds. Clumps of drying, sticky, clotted blood covers my wound…
I catch my breath and turn my head away quickly and fall back into the sheets, my arm outstretched stiffly in front of me in the air.
It needs to be cleaned and re-bandaged, but I can't stand the thought of a nurse looking at me with eyes full of pity or one of the new interns cooing at me like an idiot.
I'll keep it to myself. Just for a few minutes. I know I shouldn't. Hadn't I learned anything recently?
Manipulated by the heavy pain in my chest, I let my arm rest at my side-farther away this time- so as not to make the same stupid mistake again, and shut my eyes.
But as soon as I have, my arm begins to ache again, and I know I need to cope with my injury.
What would Hiro do if he saw me now? He'd die. I'd be scolded by the others. I might be sentenced to imprisonment on homicide charges because I worried him to death. They couldn't put me on death row. I'm already in for the long run…
I am so selfish.
I pretend to ignore the wetness on my cheeks before turning my head into my pillow to wipe my face. I can't let them see me cry. Not them. Not some stupid nurse. Not again.
Hesitantly, I turn my face upwards and reach for the red button by the bedside. I never thought I'd miss my old room. But I do. It didn't have a red button next to the bed. Or an IV stand… or a window… not anymore…
" Yes?"
"Umm, I need some help up here please?" my voice is meek and small. So unlike the cruel girl I am.
"Of course miss Saki, I'll send someone right away. Is there anything specific you need?"
The receptionist's voice is full of cheery concern.
" Ah.." I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling her to ditch the nurse and send Hiro.
"No, thank you." I push myself to be as polite as possible, the way I know I should. Sick or not, manners are manners they told me…
"Very well, miss."
There's a short pause and a click and the static voice fades and I am left alone again. Late afternoon light spills through the window in this room. It's so wrong. I want to hate it.
Face stoic, I move my mostly uninjured legs out of the lights way and pull them over each other onto my side. It's not until a few moments later, that I notice I've gone into the fetal position.
" Saki-san?"
That was fast.
I look to the doorway to see a blond nurse, peaking at me with curious dark eyes.
" Ah, hi." I don't bother getting up. I wonder if I should smile.
But I don't. Instead I lay there small and hurt.
" What is it you need sweetheart?" I've appealed to her sympathetic side.
"I…" The pain in my hand and wrist hasn't faded yet. It's just as strong. But there's another, overwhelming burning. Vaguely, I have time to wonder if I've suddenly caught an allergy to the sun…
" Can you shut the drapes please?"
"Oh, sure…" eyebrows raised, she walks over the window and does as I've asked. As soon as the only light coming in is the one from the light bulb at the ceiling, I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
"So, anything…" she turns to me gently then chokes on her words when she sees my arm limp away from my side. Her thoughts are as clear on her face as the brightly colored sleeping pills Hiro has tried to sneak into my water before. Her eyebrows are shot up high in her face, and she even let out a little gasp. I know she's wondering why I didn't tell her about it first.
It makes me realize I don't particularly like how easy people are to read. Because it means I'm more than likely no different.
"Saki-san, you have a visitor,"
What?
" Saki?" I let myself stir just the slightest bit.
"She seems to be sleeping sir,… perhaps you should come back later…" The woman speaks again, and I can imagine her staring expectantly at my back side as she stands by the door with whomever it is standing beside her.
" That's her? Saki-chan.? " The woman I presume to be a nurse grunts a slightly agitated "yes" as her earlier statement seems to have been ignored. Ignored by the person I don't know but seems to be comfortable enough to add an endearing suffix to my name… why?
I feel my heart racing as the sound of sandaled feet on the room tile is heard, and I feel a sudden warmth at my side.
Don't open your eyes…
"huh…"
"She's the one?"
Oh no. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
"Hai. Sir, really, she needs her rest. " the nurse seems to be getting more agitated by the second. But I don't think either of us can care any less. His breath is at my neck. And I know he can hear my heart beat. Or see the slight twitch at my jaw as I struggle to keep a sleeping face. He knows.
But I can't bear to open my eyes. I can't let him talk to me. What would he say if I did? He knows I'm pretending.
" Sir…" Why is she so bad tempered? Is it him? Is he doing something? Can she hear the erratic beating too? Does she think I'm going to die? Does he really hate me? Did he come here to scold my stupidity?
" Ah, yeah! Sorry!" Oh. I let out a frightened sigh as he seems to jump away from me rather loudly. Did I jump?
Clack. Thump. Clack. Thump. Clack. My brain takes turns alternating between the thumping of my heart and the sound of his disappearing footsteps.
And then they've left, he's left, and it's quiet, and I can hear his words, like thunder roaring in echoes in my head: I'll be back later.
He'll be back later. He was going to come see me. He wanted to.
My breathing is deep now, and I turn onto my back so I can swallow as much air as I can. The air where he stood just seconds ago, the stranger. My stranger.
It seemed stupid, my reaction now, even after what I'd done, and the way I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes . Because I knew, that if I did, the way, I could have just now, I would have seen wide cerulean orbs, Stare. Right. Back. At. Me.
If I'd opened my eyes…
I could have-
"I had a feeling you were awake!"
My eyes open in an instant the moment he speaks, and my feet are on the floor a moment later, because there, peeking through the open window and around the drawn blinds is a grinning boy, his yellow blond hair bright, and his ocean blue eyes warm and wide, like they could swallow me whole…
"…" My breath is stuck in my throat all over again. I can't speak.
"Are you Okay?" He moves around the drapes; they are billowing lightly in the breeze he's brought through the open window.
He moves a bit closer towards me, and leans forward curiously.
I must look rather stupid, I realize, my mouth opening and closing the way it is, my eyes wide, and –I feel it now- burning because I refuse to blink. Because he might not be there again when I open them.
"Saki-chan?"
There it is again. Is he taunting me?
" I… How?" before I know it, the words have left my lips. They are rushed and gnarled. Confused the way I am.
The boy raises a blond brow-just slightly- not at all giving him the cynical, stoic appearance I've seen on myself, but giving him a rather soft, confused look. Almost like a puppy of some sort…
" Whadd'ya mean?" his lips move in a slightly pouted manner as he phrases the question, and I can't help but let my eyes linger on them for the slightest moment, my cheeks-if possible- going redder. But I dare not look into his eyes. I am afraid.
"Uhm-" What had I asked again? Why had I asked it? Faster than I thought my brain could function, a thought forms in my mind, and I realize vaguely, that he'd gotten here, and is here, because he's gone through my window- which is strange, not only because I've never seen anyone come through a window like that, but because he had only left the room with the nurse moments earlier.
"- How did you do that- get here so fast?" They aren't the words I'd wanted to say, but to say I'm completely surprised my words sound not nearly as shaken as I thought they were before is an understatement. But they do. I force myself to blink now, because the burning has become unbearable, and the boy is looking at me as if he's deciding whether I'm crying or not.
"I'm not crying. I—I had something in my eye," I say it quickly and rub at my eye, adverting my gaze as I do. I feel the need to persuade him I'm not a coward. I can't let him think I'm so weak. Already he's seen such an awful part of me. But my voice seems to crack anyway as I speak.
Just as I think about it, I can't help but search his face and limbs for injuries. There's only a bandadge on the side of his left cheek though, and what look like little scars across each side of his face, like whiskers- but they don't seem to be recent on his sun kissed skin.
Vaguely I cant help but wonder were they've possibly come from…
"Oh. Well,um, I used a shadow clone before." He seems to have caught my gaze and gives me a bashful grin as he explains. I stare a bit blankly for a moment then nod as I realize he must mean a ninja technique of some sort.
" Okay-That's cool right?" My voice is strained and more than uncertain and I know he must realize I don't really know what he means, because he grins a bit wider and watches me with smug eyes.
" Yeah, It is."
Silence.
What now? What do I say? I can feel my heart beat in my ears when I stop thinking. It makes me un-easy. Guilt begins to fill me up as well, and I blink again, desperately hoping I won't start crying now. I remember how strong the urge to apologize was before, as I sobbed on tile floor…
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please-I mean- I'm so sorry,"
I sound desperate as I suddenly speak, but I've managed to hold back any possible tears. I must be brave. Even as I cry stupidly in front of the person I've been hoping for so long…
"Huh?" The boy seems confused for a moment, as his grin disappears, leaving a frown in it's place. He suddenly makes his way towards me, and stands there, just inches away me. My eye brows furrow and I take several deep shallow breaths before starting another stream of apologies, feeling awkward, and stupid, and not likeable in any sense.
. He seems to pause for a second before he speaks, the same look he had when he thought I was crying returning to his face.
" Why are you apologizing? " He gazes at me with his big blue eyes, looking exactly like he doesn't have a clue…Could it be?
He couldn't possibly be serious could he?
" I hurt you! " My voice rises an octave, and my vision is strained and fuzzy. "The window- earlier today…."
" That? Yeah that's why I'm here. I wanted to see who you were." His eyes are so sincere as he says it. Not a single hint of hate swimming in his ocean of blue. I feel my balance tremble for a few moments. Falling, I manage to contemplate, might not be so bad now.
"What?" my mouth is hanging open again. I hesitate nervously before closing it and opening it again to speak. "You,-you're not mad?" my voice trembles as I speak. Vaguely, I think I must sound hysterical. And then, sharp and quick, I realize-of course I am.
" Not really." He stares at me now, his voice just slightly softer than before; I'm sure he can see it, the twisted, needy confusion crawling in and out of my chest, laboring my breathing and burdening my thoughts.
I can't believe it.
As quickly as they start coming, I wipe away the hot tears that fall down my cheeks, startled and distressed.
I can't believe it.
'I can't believe it'.
It goes on like that for so long; thoughts no longer so vague running through my head fast and hard. It could be only a few seconds, or long capable minutes, But at last, when it seems like I've broken, I feel a strange warmth by my side; a warmth I never thought I'd really feel. Not like this.
I'm standing here, stupid and confused, in front of the boy I've always wanted to see, making an entire fool of myself for the second time in one day. He's leaning over me, his hand resting at my shoulder now,- and I know if it hadn't been like this-if I weren't so near the edge, and if I we were somewhere else,- I might have been admiring how much taller he is than me, and how warm his hand is, and how his touch, even through the cotton summer dress Hiro's forced onto me, sends shivers through ought my body.
" Hey, don't cry," His voice is gentle as he grips my shoulders, and he locks cerulean blue eyes with my own. I'd forgotten how bright they were. How endless they could seem. Even when I'd only seen them so vaguely, so long ago…
Suddenly everything's okay. It's not better. But it's okay.
Emotions are vicious. I always thought so.
But there's nothing I can do about it.
Because out of everything that I'm afraid of, this, I'm not.
It's stupid, isn't it? oh man, I swear, these things will always be so much better in your head, won't they? -.- feel free to complaint about the mental damage involving any inconsistancy or lack of Naruto and awesomeness. I have no idea what happened at the end. There just wasn't a good way it could end as a oneshot :O. Really. And it's one of my older pieces too(hehehe excuses!). I do have several ideas for an ongoing romantic plot, but I don't know if I should work on it... would you guys want to see what happens after this? hmmm. WELL, THANKS FOR READING ANYWAYS, LOVELOVELOVELOVE LURVVVVVV,
Kiasarene 3