All along, it was a matter of letting you have your memory… or your sanity. It wasn't my choice to make, nor was it Kairi's- and yet, somehow, we ended up deciding for you. We never asked for what you wanted, not once- I guess we were both so scared you'd try and risk losing yourself, just so you could keep loving her.
Kairi adored you, you have to know that. She loved you so much, so completely. That's why she decided your safety was the priority. She didn't want to watch you be corrupted, be destroyed from the inside. You were going to fall to darkness, and when you did, the Riku we knew wouldn't exist anymore. I think that's why I agreed to changing your memory.
We agreed that, no matter what, you had to be happy with whatever past, whatever future, that I gave you. It was Kairi who suggested… about what I made you believe had happened between you and me. She begged me to give you somebody to believe in, to fall for- and I wasn't able to say no, not with Kairi so desperate. I knew how guilty I would feel afterwards, but I agreed, and put you to sleep. You didn't want to go, I remember. You yelled and you protested and you fought as hard as you could not to lose your memory. In the end, I lied to you. I'll never forgive myself, because I told you, right to your face, that you'd remember Kairi when you woke up. You only agreed because I said that.
You were always so unstable, until you forgot about the darkness. After you did, what I saw in you stunned me- how open you were, how much you smiled and… how much you loved me. Is that what it felt like, then, being Kairi? I'd always been in her shadow, always wanted to be her. Maybe, with you around, I could make my wishes of being complete come true…
But of course I couldn't. I was nothing but a shell, a fragile doll- so easy to break because there was so little of my being in the first place. Every time you were sweet to me, when you told me how you "felt" about me… that only made me gradually worse and worse. You could never pull me out of my depression, because I could never tell you why, terrified that if I triggered your real memories, I would also bring all your darkness back. My feelings felt real where you were concerned, even though I knew I couldn't have a heart, even though they were built on the foundation of a bunch of memories I'd made up myself.
I didn't want you to be a ticking time bomb again, so I faked my smile and let my heart ache.
And then she came. The woman from the Organisation, the ones who were always after you because they thought you might be able to help them. They were Nobodies, just like me, but they saw you as dough in their hands, a puppet- and I only admired you, for all your emotions and flaws. She knew you were vulnerable, and much weaker than before, all thanks to me messing with your memory. The darkness that was killing you was also your best weapon, and I'd stolen that along with your heart. You were no match for her, and she beat you down relentlessly. I couldn't bear to watch, knowing it was all my fault you weren't able to defend yourself. I threw myself between the two of you and begged her to stop. I was knocked away, like the pathetic doll I am, and she left us. I didn't try to move, too ashamed that you'd been so ruined by my influence. I remember, or at least, I might have fooled myself into believing that you cried over me.
It took its' toll on you, the fight and the injuries and the stress over me… and your memory, the Riku I'd been trying so frantically to save and preserve- that part of you snapped. Your real past returned, along with your darkness. You knew Kairi. You knew nothing of me. And your heart was about to explode.
You didn't understand anything, and I didn't have time to explain Kairi's wishes or my intent- you just knew that your memory had been changed, you weren't with Kairi, and that I was somehow the only person around. You put two and two together, and blamed me for everything. Which, considering the circumstances, was completely fair.
When you went to attack me, though, I panicked. Desperate to save my own skin, I tried to rearrange your memory again. I didn't have the time, but I had the means, so it changed again- but very crudely. I couldn't get rid of the darkness, and that scared me so, so much… But I carried on with my act, living away my fantasy though the old you was so different to the you I was experiencing then. I was in love with you, there was no questioning it, but you were so easily angered, so easily hurt and persuaded otherwise. You knew I was feeling wary about changing you, especially when I'd had so little affect on your fate- because, after all, my original task had been to save you from the darkness, but it had come back, and I was losing you to it, just like Kairi was. You yelled at me, saying I'd never cared about you. All sorts of horrible things.
And then? You left, and I honestly thought I wasn't ever going to see you again. You couldn't have more than a few days left, before your heart finally was destroyed. Once those days had passed, I convinced myself you were already just a puppet of the darkness, a pawn among many. Your soul was gone, and I'd failed in saving it.
Riku… I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stop you. It's been nearly a year now… I hope you're still alive out there. The Riku I know, I mean. Sure, it's a very slim chance, but maybe you found a way. You were always so much stronger than me, inside and out. You could still be alive, soldiering on out there someplace… I wonder if you still have that tacky little good luck charm I gave you. Maybe you do. I'd like to think, if you are alive, you've settled down, found a girl… Though, knowing you, that won't be true.
If you were out there, given the chance again?
I'd do anything to have a day with you. Forget a day, an hour- just so those things I have unsaid can finally be free. And, if need be… I'd sacrifice anything to make sure you had a full life. That your darkness could never threaten you again. Why?
…Well, Riku, that's one of the little unsaid things. And I wouldn't want to get ahead of myself, now would I?