Notes: Well, here we go again. Because I'm still frustrated with my Big bang story and I watched the Once and Future Queen last night and this little story popped up out of nowhere.
o.
Merlin thinks he has learned by now who he is, and Merlin thinks he has realized by now who he and Arthur will never become. They're master and servant, friends, but not really friends, and they trust each other. They've come a long way from the people they used to be. It's all Merlin can ask for, but still it never seems to be enough.
Gwen is perfect for Arthur. Merlin truly hopes that they will find a way to be together, because Gwen is just what Arthur needs. She will make a beautiful and kind Queen one day, Merlin thinks. She's still just a maidservant, but Merlin can see where this is headed, she will be much more one day and it's meant to be like that.
And it hurts Merlin, more than he'd like to admit; it hurts because Merlin and Arthur aren't meant to be Merlin and Arthur, no matter how much Merlin secretly, and almost embarrassedly, yearns for it to be like that. Merlin yearns for Arthur in ways he shouldn't, and he would never admit that to anyone, he barely admits it to himself. Merlin sometimes wonder if Arthur thinks about it too, because the glances the Prince sometimes sneaks Merlin are more than just looks, they're something deeper entirely and it makes the whole thing so much harder.
Gwen is perfect for Arthur and she is just what Arthur and Camelot needs. Camelot doesn't need a bumbling idiot for a manservant who must practice his magic in absolute secrecy. And Merlin thinks that Arthur knows this, but it doesn't stop either of them from gazing a little too intensely. It doesn't stop either of them from imagining what it could've been like if they allowed themselves to explore whatever it is between them.
"Guinevere is a good person," Arthur says the night after the jousting tournament. Merlin is tending to a small cut on Arthur's arm. It's quiet, the only light coming from the fireplace. Something has happened between Arthur and Gwen. Merlin can see it in the Prince's eyes, and it makes something inside the sorcerer crack, but he won't show that as he smiles uncertainly.
"She is," Merlin agrees, his voice weaker than it should be.
Arthur catches Merlin's hand in his own as Merlin reaches for some bandages. Arthur's hand is scorching hot and Merlin shivers involuntarily as Arthur's thumb runs circles across Merlin's skin. Arthur's dark eyes are half-lidded as Merlin meets his gaze. Something runs between them, tension crackling in the air and the air suddenly feels too thick as Merlin struggles to draw in oxygen.
"Merlin," Arthur's voice is low and husky and it makes Merlin hot all over. "I'm sorry," the Prince says quietly and Merlin drops his gaze, the moment gone.
Merlin puts the bandage around Arthur's arm, trying to focus on the task, feeling Arthur's gaze on him the entire time. They don't speak for the remainder of the time. When Merlin turns to retire for the night, Arthur grabs Merlin's arm, stopping the sorcerer in his tracks.
"I wish-" Arthur says, his voice vulnerable.
"I know," Merlin cuts him off, voice soft, stopping Arthur from saying something that will haunt them both later on and walks out of the door, leaving the Prince behind.
Merlin thinks he has learned by now who he and Arthur are together, but he will never be able to define it, because even though Arthur's with Gwen and Merlin knows that Arthur loves her, the gazes are still there and the lingering touches are still too long to be comfortable and it will never be enough.