(Hello! Me and my best buddy Lyra came up with this when we were bored...We love all these guys! And don't worry, we would never intentionally harm Tidus, because we love him (yes we do.)...and no, Dagger and Zidane are still together. He's just naturally intrigued by any member of the opposite sex, and Quina does NOT count! And Cloud's not angry, he's just frustrated...he's never had his own club before.
Please don't hate mail us, we had good intentions!)
Why Final Fantasy Doesn't Make Clubs For Their Characters
ACT I
In a small backstage room, there is a door with a sign that says "Blonde hair, Blue eye, Main and Supporting Character Club." And within its walls, lies something so sinister, so vile, so...
Cloud: Tidus, if you whine one more time, I swear...I'm going to knock you upside the head!
...so incredibly mean and entertaining.
Tidus: (sniffles.) All I said was that I was tired...
Zidane: (shrugs.) Well, he is telling the truth Cloud. It is pretty boring in here, and I'm getting kind of tired, too.
Cloud: (glares at Zidane.) So what are you trying to say, Zidane?
Zidane: All I said was that it is boring in here.
Cloud: So, what? You don't think we have any fun in here?
Zidane: YES. That's what I think.
Cid: Ok, then, what could we do to make it better?
Cloud: (interrupting Cid.) Hey, who died and made you leader?
Cid: What, you think you're in charge or something?
Cloud: I'm always in charge.
Seifer: (yelling.) When in the hell did you get an ego!
Cloud: (stands up.) I have every right to have one!
Zell: Oh, I wanna hear this.
Cloud: Shut up, and listen! First, I was in Final Fantasy VII. Then, I was in Kingdom Hearts—
Tidus: Me too!
Cloud: Shut up, Tidus!
Tidus: (whimpers.)
Cloud: I'm going to be in Advent Children, and then their making a new Final Fantasy VII!
Zell and Seifer: (silent.)
Cid: So what? You wouldn't even have shown up in Kingdom Hearts if it weren't for me.
Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?
Cid: I took care of all the gummi ships, meaning Sora would be stuck in Traverse Town...I made the whole thing happen!
Cloud: You lie!
Cid: Never! I'm also in EVERY Final Fantasy ever made!
Cloud: (silent.)
Tidus: (smiles.)
Cloud: So...that doesn't mean anything.
Zell: Looks like you're out of ammo.
Seifer: (pfft.) Loser.
(The door opens, and Rikku enters the room.)
Rikku: Hey guys.
Zidane: (eyes wide) A girl...
Tidus: Hey, Rikku, how you been?
Cloud: Shut up, Tidus. (looks at Rikku.) You can't be in here.
Rikku: (scratches head.) Why not?
Cloud: Because you're a girl.
Rikku: It doesn't say anything like that on the door...
(Room gets quiet.)
Cid: So...in Final Fantasy X, she's my daughter! I vote she can stay! (raises hand)
(Zell and Seifer raise their hands)
Cloud: Why are you two voting?
Zell & Seifer: So we can piss you off.
Zidane: (raises hand, smiling.)
Tidus: (raises hand.)
Rikku: (jumps up and down.) Yay! (plops down in the chair next to Tidus.)
Cloud: (pacing.) Ok, she doesn't even have blue eyes! And she's one of Tidus' friends!
Rikku: Shut up, meanie! (chucks shoe at Cloud.)
Cloud: Oww!
Tidus: (chuckle.)
Rikku: Cunno.
Zidane: (plops down next to Rikku.) So...uh, Rikku. What do you do for fun?
Rikku: (scoots over a little.) Um...where's Gippal? (looking at Tidus.)
Tidus: Who's Gippal?
Zidane: (looking from Tidus to Rikku, and back.) Yeah, who's Gippal?
(knock on the door.)
Cloud: Argh, who is it now?
(enter Gippal)
Gippal: Hey, where's Rikku? (sees Rikku.) Rikku! Come on, let's go. (pointing at the door.)
Cloud: Hey, wait a minute, what's your name? (pointing to Gippal.)
Zell: Oh, wow...
Seifer: One moment, he's an egotist, the next he's a salesman.
Cloud: He fits the job description.
Zell: Really, what's his job? (laughing.)
Cloud: Shut up, jackass.
Gippal: Sorry, man, me and the little lady here are gonna split. (whispers to Rikku.) We got a new debut of a machina that can drill holes, fire rockets, and serves beer!
Rikku: (whispering.) No way!
(they exit, holding hands. The room is silent, with Tidus looking down, and Zidane staring at him,)
Zidane: Tidus...
Tidus: Yeah...
Zidane: How come she talked to you?
Tidus: I'm not with her; she just walked out with Gippal. I love Yuna! (both Lyra and Ghost Faerie throw up. He deserves better!) And besides, you're with Dagger...
Zidane: (silent.) Uh-oh...(hangs head.) I'm in so much trouble...
(Dagger appears behind Zidane's chair, eyes big.)
Dagger: Zidane...how could you? (runs out of the room.)
Zidane: No, Dagger, no. Come back, nothing happened...(yelling becomes softer as he runs out the door.)
Seifer: Hah. I'd never let myself become a slave for a woman.
Cloud: Would you become a slave for a man, then?
Seifer: (BEEP) NO! What the (BEEP) kind of question is that?
Cloud: (smiles, eyes narrowing.) Looks like someone's got a guilty conscience.
Seifer: Just keep running your mouth...
Cloud: Why? You gonna do something?
Seifer: (BEEP) yeah I'm gonna do something...
(Knock at the door.)
Cloud: What is it this time?
(Tubby moogle waddles in.)
Moogle: Kupo! Special Delivery!
(Hands letter to Tidus.)
Moogle: There you go!
(As he starts to leave, Tidus grabs the Moogle's Pom-Pom.)
Moogle: (gets in Tidus's face.) DON'T TOUCH MY POM-POM!
(flies out. Tidus fondles with the letter, and reads it. Tidus bursts into laughter.)
Cloud: Gimmie that, Tidus. You can't handle mail. (reads the letter. And bursts into laughter.) Uh-oh. It looks likes someone is gonna be preoccupied tonight.
(Zidane walks in, and Dagger is behind him. He has a bunch of knots on his head.)
Cloud: (laughs.) Whipped! (silent for a little.) Hey, wait a minute, she can't be in here. Look at her hair, look at her eyes, she needs to go.
Zidane: She looks just like that other chick you talk to. Shut up.
Dagger: And how do you know what she looks like?
Zidane: I played the game...
(Dagger pinches him.)
Zidane: Oww! (Whispering.)
(Grabs glass of water, drinks.)
Cloud: But on to bigger things...(eyes Seifer.)
Seifer: Don't look at me like that, fag.
Cloud: (Announces.) It says, "Can't wait until me you sit under stars, dance night away, and make love next to open fire. XOXO...XXXXXXXFrenchX. Signed, Quina."
(Zidane spits out every bit of the water he drank. Gasps for air.)
Zidane: OH MY GOD! (Dagger pinches him.) Owww!
Seifer: What? Who is it?
Zidane: I don't know if you want to meet IT. (Staring idly at the floor.)
Seifer: Is she hot?
(Room goes silent.)
Cid, Cloud, Zell, and Tidus: (stare over Seifer's shoulder, and begin making faces.) Oh...
Seifer: What...what the hell are you guys staring at?
(Two big, ENORMOUS, white hands cover Seifer's eyes. A big tongue droops over his shoulder.)
UNKNOWN VOICE: (husky, stupid voice.) Guess who?
Seifer: (getting irritated.) Who the (BEEP) is this?
UNKNOWN VOICE: You know who, HOTSTUFF.
(Seifer pulls hands off and finds Quina in a bikini behind him.)
Quina: (winks and blows a kiss.)
Seifer: (full of fear.) What the (BEEP)...
Quina: Give to me BABY! (lunges forward, yanking on Seifer's pants.)
Seifer: Get the (BEEP) away from me, you shim!
Quina: (throws tongue forward and licks Seifer's cheek.) You deny me, make me mad! HOT CRAZY! (hops over chair.)
Seifer: AHH! (runs out of room. Quina chases after him.)
(Room is silent.)
Cid: I have officially seen too much.
(Room looks at Tidus, who has a camera in his hand.)
Cloud: Good boy, Tidus. (tosses Twinkie.)