Attention, Ivorypanther proudly presents…

A STORY THAT IS TOTALLY IGNORANT OF THE WHOLE UNBELIEVEBLY SAD PLOT THAT J.K. ROWLING COOKED UP IN HER MEANIE TWISTED MIND THAT INVOLVES PIXIE STICKS, BUNNIES, ICE CREAM, AND HAGRID ON A THIRTY DAY DIET WHICH I THOUGH UP BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GET ON THE INTERNET WHICH REALLY SUCKS.

One day Hagrid was bored, days like that seemed like a common recurrence since Dumbledore had been killed Hagrid suddenly came up with a bloody brilliant idea. HEEEYYYY! (Hagrid thinks a minute about killing people with his pretty pink umbrella.) Why don't I hire somebody to kill whats his name, that greasy guy with the cool hair that said, "I am Snape the potions master." Constantly in the potter puppet pals! (That never gets old.)

He thought about bunnies eating pixie sticks for several minutes for no apparent reason before remembering that his name was Snape. So, Hagrid looked up the word assassin in the dictionary to make sure his spelling was correct, then looked up assassin in the wizarding community telephone book and called the number. Ring ring ring ring ring ring. It continued to do this for several hours. Suddenly the phone picked up and a snakelike voice answered on the other end.

"YEEESSS this is Voldemort." Hagrid frowned; did he have the wrong number? "If you're wondering why this is Voldemort, our federal funding from the ministry of magic got pulled because the death eaters refused to endorse the show about the little ponies. I don't know why not either… the ponies looked so cute, and fluffy, and they had pretty pink rainbows over their sweet little happy eyes, (rambles on for several days about ponies.) anyways, this is Voldemort's pony-I-mean-assassin company, how can I help you? "Uh, sorry wrong number."

Crud, I always get all the weirdoes… I guess I'll just have to kill him myself. Hagrid picked up his umbrella and walked out the door to his hut; suddenly the centaurs burst out of the woods and started throwing lit torches at his hut. Hagrid turned around and watched them for a minute. Wow, pretty fire…then he signaled the knight bus and made his way to Diagon alley. (Don't ask me how the crap he signaled it.)

When Hagrid got there, the streets were as deserted as when Harry had been there, but there was still that scary old guy selling amulets. "Hello sir, do you want an amulet?" Hagrid screamed for several minutes while saying,

"AHHH GET AWAY FROM ME SCARY PERSON!" Hagrid ran until he saw the minister of magic, Mr. Whoreallygivesacrapaboutwhatmynameis and Snape, the potions master. Hagrid was mad so he conveniently thought about the glad trash bags commercial to make him feel psychotic again. He pulled out his umbrella and fired a killing curse at Snape.

Unfortunately, Hagrid accidentally hit Mr. Whoreallygivesacrapaboutwhatmynameis, and killed him instead of killing Snape, and the only damage he did to Snape was ruining his cool looking hair. Suddenly, a truck of armed yard gnomes grabbed Hagrid and pulled him off to a dungeon in Canada. Once in Canada, the new minister, Arnold Schwartzenator came into his cell to discuss his current situation. "Hey! I thought you were the governor of California!"

Arnold then turned his head regally in the really screwed way that he usually does and said "I'm ARNOLD SCHWARTZENATOR (trumpet music comes on for several seconds) and I can do anything I like! By the way, GET A MASTER CARD!" "What the heck does THAT have to do anything?" Arnold responded to Hagrid's mildly witty reply, "BECAUSE THIS FAN-FIC IS ONE HUGE BLARING COMMERCIAL! The trumpet music sounded again.

"Anyways, you're going to stand trial next week for..." Hagrid responded, "killing the minister of magic?" "No, nobody ever really gave a crap about him; you're going on trial for ruining Snape's hair because we all thought it looked awesome! Good day!" Arnold then skipped off eating a jumbo pixie stick, leaving Hagrid in his cell.

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So… is it good? I've had a lot of fun with this story REVIEW IT PLEASE