Highway Don't Care

by 123me

"The highway don't care if you're coming home, But I do, I do." ONESHOT

Bet your window's rolled down and your hair's pulled back
And I bet you got no idea you're going way too fast
You're trying not to think about what went wrong
Trying not to stop 'til you get where you goin'
You're trying to stay awake so I bet you turn on the radio
And the song goes

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby
I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby, baby

The highway won't hold you tonight
The highway don't know you're alive
The highway don't care if you're all alone
But I do, I do.
The highway won't dry your tears
The highway don't need you here
The highway don't care if you're coming home
But I do, I do.

The first hour had been the easiest. When the anger had still been fresh in her mind. When her rage had been blinding her to the fact that she didn't even know if he had actually done anything wrong. It was the following hours that were difficult, when the fury she was clinging onto had begun to dissipate and she began to realise the reality of what had happened. Despite all the yelling she had done, the hurtful words she had spoken, Jesse had tried only to calm her. She'd been too stubborn to consider listening. Running had seemed like the logical option at the time. It was what she did. When things got tough, she bailed.

He'd been standing in the doorway of their apartment building as she tore out of the parking lot, a look of resignation gracing his features. If she hadn't been so angry, it may have been enough to make her stop, but in the heat of the moment she'd ignored it. She'd sped away so fast that she barely even noticed the other buildings that lined the street, and before she knew it, she'd put a hundred miles between them. She didn't know what was going on, but she did know he was lying to her, that he'd been keeping things from her, and as the ring on her finger ruled out that as the reason for his secrecy, she had reasoned to herself that she had come to the only logical conclusion – he had someone else.

The radio hadn't distracted her in the way she had hoped it would. Beca had believed that immersing herself in music would enable her to forget the problems in her personal life that had led her to flee, but it was almost as if the whole world was against her when all she could hear on every station was a love song. The music was almost taunting her with happiness, as if it knew that she couldn't turn it off because it was the only thing keeping her awake.

She missed him. It had barely been a day and she already missed him. She blamed herself for letting herself fall for him, for letting him convince her that love was worth fighting for. She'd always figured that she would be the one to mess them up, not him. He'd always been so dependable. She couldn't help but wonder whether his usual trustworthiness made it hurt more. She'd never felt anything like this before, and it wasn't as if she was new to being let down.

She didn't know where she was going. She'd just decided that she needed to get as far away from him as she could, and that she needed to do it as fast as she could. She'd avoided checking her phone for the first hours after she had left, not wanting to risk seeing anything that may make her turn around. Her battery had died by the time she decided to check it, and without any way to charge it she felt more isolated than ever.

-HDC-

The first hour had been the easiest. When he'd believed she'd eventually calm down and return home. When he had still believed that she had just gone to one of their friends to cool down. When he had been telling himself that she'd come home and they'd talk, and everything would be fine. It was the following hours that were difficult, when he realised that none of their friends had seen her, and he began to doubt that she was going to come back. He knew that if he couldn't calm her in the moment, she usually just needed to take a step back and calm down herself. He'd known this would happen when she refused to listen to him, but he hadn't expected her to be gone this long. Sure, she ran away when things got tough, but she always came back.

She'd been so angry when she left, and anger made her irrational. Seeing her drive away at the speed she had chosen had terrified him, and he had spent most of the time since she had left waiting by the phone, hoping that she would contact him, just to let him know she was okay, but dreading that the call wouldn't come from her, but from someone else, because she wasn't okay. No call had come, and she hadn't responded to any of his messages. He hadn't even done anything wrong. All he'd wanted to do was surprise her. He knew it was the secrecy that had led to the state she had been in when she'd left, he just wished she had been willing to listen – he'd only wanted to buy a house.

He missed her, but he'd come to expect that at this point. He missed her when they were in separate rooms, he missed her when they were both at work, he just missed her. Whenever she wasn't right there next to him, he felt as though he was lost, and a dull ache would spread across his body. When she was back with him the ache disappeared, and he found himself again. She was his world, and he couldn't understand why she couldn't see that.

He didn't know where she was, and it was that that amplified the ache he felt, that really brought on the feeling of helplessness. What if she needed him? He hated knowing she was hurting and not being able to do anything about it. He hated not being there to support her like he usually was. The idea that she was out there somewhere, alone and upset, made him desperate to go out there himself and find her, but he knew there was no good in that, even if he did manage to find her, he couldn't predict how she would take him showing up.

At one point he'd turned the radio on, hoping the music would settle him just a little. It always helped him feel more connected to her during her absences, and as he'd listened to the songs being played across every station, he couldn't help but wonder whether or not she was listening to those same songs.

-HDC-

By hour twenty nine she was bitterly ranting aloud, despite there being no one but herself around to hear her. She wasn't even sure who she was even angry with at this point, and the fatigue, paired with the uncharacteristic longing she felt (damn him) didn't ease her confusion. She had considered sleeping some hours before, but as soon as she had pulled over she knew that sleep wouldn't come easily. She always slept better when he was there, but even if that hadn't been the case, without having driving to focus on, she'd almost immediately been confronted by her emotions, and the tears had begun to escape.

She'd continued to drive, not really knowing where she was heading, but knowing that she wouldn't stop until she got there, and hoping that it would be a while before her exhaustion really got the better of her. She'd be fine, she had decided, if she could just drive and leave all thought behind. If she let herself think, she'd end up thinking about going back, and that was an unnecessary pain as long as it was still possible to avoid it. She planned on avoiding it for as long as possible. It had taken her so long to let Jesse in that she wasn't ready to confront the end of their six year relationship.

She'd felt a tightness in her chest for some hours now, the uncertainty as to how her life would go from here making her anxious. Jesse had always made that feeling go away, he'd always made her feel safe, and it made her want to hate him all the more for making her feel the loss of that safety. For letting her get attached. Hating him was a difficult task, though, no matter how hard she was trying. He'd given her years of security, he'd saved her from herself when she hadn't even realised the damage she was doing. He'd loved her, and taught her to love in return.

She had turned the radio up just a little more every time she felt she was beginning to let herself think. Beginning to wonder whether he had tried contacting her. Whether or not he even cared what had happened to her. If he had told their friends she had taken off. If their friends had sided with him. Being able to check her messages, as much as she didn't want to, was one of the things she wanted more than anything.

It wasn't until she reached familiar surroundings some hours later that she realised where she had been driving all of this time, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. For a brief moment she considered turning around and running again. She had been on the road for almost a day and a half, a little longer couldn't do any harm. That wasn't the answer though, and she knew she couldn't run forever. She had to face the facts. Her instincts had brought her here for a reason.

She was home.

-HDC-

By hour twenty nine he was looking over pictures of her, his state of panic leaving him almost at the point of filing a missing person's report. Was she even missing? He had seen her leave. She had left of her own free will. He knew she was mad at him for reasons he could have explained had she let him. She was an adult, she was within her rights to leave whenever she wanted, and he'd never deprive her of that right. She'd be mortified if he did proceed, but her lack of communication with anyone had led to his being pressured by her friends. He hadn't slept. He was afraid that if he did, he'd miss her call, or she'd come home and mistakenly believe that he hadn't cared. He didn't want to go to bed while they were arguing, even if she wasn't there. He hated going to sleep without telling her he loved her. He didn't believe in going to bed on an argument, even if it did mean staying up and fighting until she did calm down.

He didn't know which part was hardest. Missing her even more than he usually did whenever she wasn't with him, or not knowing where she was, or even if she was okay. He'd be okay, he decided, when he at least knew that she was fine, even if she didn't want him to know where she was, but he had no way of knowing how she was. No one had been able to contact her. Her lack of contact wasn't something that would usually concern him so much. He had come to expect it when she had got carried away at work or was too engrossed in a new mix to check her phone, but it had never been this long before, and never when she was in the kind of mood she had left in.

He'd expected to receive a call from Amy hours after she had left. Through the years he had come to expect her going to see her closest friend in order to vent after their fights, and the spirited woman would always call him just to let him know that Beca was okay. When her call had not come this time, he had called her himself, expecting to hear that Beca had asked her friend not to let him know so soon. Amy's inability to tell him what he needed to hear had worried him, despite Amy promising to call her and check in, and when she had got back to him minutes later to let him know that her calls were going straight to voicemail too, he panicked. Beca needed a support system. As much as she liked to believe she didn't. She did.

The idea of her being alone tortured him. He knew her, in some ways better than she knew herself, and he knew what isolation did to her. He was terrified that if it took them too long to track her down, she'd be emotionally unreachable like she had been all those years ago when they had first met. She didn't know it, but it wasn't just a matter of him finding a way to open her up to love, she had taught him what love is. He hadn't realised that he didn't have a clue until he met her. Hadn't realised just how overwhelming and intoxicating it could be. Hadn't known what it felt like to feel an unwavering need to prioritise one person over anything else. He'd never told her. He'd figured it would embarrass her and she'd accuse him of being cheesy. She really didn't realise how remarkable she was.

He had been turning the radio on and off. His mind continually changing as to what he needed to be listening to – the music that connected them, or the cars passing below, listening for any one of them to turn into the parking lot of their building. He wanted to do both, but when the music was on he found himself being drawn into the melody, imagining everything that Beca could do with it, and all thoughts of the outside world slowly faded, until it was solely the music, and her.

Some seventeen songs had passed by the time his focus suddenly shifted, and he turned off the radio to listen for the familiar sound. He couldn't make sense of much from where he was sitting, but he didn't really have the energy to move to look out the window, especially if all that would be waiting on the other side of the glass was disappointment. It wasn't until he heard the familiar slam of a car door that he knew, and for once he was grateful that she had never once listened to him about altering that habit.

She was home.

-HDC-

Neither were sure what to say when they came face to face. She stood awkwardly in the doorway, silently watching as he surveyed her, both of them almost too anxious to speak. He stood across from her, having moved into the position when he had been sure she had returned. He wanted to hold her, but she looked so small, so vulnerable, so skittish standing by that door that he was worried that any sudden movement would send her straight back out of it.

She was watching him nervously, and he wished he could figure out what was going on in her mind. She seemed so unsure of herself, so unlike the Beca he was used to, the Beca that always told him what she thought, always told him the truth, even if it would hurt him. He knew he should be mad at her, he'd never been so worried in his life, and it wasn't a feeling he was in a rush to experience again, but he wanted nothing more than to make her fears and doubts disappear, to give her the confidence boost she seemed to be in need of.

"Can we fight about this tomorrow?" She was the first to speak, her tone giving away her nerves. "I'm really tired."

He gave a small nod, watching her closely. She looked as exhausted as he assumed he did, and her eyes were giving away the pain and confusion she was still feeling. As much as he wanted to talk about what had happened, and as necessary as he knew it was, he'd never be able to watch her cling on to consciousness, even if she had wanted to get the conversation over with. She needed to sleep. They both did.

He took a step towards her before halting to take in her reaction. When she didn't show any sign of freaking out as a response to his approach, he took another step, slowly making his way towards her until he could reach for her. By the time she was in his arms there were tears in his eyes, the stress and the worry of the past hours getting to him, and he couldn't help but pay extra attention to just how perfectly she fit in his arms, as if she belonged there.

"Promise me." He murmured against her hair, taking in her scent. "That you will never do that again."

She mumbled something into his chest, but he couldn't quite make out what she was saying, her quiet voice muffled by the fabric, but he was hopeful that her not pushing him away was a good sign. She definitely seemed calmer than she had been when she'd walked out over a day ago, and from experience he knew that that made her more rational, more likely to listen. He just had to believe that she'd still be willing to listen after getting some sleep.

She took a step back, letting out a yawn as she looked up at him. "I really don't think it matters any more that it'd be sleeping while we're still fighting."

"Of course it matters." He smiled softly. "But I think we're both too tired to have any conversation right now. Did you not sleep at all?"

She shook her head. "Didn't need to."

"Bec." He sighed. "You were driving. You could have got seriously hurt."

She sighed, stepping around him and moving towards their bedroom without responding, walking away just as she always did when she knew she was in the wrong, that he had good reason to be concerned. She didn't like to admit she was wrong, although she had realised that it was far easier to admit it to him than to anyone else. He had always been the kind of guy that never judged her. She never had to hear 'I told you so', never had to apologise to him (and only had on rare occasions), even when she knew she really should. Nothing ever needed saying between the two of them. They just knew.

He wasn't far behind her, but by the time Jesse made his way into the room, she was already half asleep, having underestimated just how tired she was. He watched her for a brief moment, taking in each steady breath, before moving onto the bed beside her, pulling her into his arms before allowing himself to drift off into a much needed sleep.

-HDC-

She hadn't been looking for anything when she came across the brochure in front of her, but she hadn't been able to stop herself from flipping through it, taking in the information on the many different sheets of paper that were marking pages inside it. When she understood just what it was she was looking at, she had sighed, both with relief and disappointment in herself. Of course. This was more like Jesse.

She'd been surprised to wake to the warmth and safety of his arms wrapped securely around her, and if she hadn't been completely sure he was asleep she wouldn't have allowed herself to fall into the comfort of the routine for even the brief moment that she had, not wanting him to assume things were okay between them with everything that had still been going on. Now that she knew, she wished she had stayed a little longer, cuddled closer into him while he had no way of knowing she was being soft. Made the most of her opportunity to listen to the heartbeat she had become so accustomed to over the years. She wasn't sure whether or not she'd have the opportunity again. She knew that one of these days he would grow tired of her outbursts, the fiery temper that he had always insisted he loved about her. When that day came, she'd be alone again, her inability to see through her fear just long enough to let him explain would drive him away. One day, he would no longer be able to see the best in her, she was sure of it, and she wasn't sure how badly she would have to screw up for that eventuality to come about. If this wasn't enough, what would be?

"Have you eaten?"

She was startled by his voice, having not heard him approaching. "I...um, I..."

His eyes widened in concern as she looked up, and he moved towards her far more quickly than he had the previous night, sitting within inches of her. "Bec, have you been crying?"

She hadn't noticed, but now that he mentioned it, she realised she had been, and she knew why he had reacted so rapidly. She rarely ever let herself cry, and when she did, she never let anyone see her. Not anyone that wasn't him.

"I just..." She hesitated. "I am the worst... I..."

"No you're not." He interrupted. "You're the best. The best part of my life, that continues to give me the best days of my life." He smirked, playfully nudging her. "Even when you're scary and loud."

She let out a laugh. "I just... I didn't know what was going on so..."

"You freaked out." He smiled softly. "I did consider that possibility, you know. I just decided it was worth the risk. I know how much you hate house hunting and I wanted to surprise you by, well, checking out the market myself to save you having to go view all of the dumps."

"You went to all of these places?" She queried. "Every single one of them? Just to rule out the dumps?" He nodded. "And I was a complete bitch..."

"It's fine." He insisted. "It's okay to freak out sometimes. It's okay to not want to talk. You wouldn't be you if you were always willing to talk about everything, and if you weren't you, then how could I be me?"

"God, I suck." She groaned. "Everything you do is for me, and I know that but I still thought the worst. I'm broken, Jesse, I'm broken."

"You're not broken."

"How can you say that?" She sighed. "I got the wrong idea, wouldn't let you talk and took off for two days."

"A day and a half."

"That's not much better."

"But it is better." He countered, the grin on his face forcing her into a smile. "The only thing I cared about while you were gone was when you'd come home. And you did. No one made you do that, that's what you need to focus on." They stayed silent for a brief moment, taking each other in before he picked up the conversation. "So, did you see anything you like while you were out here blowing my big surprise?"

"You're a dork." She let out a laugh, "And I love you, so, so much."