1 year ago…

"Okay what's wrong?" Amelia asked me.

"Nothing. Everything's completely fine." I assured her.

"No you're not fine. At first I didn't know if I was imagining it or not, but you are definitely feeling depressed today. I keep seeing you frowning at the date and glancing around like you feel lost and out of place." She said.

"I don't feel lost and out of place. I guess I'm just not in a good mood today, why don't I just go walk it off?" I suggested. I didn't give her time to respond. I stood up from the couch we were sitting on, grabbing my jacket, slipped on my boots and headed out.

The problem was that today was Dean's birthday. That was a problem because Dean wasn't here and I was. I didn't even know where my older brother had disappeared too, and I didn't even look. That fact nagged on in my head every day, I hated not looking.

But I couldn't look. Dean wasn't in hell, I was sure of that, he didn't deserve hell. He could be in Heaven in which case I shouldn't do anything. He would be happy up there and finally at peace, I couldn't just take him away from that, that's if I could even find a way to do that. Dean could be somewhere else too, just missing somewhere. If I looked for him though, did anything to try and bring him back, I wouldn't ever quit. I would forever be desperately searching for my brother, going deeper in a downward spiral each day.

If Dean was going to return, he would return, but it wouldn't be by anything I could do. I didn't want to feel like there was no hope and happiness in the world every morning when I woke up. I couldn't go so deep in a downward spiral I wished that I would just be dead. It hurt like hell to even acknowledge my brother's memory, to know that he wasn't here with me now. I had run when Dean disappeared. I couldn't face it; I tried so hard to avoid the painful thought of him being gone and of me being on my own.

I wasn't alone anymore, I had Amelia. But somewhere inside me I knew I was just living in a dream world. The two of us loved each other because we both lost someone. I did genuinely love and care for Amelia, but she could never be Dean. Dean had practically raised me; he had been my brother and my very best friend. He could never be replaced.

I couldn't stop thinking about him today. I couldn't stop imagining the two of us celebrating his birthday over a beer and a movie in a crap motel room. That image was better than any dream world with a pretty girl.

I looked up at the sky. "Wherever you are; happy birthday Dean. I miss you."

At that moment I almost broke down, but I collected myself before I could. My eyes had gotten misty though and I think I may have let one tear fall. I took a deep breath and headed back to Amelia.

Now

It was perfect timing for once. Usually on our birthdays we were in the middle of a case and we couldn't exchange more than cheap presents and a "happy birthday". Today, we weren't caught up in a case.

I had left the room before Dean woke up. I went to get us some lunch because my older brother was sleeping right through eleven onto twelve. When I returned Dean was dressed and had his eyes locked on the laptop's screen.

"Sam I think I found us a case. It's-" He told me.

"Great." I interrupted. "We can check that out tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" He repeated.

"Yeah, today we're taking a break." I said. "Happy birthday Dean."

He seemed generally surprised. It was easy to see that he totally forgot that today was his birthday. I let it slide since we had a lot on our minds lately. I pulled something out of the bag I got on my other stop.

"I remembered the pie." I mentioned, showing it to him.

Dean grinned, closed the computer and pushed it away. "Well I know the first thing I want to do for my birthday."

He took the pie from my hand and within a minute was greedily eating it. I could tell by his expression that he was deeply enjoying it.

We didn't do overly much on Dean's birthday. We watched whatever sports were planning on TV and a couple random movies which were pretty bad. We were having a good time though and were genuinely enjoying each other's company. After leaving Amelia I felt a bit of guilt, but I knew that if I had left Dean guilt would have completely overwhelmed me constantly. I was getting over Amelia, one big reason for that being Dean and I were starting to be brothers again. We had so many issues when Dean had arrived back from Purgatory, which made me long for a conflict-free zone with Amelia. Now though, we were getting some fun in along with saving lives.

At the end of the day Dean drove the Impala, his favourite classic rock sounds blaring. He sang along with them badly and loudly. Dean nodded for me to join in at one point and I ended up singing too.

After about fifteen minutes of driving we arrived at the middle of nowhere. Dean droved the Impala onto the grass and stopped the car. We got out, sat on the car's hood and drank beers while watching the stars. It was completely calm and peaceful here, which was different than the environment I'd been in lately. It was very nice sitting here with Dean for a while, but then…

"So, where's my present?" Dean asked, looking over at me.

"Um, I didn't get you one." I answered after a moment.

"You make us take a day off hunting for my birthday but didn't get me a birthday present?" He questioned.

"Okay you know what, I won't complain about your blaring rock music anymore and I'll always make sure to remember the pie." I decided.
"That's not a present." Dean pointed out.

I sighed. "I'll make sure to get you something tomorrow."

"You better." He said. He paused before adding, "Bitch."
"Jerk." I countered.

We hadn't said the lines in a really long time. I thought we had completely grown away from them, but I wasn't going to complain.

"Now about that present, it better be something I'll actually like." Dean said.

I rolled my eyes at how my older brother could be so annoying.

I missed you Dean.