Chapter One

Sometimes life was shit, Gill mused. In fact, she would probably go so far as to say that it was mainly shit but interspersed with moments of great joy. She would have thought that she was used to it by now, especially after everything that she had seen and done in her job. She had delivered bad news to very good people on countless occasions and although she was usually saddened by the circumstances, she managed to deal with it professionally and maintain her composure for the sake of the loved ones left behind. The trouble was that when it came to her personal life she was strong on the outside but shattered into a million pieces on the inside. Just like when everything had come to a head with Dave and his numerous affairs. In spite of the turmoil she felt inside, she had dug deep and developed additional strength for Sammy and appearances sake. This was going to be another such occasion where she was going to have to battle on through, no matter how awful she really felt.

Gill had left work early to get the prognosis with her. No one yet knew and she had several people to tell as soon as she was able to. Of course she couldn't have left it to her, she was in enough of a fragile state as it was, but it wasn't going to be easy and worse when it was someone you loved so very dearly. Gill had come back to an empty house and she had been grateful for it for a while. It had given her time to absorb the news herself before the unenviable task of breaking it gradually to those who needed to know. She took advantage of being early for once and had decided to make a proper dinner so that they could sit at the table together. It was something that happened rarely because of the nature of her job.

Gill stood at the hob stirring something in a couple of large pans when she heard the sound of a key in the door. Her heart plummeted to her stomach and her body thrummed with nervous energy in anticipation of the discussion to come.

"Hiya love, I'm home!" Of course Julie would have parked next to her car on the driveway, so she knew that she was already there. Gill was relieved that it was Julie who had arrived home first, for an awful moment she had thought that Sammy might have beaten her to it. At least this way round she felt that she would have some back up when she told him and that she had some support for herself. Gill couldn't bring herself to call out and greet her, she didn't think she could find the strength in her voice and so allowed Julie to find her in the kitchen herself. "Mmm, that smells wonderful!" Julie let her nose guide her and she eventually ended up in the kitchen after she had hung up her jacket and put her bag down in the living room.

Julie took one look at Gill and her demeanour and instantly knew that there was something wrong. She hadn't spent at least a decade hopelessly in love with the younger woman without learning a thing or two about her body language. She suddenly remembered where Gill had been going that afternoon, not that she had forgotten, not really. She was usually so busy and focused on what she herself was doing at work that there was never any time to think about what was going on in life away from it. Of course she had discussed it with Gill numerous times before the day itself and earlier that morning before they had both left the house.

"Oh Gill!" She exclaimed and opened her arms out to her. Gill looked straight at Julie, shook her head and fell into a sobbing heap in her arms. It wasn't how she had wanted to deal with it but her emotions hit her all at once and she was knocked sideways in grief and shock. Thank goodness Julie was there to deal with her undignified outburst instead of her breaking down in the office full of her subordinates. Or more importantly in front of Sammy who would need her to be strong and stoic and completely there to support him. Julie worked hard to keep her own tears from escaping. It was fairly obvious that it was bad news, however bad it was she didn't need to know at this point, the only thing that was important was the fact that Gill was clearly upset, devastated by the looks of things. Gill just let herself cry and gave in to whatever had come over her. Deep down she knew that she was in shock more than anything else, the news was too fresh for the grief to have sunk in properly yet. Julie was strong and tall and comforting. She held Gill upright with her love, patience and understanding. Julie wouldn't let her slip under, they would get through this together because that's what they had always done, even before they had finally confessed the depth of their feelings and begun to explore a more romantic relationship with each other.

Gill felt a stab of guilt as she snuggled into Julie's embrace. They hadn't been together all that long, only a few months, although they had seemingly settled into their new relationship quickly and easily. Poor Julie didn't need to be dealing with this extra complication in their lives, especially as it should have been a time when they were free to just enjoy the novelty of being together.

"Sorry…" Gill mumbled into Julie's chest as she began to apologise automatically. She wasn't entirely sure exactly what she was apologising for, the outburst or the fact that their lives were about to get very tough indeed.

"Hey now, none of that. We've already spoken about this." Julie pulled back ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of Gill's face. She gently cupped her chin and stroked her thumb across her damp cheek in a gesture of comfort. "Come on, let's sit down for a bit and you can tell me exactly what we're dealing with." It was such a small thing and a tiny word but the mere utterance of 'we' instantly calmed Gill somewhat. It had all been very well preparing for the worst but when it came down to it she hadn't been quite so sure. Not that she had thought Julie would let her down in any way, just that the reality was sometimes more difficult whatever promises they had made to each other beforehand. Gill left the comfort of their embrace and switched off the hob before joining Julie at the dining room table.

"It's worse than they thought, it's a very aggressive cancer. Invariably if she hadn't have left it as late as she did to go and see her GP in the first place than perhaps she might have had a chance. Although, the specialist said that her lifestyle hadn't helped matters, chain smoking since her teens and well into her sixties…"

"Gill…" Julie interrupted her as she went off on a wittering tangent. It was one of the funny quirks that Julie loved about Gill. At work they were instinctive, probing tangents that would eventually lead to a string of clues or scenarios they could piece together in context of the crime they were investigating. At home Gill tended to ramble endlessly and often forgot the point of that particular train of thought. She only did it when she was emotional or stalling for time. Julie knew that it was both this time around.

"Three months Jules, if that. Three months. She'll never have another Christmas. I won't ever celebrate another birthday with the woman who gave birth to me." Gill covered her face with her hands as though she could shut out the world from witnessing her distress. "How am I going to tell Sammy? He's going to be devastated." Julie pulled her into her embrace once again and held her as she sobbed.

"Okay love, we'll get through this. I promise you, we'll all get through this together." Gill looked up at her lover with watery eyes. "Oh love!" Julie couldn't help but exclaim and her heart ached even more for the younger woman. She wiped away some of the tears from Gill's cheeks and took a deep, calming breath. "Okay, so here's what we'll do. We'll sit Sammy down and tell him together, tonight when he gets in from the academy?" Julie asked Gill as though it were a question but she knew that she really just needed her to take charge for the time being. Gill nodded her assent anyway and it gave Julie the encouragement she needed to continue. "Right, after that, as long as your mum is up to it, we'll have our Christmas early, and then your birthday and anything else we can think of while she can still enjoy it. At least then we know that we've made the most of whatever time there is left and your mum has some lovely memories to take with her." Julie took one look at Gill's face and then realised what a mad, crazy idea it was. Really, what was she thinking? Gill needed time and understanding not to get involved in something that was going to inevitably lead to lots of work for them both. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. It's a stupid idea, don't listen to me, I don't know what I'm talking about." Julie suddenly doubted her ability to help her girlfriend though this awful, awful time and mentally kicked herself for her insensitivity. Gill smiled at the older woman and slowly the smile got wider and brighter.

"I think it's a fabulous idea! Mum would love it, it would give us something to focus on and Sammy would get something out of it too. Oh Julie, whatever would I do without you?"