"Riddle Me This"
Time: Before the scene in the trailer with Young Eraqus and Young Xehanort.
My name is Eraqus. I'm training to be a Keyblade Master.
Since talking about myself might make you think I'm artificial, I will let those around me do the honors. Since the best way to look at yourself is not a mirror, but to see how others see you.
...Yeah, my Master told me that. I don't really get it. Sometimes I don't get what my Master's trying to say. I tell him this, and then he calls me a dumbass. "Dumbass" is his second favorite word, preceding "help" and after "Kingdom Hearts."
Xehanort tells me that I always walk the path of the straight and narrow, even if it should lead me into a rock. Master Karsten just calls me a dumbass. He likes that word a little...too much, if you ask me.
Otherwise, Master Karsten is a wonderful teacher. Even if he keeps Xehanort and me cloistered.
Let me explain. Master Karsten is a bit old fashioned. He's the Successor, which means he's the guardian of the sacred grounds we're living on. He's in charge of the other Master in residence here. Her name is Lorraine. Lorraine is training two apprentices: Undine and Yumei, who are totally smoking hot. Both of them. Master Lorraine herself isn't bad looking.
So the guys and girls train separately is what I'm getting at. Master Karsten says the last thing Xehanort and I need is distractions. "Too much ha ha, pretty soon boo hoo" is another one of his rules, one he imparted to us right after giving us "the talk."
Confused? I totally was the first time I heard that. Apparently, 'ha ha' means sex. Which is lots of fun. And 'boo hoo' means sadness. So apparently too much sex-slash-fun leads to sadness.
But how can I get too much sex? How is that not a good thing? And how can I be having too much sex if I haven't gotten any yet?
I think it's a bit overboard. But a Keyblade apprentice can't exactly question their Master. Even if some of the Master's rules are utterly and profoundly stupid.
And Xehanort and I haven't gotten the necessary evidence to prove it yet, but there is something between Master Karsten and Master Lorraine. The way they look at each other. How their voices lift an octave when they're around each other. They could practically have little cartoon hearts in the air.
The real fly in my ointment is Master Karsten's daily riddle. After breakfast, he gives Xehanort and me a riddle. We have until dinner to solve it. We can help each other out and discuss it as much as we want.
We have never gotten a single one right.
As for why he gives us these riddles, he says that being a Keyblade Master is more than playing Command Board and training the body. It's exercising the mind.
Riddle #1
Master Karsten laid down a piece of paper. He took out a paintbrush, dipped it in some black paint, and painted a black arc. "Here is your riddle. Is this image of a rainbow?"
During the day, Xehanort asked me if I had come up with an answer.
"Not really," I said. "How can it be a rainbow if it is all black?"
"It is," Xehanort suggested. "Because black is the absorption of all colors. It consumes all other colors, much like..." He furrowed his brow. "Something just popped spontaneously in my head."
"What?" I asked. "An epiphany?"
"That darkness consumes all. All things begin in darkness, and so end. But I don't remember ever hearing that."
"That's a stupid epiphany," I said. "Darkness bad, light good. And your answer is stupid. Master will call you a dumbass, then laugh at you."
"Oh, yeah? Then what's your answer?"
"I...don't have one yet."
"Who's the dumbass, then?"
"Well, the first one to call someone else a dumbass is the dumbass, so you are."
"Master would smack you for talking back if you said that to him."
"But he's not here, Xehanort. So suck it."
Hours later, I gave Master Karsten my answer: "It's a rainbow, because the colors are there. It's just that they lack light! Light is made up of colors."
Master Karsten stared blankly at me. "Xehanort?"
"Black is the absorption of all colors," Xehanort replied. "Ergo, I say it is a rainbow."
Master Karsten roared with laughter. "Dumbasses! It isn't a rainbow. It's just one color. Monochrome."
"Like black and white?" I asked.
"Monochrome is one color," Xehanort corrected.
Master Karsten shook his head. "It was a simple answer. A rainbow is a spectrum of light that appears across the sky. It can't be one color. Better luck tomorrow."
"Um, Master?" I asked. "What was the lesson here?"
"That sometimes the simple answer is the best one," Master Karsten answered. "You see, a Keyblade Master has to see more than the average person. But sometimes you have to see what's right in front of you."
Riddle #3
Master Karsten handed us each a sheet of paper with the riddle. "This one's rather long, so I wrote it down."
Master Karsten's handwriting was immaculate. It looked...typed. Not in a normal font, mind you. One of those fancy ones that come with the word processing program, but you never actually use.
It stated the following:
There is a temple to three gods. The God of Truth, the God of Diplomacy, and the God of Falsehood. They inhabit three idols within the temple, side by side. Supplicants are free to come and ask questions. However, the idols are identical and without labels. It is hard to tell who is answering the question, which is important. Because the God of Truth always tells the truth, the God of Falsehood always lies, and the God of Diplomacy can either lie or tell the truth. Some enterprising priests have made a little side business 'interpreting' the Gods for a nominal fee.
One day, a man decided to finally discern the truth. So he approached the three idols. And he asked the left one: "Who is sitting next to you?"
"The God of Truth," said the god.
The man said to the middle idol, "Who are you?"
"The God of Diplomacy," said the god.
The man asked the last idol, "Who is next to you?"
"The God of Falsehood," said the final god.
The man then opened up a new 'interpretation' service and ran the priests out of business. He made a ton of munny due to his uncannily accurate predictions. Knowing this, and the god's answers to his questions, in what order were the gods?
Xehanort and I scratched our heads for five minutes, then gave up. Night fell:
"All right. I will explain this to you slowly," Master Karsten said. "The man asked the middle god, 'Who are You?' The answer was 'God of Diplomacy.' That means he can't be the God of Truth, since that would be a lie. And the God of Truth cannot lie. So he is either the God of Falsehood or the God of Diplomacy. However, he can't be the God of Diplomacy because neither of the side gods said 'Diplomacy.' They'd both be lying, and the God of Truth cannot lie. Therefore, the God of Falsehood is in the middle. The God of Truth identifies him correctly, and so is on the right. The God of Diplomacy lied."
"I just know there's a moral here that you're trying to tell us," Xehanort said. "So what was it?"
"That there is no avoiding first principles." Master Karsten sank into his seat.
Riddle #5
Archibald got caught in the rain. He didn't have an umbrella or anything to put over his head. His clothes were soaked through, but not a single hair on his head got wet. How is that possible?
Master Karsten's face was red. "The man is bald! I could have given him any random name: Joe, Roger, Oscar. But I picked Archibald because I thought it would point you in the right direction! But no, you didn't see it. How can you two not see what is right in front of you? I need a drink! Get out of here!"
Riddle #11
Master Karsten faced us. "There is a man. Let's call him Bob. He knows three women, all of whom have remarkable characteristics. All three have also expressed sexual interest in Bob. Their names are Dolly, Bernice, and Pamela. Just two are remarkably rich, two are remarkably artistic, two are remarkably beautiful, and two are remarkably intelligent. Each has no more than three remarkable characteristics. Of Dolly, it is true that if she is remarkably intelligent, she is remarkably rich. Of Bernice and Pamela, it is true that if she is remarkably beautiful, she is remarkably artistic. And of Dolly and Pamela, it is true that if she is remarkably rich, she is remarkably artistic. Bob decides that money doesn't matter. With this decision, which girl does he sleep with?"
"He'd ask for a foursome," Xehanort said.
"If Bob knew three women this amazing, and they were all willing to sleep with him," I said. "His head would explode with sheer sex anticipation."
Master Karsten buried his face in his hands and cried.
...Don't look at me like that. I felt bad.
XXX
Finally, one of those precious and few moments when we catch a break.
Xehanort and I sat beside Undine and Yumei on one of the castle balconies in chairs.
Yumei had long black hair, always done up in a ponytail with some kind of white hair accessory. Her bangs were always cut straight across her forehead. She wore a short red dress with knee high black boots, as well as white tights. Yumei's best feature was her eyes. They were dark, almond shaped, and always looked interested in something. The only jewelry she wore was a pair of small silver earrings.
Undine was medium height and willowy. Her pinned up hair was blue. I admit I've never seen a girl with blue hair before I met her, but Undine's hair gave every indication of being naturally colored. She wore black leggings, and a short blue dress embroidered with silver patterns. The silver threads matched her silver-rimmed oval glasses, which did a great job of highlighting her large, round blue eyes. Undine seemed to love jewelry: earrings that were made of shiny blue crystals dangled from her ears, and a silver bracelet gleamed from her wrist.
Undine's best feature was definitely her chest. Her boobs resembled soft and round pillows, and I've had many a daydream about placing my head on them and taking a nap.
"I had to refit my armor today," Undine said. "This magic alloy is hard to manipulate!"
"Her bust was too tight," Yumei quipped.
"Yumei!" Undine blushed.
Wow. And I was just thinking about Undine's honkers.
"Have you ever considered going into the Lanes Between without the armor?" Xehanort asked.
"Um, have you ever considered skydiving without a parachute?" Yumei replied. "Because I think that's slightly less risky than entering the pathways without the magic armor."
"Or go through a blizzard without a jacket?" Undine suggested.
"Just wondering," Xehanort said. "We've explored every inch of this rock. It's time for a change of scenery."
"Isn't that what you said of your birthplace?" I asked.
"I hear your homeworld is beautiful, Xehanort," Undine commented. "I'd love to see it."
"Why would you?" Xehanort retorted, sounding rather harsh. "There's nothing there. Just the dead and the dying."
"Not to sound too morbid," Yumei said. "But couldn't that assessment be applied to any living thing? That everyone marches toward the end of life? Everyone has a clock that is slowly counting down to zero. And when it hits zero...you die. And nothing can reset it. No matter what one does, that countdown will reach zero."
"Don't be so dramatic, Yumei," Undine said. "Xehanort is just exaggerating for impact."
The door opened, and Master Karsten stepped out. "Break time is over, kids!" He had a dark spot on his neck.
"Did you hurt your neck, Master?" I asked. "You've got a bruise."
"Eraqus," Xehanort said, palming his face. "That's a hickey!"
I leaned in closer to inspect the spot. "A hickey? Oh, yeah. That is a hickey."
The Master's cheeks flushed pink. "Eraqus, Xehanort...drop and give me sixty push-ups!"
"Here?" I asked. "Master, this balcony is solid concrete!"
"Did you not hear me?" Master retorted.
Arguing was futile. I dropped down, along with Xehanort.
Really do need to work on thinking before I speak. Especially if I'm speaking to Master Karsten.