45:
It's pretty warm out, for January. I'd say it's fifty degrees or so. My friends and I didn't even bother to put on coats today. There's not even a lot of snow left on the ground, but we still wear our boots so that our ankle joints don't rust.
My friends and I play ball outside because of the weather. I can't complain, I have a bunch of good friends to hang out with on such a particularly nice day. I guess I'm doing pretty damn good for someone who's a bit of a misfit.
Let me explain myself - I am a twin. I was the first of my kind, and I'm ninety-seven percent sure that my sister and I are still the only set in our world. I haven't really checked recently... but I'm assuming that we still are - a set of twins is a big deal. We would have heard about it if it happened again. Being twins isn't the only reason we're different, though. We also are, well, orphans, I guess. We don't have parents like everyone else does. My mom died a few minutes after my sister and I were born. I feel really bad about it sometimes, even though it's not like we asked to be born. It wasn't ever in our control. I feel even worse about it knowing that the poor girl was alone at the time - my father disappeared a few months earlier and never got to see the two of us or my mom. I wonder about it all the time, I'd say at least once per day. We both find ourselves thinking about it pretty often. We're not damaged or anything from it, I mean, we were only infants, only a few minutes old at the time. We never even met them. I bet they were great, though.
There are days where I wish I could go back in time or something, just to know if it was true. I wish there was something I could have done. We've never met them, but in a way, we miss them. My sister says we miss the idea of what they would have been. Though this is what we've been dealt, it's not like we were ever raised alone. Our parents' friends took care of us as we grew up. We have friends, old and new, and mentors we were brought up by. They've been very good to us - they've always been there and cared for us no matter what. I guess we're doing pretty well for our situation.
I'm thankful for what I do have, I really am. I'm just always left to wonder what things could have been like if they were different. I mean, I don't know a thing about my parents. I don't know my mother's name, or my dad's. I don't know what they looked like, or if they were married or not. The only thing I really know for certain is that my mother's death date is the same as me and my sister's birthday. That's all we've really got. Maybe we're still too young to know.
We play one last round of our game before we call it quits for the day. We have to head in early because today is a government holiday. We're all required to wear black, and go to the town square for an annual life celebration for the woman named 1.5. There's a big statue of her in the middle of the square. It was erected in her memory about two years ago. Apparently what happened to this girl was that she was the leader of the village a while back, and she did a lot of progressive things for our settlement. She wasn't leader for very long - only about two years. About a year in, she started getting really sick and nobody knew why. No doctors could fix her, either. This nasty creature tried to take over the town and kill everyone, but 1.5 let herself get captured to save the people. Her and her boyfriend at the time eventually escaped the prison. Once they got home, she got even more sick, and was basically bedridden in her last few weeks of life. One day, she was in her office - the creature came back and stabbed her in the stomach. Her boyfriend got her to the hospital, and they all tried to save her, but she was already gone. The town mourned for months, and the current leader, 29, took her place back. My mom died on the same day that 1.5 did, which is odd. But because of that, her death wasn't made into a very big deal. A few friends had a small funeral for my mom, and they buried her out in the wastelands by herself. We'd look for her, but there's just no knowing where we would even start.
I shake my thoughts out of my head and enter our home, just a little box of smaller rooms not far from the government building. 20, my sister, is in there, cleaning off one of the bookshelves in the living room.
"Hey there." she says. "You're back earlier than I expected."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Are you ready for the life celebration? It's only in a few hours." she says.
"Yep, I even have a dress ready."
"Oh, good." She walks to the couch and adjusts the pillows so that they're straight. "It starts at 1:30, a little less than two hours from now. You might want to start getting ready in a little while, because we might be going early."
"Eh, will do."
I leave and go into my room, pulling out the black dress I planned on wearing. I lay it on my bed, and try to brush the wrinkles out of it. I look out my door, getting a weird feeling that today's going to be... different. Strangely enough, someone knocks on the door. I yell to 20 that I'll get the door, and make my way out of my room and to the entrance of our home. I open the door to see a good friend of mine standing there.
"Hey, how's it going? I was hoping you two were still here."
"30, hey. Yeah, we haven't left yet. I was just going to relax here for a few more minutes, then put on my dress and go. Come in."
I step out of the way of the door. I smile a little, looking at 30 as he finds a seat in the living room. My sister and I are really close with him. He's been taking care of us for as long as we can remember. He's great, and is kind of like a father to us. He's the closest thing we've ever had to one.
"Where's your sister at?"
"Um, I don't know, she was here a minute ago."
"That's weird, where do you think she went?"
Just then, she opens the door to another room and enters the one 30 and I are in. She's in her black dress, almost ready to go. It's a sleeveless dress with thick straps. It falls to about knee length, poofing out a bit starting at the hips. A ribbon is tied around her waist, and made into a neat bow in the back.
"Aw, well don't you look nice!" he says with a big smile.
"Thanks, 30." she responds. "What brings you here?"
"I was just coming to check on you two. I'll escort you both down to the square if you want." he says. "I'm speaking again this year, so I have a spot for you two in the front row, if you want it."
"I usually can't see, so I'll take it." 20 says. "I'm lucky to have grown more, but I don't think it's enough."
"I'm sure you'll be fine." he replies to her, and then turns to me. "What about you? You going to stand in the front with us?"
"Yeah, sounds like a plan."
"Sounds good. I'm going to change, so I'll be at my place. Meet me there in a half hour, and I'll walk you both to the square."
"That sounds great, 30. We'll see you then."
He gets up, saying goodbye to us both. He closes the door gently. I think for a minute, wondering why he's speaking. Maybe he had something to do with 1.5? I'm not really sure. 20 and I don't really discuss it afterwards. She just keeps tidying up in a few of the rooms. I head back into my bedroom for a little bit, trying to find anything else that goes with my dress. Like my sister's, my dress is also knee length. Mine has long sleeves though, and is absent of any bows or frilly things. The only thing mine has is this interesting, industrial paneling design on it. I actually really like it, even though I'm not really fond of dresses. I lay down on my bed, kind of lost in thought. Something just doesn't feel right to me today. It's unusual for me to feel off, but I can't really shake it for some reason. Something about 30 keeps rolling around in my head, and I can't figure out what it is. Maybe I should ask my sister, she's way smarter than I am. As I think, I accidentally end up falling asleep. A half hour passes, and 20 enters my room, reminding me of the time. I get up off my bed quickly, apologizing for dozing off. She just tells me to get ready so we can leave. I apologize once more as she closes my door. I throw my black dress on and exit my room. I look at my sister and we walk out the door together.
45:
We gather in the square, all just ants in comparison to the statue above us, and the accomplishments associated with person it honors. All the residents have gathered together in this one place to pay their respects.
20 and I stand in the front row with 30. He steps aside a little to greet his friends who have already arrived. 28, 14, 15, Nove, 24 and 31 all have places in the first row with us as well, and they occasionally glance over at us between chatter to see what we're doing. When I see 31 and 15 both looking at the two of us, that weird feeling comes back, like they know something that I don't. 15 whispers something to 30, looking at him with concern. He says something back quietly, and she just nods.
Seeing this behavior, combined with my weird feelings, I start to get pissed off. I didn't even know 1.5, I don't know why all my caretakers are looking at me funny and making me feel like I should have. I was barely even alive when 1.5 died. I just don't get any of this. It only adds to all the stuff swimming around in my head.
"You okay?" 20 says. "You look frustrated."
"It's nothing. I'm just thinking too much."
"Welcome to my world." she jokes, brushing off the side of her dress after someone bumps into her.
"I... something is wrong." I tell her.
"What do you mean?"
"Things just don't feel right today. People don't feel right, this event feels weird, and something is just wrong."
"Hm, that's odd."
She crosses her arms and puts her thinking face on for a few moments, in hopes to possibly explain why I might be feeling the way I am. She's interrupted when 29, the leader of Romulus, comes up to us, wondering why we're so close to the front.
"I'm surprised you two are so close. How much do you know about 1.5?"
"Not much." I say. "Pretty sure we were only a few hours old when she passed."
"I see..." she pauses. "1.5 was the leader of Romulus for about two years. She did a lot for the town, and tried her hardest to keep us safe. It's one of the reasons I offered her my position - she was an excellent fighter, and kept our settlement safe. She was a great friend to a lot of us, and an excellent significant other to her boyfriend at the time. Unfortunately, an illness started killing her about a year in. Then, being captured probably didn't help her. Once she escaped, she rested for about two months, until the thing that captured her came into the town and stabbed her. We had a big service for her, with choirs singing and speeches... it was grand. We all miss her so much, so we have a celebration each year on her birthday in her memory. She really was a great woman. I wish you could have met her."
I look away while she's talking to see 30 listening to 29 and staring, looking mildly horrified by her description. His expression makes me think a little more, and I watch him as his face changes. He now looks like he remembered something, and he turns away, seemingly going back to normal.
29 leaves us with a smile and begins the ceremony. A platform with a podium is set up in front of the statue of 1.5, and all of the townsfolk gather around as the event begins. 29 speaks for a while, going very slowly through all of the things that she just described to us. She goes on about all the things our old leader did, and all of the traits she had. It goes on for a good amount of time. 31 speaks, talking about meeting 1.5 and how they grew closer over a few short months. Each speaker has something unique to share. Finally, 30 leaves our row and steps onto the platform to speak. Maybe my question will be answered now. He begins slowly, as if it were really hard for him to talk. He preaches how great she was, almost blind to any imperfections she might've had. He goes on about how much she meant to him and to all of us, and that he loved her dearly. He mentions that he misses her more and more every day. Everyone puts their heads down. When 30 is done speaking, we have a minute of silence. The ceremony ends with people placing flowers under her statue. They kneel, saying kind words, then they step back, looking for their friends and family so that they can be on their way.
After the event comes to a close, 30 finds us in the crowd of people. He looks tired, and actually pretty anxious, too. He offers to take us out to the fields where we can just talk and laugh. It bothers me in a way... why would he take us out there? I'm sure he means well, but something just doesn't feel right. 20 says we'll go, so we follow him along down the back streets, listening to the town center become quieter and quieter. Finally, the settlement ends and the tall grass begins.
"You look emotionally exhausted." 20 says to 30.
"Yeah, I am a little. Stressed too, I guess."
"Wait, why?" I butt in.
"Sometimes it's hard to talk about her."
"Who?"
"1.5..."
"How well did you know her? It had to have been pretty personal if you're this flustered."
"I knew her very well."
"Were you good friends?" 20 asks.
"We were... close." he says, looking away a little.
"You seem like you need a break. We can stop talking about it if you want."
"No, it's fine. You guys don't know a thing about her, and I'm sorry for that."
We find a nice spot at the edge of a lower cliff, and sit in the grass together.
"Why are you sorry?"
"You guys come to this celebration every year and no one's ever told you a thing about her..."
"Th-that's okay, 30."
"No, it isn't. You didn't know that much about her because we were trying to keep you safe. Now, the threats we used to have are gone. There's no reason why we should be guarding you so much. You girls are young adults."
"Wait, huh? 30, why did you have to keep us safe? Do we have something to do with her?"
"You two look exactly like her... we didn't want you two getting hurt if another enemy came looking for 1.5, especially now. You guys would be in trouble. Getting hurt is serious, and it shouldn't have to happen to you, especially if the reason is if you look like your mother."
20's face freezes. My chest starts to feel like it's caving in on itself.
"I MEAN-"
"30... are you saying..." she looks at me wide-eyed while 30 tries to recover from his own speech.
"I-I... I um..."
She kind of just looks into the distance, trying to absorb what we just heard.
"Eh... you would've figured it out anyways. You're old enough to know."
"Dude...She's our MOM?" I shout. "What the hell man! Why didn't you tell us?!"
"I just explained why I couldn't tell you! I-I'm sorry! I regretted not telling you as soon as I saw you two for the first time!"
"Wh... what else do you know, 30?"
"That's all. It's probably better that you know."
"Do you know who our dad is?"
"I'm not sure about that one, sorry."
"Well, that's fifty percent of the puzzle solved." 20 mumbles. 30 looks sorry, and brings us under his arms, apologizing again. He tells us that everything's going to work itself out, and that we deserved to finally know the truth.
"Now we just have to find out who the other parent is." 20 says. "Got any tips?"
"Not really. I think that's a story for another day, unfortunately. I'm not hiding anything, it's just hard to talk about. I'm sure you girls are going to figure it out someday, I promise."
We all get up, kind of unsure about what to say. I think we're all a little overwhelmed that 30 just blurted out that our mom is some celebrated hero.
He just sighs, scratching his head awkwardly.
"30, I think we need to go. We have some things to take care of. I have research to do, and 45 has to do her thing where she annoys me while I work on it." 20 jokes.
He laughs, and tells us to go. He smiles at us, almost in a way that say that we should use what he told us. As we walk away, I turn around to see him staring off into the distance. I look down at the grass.
That's what that feeling was. Something just came alive, and it's going to change us. I start to feel a new sense of hope. This is almost crazy. What we just learned might lead us to something big.
45:
She's been searching for hours, just to make sure. 20's been sitting in her seat at the library, sifting through files and pictures and medical records just to make sure that what we found out is really true. She hasn't found much yet, but continues looking in hopes to get close to something.
All today has left me with is questions. I know who my mom is now, but who's my dad? Nobody really heavily implied who her boyfriend was at the service today, everyone just kind of knew that she had one. 30 spoke really highly of her, and that he loved her. He said they were close... that could mean anything though. They could have just been really good friends. He could have loved her like a sister for all I know. I just know they knew each other. Maybe 1.5 was dating someone and she told 30 about it, like best friends do. I just... I don't whatever it is though, it sure seems like he really, really cared about her.
I've gone home for a little while, just to change my dress and maybe relax for a bit. I'm feeling pretty heavy after what I just found out. It's just beginning to really give me stress.
Once again, I end up falling asleep. I wake up on the couch, and look out the window to see that it's just starting to get dark. I quickly get up and head out the door, trying to back to the library. I hope 20's not mad at me... if anything, she's probably used to me accidentally falling asleep. It's a bit of a habit, and i think I'm just naturally lazy. I apologize for it all the time. I think she just knows that I'm going to do it and just isn't even affected by it anymore.
I re-enter the library, looking to ask 20 what she might have found.
"Anything yet?"
"No, not a thing..." she says quietly, almost ashamed that she hasn't gotten anywhere. "I think I'm a little lost... and overwhelmed too."
"I believe it, this is pretty big new for us."
"I just want to find something..."
"You will, I bet." I try to reassure her. "You're awesome at this stuff."
"I guess."
"I'm sorry for not coming back. I... kinda crashed for a little bit."
"It's fine, really. Thank you for at least coming back."
"Of course. Also, I'm sorry I'm a shitty sister." I joke.
"You're not, you're just a sleepy one. Feeling like staying for a little while longer? I'll let you leave in like an hour or so."
"Yeah, that's fine."
We look through books and archives for a few hours. When it hits 5:00, 20 tells me to head home, and that she'll be there later on. I nod, say goodbye, and leave her to her work.
20:
My mind is working hard. I have a horrible headache, but I really don't care about that at the moment. All this new information is driving me insane. I get that 30 wanted to protect us, and I understand why he kept the truth to himself. I doubt that he'd ever lie to us, but I just want to make sure that it's really true. I put my head down on my desk, rubbing my temples in hopes to ease the pain. I just... I don't even know where to start. I'm assuming there are no records on 1.5's pregnancy, considering everyone believes that she never had any children. I doubt there are birth certificates or anything. I do not think there's any evidence at all. I absolutely believe that 30 was telling the truth... I mean, we both look just like her, especially me (not to sound egotistical or anything like that).
I hear the bell of the library door ring, and lift my head up to see who's coming in. I hear the person's footsteps, starting to wonder who would be coming in at this time of day. I run the library, and it's open from 8 in the morning until 8 at night, sometimes later. Sometimes I don't lock up until 11 or so. I'm not alone in here ever, people are usually in and out until about 3-ish, and then it slows down after that. I rarely get visitors after 6, but because I personally enjoy reading so much, I stay open. 24, one of my caretakers, is usually in here often. We work together on projects frequently, mostly involving science and math. Another frequent visitor is my sister, but she just comes in here to poke fun at me. There's only one other person who comes in all the time, and that's a nice guy named 26. He's a little bit older than me, and he's good friends with my sister. He's a mechanic, so he comes in and takes out manuals and books on wiring and metal types, and other things like that. We casually talk sometimes when he's in here, but we've never actually had a real conversation. It's a shame, because I happen to have a little bit of a crush on him. I wish I could work up the courage to do something about it...
I look to the archway to see who my visitor is, thinking it might be a person who forgot something or regular visitor coming late. Surprisingly enough, it's 30. He never visits this late. Today's just been all over the map with him. I look at him to see he has something rolled up under his arm. He comes up the steps to where I sit.
"Hey there... how are you holding up?" he asks.
"I'm just fine, don't worry."
"I uh, I figured you'd be here. I knew if I told you, you'd start searching for evidence or something like that. So, let me just tell you - your mother tried her hardest to erase all the evidence that she could. Only a few people knew, so all we really have is memories..."
"O-Oh..."
"BUT, a few of us did take some pictures with her while we had the chance. Only a few close friends have them, and they're hidden in their homes where no one can find them. I even have a few, so I dug one up for you to have. I hope it eases your mind a little."
He takes the roll under his arm and hands it to me.
"Look at it, go ahead."
I slowly unroll what he's given me, and I feel my jaw drop just a little to see that it's a large photo of 1.5 - she stands in the snow, dressed all warm, patting her rounded, pregnant belly.
"A friend of mine took this picture... I had no idea she was pregnant when this was taken. A few guys got kidnapped a few months earlier, and I was one of them, so I never got to know until we all escaped. I was lucky enough to get to spend a few months with her while I could."
"I-I'm so sorry..." I pause. "She must have been great."
"She was amazing. I would've given anything for you and your sister to meet her."
"You really cared about her."
"I loved her to death." he says quietly.
"Did you ever tell her?"
"Every day."
"Wow..."
There's an awkward pause in our conversation for a moment, so he says he hopes the picture helps us, and tells me that he's going home for the night. We say goodbye, and I give him a thankful hug before he heads off.
I can't wait to show this to 45... she's not going to believe this! It's a crystal clear photo, with no marks or anything! It's even in color!
But unfortunately, despite all of this nice things, this leaves me with even more things to wonder, and even more unanswered questions. Who took this picture? How far along was she? What kind of love did 30 have for 1.5? Where do I even start with all of these questions?
I decide to buckle down for the next few hours to see if I can find out anything new. I decide to step back, think of everything I know first, and then try to start breaking all of this down step-by-step.
Hours pass... it's after 8 o'clock now. The library's gone quiet, and I've been left alone, only to have found nothing. The bell on the door rings once more. I assume that it's 45, coming to make sure I'm okay. I look up to see someone else coming up the stairs. My hands tremble just a little. It's 26, looking as tired as ever, covered in grease. He stops in front of my desk.
"Hey there, 20."
"Hi, how's it going?"
"I can't complain, maybe except for all this oil on me." he jokes.
"Well, yeah, I can see how that might be a bother."
He laughs again, looking me right in the face. He has really nice eyes.
"Do you have any books on wiring and spark drives?"
"Yeah, we do. They're just over there, next to the section with metalworking books." I point over to my right, directing him to the proper section.
"Cool, thanks so much."
He walks off, going between the shelves. I go back to what I was doing while he looks for a few minutes. A short amount of time later, he comes back with two books in hand.
"Can I take these out?" (I wish he would take me out.)
"Yeah, sure." I take the books from him and write their numbers in a pad of paper. I gave them back to him with a smile, and tell him they're due in three weeks. He gives me a nod and thanks me for letting him take out books so late. He apologizes for the trouble, but I tell him it's no big deal and smile. My hands tremor once he turns himself around. He looks back, thanking me again. He says goodbye and that he'll have the books back soon. I grin and wave like a nervous wreck.
"Have a good evening!" I say, loudly so that he can still hear me. "Enjoy your reading!"
Oh, goodness... I've overwhelmed myself so much today. There's so much on my mind... What on earth am going to do? I guess I just have to find a place to start, and then break all these things down one by one until I'm capable of figuring anything out.
30:
I come home quietly, just in case she's already fallen asleep. I close the door without making a sound. I put my keys on the table in the living room and take my jacket off. I just sit down on the couch, just to listen for her for a moment. It's her birthday. I was in and out of our home all day, trying to bring her gifts and make her aware of how much I love her. Then I accidentally told the girls some of the truth...
We've been living underground for a little more than three years now... The girls were about a month old when we moved in, and now they're fully grown. She left them to me because she was struggling with her health. As much as she wanted to be there, I wouldn't even allow her. Any stress, any physical effort put me off enough where I would order her to get back in bed to rest. There was nothing in this world that was worth losing the love of my life. I nearly lost her... but we were able to somehow fix things. For a while, I was disturbed by thoughts of being without her - my mind tended to flash back to images of her lifeless body lying on the hospital bed and sounds of her crying out in agony... There were nights where it kept me up for hours, holding onto her tightly so that nothing could ever hurt the person I loved.
The nightmares eventually stopped. We were able to become close again, and return back to normal (mostly). Our old ways came back to us... and despite that we had daughters, we were always alone. The way we used to be had returned, despite how much our lives had changed. Even after all that had happened, it still came to be just the two of us in the end.
Here, we live. This is where we will stay.
I love her more than anything, I know that for sure. From the moment I felt it in my chest, so, so long ago, the feeling has never gone away. No matter what we've been through, no amount of time, no decision, and no person has ever come to tear us apart. My feelings have never left me, not for a moment. My love for her will never die.
I sit down and sigh, wondering if she fell asleep. I brought her home dresses and decor and bouquets of flowers to make sure her birthday was grand. I only have one more thing planned for the rest of the day for her. There's this place I found a few years ago... I had taken her there before, during the night, out in the snow. It's right on top of a hill, far out in the wastelands. There's no light pollution, so you can see all the stars, and the auroras when they appear. Yeah, it's romantic, but it's far more amazing and full of wonder than anything else. Just then, I hear her door open, and her feet stepping more towards me.
"Welcome back." 1.5 says to me quietly. She exits in a dress I gave her earlier today. "Well, you certainly look beautiful."
"Why thank you... this one guy gave it to me - he was pretty great."
We both laugh a little, and she sits down on the couch next to me.
"How's it been? Still busy?"
"Eh, everything's quieted down."
"Oh, good."
"I wish you could have seen it today... everyone in the land misses you."
"And I miss them. I miss everything..."
"Well..." I hug her. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm taking you out. Get your jacket and your snowboots."
"Oh, alright." She gets a big smile on her face. She doesn't go out much... if we do, it's at night, and everyone's asleep. Sometimes our friends will come visit us down here, and we'll have a nice little get together. I'm usually working, so 1.5 is down here all alone every day. I worry a lot sometimes. I'm afraid someone will find her, or she'll get hurt or something will happen where I won't be able to protect her. I know she can defend herself - she's been through a lot. But I just want to be there for her. I always promise her that I'll be there to protect her... and yet every time, I can just barely manage to save her whenever I let something happen.
We sit together and just talk for a while, until it's late enough for me to sneak her out. I wait until about midnight for us to sneak out. We take the long route to the fields, where it's very beautiful, and so comfortingly quiet. I take the blanket, that thankfully is water-resistant, and lay it down in the snow. We sit down and just look up at the sky without saying much to each other.
"Thank you for taking me out. I really needed this." she says, putting her head on my shoulder.
"It's no problem. It's the least I could do."
"Aw, you're too sweet."
I hold her for a few seconds in the silence.
"I... I really don't know what I do do without you."
"Well, you'll never have to worry about it, 30."
"I know."
I goes quiet again, and we both just look back up.
"1.5?"
"Yeah?"
"I accidentally told the girls that you're their mother today."
"You... what?"
"I told them part of the truth... it slipped out because I was thinking about you and I'm sorry."
I start panicking, thinking she'll be upset.
"Oh... alright. I mean, they don't know I'm alive... so I don't think it'll be much of an issue."
"They're looking for their dad now, though. One's feisty, the other one's a genius - they're eventually going to figure it out that I'm their dad."
"There's really no danger anymore... I suppose that if they found out it wouldn't be so bad."
"It really would be nice to stop lying to them. It's hard to treat them like family when they think that I'm not."
"I'm so sorry that we ever did this, 30. I acted on impulse when I clearly shouldn't have... and now we're both paying for it."
"As long as I get to at least see them and keep them safe."
"God, I miss them so much... it's worse and worse each day..."
"Things'll work out. They're bound to come to a conclusion anyway."
"Yeah... so if they figure it out, just let it happen. If there's every any more danger or anything threatening, lie to them. I don't want them to get hurt if they're affiliated with me."
"A-alright."
We lay down for about an hour, just talking and looking up at the stars. We get to bed that evening, and once 1.5 falls fast asleep, I still lie on my back, fully awake. My eyes stay open, trying to come down from the high she gives me... but something else leaves me bothered. My daughters... lying to them is becoming more difficult, and inevitably, they're going to figure out the truth. I eventually am able to fall asleep, my mind wandering about, curious about the uncertain future.
45:
We have plans. Big ones. 20 is reluctant, but I've pestered her until she's agreed.
Yesterday was more than eventful. We went to a service and then found out that our mother is that same person. We even got a picture of her. But there's something else that we need to do now.
This is a first for us. This is a brand new part of our lives. I'm scared, and even a little hesitant, but I think we need this. I think it'll help us both.
When we enter through the gates of the cemetery, another sort of feeling comes over me that I've never felt before. It's hard to explain, but it feels almost like... gratefulness. Relief, even. I feel a little bit more whole knowing that half of my origin's been figured out.
I don't know too much about my mother, and I never really have. That's why I want to find out now more than ever. I want to figure all of this out. Every last bit. I feel this odd sort of emptiness inside of me not knowing much about who I am or where my sister and I came from. 30 giving us this information alone gives me the motivation to figure out this story from beginning to end. I doubt that it was ever a boring one, that's for sure.
I'm left to wonder if the stabbing is what killed 1.5, especially if her death date and our birthday is the same day. Maybe she gave birth to us and then got stabbed? I don't know... It just hurts to think of what else it could be... because everything just seems worse and worse. What if she never got stabbed? What if she just... passed away trying to have us...?
It gets colder as we walk into the cemetery. Well, at least in my mind it does. I don't know if the temperature is actually dropping, but it certainly feels like it. Probably just because this is like a revelation in our lives and I'm just naturally having the chills because of how quickly this all happened. Yesterday, I had no idea that we would now know this stuff. It gets to me. This is really going to change us. We're visiting our mother for the first time. Well, sort of. We're visiting her resting place... it's the closest thing we'll ever have to knowing her in real life. As much as I would want to meet her with a beating heart and lungs filled with air, this is the best we can get.
The mud cakes in our shoes as we walk to the statue of poor 1.5, who passed away a long while ago. Her shadow casts over us, as the sun barely comes through the clouds on this foggy, damp morning.
There she is. Just under her statue lies the actual gravestone. It's in perfect condition - even the words engraved into it are carved exactly right.
Here lies the lovely 1.5, the Grand General of Romulus. January 19th, Year Zero (01/19/0000) - August 14th, Year Three (08/14/0003)
It's a lot of pain in my chest just to even read it. What happened to her must have been really, really awful. We've never even met my mother, but it still hurts me so much to realize that someone who sounded so amazing lost her life in a matter of minutes... and it's partially our fault, too. I mean, I probably shouldn't be blaming anyone here. What happened was really bad, and I doubt anyone knew what would happen to 1.5 if she ever did get pregnant. I'm assuming my parents knew that a child would be the outcome of what they were up to... But something still just doesn't add up to me. Whether they knew or not, did they know what it would do to her? Why wouldn't they be more careful if they did know what the result would be? Where does my dad play into all of this? Why would anyone let someone so important take such a risk? I need to find out more. Something just isn't right here. We all played a part in this, even though we didn't ask to be conceived or born - we just were. I can't imagine that my mother might have went through with this even though she knew what was going to happen to her. I guess she really was a brave soul, just like they said at the life celebration today.
I absorb all the feelings and auras that the grave gives off, trying not to let this sudden pressure crush me. Though I'm not actually meeting someone NEW or talking to a live person, I feel incredibly nervous, as if she knows that we're coming to visit her. It's really weird... My lungs feel heavy and I seriously feel like my heart's going to burst out of me. I watch 20 as she steps closer to the statue, but still looks at the ground cautiously as not to crush any of the fresh flowers that were laid there not so long ago. She just quietly observes the statue for a few seconds, without a sound.
"She must've been absolutely amazing." 20 says to me quietly as she looks down at all of the flora. "I can still remember some voice singing to us just that one time. It's the earliest memory I have... do you think it was her?"
"I remember it too... and I bet it was." I look at the much more solid version of my mother, kneeling over her own grave as if she were still with us. "You guys look almost exactly alike..."
"You think I look like her?" 20 says.
"Oh, definitely. Way more than I do."
"Well, you still do look like her too - more in colors. Your face is a little bit different."
"I agree - you look like 1.5 and I look like... well, someone."
We both jokingly smile at one another for a second before looking back at the monument, regaining our seriousness. Suddenly, this sadness hits me across the face like a metal pipe or something like that. My mother is buried right there in the ground and we don't have a real father to take care of us. Of course we were taken care of, but it was different from anyone else we've ever known. Everyone else was just raised by their parents. But us... well, we don't really have any - any biological ones, at least. Sometimes I really think about that and it makes me more sad than I can probably deal with. I have a low threshold for that kind of stuff. Sometimes it still makes me wonder what about my life is real and true. It makes me feel alone in this world, even though I know that I'm absolutely surrounded by loving, wonderful people that give 20 and I hope.
I stay silent for a few seconds before I start talking to 1.5. I doubt that she can really hear me, considering she's passed on for a while now, but I have to say it and get it out of my system, even if her hearing sensors have already rotted out. There's no way this is a waste of time, whether she can hear us or not.
"H-hi mom." I just say quietly to the statue. 20 just looks on at me, eager for me to continue speaking.
"I-I don't think you can hear me - I mean us... But I just wanted to say thank you. I didn't find out you were you until today, but I'm grateful that someone who did such amazing things is my mother... I-I really wish you were here. I barely even remember you, but the two of us are forever in your debt because you probably gave your life for me and 20. For that, I'm always going to be grateful."
"You were an amazing woman, and I'm sure you would have been a wonderful mother." 20 adds in. "We only got to spend a few moments with you... we probably only saw your face once, and barely heard your voice, but we really do miss you more than words can describe." She puts her hand on my shoulder to comfort me, probably both of us.
"Mom... the world really misses you. We miss you. There's so many things I want to say, but finding the words that match what I'm feeling are really tough..."
I pause again, just to try to hold myself together.
"It's hard... all of of this is really hard - just the situation in general must've really done a number on you. But we're grateful for you. You gave up your whole life. And though we only now know who you are, we still miss you more than anything, and we love you."
20 repeats that we love her. She looks like she's going to cry, but she keeps it in. 20 doesn't like to cry or be sad in any way. She's finicky like that, I guess.
Suddenly, in the distance, we hear a voice or two calling us. We stay quiet for a second just to make sure we actually heard a sound, and that it wasn't just in our heads. They shout our names a second time, and I'm able to make out whose voices they actually are. One is a female voice, and I'm almost positive it's 15. She's taken care of us since we were little, and we've always been close. The other voice sounds like 24. He also took care of us as kids, but he has two of his own, so he has to focus on them. He was still there for us, along with a whole group of others.
We leave the site, moving towards the voices. We meet them in the middle, just outside the gates of the cemetery.
"Girls... wh-what are you doing out here all alone?" 15 asks us worriedly.
"We're fine, we were just... visiting." 20 says.
"Visiting who?" 24 butts in.
"Just... 1.5."
15 pauses for a moment, just kind of absorbing what she just heard. She looks at us as if we weren't supposed to be doing that.
"W-why? I saw you two at the service today, did you want to just find out more, or something?"
20 starts speaking with some reluctance, mostly in fear that we'll get in trouble for doing what we were.
"I... w-we, uh..."
"Let me handle it." I say to her. "We found out that she's our mom."
15 and 24 kind of just look quickly at each other and then back at us, not sure what to say.
"W-well, you're right about that... How on earth did you manage to find that out?"
"30 slipped. He said we looked just like her, and then just started babbling on and on."
"20 does look like her, seriously. You do too, but not as much." 24 chimes back in.
"Aw, thanks." I say to him, mostly as a joke.
"Why don't you two come back to the town?" 15 asks. "It looks like it's getting foggy, come on now."
"We need 20 back at the library anyways. I need her input on some equations I've been working on." 24 says.
"Yeah, 20, you've got nerd stuff to do. Let's go."
She laughs a little as we head back into town, away from our mother. I almost feel overprotected. Something just isn't right...
It irks me for the rest of the evening. Some of my caregivers act this away when I ask too much about what my mom was like. The only person that doesn't eventually start getting all weird about it is 30. I guess he knew my mom pretty well... There even seems to be a sadness in him that kind of just makes me think that he was really in love with her before she was gone, like the especially romantic kind. I try to block it out, considering that's mostly his business, and that I probably won't end up knowing what happened between the two of them. But I just wonder why everyone else avoids the subject so much... Now, I've started thinking - is there something about who my mother was that everyone is keeping from us?
TO BE CONTINUED