Inner Fire Rekindled

by SqueakyZorro

Mass executioner is no job for an empath. As decades passed, Jasper's duties in Maria's army wore him down. Living with Peter and Charlotte helped, but his melancholy still grew. Then a spark in the form of a tiny dark-haired vampire changed his life.

Inner Fire Rekindled

by SqueakyZorro

Fandom4Texas

Summary: Mass executioner is no job for an empath. As the decades passed, Jasper's duties as part of Maria's army wore him down. Briefly revived when he left her to live as a nomad with Peter and Charlotte, he soon left them, too, and his melancholy grew. Then, when he least expected it, a spark in the form of a tiny dark-haired vampire changed his life. Rated M for violence, references to sex and adult themes (but no lemons).

Banner by fallanydeeper (see my profile for the link)

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.
We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

Most vampires recall their change as a time of fire: an all-consuming blaze that burned away their old human lives. I was no exception.

Three days later, it still burned, but now it had taken up residence in my throat, thirsting for the essence of what I once had been.

"Bueno! Very good."

The words, spoken in a feminine voice, startled me. Without volition and faster than thought, I was on my feet in a defensive crouch. A growl emerged from deep in my chest, and I confronted the woman who was watching me with a pleased smile on her face.

"Major Whitlock, you make a fine vampire."

~IFR~

With a perfect vampire memory, I would never forget the first time I fed. The warm blood flowed down my throat, quenching the flames as nothing else could. So caught up was I in the incredible relief and satisfaction, I at first didn't fully appreciate the different emotions flooding through me: fear, pain, horror, sorrow. I was confused—those emotions didn't match the physical feelings I had, and far from being in pain, my pain was relieved more and more with each swallow. The emotions faded as I drained the human until, by the time I dropped him to the dirt floor, they were completely gone. I realized I had been feeling his emotions and backed away from the corpse, staring at it in disbelief.

"Major? Is something wrong?" Turning quickly, I faced my sire, Maria. Concentrating on her, I recognized curiosity, satisfaction, and a tinge of worry—most likely at my current strange behavior.

"No—I'm not sure. I . . . felt what he was feeling. And now, I can feel what you're feeling." I waited for her answer, sure that she would have them. In my mind, she was my commanding officer. It had felt strange at first, according that role to a woman, but the scars I bore in addition to the one from my change had caused me to abandon any human preconceptions regarding a woman's frailty.

Her eyebrows rose, and I felt both her curiosity and satisfaction increase. She gifted me with a stunning smile, showing perfect white teeth as she tossed her curly black mane while her crimson eyes sparkled. "I was right, Major. You will be of great use to me."

~IFR~

Within a few weeks, by testing my ability, we found that I couldn't just sense others' emotions; I could influence them as well. Maria put me to work keeping the other newborn recruits under control. Her losses from internal fighting dropped immediately.

After a few more months, I was part of her command team, by far the youngest accorded that honor. Around the time I passed my first year, she began to plan an assault on El Paso, and she discovered my talent for strategy. My position in her coven was fully secured.

The El Paso mission was successful, and she added the border town to her territory. Now that the city was hers, though, the newborns were just more mouths to feed. Pulling me aside, she explained how she planned to limit demand on the new blood supply and how she expected me to help.

For a moment I stared at her, appalled. I felt no strong emotion from her for the recruits that were about to be ended; it was simply a fact that they were no longer needed. I suddenly recalled my officer training as a human—the responsibility for the troops that an officer assumed—and I was sickened.

She noticed my reaction. "Major, I do not enjoy this. It is simply a matter of survival. Yes, we have expanded our territory, but not enough to support this many vampires without decimating the humans. We must reduce our numbers, yes?" Her voice was soft, sympathetic. She moved toward me slowly, her skirts swaying with her hips as she walked. A new emotion was added to those I sensed from her. She wanted me.

Close enough now to breathe her words into my ear, she caressed my back and shoulders with one hand as she murmured, "Do this for me, Jasper. It won't take long, and then we can celebrate our victory properly." And she pulled my head down, meeting my lips with her own.

Two of the older vampires and I went to the newborn barracks and did as she commanded. The first one was the hardest. This still felt wrong, and I hesitated, which left him long enough to understand what was going on. His fear filled the room, leaving me awash in it. Forcing it away, I ripped his head from his shoulders. When it was done, the sound of my deep, unnecessary breaths filled the room until his emotions dissipated. After that, I acted more quickly, before they could realize exactly what was happening. It didn't help as much as I had hoped, but I followed my orders.

I went to report to Maria and was welcomed with blood and open arms.

~IFR~

Maria's army became my new existence, and I was determined to succeed in my new world as I had in my prior human life. I accepted my role as an officer in Maria's army, helping her recruit newborns, train them, use them to protect or expand her territory, and then dispose of them. Maria also let me hunt with her, and I discovered that quenching one burn often resulted in the ignition of another. She took me as her lover, and I spent the sunlit hours closeted with her, captive to her body. My odd talent proved useful there, as well, feeding off her lust, using it to heighten my own, then mirroring it back to her in an ever-increasing spiral.

I had no other close companions in the coven. The newborns were kept in a constant state of bloodlust, courtesy of Maria's belief that starving them a bit made them fiercer warriors, and were thus incapable of anything so tame as liking. As for the other older vampires, they were ruled completely by Maria and their instincts, and they were jealous of my closeness to her. More than once, my gift had saved me from a surprise attack by one who thought to take my place at her side. Between such attacks and the volatile newborns, not to mention our many battles, I was covered in scars. My appearance alone was enough to intimidate: any vampire knew at first sight that I was dangerous and tough to kill.

Several years after she changed me, unusual feelings began to surround Nettie and Lucy, who ranked highest after her. I noticed them together more that I had previously, and a dark tone infected their emotions when Maria was near.

I mentioned my observations to Maria.

After listening to me, she tilted her head. "What do you think it means, Jasper?"

I considered a moment. "They were not pleased with the results of the last campaign. Both of them thought we should have taken more territory with that army rather than dispose of them and have to start from scratch."

A stream of Spanish curses flew from her. "Ha! That is why they are not the leaders of this coven. That was a greedy, short-sighted plan they had."

I remained silent. I agreed with her assessment of the plan from a strategic standpoint, and I had become accustomed to my duties, but that didn't mean I enjoyed the annual purging of her troops.

She smiled at me with what I interpreted as affection, and I felt gratitude and desire from her. "I, too, have noticed something different about them. I think the time has come for this coven to have one leader, not three, with one second-in-command." Her smile left no doubt who the second-in-command would be.

Within a week, Nettie, Lucy, and the officers loyal to them were ash, and Maria and I ruled the remainder of the coven.

~IFR~

After replenishing the army with a new batch of newborns, a vampire who had just passed his first year became a mid-level officer. For the first time since my change, I let myself feel friendship. Peter had proven an able soldier, and Maria had selected him to remain as part of the coven's leadership when the rest of his contemporaries were dismembered and burnt. Like me, he had kept a love of learning even after his change, and we found many topics to discuss. I felt no envy from him for my position, which cemented our congenial relationship.

That relationship changed, however, when a newborn called Charlotte joined Maria's army.

I couldn't resist teasing him at first. "She looks like your sister—are you sure about those lusty vibes I've been getting from you lately?"

He shoved my shoulder and hooked a foot around my ankle in an attempt to knock me over. Easily anticipating his moves, I blocked him and threw him to the ground, laughing. "Hey, don't blame me for telling the truth!"

He grimaced. "You're a towhead, too. That don't make us brothers."

I chuckled as he got up and dashed to find the petite vampire.

Sure enough, as Charlotte's first year passed, she and Peter grew closer, forming a bond that was a revelation to me. The pull each felt to the other was so intense, I questioned what, if anything, could break it. I also couldn't help comparing their connection to the one I had with Maria, and I didn't like that theirs seemed to be the more genuine.

I became worried as Charlotte's first anniversary approached—the strength of Peter's feelings for her couldn't possibly let him participate in her destruction. I had grown to like her, too, but my first loyalty was always to Maria. I wouldn't like it if I was ordered to end her, but I'd never liked the chore and I'd still done it.

The day came all too soon. Maria, Peter, and I discussed who of the newborns might be worth keeping. A few names were mentioned before Peter brought up Charlotte.

Maria frowned. "The little yellow-haired one? I saw nothing special about her. She's an able fighter, yes, but she's too small to be strong after her newborn year is over. And she has no gift or talent. No, I think we'd do better to keep Domingo."

Peter made one last pitch. "That's just it, though. She is small, so her fighting abilities are always a surprise—she has an advantage that way. And she's good with the other newborns; she could give Jasper a hand keeping them under control."

Maria glanced at me fondly. "Jasper has that taken care of."

Visibly upset, Peter said nothing further as the meeting was brought to a close. A half-hour later, I told him to start sending the newborns to me.

When the only one left was Charlotte, I could feel Peter's dread, but he left to send her in like all the others. I sensed her approach, curiosity and concern coloring her mood, while Peter was nervous and agitated. They were almost at the door where I waited, hating my task more than usual. I could not disobey Maria, but Peter's pain would be my own—and not just because of my gift.

The door had started to open when I heard a hand slam it back closed and Peter's desperate voice saying, "Run! He has orders to kill you—you have to run! Now!"

Footsteps moved away swiftly. I flashed to the door, flung it open, and stepped through to see them several hundred yards away, increasing the distance with every second. As I watched, Peter looked back, and I could see the anxiety on his face—would I pursue?

I remained still and watched as they disappeared from sight.

When they were gone, I turned and went to break the news to Maria. I didn't expect her to approve of my letting them go without a chase, and I was right. A few more scars joined the pattern that criss-crossed my body.

~IFR~

With Peter gone, taking his friendship with him, I found myself subject to a melancholy that was hard to shake. I discovered I also missed the feelings that he and Charlotte had reflected. The newborns were prone to brief encounters to satisfy the urges of the moment, but the emotions were limited to lust and desire for power. More and more, I looked askance at my link to Maria. It was nothing like that between Peter and Charlotte.

Maria created a new band of newborns, and I trained them. She'd set her sights on Laredo, which was farther outside her usual territory than she'd ever attempted. Whereas before, I'd have joined in the planning eagerly, I could muster no enthusiasm, even though I still did my best to help anticipate problems and keep the newborns in line. When the mission failed, I was surprisingly unmoved, a fact which did not escape Maria's notice.

"Jasper, I think perhaps you do not wish for me to win this battle. Your heart was not in this fight." She pouted adorably, but her eyes were hard.

She was exactly right, but as miserable as I'd been feeling, I wasn't ready for her to end me. I had to shore up my position or I'd end up like Nettie and Lucy.

I pushed reassurance and confidence toward her, subtly so that she didn't realize what I was doing. "Of course I wanted you to win. We knew this was a long shot. It's far from your base, and we weren't able to do any strong reconnaissance to see what we were facing. It turned out to be a strong, well-organized army. We didn't have the numbers or the training for that."

Her tension relaxed somewhat, and her mouth formed into a chiding smile. "True. I had grown overconfident, it seems, with you making our wins so easy. I suppose even you can't win every time."

Our eyes met. Hers remained ruby-hard. Message received, I thought. She'd let this one go because I'd racked up plenty of victories for her, but another loss would not be excused so easily.

I decided distraction was my best tactic. Besides, battles always brought out our most basic instincts; some of our best sex had followed previous engagements. Pulling her into my arms and allowing my own lust to influence hers, I lowered my lips to her throat and murmured, "Let me make it up to you."

~IFR~

For the next several months, she seemed to forget her suspicions about my loyalty. Our next campaign went perfectly, and I did my best to allay any doubts that might have lingered.

My depression, though, could not be shaken. Shortly after that successful campaign, the current batch of newborns were scheduled for termination. For the first time in the decades I'd been with her, I asked to be relieved of the duty of seeing to their disposal.

She tilted her head as she stared at me, nonplussed. "What is this? You have taken care of this matter since you joined me." As her surprise faded, I could feel waves of suspicion fill the room.

Unless I wanted to find myself ended in an abundance of caution, I had to think of something fast—something that wouldn't make the situation worse and she would understand—I hoped.

"Yes, but when I joined you, I was barely more than a newborn myself. And at times, you didn't have others available. But now, I'm your second-in-command, and we have four mid-level officers who could easily do this. It doesn't seem . . . fitting that I do it."

My apparent concern with my rank and appearances seemed to satisfy her, at least for the moment. She didn't excuse me completely from the task, but I was permitted to stay at somewhat of a distance, overseeing the lower-level officers.

In the months that followed, though, I noticed her watching me, a calculating look on her face. The emotions she radiated were reminiscent of those I'd sensed during the week before we'd ended Nettie and Lucy. I grew accustomed to keeping my guard up, not knowing when an attack might come. I was confident that I could beat any of the others individually, but if all of them attacked at once, they would be difficult to fight off. Realizing that the only long-term solution was to oust Maria and take over the coven, I pondered various strategies.

Before I could select and implement one of them, however, a surprise visitor changed my plans completely.

We were shorthanded while one of the others waited for his leg to fuse back on after it was ripped off in a small skirmish, so I was patrolling the edge of Maria's territory. A shift in the wind brought a familiar scent to me, and I whirled, scanning the desert for my old friend.

Realizing he'd been detected, Peter stood and surveyed me, waiting to see my reaction to his presence.

Twin emotions surged through me, joy at his return and anger that he'd left in the first place. They were the strongest feelings I could remember since he'd left nearly five years earlier. Not sure which to act on, I kept my greeting neutral. "Peter. Quite a surprise to see you back here."

"Jasper. I had to come." His voice was steady and determined.

"Oh?"

He paused a moment then asked, "How have you been?"

My answer was short and impersonal. "Pretty much the same. Nothing changes around here except which city Maria has her eye on next, you know that."

He snorted. "I wasn't asking about her. How are you doing?"

"Fine. Just fine."

He looked me square in the eye. "What if I told you there are other ways to live? What if I told you most vampires had barely heard of constant wars and newborn armies? What if you didn't have to kill your troops every year?"

Startled, I raised my brows. "What are you talking about?"

His look became even more intense, and I could feel his compassion surround me. "Charlotte and I went north. Jasper, it's wonderful! No newborn armies or battles at all. Just wandering as we please. Some places have so much rain you can go out during the day without worrying about a stray sparkle. Think of it! No more newborn training, no battles, no annual purges after the newborn strength has worn off. Come with us!"

His words shocked me. "What? You're crazy!"

"Do I feel crazy?" He waited.

In the midst of my bafflement, I took stock of his emotions, and what I read filled me with calm. "No, you don't," I said slowly. "You seem . . . sincere."

He smiled. Visions of what he had described flashed through my mind: overcast skies that meant I could walk openly in daylight, no newborns to train, control . . . kill. No constant battles for territory, just freedom to roam.

"I'll come."

~IFR~

At first, nomadic life with Peter and Charlotte was everything that I had envisioned. Free to wander, relieved of any newborn duties, and accompanied by sympathetic companions, I was happier than I had ever been as a vampire. My first few years with them passed swiftly.

For some reason, though, I noticed that I was even more aware of my victims' feelings than I had been while in Maria's army. I didn't know if it was because I wasn't distracted by having to monitor the volatile emotions of anywhere from a dozen to twenty newborns or if being more contented in so many ways was too sharp of a contrast; maybe it was something entirely different.

"Jasper?" Charlotte's musical voice interrupted my somber thoughts. "We're going into town for a meal. Did you want to join us?"

I didn't even think about it. "No, you two go. I'll be fine."

She started to leave and then hesitated. "Are you sure? You haven't fed in a while; your eyes are almost pitch black."

When had I last fed? I couldn't remember. Maybe it really was time for me to go. I didn't want to wait until I was desperate enough to be careless.

I stood and followed her out the door.

We flitted from alley to alley in the back streets of the city. The humans we found in such places were rarely missed. Peter and Charlotte found suitable prey, and I continued on until I found a man passed out behind a bar. I didn't need to approach him to know that his blood would have more than enough alcohol in it to taint the taste, but his unconscious state seemed ideal to me—he likely wouldn't even awake when I bit him.

Flashing forward, I jerked his head back to expose his throat, bit, and was proven wrong on two counts. First, while the taste of alcohol was indeed present, his blood had a flavor that was not overpowered by it. Second, he wasn't as dead to the world as he'd appeared. At the first sting of my venom, he stirred, trying to escape the pain. I held him easily and drank more quickly, hoping to send him to oblivion before he awoke fully and became aware of what was happening. My hopes were dashed when his eyes opened and stared right into mine. Fear streaked through him, sweetening his taste with a jolt of adrenaline. He struggled but was quickly subdued, and his fear increased, to be joined by sorrow. Just before his eyes closed forever, I sensed regret and relief. Then all of the emotions faded as I swallowed the last of his blood.

I stood quickly, hoisted the body in my arms, and darted to the nearest sewer opening. Dropping him into it, I heard the splash and was confident that his body would not be found until it had decayed enough to make the manner of death undetectable, if it was discovered at all.

I ran from the city as fast as I could, all the while realizing that I couldn't run from the memory—my perfect, vampire memory. I would remember the rush of despair for as long as I remained on this earth. I halted in shock at my next thought. Do I want to remain?

~IFR~

Despite the stray thought, I had no intention of finding a way to end my life. I could tell, though, that my relentless melancholy was affecting Peter and Charlotte, interfering with their relationship. And while I told myself to be happy for the strength of their bond, their joy in each other only depressed me more. Disregarding their protests, I took my leave of them, promising to stay in touch to the extent we could.

For the next several years I wandered alone, drinking when I couldn't stand my thirst any longer, each time dreading the emotions that would fill me as my prey drew close to death. No matter how fast I brought them down, how swiftly I drank, there always seemed to be time for the human to run a whole gamut of emotions, virtually all negative. Each time I waited a little longer before giving in and feeding. Each time I wished there was some way just to rest, to dispense with this omnipresent thirst for even a day.

One overcast morning, I found myself in Philadelphia. I knew my eyes must be a deep black as I hadn't fed in over a month. Mingling with so many humans was folly, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Half-heartedly searching for my next prey, I wandered the streets aimlessly.

A change in the light drew my attention; glancing up, I realized that the sun was about to make an appearance. I swore softly to myself and looked around for a place to seek shelter from the potentially exposing rays. Seeing a doorway immediately to my left, I darted in at a fast human pace.

I stopped short.

Someone here was . . . joyful beyond description. I felt almost bombarded by emotion, all of it positive: love, happiness, gratitude, hope. I scanned the room, absently noting that it was a diner, searching for the source of these wonderful feelings.

A petite woman—no, a vampire—with short dark hair slowly approached me, both hands extended. The smile on her face was blinding, and her reddish-amber eyes, a shade I'd never seen before, almost glowed. Without thought, my hands rose to take hers. She wasn't reacting the way most vampires did when seeing me for the first time; my scars usually triggered fear, caution, aggression, or some mix of these emotions. I could detect nothing of the kind from this beautiful creature. She radiated excitement and welcome. I could feel myself already beginning to reflect back some of the wonder.

"You kept me waiting long enough." The squeeze she gave my hands belied the terseness of her words.

My long-forgotten manners asserted themselves. "My apologies, ma'am."

She giggled adorably, her happiness climbing impossibly higher, and the answering grin that appeared on my face would not be denied. A comforting warmth coupled with a burning desire spread through me, the likes of which I couldn't remember ever feeling before. The closest I could think of was the bond between Peter and Charlotte, but this seemed even stronger. I raised her hands to my lips and kissed the knuckles of each gently. Her head ducked for a moment, charming me with the hint of shyness so at odds with her actions thus far.

Dropping one hand, she tugged on the other, coaxing me out of the diner. "The clouds are back, so we'll be fine. Let's go get started."

"Started on what?" Like I cared. I already knew I would follow this angel anywhere. She brought me hope—a hope I'd all but forgotten existed.

Pausing, she gazed at me with a soft light in her eyes despite the clouds. I felt love, desire, joy, saturating the space around us. "Us."

A smile played about my lips. A part of me was astonished—what had happened to me in the last ten minutes?—but a bigger part felt like I'd come home after decades of wandering, a vampire Odysseus finally safe at home with his beloved.

"Then we have no time to lose," I said, gesturing to her to lead the way.

~IFR~

A/N: With apologies to Albert Schweitzer, in Stephenie's world, an encounter with a vampire can rekindle as well as one with a human being. I came across this quote and just knew it was perfect for Jasper and his initial encounter with Alice. I hope you enjoyed my speculation on Jasper's story. Thanks heaps to fallanydeeper, who made the banner on less than a day's notice. You're awesome!