Luigi has always been the more neglected of the two of us. Hell, nobody knew that both of us were carpenters before we became plumbers. He turned down an invitation to visit Princess Peach when she had allegedly baked some fresh gourmet marble cake with peppermint frosting (she had, in fact, only mentioned my name, but she knew that Luigi was more than welcome), and he declined to go with us on our vacation to Isle Delfino. The only time I remember him as a hero was when he saved me from the haunted mansion that he allegedly won in a "contest" he never remembered entering, and he's excellent at jumping – because I suck at that.
My point is not that my younger but taller brother has sat in my shadow for years. It is about how this made him somewhat depressed. I agree that I get too much attention most of the time. Frequently I heard him reciting the poetry of Tennyson, and in particular the first stanza of "The Two Voices:"
"A still small voice spake unto me,
'Thou art so full of misery,
Were it not better not to be?'"
This made me rather sad, and I often responded with this, which Luigi often would do:
"Not long this transport held its place:
Within a little moment's space
Quick tears were raining down his face."
One day early in December, I stood outside the door, hearing Luigi recite the first stanza of "Crossing the Bar:"
"Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea."
I knocked on the door and came in. "How do you feel, Luigi?" I asked.
"I don't know," sobbed Luigi, the tears collecting on desk and floor.
"I don't take that for an answer," I said rather nonchalantly.
"Perhaps being your sidekick is making me too depressed to live," he said, no longer crying but still sad.
"Don't say that, Luigi," I said. "I know I'm in the spotlight more often than you – but that doesn't mean that I don't love you."
"I've actually done research on our popularity, and in the latest poll about which Mario brother is better, eighty-eight people voted for you," Luigi said, "and only twelve for me. I'm worthless."
At hearing him say "worthless" my cheeks went as red as my shirt and hat, which I took off rather sadly. "You are worth more to me than any other possession I own," I said honestly. "Whether you live to be twenty-seven or seventy-two, you are still my favorite brother."
Luigi knew I was right, but he was still depressed about his life. "I'll let the princesses know how you feel about this," I said. As I turned my back on him he put both of his hands in "gun position" pointing at his head. "And if you actually did that," I said rather sternly as I left, "not even Bowser would recover from it!"
I went to the castle with tears in my eyes, hoping that Princess Peach would help both of us feel better. Toadsworth answered the door. "Master Mario, why are you so sad?" he asked.
"It's about Luigi," I wept. "Where is Princess Peach?"
"Oh, she's at her personal salon," answered Toadsworth.
I walked into the salon, and to my surprise, I saw Princess Peach under the dryer with large rollers in her hair, reading Koopa Troop Weekly. Not only that, she was wearing a pink sweaters and blue jeans instead of her normal dress. Next to her, Daisy, who was also getting her hair done, sat in a yellow floral print sweater and blue jeans reading the Toad Town Times.
"How may I help you?" Toadette asked me.
"No thank you," I said. "I need to talk to the princesses about Luigi."
"They'll be done in ten minutes," she said, so instead I walked up and down the castle, getting the 10,000 steps needed for my Fitbit in the process. By then the princesses were done. Princess Peach, planning to throw a costume party at the castle, had her hair like Sailor Moon's and Daisy's hair was in two short braids, as she was planning to be a cheerleader at a rugby game. (In the Mushroom Kingdom, "soccer" and "football" are used interchangeably whereas "rugby" is used exclusively for American football.)
"Well, hello there, Mario," said Princess Peach. "What's up with the glum look?"
"It's about Luigi," I said sadly. "He's been feeling rather under the weather lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it."
"Perhaps it's because you get more attention than he," Daisy said quite firmly.
"Absolutely true," I said. "I hear a lot of poetry from him by Tennyson, mainly 'The Two Voices' and 'Ulysses.'"
"What about 'Crossing the Bar?'" Peach asked.
"I heard that just today," I answered. "And as I was about to leave his room I saw both hands pointed at his head as if they were both guns."
The princesses gasped. "Are you serious?" Daisy asked.
"Yes!" I yelled, holding back my tears as best as I could, which actually wasn't so bad.
"Here's an excellent plan!" shouted Princess Peach. "He should come to the Christmas costume party at the castle tonight. Did you get my invitation?"
"Of course we did," I answered. "I was planning to come as Santa Claus."
"Bring Luigi with you," said Daisy, "and tell him not to drink too much. After all, you know what alcohol is, don't you?"
"Exactly. No depressants may not mean no depression, but I won't let him get to any alcohol."
"I'll see you around eight," said Peach.
"Not a farthing earlier than 8:00," I promised, uncertain of why I said that, "and not a shilling later than midnight."
"Let me know how it goes," said Daisy, "and I will find out what's wrong with him."
At home I told Luigi about it, and he decided to go. In no time we were ready for what we expected to be a great night at the castle.
As promised, Luigi and I showed up promptly at eight. Luigi was dressed as Inspector Clouseau, and I was Santa Claus. Luigi knocked on the door. There stood Toadsworth, who was masquerading as Lord Toadman MDCLXVI. "Where is Usagi?" Luigi asked.
"I have no clue what you're talking about," Toadsworth said, confused.
"Princess Peach is dressed as Sailor Moon," I explained. "Her real name is Usagi in Japanese and Serena in English."
"She's been waiting for you, Master Mario. I'll tell her you're here."
In no time at all we were escorted to Princess, adorned in her Sailor Moon outfit. "Care to dance with me, boys?"
"Why should I – and where's Daisy?" Luigi asked.
"She went to a rugby game," Toadsworth explained, "but she'll be here by 9:00."
"I didn't ask you, Toadsworth," said Luigi, even though he meant not to be sarcastic, "but thank you for telling me anyway." He then turned to Princess Peach and said, "I guess I'll dance with you, then."
"But who could I dance with, Peach?" I asked.
"I'll dance with you, Mario," answered a woman masquerading as the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. It was Princess Rosalina, but I didn't recognize her at first.
"It's been a while since I last saw you," I said when I finally noticed who she was. I danced with her until 9:00; then Luigi and I switched partners. Luigi hardly spoke to Daisy, but he was not depressed at all.
Around 10:00 we heard a loud pounding on the castle's roof. Nobody moved. "I know only one person who would ever land on my roof during a party!" Princess Peach cried.
"BOWSER!" we all yelled. And sure enough, through the roof Bowser came with a bound!
"Happy Holidays, fools!" he shouted. "I'm getting a good Christmas present this year!"
"If you kidnap me," Princess Peach said, "all you'll get for Christmas is coal!"
"You'd best leave the Princess alone, then," I added.
"You never fail to startle me, Mario," said Bowser. "Not even your worthless brother Luigi could save the Princess over my dead body!"
That was it. The second time I heard Luigi being called "worthless" that day, and Bowser just had to say it. I went straight up to him, my face now tomato red.
As I landed a right-handed uppercut to his chin he slashed my cheek. I fell to the floor, where Luigi cried over my lifeless body – but not for long. He kicked Bowser in the knee; then he leapt in mid-air and stomped on his tail. At feeling this pain Bowser simply whimpered a single word: "Mother!" Luigi didn't care about what Bowser said. He just grabbed the Koopa by the tail and, after spinning him several times, flung him right out the door.
Toadsworth came up to me and saw what had happened. "For God's sake, get a glass of water, Princess!" he cried.
"No need to do that," said Princess Peach, who bent down and kissed me.
I woke up from being out. "Oh, boy!" I said, noticing the blood on my cheeks. "That'll require plenty of stitches!"
"Oh, Mario!" Luigi cried. "I didn't believe you'd live to see this! I saved Princess Peach this time – and Bowser didn't even lay a claw on her."
"Forget being my sidekick, Luigi!" I cried. "You truly are a hero! Who's got a drink, plain or alcoholic?"
A large chorus shouted, "We do!"
"Let us praise Luigi," I said in a bold and heroic voice. "Let us drink to Luigi for the marvelous task he has done tonight for our sovereign, Princess Peach Toadstool!"
"TO LUIGI!" we all heard. Luigi was the man of the hour – and deservedly so, because he had finally taken on Bowser and overcome his depression.
When the party ended I was sorry to part alone in an ambulance, but Luigi was no longer depressed because he had become a hero and saved the usual damsel in distress from such distress. My stitches were taken out just a week before Christmas, and the scars soon healed, but now Luigi had more of "The Two Voices" to recite:
"So variously seem'd all things wrought,
I marvell'd how the mind was brought
To anchor by one gloomy thought;
And wherefore rather I made choice
To commune with that barren voice,
Than him that said, 'Rejoice! rejoice!'"
Now that he was no longer depressed, his thoughts were no longer inclined on sadness. Charles Boyer. Kurt Cobain. Joe Meek. George Sanders. They were all out of his mind, for Luigi had given up his old life for a better one. He was a new Luigi, a Luigi who was proud that he had for once saved Princess Peach the same way I have done many a time.