Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Plotline is.
Date: Oct. 9th 2008
Author: glrox a.k.a. Roxanne
Easily Broken
Hikaru/Kaoru. Rated for mature content and smut. The darker side to their relationship, where Kaoru realizes that it isn't him that Hikaru wants. But he's willing to pretend. WARNINGS: Slash/yaoi/boy love and lemons.
Notes: I've been feeling like writing a good solid piece of angst. And this is my favorite anima pairing at the moment. This isn't how their relationship is usually pictured, so I decided to take it to a new level and twist things around a bit. Someday I'll get to writing fluff, but today I'm not feeling so kind.
When did it start? When did I go from brother to replacement? From twin to substitution? Was it the day you realized that Milord's words weren't what they seemed? The day that she said no, she was meeting Tamaki-senpai after class and she couldn't eat with us at lunch? That day...your eyes turned dark when you turned away. I knew something was wrong. Of course I knew. How could I not?
I knew how you felt. I had watched from afar, watched as you struggled with her concept of life and friendship. You tried to change yourself, but you didn't do it fast enough. Milord turned around his words, changed his mind. No longer pretending to be the doting and loving father, no longer in denial about what he felt. And she...returned the emotions, the feelings. They looked at each other the way that you used to look at her. And now you were in my position, my place. Watching someone that you wanted and needed turn to someone else. Because you just weren't good enough.
And then you found me again. I was always here, you know. I always knew...someday, you would need me again. I never pushed myself into the picture. When you wanted to talk to her, I was busy with homework. When you wanted to take her out, I was occupied with something. When you returned, I would smile and ask how it had gone, never showing the terror, the horror, although you must have noticed it. We noticed everything about each other. We knew things that no one knew. We were in our own little world. Until she came along and shattered it, and I was left picking up the pieces, alone.
But then, you came back. How did you know? Was it the yearning in my eyes and voice when we would play for the girls at the host club? A longing that far surpassed any acting that we did. The way my hand would brush along your thigh accidentally. The want that I put into my voice that got a bit carried away. All part of the act, all acceptable as long as we were in the third music room. But then, you would tease me when we were alone, and I would blush...and you must have realized it wasn't an act.
I felt dirty, horrible. It was one thing to act out the play, it was totally different in application. But I wanted it. I wanted to cut my finger in the middle of an empty room and have you be there, kissing my wound, purring my name and holding me close until I couldn't think of the pain, until I was too preoccupied with your voice, your lips, your tongue. I would have to excuse myself once in a while in the middle of the host club, fleeing to the bathroom to be alone. You must have known then, just like you knew...you knew you always had a back-up in case she rejected you.
And when she did reject you, you turned back to me. At first, it was a dream come true. You crawled into bed that one night, it was the night she hadn't wanted to go out for ice cream with you, and now you were naked. "Kaoru..." Your voice was deep and husky and needy, and I was almost instantly hard.
"Y-yes Hikaru?" I answered, not facing him, glad the sheets were covering my body. But you tore them off like they were in your way, and you were on me in a moment, and I fell still, gasping. "H-hikaru, stop!" I said pleadingly, and you stopped, hovering above me and you just looked so hurt, I felt guilty and terrible, and I rolled over so I was facing upwards and you were straddling my hips. I gazed up into your face, confused.
"Stop, Kaoru?" You questioned sadly. "You don't...want me?" I was just another person you cared for that rejected you. I should have seen it then. If she wouldn't let you love her...I was the only one left. And you clutched that. But you didn't really want me.
"No...Hikaru...I do..." I said softly, reaching up, touching your face. Later on, I would realize why you closed your eyes as I did that. You were picturing her. You were imagining her soft voice saying those words. You were imagining her face, her body, over mine.
But that night, I was fooled. And every night after, I was fooled. Fooled by lips that just brushed against mine, not enough to taste me, no. Just enough to pretend to be kissing soft, girlish lips. Your hands would roam over my hips, roughly turning me over, so you wouldn't have to look at my face as you fucked me and know who I really was. You never said my name. You never purred those seductive words that you would do during Host Club. You just rolled me over. I gasped that first night in surprise, trying to say something, anything. But you shushed me, warning me that the maids might hear if I let out any noise. So I wrote off the lack of words, the lack of sensual murmurs and phrases of affection, as you being overly-conscious of outside intrusions. And that worked for a little while.
You never really prepared me, not that first night. I suppose you must have realized that it would hurt me, so you were slow. My entrance stretched and enveloped your length in my hot tightness, and you let out a hissing moan as inch by inch you took me. I remembered your words to stay quiet, but it was hard. I felt like I was being torn apart that first time, whines and whimpers, and begging whispers to stop, go slower, and please Hikaru it hurts. I scrunched up my face and gripped the sheets so hard my knuckles turned white. You shushed me again, softer this time, sliding a hand up my back, eyes still closed. Did you imagine that you were taking her virginity? That it was the smooth curve of a woman's back that met your hand? At least my hair was short and silky soft as well. As long as you didn't open your eyes, you could replace spiky red-gold strands with smooth black ones.
You stopped at last, sheathed to the hilt in my hole. I was breathing hard by now, breathing and occasionally whining. It could have been her whining beneath you, is that what you said to yourself? But then you started to move. At first I was gasping in pain again, but suddenly, oh-so-suddenly, I was engulfed in white-hot pleasure as your manhood hit something inside me. I cried out your name in a high-pitched moan, and you smiled. It could have been her moaning for you, is that what you pictured? After that, you sped up, pounding into me hard, each time aiming for that place inside me, making me writhe and cry out and beg for more. That first night, you shushed me so much, and I learned to turn my head and muffle my voice in the pillow.
And then, you were arching, thrusting hard and fast and deep, and I was burrowing my face into the mattress and practically screaming your name. I felt heat fill me as you experienced your orgasm, seed pouring into my entrance and coming out as you pulled out of me. And I jerked hard suddenly, reaching down to stroke my own erection into completion, spilling sticky fluid onto my hand.
That first time, you stroked my hair, you kissed my face, eyes still closed. I hadn't noticed it then, but they had never opened. Not to see your own face pinched in agony and pleasure, and to see lips identical to your own forming your name. To see red-gold hair and amber eyes. No. You saw hair black as ebony and dark warm eyes that laughed even when her lips weren't smiling. You saw the soft curve of her chin, and her tender lips forming the 'o' of a moan of pleasure.You saw the curve of her naked spine, her slender hips, her delicate shoulders and small breasts. You didn't see me. You would never see me.
You collapsed to the side, pushing me slightly. "Go shower, Kaoru, so we can get some sleep." You said curtly, in that cutting way that you would say it every night after. I was just as exhausted, in even more pain than you were. But I limped to the bathroom, and cried softly from the pain as I bathed, washing away the scent of sex, the smell of your and my sweat mingling on my body.
When I returned to the bed, you were asleep already. I attempted to lay close, but you snorted and elbowed me in the ribs. Accidentally I told myself. You were just tired and needed some space. So I lay on my side of the bed, curling up and falling asleep. When I woke up, we didn't speak of it. You asked me if I was okay, and I lied, saying I was fine. Every morning, I would lie.
After a while, I got used to it. It didn't hurt. You could make me beg and plead for more, which I hated. I wanted more, and more. And you would pick and choose. Some nights you would crawl into bed in your pajamas. Others, a warm, slick body would press against mine, and I would hear that husky voice. "Kaoru...I need you..."
But it wasn't me you needed. Never me. Never your brother, your flesh and blood. Instead, when we weren't at the Host Club your gaze would be on her. Always on her. And she would never look back. And you would gaze at me like it was my fault.
I let the Host Club be our foreplay. In my mind, this was the Hikaru that took me each night. The Hikaru that planted false kisses on my neck in front of screaming fangirls. The Hikaru that purred my name and clutched me close. I would imagine that this was real. And it would make it a bit easier to take each night, as I lay on my stomach and moaned shamefully.
I was dirty, horrible. I deserved this treatment, this indifference. I knew what was happening and I didn't stop. It was punishment and reward all at once. You didn't love me, you treated me like a whore, you didn't care if I was sick or tired or just not in the mood when you were interested. But at the same time, I needed you, wanted you, craved you. You knew that. And you used that. Used me, my body. All the time wishing I was someone else.
Finally, it happened. You were deep inside me, thrusting hard, the rhythmic slapping of flesh on flesh drowning out my high-pitched moans and pleading noises, cheek against the pillow. You were almost there, I knew it by now, the little signs that you were reaching your climax. I began to pump my own length in unison, hoping to reach it at the same time, knowing that you would never touch me. Never admit that I was a boy just like you, your twin, your brother.
And just like that, you came. Shooting into me like always. Only that night, something was different. The gasping moan that came from your lips formed a word. Not just a word but a name. And it wasn't mine. "Haruhi..." It was nothing more than a hiss, barely audible, gasping and then drawing out the long "eeee" noise at the end as part of your moan, and then pulling away.
We both knew then. I knew that you had said it, you knew that you had said it. And the magic was broken. I stumbled off to the bathroom and took the longest shower of my life, sobbing and crying brokenly into the stream of water. I don't know what you did. Did you regret? Did you feel guilty? Did you even realize that you had broken my heart, the last little piece of it left?
When I returned, I dressed. You were laying there awake, also dressed. I lay underneath the blanket, on the other side of the bed. You must have heard me crying. But you didn't turn over, didn't speak. You just closed your eyes. And we both knew it was over. Never again would a naked Hikaru crawl into our bed and murmur into my ear. Never again would I moan and writhe in mixed pain and pleasure. Never again would we pretend. It had been so easily created, our little world. And so easily broken.